What is the most difficult thing about having a loved one who is an alcoholic/addict
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Watching my best friend destroy himself and knowing that he has not hit his bottom yet and trying not to think about what his bottom might be if he ever reaches it because it terrorizes me.
What hurts even more is that we always had each other's backs and survived together a very difficult situation (nothing to do with alcohol) but this time around, I am powerless over his alcoholism and cannot help him.
Shoot that thread got me crying, I guess I need to work more on detachment.
What hurts even more is that we always had each other's backs and survived together a very difficult situation (nothing to do with alcohol) but this time around, I am powerless over his alcoholism and cannot help him.
Shoot that thread got me crying, I guess I need to work more on detachment.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
The most difficult part for me was seeing the transformation of a once proud, happy, and life-filled person before the disease had its grasps to the insecure, miserable, angry, wrinkled-clothed-wearing lifeless heap of a person laying on the couch. This was my best friend. My partner. My lover. His twinkle in his bright blue eyes made my heart melt. The twinkle no longer exists.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
For me, the most difficult thing about having a loved one -- in my case, a (former) lover -- who is an alcoholic is lack of knowledge. My friend (not comfortable calling him an ex) kinda dropped everything on me suddenly. I'm still trying to grasp an understanding of what's going on. 
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 4
Having to adjust and alter my life plans to not include this person in my future, even though it's against everything I want! And then the constant mental energy of convincing myself that everything will be ok...we know this but have to work on it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I've thought about this question. And then I read Shootingstar1's post here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...on-inside.html (scroll down to see her reply)
And I thought... there are so many "worsts" along that path that Shootingstar1 lays out. So many worsts.
There's the worst of admitting your loved one is an alcoholic.
There's the worst of working so hard to "save" them.
There's the worst of failing. Then realizing how powerless you are. (This does provide a freedom, but not at first.)
There's the worst of loving and hating at the same time.
There's the worst of the hope that keeps getting dashed.
Right now, my worst is sorting out my feelings about AXH. I loved him. Then I resented him. Then I hated him and feared him (not sure which one came first). Now, all those feelings are mixed up, together with the realization that he is going to die. His greatest fear was always dying alone, and he's made every decision along the way to make his greatest fear come true. He has now lost everything. And there's a part of me that somehow, despite it all, thinks that I have the power to reach out to him and make him see the light. This man who has repeatedly threatened my life and endangered the lives of our children. I still can't completely let go of the guilt of "letting him" fall this far.
Maybe that stubborn hope is the worst of all. The hope that maybe it isn't hopeless. Even when it is. The thought that somewhere, if I had only said or done the right thing -- I don't for a second want him in my life anymore; but it's breaking my heart to see what he has allowed himself to become.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...on-inside.html (scroll down to see her reply)
And I thought... there are so many "worsts" along that path that Shootingstar1 lays out. So many worsts.
There's the worst of admitting your loved one is an alcoholic.
There's the worst of working so hard to "save" them.
There's the worst of failing. Then realizing how powerless you are. (This does provide a freedom, but not at first.)
There's the worst of loving and hating at the same time.
There's the worst of the hope that keeps getting dashed.
Right now, my worst is sorting out my feelings about AXH. I loved him. Then I resented him. Then I hated him and feared him (not sure which one came first). Now, all those feelings are mixed up, together with the realization that he is going to die. His greatest fear was always dying alone, and he's made every decision along the way to make his greatest fear come true. He has now lost everything. And there's a part of me that somehow, despite it all, thinks that I have the power to reach out to him and make him see the light. This man who has repeatedly threatened my life and endangered the lives of our children. I still can't completely let go of the guilt of "letting him" fall this far.
Maybe that stubborn hope is the worst of all. The hope that maybe it isn't hopeless. Even when it is. The thought that somewhere, if I had only said or done the right thing -- I don't for a second want him in my life anymore; but it's breaking my heart to see what he has allowed himself to become.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Another of the many worsts: the worst of not knowing how many of my suspicions are real. Am I crazy and paranoid? What if STBX is really that great-guy facade after all? What if he's the great parent and I'm the one the children need protecting from? What if I'm wrong?
I'm the only one - besides the children, my midwife and mother - who's seen him in a rage, hide bottles, drive drunk, threaten and terrify me, push me...
OR, are my suspicions true about him and then some. Has he squandered our money on booze? Porn? Women? Drugs? Has he abused my older daughter? Hit the little one? Cheated on me repeatedly? What else has/is he doing? And will it damage us further?
Well, felt good to get that out of my head. Thanks for the excellent question and replies!
I think it's time to go enjoy this beautiful day with my darlings. On y va! Let's go!
I'm the only one - besides the children, my midwife and mother - who's seen him in a rage, hide bottles, drive drunk, threaten and terrify me, push me...
OR, are my suspicions true about him and then some. Has he squandered our money on booze? Porn? Women? Drugs? Has he abused my older daughter? Hit the little one? Cheated on me repeatedly? What else has/is he doing? And will it damage us further?
Well, felt good to get that out of my head. Thanks for the excellent question and replies!
I think it's time to go enjoy this beautiful day with my darlings. On y va! Let's go!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Coming to terms with the fact that the family I so desperately wanted with my ex alcoholic boyfriend and son would never happen. I'm also so heartbroken that my son will grow up and realize that his father loves alcohol more than my ex loves our son. That is the hardest part for me, just knowing my son will feel pain and sadness due to my ex's alcoholism
I'm also still coming to terms with the fact that my ex's new wife is now my son's stepmother...my ex cheated on me with this woman. We broke up, and after a year or so my ex and this woman got married, but he simply never told me that he was married. Yet my son, my ex, and I continued to have "family outings" like going to the park, the zoo, the beach. So even though we were broken up, I still held on to the illusion of a "family" when the three of us did family things together, even though they usually revolved around his drinking.
Thinking that if only I did xyz, then my ex would still be with my son. (I know this isn't true, though, but I'm still struggling with this.) Feeling like I am a failure, feeling a deep sense of rejection, feeling lonely and like I will never find anyone else to be in a relationship with, the fear that I will be a single mom forever.
I'm also still coming to terms with the fact that my ex's new wife is now my son's stepmother...my ex cheated on me with this woman. We broke up, and after a year or so my ex and this woman got married, but he simply never told me that he was married. Yet my son, my ex, and I continued to have "family outings" like going to the park, the zoo, the beach. So even though we were broken up, I still held on to the illusion of a "family" when the three of us did family things together, even though they usually revolved around his drinking.
Thinking that if only I did xyz, then my ex would still be with my son. (I know this isn't true, though, but I'm still struggling with this.) Feeling like I am a failure, feeling a deep sense of rejection, feeling lonely and like I will never find anyone else to be in a relationship with, the fear that I will be a single mom forever.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
Oh yes, realizing that my kids don't have the father they deserve, the father who can't even be bothered to call on their birthday's.
Also, the fear once i started a new relationship, even though i know he doesn't drink to excess, isn't mean to me, etc. the fear is still there that it was my fault ex turned out the way he did, and that i'll screw this guy up too.
Also, the fear once i started a new relationship, even though i know he doesn't drink to excess, isn't mean to me, etc. the fear is still there that it was my fault ex turned out the way he did, and that i'll screw this guy up too.
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