How often do recovering exes come back?

Old 05-10-2013, 09:49 PM
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SolTraveler,

I get to make these awful jokes about drunks because I was one!
bwahahahahaha! Gotta get something good out of it. <snicker>

I have an Al Anon meeting tomorrow, and I am excited!
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Old 05-10-2013, 09:50 PM
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I was too, Beth But man... being on the other side of it sucks more than being active in my own addiction!
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Old 05-10-2013, 10:39 PM
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Shhhh, don't tell anyone.
Yeah, it sucked being a drunk, but I could avoid some icky feelings.

but I missed a lot of great ones too.
I am working for the great ones I owe to myself.

Stay sober, it is the only way to do this other stuff.
We can do it.

Beth
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Old 05-11-2013, 06:44 AM
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Sassydog-how do you get to the point where you believe it is a blessing that he left? I am stuck in how I wasn't good enough or exciting enough for him to want to stick around. I can't compete with his dreams of what Portland will be like nor the excitement of courting/chasing new women. I'm just me and it feels like that wasn't enough for him.
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Old 05-11-2013, 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by helltoraise View Post
Sassydog-how do you get to the point where you believe it is a blessing that he left? I am stuck in how I wasn't good enough or exciting enough for him to want to stick around. I can't compete with his dreams of what Portland will be like nor the excitement of courting/chasing new women. I'm just me and it feels like that wasn't enough for him.
helltoraise,

You were TOO much for him. You expected a real relationship, and he cannot provide that because he is drunk.
He could not possibly know how good you are, or what an exciting package you are because he is drunk.
Just because he can look for and maybe find another person to hang out with while drinking does not diminish you in any way!
You are enough just as you are!




Beth

PS Don't you have some helltoraise somewhere? Love that name. I hope it means something wild and free for you.
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Old 05-11-2013, 07:49 AM
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there is some point in all of us are "co dependent"...READ THE BOOK(Melody Beattie) there is so much wisdom in that book...and we all SUFFER with some sort of "self doubt" or "self esteem" issues...when we REALIZE that we are a WORTHY PERSON of great things...even if it is a good cup of Tea or Coffee....things CHANGE for us....we can make it happen for us because WE ARE WORTHY--no matter what the "druggie", "alcoholic" or "ego/arrogant" man says!!!

Huggles to you for finding your way
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Old 05-11-2013, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by helltoraise View Post
... I can't get past the fact that even an alcoholic feels he can find better elsewhere. He even said that...
I depends on which way you are looking. As long as I had my entire life focused on my ex all I could see in the world was her. I was isolated, lonely, exhausted, depressed, and the only woman in my world was her. Under those conditions she did look pretty good.

When I finally got away, got a _lot_ of al-anon into my head, started hanging out with other guys from the meetings, I realized there was more to the world than just that one, sad little house we lived in.

My ex _has_ found better elsewhere. She has found a whole string of married guys who will put up with her B.S., allow her to pop pills without question, wine her and dine her. She has definetly found better enablers elsewhere.

I was looking for a better life, and I found it away from an addict partner in the rooms of al-anon. She was looking for a better enabler, and she found them in bars and strip joints and who knows where. It depends on where you look. Wherever it is you are looking, you will find something.

Originally Posted by helltoraise View Post
.... he said he was happy with me, but it wasn't pure happiness....
Oh mine was plenty happy. I drove her to work and back, did the laundry, bought the groceries, fed the animals, walked the dog, cleaned the house, made good with the neighbors, kept the business going.... of course she was happy. I can't imagine an addict that would not be happy with a slave _and_ affairs on the side.

Originally Posted by helltoraise View Post
.... I invested 3 years of my life in this man.
I invested 20. Invested my business too, and my youth. The economy tanked, and so did my marriage. I am investing in something more profitable now. Me

I am old, I'm short, I am half bald and have serious health problems. Think I can get a date with that description? Actually, yes. Turns out there's a whole lot of ladies out there who are more interested in the _kind_ of person I am than in what I look like. I have even dated two who were _way_ tall, drop dead gorgeous, wonderfully sweet and did _not_ drink, drug or even smoke.

Ok, so they were way too young for me and they had Daddy-issues, but the point is that if a little old guy with a bad heart can make a happy new life then anybody can.

Mike
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Old 05-11-2013, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by arabhorseluvr View Post
....Did your addict ex come back? Under what circumstances? Who dumped who?...
Mine comes back about once every other year. I don't hear about it until later when her mother tells me that it's right about the time she lost whatever job she had. This last time it was because she wanted a ride to go see her mom on mother's day. About 1,000 miles, which she wanted to do as a road trip, without even saying "excuse me, do you remember me from years ago?"

