theseithakas

I first joined this forum about ten months ago. I posted a couple of times, but ultimately didn't really dedicate myself to being involved. At the time, my boyfriend had just quit drinking for the second time in his life. Previously, he had gone for four years without drinking, and then started up again. About a year into it, and several months after we got together, it became clear that his drinking was a problem. After one horrible night where he was extremely drunk, out of control, and punched a bunch of holes in my wall and door, I had had it. He, seemingly, had also had it, and decided to stop drinking. He didn't drink for about two months, and then, in August, went out with his cousin and drank.

I encouraged him to seek help, and tried to make my boundaries clear without giving ultimatums (I struggle with this, for sure). When he stopped drinking for four years, he had attended AA and therapy regularly, and found it beneficial. This time, he kept saying that he would go, but never did, and eventually, I just let it go. I can't force him to go.

Things were pretty decent for about ten months, until now. To my knowledge, he never had a drink, and given that we live together and spend a lot of time together, I'm fairly certain that's actually true. That being said, some red flags remain. He smokes pot nearly daily, and though I don't have a problem with marijuana in the least, it concerns me that someone with his addictive personality would still be using any drug (maybe that's wrong?). There was also an incident back in November where I was in the hospital for a stomach issue, and was prescribed Vicodin for the pain after I was released. I took one every couple of days if I was having trouble, and took them to my parents' house for Thanksgiving in case there was an issue. One night, when I was having some pain, I opened the bottle, sure that I had at least four or five left, and the bottle was totally empty. My boyfriend had taken the remainder of my Vicodin without ever asking me. He claims that he thought I wasn't actively taking them anymore, but the fact that I was sick and someone would just take the medicine that was supposed to be helping me manage my pain without even asking was just...a bit much for me.

Admittedly, I've been guilty of being untrustworthy. There have been times when he's come home and I've grilled him about what he's been doing or tried to smell whether or not he had alcohol on him. I've never noticed anything out of the ordinary, and he's always forthcoming with me, but there's always been that doubt. Last night, I wasn't feeling well, and he decided to take my car to go down the road to one of our friend's houses for a couple of hours. I just had a bad feeling about it, and I don't know why. It was otherwise just a normal, relaxed Friday night.

Well, in he comes at 1 in the morning absolutely stinking drunk, having no recollection of what had happened. Thankfully, he walked home, so that was a huge relief to me. He at first tried to tell me that he hadn't been drinking, but it was clear that he had been. I struggled to help him get comfortable for about two hours, and finally, he fell asleep.

I'm grateful that more issues didn't arise. I know that he can be an angry drunk, and that was a huge concern for me. Don't get me wrong, he's never ever raised a hand to me, but he can be very destructive if he's drunk and upset, so my main goal last night was to just try to make him comfortable. If he gets out of control, he's about twice my size, and there's just no way to stop that crazy train.

This morning, I'm feeling a lot of emotions. I'm worried. I'm upset. I'm a little bit angry, but not nearly as angry as I thought I would be. I'm wondering how I can work towards trusting him again. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I'm not entirely surprised that it happened, given that he hasn't been in active treatment and given how often relapse is a part of recovery, but I still feel like I was a little bit of a fool - a part of me did think he wouldn't drink again.

The times we've had the past ten months when he's been sober have been amazing. He's an incredible man, and an extremely caring mate. Of course, he woke up this morning upset and ashamed and claiming that he's going to start going to meetings. I just hope that's true.

The one thing that is clear to me is that I need to start taking care of myself again as far as this problem goes. That's why I'm here. It really helps me to have people to connect with. I'm also considering Al-Anon meetings in the area. I need to get myself right about all this just as much as he does.

Hope all is going well with everyone else. I expect to be around here a lot more often in the coming days.

RollTide

theseithakas,

Hi. Glad you are here. Your story sounds VERY familiar to mine. The mistake I made was to marry mine during a period of sobriety. The episodes that you described began to happen more and more often. We were married over 6 years and it continually got worse until I finally filed for divorce. I thank God for the day that I finally said , "Enough." By the time I was out I didn't even know who I was.

My life is good today. I simply can't be around that kind of insanity and have the type of life that I want.

If I have any advice to you it is to read, read, read on here, go to AlAnon and DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN until he has been sober for at least a year or more.

Hugs to you. I know what you are going through.

LexieCat

Sorry for your disappointment. I totally get it.

I wouldn't be so concerned right now about "working toward trusting him" right now. He isn't trustworthy yet. Right now the person you have in your life is an active addict. He can't recover from alcoholism while smoking pot and taking pills. It doesn't work that way. I know plenty of alcoholics who have tried to stay sober on the "marijuana maintenance" program, and it doesn't work. I don't know anyone for whom that has ever succeeded--and I know a LOT of sober alcoholics.

Al-Anon is a great place to get your own life in order--which you need to do whether he gets sober or not.

theseithakas

Many thanks to both of you. You're both completely right - I should be focused on myself right now. I'm going to make a concerted effort to take better care of myself and not get roped into whatever he has going on with the drinking, etc. Hopefully things will be on the up-and-up for both of us in the coming weeks, but regardless, they'll be on the up-and-up for me!

Recovering2

He is not trust worthy, nor is he sober. He is stealing your narcotics, smoking pot. So he is still in search of mood altering substances. That is not sobriety, just because it didn't involve alcohol at that time.
He gets drunk, and YOU spend 2 hours "struggling" to get HIM comfortable? I will gently say, that is enabling. If he gets drunk, it's not up to you to make sure he's comfy at the end of the day.
Find an AlAnon group, there is much to learn there, and much support to be gained. Read "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Take the energy you're putting into him, and put it into your own health. (((hugs)))

Tryingtoletgo3

I too made the mistake of marrying mine during a period of sobriety. Not only marrying, but having children with. Stopping right now, assessing the situation and asking yourself if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life is important. It does not get better, only worse. Others have suggested Al-anon, I do as well. I tried to passify my AH, tried to keep him happy while he was drunk so he didnt punch holes in walls and throw furniture....At some point, the passifying stops working. For me, it came while I was 9 months pregnant with our first son and a recliner was chucked at me for asking him not to throw a box full of baby items while he was in a drunk tiff. Think about what is best for you.