CodeJob

(R)AH one week from discharge. I have been clear in rehab questionnaire and boundary letter to AH which I sent along with questionnaire that he was no longer living at home. Last week I spoke to transition person AND AH's counselor reiterating that home was not an option. Counselor asked me for input on sober living options. I told him to speak with transition person. So tonight (R)AH calls to state he is done with all homework and could possibly leave early. STILL no living situation worked out. Counselor claims transition person has not forwarded any information and suggested we just allow him a few days home to find a place to live.

I am codependent. I do not want the person I am addicted to back in the family home. Isn't it up to Rehab to line things up and not me? I feel threatened and put upon. I feel manipulated. What is going on at rehab? Is this typical?

tromboneliness

That doesn't sound good -- any more than leaving rehab early sounds good. "A few days" at home will, pretty much guaranteed, turn into permanent. You're right to feel manipulated, because that's what's happening.

This is a good time to practice setting boundaries, e.g., NO WAY is home an option, and it is NOT your job to find an alternative. The phone book is open to everyone, and it's time for them to start using it! This is something the rehab place does every day -- how can they not have it nailed down by now?

T

SparkleKitty

No is a complete sentence. If he leaves early, it seems like he will have to find someplace to stay on his own.

dandylion

Dear CodeJob, as one who has had the misery of alcoholics living in my house (for lack of other residence), I say hold your boundries on this--no matter what pressures the rehab staff or your husband try to apply.

The rehab staff do not have your personal welfare as their first priority of interest. They have to find a place that everyone agrees to---if you agree, their job is easier AND YOU ARE SUNK. Your husband does not have your welfare as his first priority. He wants what he wants for himself.

You are the only one who has yourself best welfare) as the main priority---and the only one who hold the responsibility and the ability to control and protect your own self.

This is tough because other people will try to use your guilt and sense of obligation to get you to catapault (sp?) on this. Girl--hold your front line firm.

All rehabs are different. There is lots of variation between them.

I don't know, but I have a suspicion that your husband doesn't really believe you when you state a boundry like this. Is it possible that he has ignored your boundries in the past---and gotten away with it? Am I warm?.........

By the way, when I FINALLY drew a hard line on active alcoholics in my home, I was called "A selfish, cold-hearted b****". ME!!?

GOOD LUCK.

sincerely, dandylion

kasie

CodeJob - you're being completely fair. The craziness that inevitably comes with alcoholics (recovering [in the early stages] or not) is too much for mere mortals to manage (at least that's the conclusion I've come to for myself over time).

Someone at AlAnon told me that "self care doesn't equate to selfishness" and I truly believe it. If I'm not healthy, calm and at peace with myself there's no way I can manage with an A in the house - whether actively drinking or in early recovery. It's a healthy boundary I set myself

And yes, you're right - it's the rehab facility's responsibility to look after this stuff. They pay people to do this, and those employees should do their jobs properly!

Recovering2

Dear Codejob.....hold your boundary. You have been clear about it since the beginning, they've all had time to come up with a plan. If they didn't......not your problem. "Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part" He's not coming home, he needs to figure it out. It's his job to work on his recovery, and it's your job to work on your serenity. Don't give your serenity away because others want you to make the situation easier for them.

Sparklekitty already said it... "No" is a complete sentence. I was taught that by counselors in the family recovery program I attended. If something makes us uncomfortable, crosses our boundaries, etc we can just say "No". We do not have to explain it, justify it, rationalize it...we can just say "No".

Take care of YOU. BTW - you may want to change your locks.

CodeJob

Thank you everyone for responding. I was up worrying most of the night. I have got to cut that worrying stuff but it is hard when I feel threatened and manipulated. This is my first boundary. I previously dealt with AH by detachment - waiting for him to hit bottom. But his latest crisis made me realize I did not have it in me to "save" him again. I had to save myself. I changed the locks about a month ago. I laid down my boundaries in a one page letter and sent it to AH, & every family member to keep myself accountable & alert them to the severity of the situation. So far I am doing exactly what I said I would do. To be frank, this side of my personality has probably never seen the light of day before. She has been stewing for awhile and she is definitely on a tear. She can say no. She says over and over again, read my letter. I better pack her up and stick her in my bag tonight!

I called transition person and there is some work going on with other staff that I was not aware of but there is still not a clear plan as of this morning. Transition person was going to try to speak with (R)AH today. I reiterated - FORCEFULLY - to get on the stick bc once again the spouse is swearing and flatly stating that home is not an option. Transition person said, "You have been very consistent regarding this boundary." Yes.

I need to prepare myself that (R)AH may choose a poor recovery plan and relapse right at the gate. Tomorrow morning I head into the lion's den.

dandylion

Dear CodeJob, if he were to appear, drunk at your front gate (I assume that is what you m eant?) you can call the police to prevent him from trespassing on your property. They will see that he leaves. I did this for my adult son, once. The police very nicely gave him a ride to his friends house and dropped him off. They then returned to my house and had me fill out a no trespassing form for him should he return--meaning they could arrest him. They took the form to him and had him sign it.