As to who was the dumpee, I have no idea. Since she will only run around with married men I suspect my ex is the one getting dumped. Doesn't matter to me, it's her life not mine.

Mike
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Old 05-11-2013, 08:03 AM
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helltoraise,
Well, I would like to tell you that I truly feel this way but I don't always! However, I know that it is reality! I have always felt that the brick wall I hit over and over was really a protection for me when I couldn't/wouldn't protect myself! I know I was in an unhealthy relationship and really it was not acceptable to me nor would it have been to my family/friends!
It's been tough because I knew my XABF for many years (30) before he ever moved here! For some sick reason all these years he had me believing I was the best thing since slice bread & he loved me more than anything. This part has been hard to stomach because it wasn't reality & how could I have been so wrong! I read a lot on here all the time & find strength in knowing I am not alone nor is his behavior different. The rejection isn't so much about me! It helps remind me that I don't want a life like the one I had w/him!!! There were plenty of great times but the struggle is on going! I realized that even if he stops drinking that isn't a fix all! It wasn't until I removed myself that I realized how emotional abusive he really was to me.
It's hard to swallow still but I don't have a choice! There isn't any turning back for this girl! I let him back in it way too many times ! In addition, the devil inside me says to these other women that want him...."He isn't any prize"! They too will find this out! Now I don't know what the future holds for him but all this makes it easier for me to get by! Hang in there!
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Old 05-11-2013, 11:33 AM
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Thanks to everyone who responded. These forums really help.

Deserteyes- I need to rediscover the world as well. I left an unhealthy marriage and it was my goal to be healthier and expand my life. Then I meet my ex. Things were great for a good while, but then I noticed my world shrinking again. I became even more isolated then before. He kept himself pretty isolated as well. In fact when he broke it off he said he wanted to live life and do something "BIG" with it as in moving to Portland. I can't go with him because I have shared custody of my kids. It's insulting that he blamed me for being shut off from the world. I can't control it, but it bothers me that he associate me with being a in a rut.

Sassydog-I am learning. I find myself falling back into denial that his drinking and his bipolar aren't hindering him that much. I have a bad habit of romanticizing his life. My therapist says it my depression speaking and I need to learn not to focus on it. It is hard to swallow when your loved one doesn't value you or the life you tried to build with them. I feel like my love was spit back in my face. I still see all his good qualities and how some other woman will benefit from those and he will value her and want to give them. It's a process, but I'm trying to get it.
Wicked- thank you for those words. I will keep returning to them. Hell to raise comes from Fiona Apple's Sleep to Dream. I find the song fits. My ex said he wanted to do something "BIG" with his life and he also complained that I didn't have any vices(in his mind) I felt like he saw me as a goody two shoes because I was self destructive or into bed hopping. He sees himself as a kind of Don Juan loving many women over time searching for the one who will inspire him to stay. (from what I gathered from things he said over 3yrs. I could be wrong) Anyway, I feel it will be very important to me to get back in touch with the risk taker in me, because I feel he devalued the risks I took in my life because they didn't involve drugs, sex, or exotic locations. So yes it does represent something "wild and free" in me I have to reclaim for me and not to try to impress him.
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Old 05-11-2013, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by helltoraise View Post
I felt like he saw me as a goody two shoes because I was self destructive or into bed hopping.
My RAH said this exact thing about the goody 2-shoes to me also, referring to the fact that when we met 20 years ago, we both smoked cigarettes, drank a lot and in general lived a much more party-type lifestyle. In the past years, I quit smoking, drink seldom, eat healthy, took up running and biking, finally got a more "career-type" job and in general have done things in what I perceive to be a more mature fashion.

When he leveled this accusation at me as part of the reason he chose to spend every afternoon upstairs in his model-building room drinking, I somehow had the presence of mind to tell him "I don't know about YOU, but I would be very disappointed in myself if I HADN'T changed and grown and learned things in the last 20 years. I wouldn't think my life was too well spent if I was still hanging out in the same bars, talking stupid w/the same people and living for the weekends."

I think you should take this into consideration--since when is it a BAD thing to be level-headed and responsible?

