Agent007

Hi, I'm an adult in my mid-20s. My older sister suffered from alcoholism and a drug addiction when I was growing up. Fortunately she made it through rehab and has been sober for over a dozen years now.

I don't have too many clear memories from the time she was in rehab, as well as before she entered; I do remember visiting her in rehab a few times.

I'm the youngest in our family; we also have a brother in the middle.

My question is: how do you deal with the effects of alcoholism years later?

My problem is that I don't like being around alcohol for too long in certain environments, especially parties or at bars. I myself do drink, but I usually stick to beer and stop after 2 or 3, since I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop.

Last night, I was hanging out with some friends and they were playing a drinking game, and I started to feel numb emotionally; this is usually a signal that I need to leave the room for a while. I didn't know where to go since we were in my room, and I felt embarrassed to ask the guests to use another friend's room.

Eventually I went outside because I realized I was about to start crying. One of my friends whose brother has a substance abuse problem came outside and tried to comfort me. She said she tries to think of the drug in a positive way, and realize that while some people might get addicted to it, she recognizes that others enjoy it. She said this distinction has helped her to psychologically distance herself from associating the drug with her brother and painful memories.

Do you have any suggestions for how I can remain in a place where people are drinking and not start thinking about my sister? Because of my age, many if my peers drink for fun on a regular basis. I want to hang out with my friends, but I don't want to feel down because of old memories.

Thanks for your help! I appreciate any suggestions you may have.

SparkleKitty

I'm so sorry you struggle with this. I can only recommend speaking to a counselor about these unresolved issues -- addiction is a family disease. It can be hard to recognize in those who don't suffer the addiction themselves, but the effects are very real and often stay covered up for a long time before they bubble to the surface.

Terrispots

Agent007

My sister is also an A and I am about twice your age, but I have already lived your life... I will tell you, I was a young teen when my sister's drinking and drugging started, created massive chaos in the home and out and she was sent to rehab. She stopped and went to AA for a while, joined the Navy and started again. She got out and started the whole cycle again, and with noone to throw her into rehab or AA, she has never recovered. Our mother was also an A, so I we both have lingering effects from that. I still to this day, have major problems associated with being from an alcoholic family.

You said she went to rehab and is sober, but is she in an AA program, because most of the time, just because they arent drinking, doesnt mean they are in recovery. Alcoholism comes with a variety of behaviors even while "dry". My sister is what I call a "dry drunk" right now (going on about 3 weeks - because I told her the falling down drunk was not happening in my house).

I think it would be great for you to get into an al anon program immmediately. You sound like you have some of the same triggers as me, you are ok with someone having a beer or two, but as soon as you start to hear the slur of the voice or the tipsy walk, or a certain way they laugh only when drunk, it triggers the defense mechanism in you, because even though you dont have a bunch of memories of her drunk, your inner "child in an alcoholic home" DOES remember.

There is no promise that you will ever be able to be in a place where people are getting drunk, but al anon can help you start to put some pieces together and help you start to heal those wounds that flare in those situations. But it wont be over night and someone else's lightbulb moment wont be yours.

Know that you are not alone in your reactions or feelings. I am with you all the way.

Florence

I know some people suffer real emotional trauma, even PTSD, from growing up like this. In my experience, personal counseling helps a lot with relieving these symptoms.

Agent007

Hi, thanks for replying. Fortunately, my sister goes to AA meetings regularly. She became a social worker and ironically, I think her experiences with alcoholism helped her to understand her clients with substance abuse issues.

MTSlideAddict

Your sister sounds like she has found a good path for herself. There is nothing more rewarding then helping others in need, and in addictions to have firsthand knowledge can really help someone struggling to find their way out of the thick forest.

To have these strong resentments toward alcohol is extremely common for someone that has gone through what you have. To have the knowledge behind addictions and the turmoil that an addicted individual can play toward this resentment. People that don’t have loved ones that were/are addicts do not truly understand the chaos and pain that an addiction to alcohol or drugs can cause to that individual and the family. Therefore, they are naïve to the problems, and thus experience drinking and drugging as fun and harmless. When you have knowledge of the addictions and its rippling effects you see the dangers, and may not view these activities as a fun and harmless. My niece has seen drug abuse and addictions her entire life from her parents and very close relatives, and now at seventeen any one of her friends that talk about using drugs or drinking to excess she gives an entire lector.

I think therapy would be very powerful to uncover the resentments deep down, and help deal with the root of the problem.

Terrispots

That is great, I am glad she is in recovery. Now it is time for you to recover. As is said every day here, alcoholism is a family disease.

fourmaggie

ALCOHOLISM does effect everyone


al anon...a 12 step program? church?

LexieCat

Al-Anon would undoubtedly help, but there is also nothing inherently wrong with not enjoying being around drinking. You can start by reclaiming your own space. No drinking in your room, period. You don't do that there, you don't allow others to do it. Well within your rights. Your friends can party somewhere else. If you want to be with them wherever else they decide to do it, you can then easily leave and go home if it starts to get under your skin.

I am sober four and a half years now, and although it doesn't generally bother me a whole lot to be around someone else's drinking, when that is the main focus (bars, drinking games) it annoys me and I am not having fun. So I avoid those settings, or leave after a short time.

Don't feel that you have to force yourself to tolerate something you dislike. I also am totally bored by sports, and I don't go to sporting events (well, rarely), and I am bored to tears by long discussions about sports. Pretty much the same thing. I don't go to Superbowl parties. I don't feel my life is diminished because of it.

Define yourself--don't worry about fitting into activities you don't enjoy. It's part of becoming your own person.