This will not work if you let him inside the gate or let him step inside the house (this is considered an invitation).

At least, this is how it worked out for me.

sincerely, dandylion

LexieCat

I think she meant "out of the gate" as in horse racing.

It's probably not possible to charge someone with trespassing if he is on the deed or lease, unless there is a restraining order.

dandylion

Lexie---Ooops!....I did misread that. Thanks for clarifying. My son's name was not on the lease.

He used to use the trick of using my address for everything so that all his mail would come to my address. He felt that this could always be used to convince the police that he lived at my house. He always carried some mail in his jacket pockets. (at one time I would save his mail and he would come by and pick it up occasionally).

Thank heavens I don't have this bs going on any more. It is true when they say that it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic.

sincerely, dandylion

amanda39

Codejob, I am working on this with my mother not allowing my A brother home. Last time he left rehab, she said no and he showed up at home. It started with "you can stay here as long as you're clean," turned into "you can stay here as long as you're only smoking pot," and then he overdosed on heroin. I'm new here and not very knowledgeable, but I know if you are acknowledging you are codependent home is not a good idea.

Recovering2

Dear Codejob.....hope you are doing well today. Hope you held your boundary. We are here for you. (((hugs)))

Maylie

It is completely unacceptable that the rehab is not respecting your boundary. I really cannot believe that you have to keep restating your boundary and basically they are just pretending not to hear you or secretly hoping you will change your mind. Shouldn't they have a whole list of options for the addicts that complete their rehab program?!

It is not up to you to find him some place to live after he completes his program. I wouldn't even be communicating with the staff at his rehab because well, it isn't your problem. He is not coming home to your home and therefore what he does when he gets out is none of your concern.

You should be really proud of yourself for sticking to your boundary. It is hard enough to say once that he is not welcome, nevermind having to say it over and over again and then be told that he should come stay for a couple days. No no no no NO. You know that a couple days will turn into forever and then things will go down hill from there. You have more self control then I have because I would have had some choice words about how unprofessional they are that they are concerning you where he will be going and that they have the nerve to say he should come stay with you a couple days even after you said over and over again from the start that it is not an option.

Stay strong!

nothopeful1

I'm new. Maybe this is a dumb question. How long after rehab until you let AH come back?

LexieCat

There isn't any "rule" about that. If you feel you need the time to yourself, you insist on it. If you have decided you want no contact for a while, you insist on it. If you want to have him/her come home and are ready for that, then they come home. CodeJob decided she does not want him to come home, so she is refusing to permit it.

Archangelesk

Bully for you, CodeJob. And, sheesh, I am so sorry the rehab counselors are increasing your stress and suffering. But it sounds like you are ready to hold firmly to this line.

It took me so long to be ready to embrace my "NO." But, I think once you cross over, it is just too hard to go back. Like you did by sending letters out to your family, I am telling all my friends and my family my new boundaries. Every time I say it, or type it on this forum, I become more determined. And by sharing it, I make it very uncomfortable for myself not to follow through.

If your husband is on the lease and trys to wander back in, may I kindly suggest you see a lawyer. These things vary state to state. I am filing for exclusive possesion of my home, because my husband has a legal right to be here and no intention of leaving.

CodeJob

Hi there,

RAH looking well. He is truly working the steps. I found family programming very educational and eye opening, even if it was emotionally exhausting. Counselor gave us the same speech he gave me on phone the one time I called, but whatever. I was very impressed by the counselor that ran family programming. I was also impressed with MD who oversaw RAH's medical care. Had a good conversation about RAH's meds at discharge. RAH already has a fu appt with his primary MD in mid-June, so that is also already set up.

As for placement, RAH OK with sober living placement. I saw him fill out a form for one group. I was told the transition person had traveled back to our area to set up resources for RAH. So I may not know where he is going, but he is going somewhere. He has some unreasonable expectations, but I figured once he is in sober living house and I learn the rules there, then I can determine how strict I need to be. Honestly 90 meetings in 90 days, job hunting, and seeing an addiction counselor weekly should keep him fairly occupied. If he's serious, the time will go pretty quickly. I had asked for 6 mo sobriety.

I read so many sad relapse and worsening situations. I do not have a lot of hope - even after seeing him look so much like his old self.

AnvilheadII

thanks for the update codejob - you seem to be handling this all quite well!!! right now, everything is set up to give your AH the best chance possible at a successful recovery. so now it's time for him to take the arm floaties off and get in the big boy's pool and SWIM for his life!!! don't worry, he has "lifeguards" in place - at the treatment center, his MD, a transition person helping to set up housing, sober living, meetings....ya sometimes gotta wonder how it is that people DO fail at this huh?

hope for the best, prepare for the worst. and take care of YOU.

Carlotta

Isn't it up to Rehab to line things up and not me? I feel threatened and put upon. I feel manipulated. What is going on at rehab? Is this typical?


It s up to HIM and the rehab and not your problem. You don't want him back, he is a grown man and need to make his own living arrangement. That's what adults do.