Interestingly, when my RAH was first making some noise about maybe possibly quitting drinking at some point, like your A, he also had to fix his sights on "doing something big" to motivate himself and made some half-assed plans to walk a half-marathon as somehow being the goal that would get him sober. Again, luckily for me, I had witnessed this process before and knew it to be so much BS, which it was revealed to be in a matter of a few days.
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Old 05-11-2013, 11:45 AM
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helltoraise

my ex told me i was "boring" and the new house, the idea of marriage and raising children together were "boring" when we ended, too. well, the same things he told me were "boring" are the exact things he always said he loved about me the whole time sooooooo...go figure, right? did it hurt when he said the things to me? of course it did. i had been there with a 3 and 5 yr old, completely committed and thought differently than he did. actually--the key word there is ---THOUGHT. we all think differently than they do. i could totally let what he said to me continue to hurt OR i can realize he's a hurtful, manipulative man and it's a good thing it all came out his mouth to me.

i'll be boring. it's ok with me!! i'm going to be happy!!

don't dwell on things they said...they most likely do not remember and they sure aren't thinking about it. honestly, they are so screwed up anything they say should be dismissed immediately from our minds. easy to say and hard to do...i know...i know...
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Old 05-11-2013, 12:08 PM
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There's a phrase in AA's Big Book that describes the way alcoholics feel when they aren't drinking: "Restless, irritable, and discontented." And the drinking is what RELIEVES those feelings. Everything that doesn't involve drinking is boring, unsatisfactory, uncomfortable. So if you aren't into drinking yourself into oblivion and doing whatever irresponsible, stupid thing pops into your head at any given moment, you are, ipso facto, dull and boring. Of course, all that "excitement" and "danger" needs to be romanticized.

*shrug* It isn't that you, or the world, is unsatisfactory, it's his outlook on life.
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Old 05-11-2013, 12:22 PM
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thank you lexiecat. what you said helps. it's hard to remember everything i need to all the time when it comes to their outlook on things, life, events...because for all the crazy that was there...there were total moments of normalcy, clarity, etc...then i have to remind myself they were only moments and those kinds of moments diminish over time. or the moments were not real. i just put wayyyyy tooooo much consideration and thought in to him and what he said versus what he DID. good lord they can slick talk. like little masters. so smart yet so, so, so not. it's sad. then i move on!
thanks again!
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Old 05-12-2013, 11:31 AM
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I hope mine comes back.

He left so that he could give the needed attention to recovery. It was a new relationship, so it's not that we were in love. Still, he is a great guy (we were friends first) and I am hoping to get the chance to know him better, when he gets further down the road in recovery.
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Old 05-12-2013, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
There's a phrase in AA's Big Book that describes the way alcoholics feel when they aren't drinking: "Restless, irritable, and discontented." And the drinking is what RELIEVES those feelings. Everything that doesn't involve drinking is boring, unsatisfactory, uncomfortable. So if you aren't into drinking yourself into oblivion and doing whatever irresponsible, stupid thing pops into your head at any given moment, you are, ipso facto, dull and boring. Of course, all that "excitement" and "danger" needs to be romanticized.

*shrug* It isn't that you, or the world, is unsatisfactory, it's his outlook on life.
Thanks for sharing, LexieCat. Very insightful. My alcoholic ex also accused me of being "boring" when I wanted us to take our son on swimming lessons, art classes, whatever. When the three of us would have an outing (like an outdoor festival or the like), he would often purchase beer because he said "he deserved it" sicen he worked so hard at his job and that beer helped him relax. But in reality, alcohol helps him solves those feelings of boredom and discontent. This small observation helps me. Thank you again!
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Old 05-12-2013, 02:39 PM
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These thread has been really helpful this weekend. I know it is a process. A lot of wonderful points and insights. Today was rough. Last year for Mother's Day he gave me a gift. (he is not my kids' dad) I was touched that he would do that and felt lucky to have him. I don't know what I want for my life right now, but I hope something comes to me soon.
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Old 05-12-2013, 06:23 PM
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here's a tip...when we get involved with someone, it's really more about US than it is about THEM. I like you because you do something FOR me...you meet some need in me, or represent some unmet need I am now trying once again to GET met (family of origin stuff), maybe you are exciting and dangerous and it thrills me, maybe you are stable and predictable and it calms me, maybe you are extremely good looking and I feel better about myself that you want to be with ME, maybe you are funny and I don't know how to laugh....almost immediately I stop seeing YOU for YOU but see you as what you can do for ME.

so the question isn't really why did they not think us good enough, but why did we think so little of ourselves. why can we not decide our own self worth but must give that power to someone else?
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