My RAH said this exact thing about the goody 2-shoes to me also, referring to the fact that when we met 20 years ago, we both smoked cigarettes, drank a lot and in general lived a much more party-type lifestyle. In the past years, I quit smoking, drink seldom, eat healthy, took up running and biking, finally got a more "career-type" job and in general have done things in what I perceive to be a more mature fashion.

When he leveled this accusation at me as part of the reason he chose to spend every afternoon upstairs in his model-building room drinking, I somehow had the presence of mind to tell him "I don't know about YOU, but I would be very disappointed in myself if I HADN'T changed and grown and learned things in the last 20 years. I wouldn't think my life was too well spent if I was still hanging out in the same bars, talking stupid w/the same people and living for the weekends."

I think you should take this into consideration--since when is it a BAD thing to be level-headed and responsible?

Interestingly, when my RAH was first making some noise about maybe possibly quitting drinking at some point, like your A, he also had to fix his sights on "doing something big" to motivate himself and made some half-assed plans to walk a half-marathon as somehow being the goal that would get him sober. Again, luckily for me, I had witnessed this process before and knew it to be so much BS, which it was revealed to be in a matter of a few days.

helltoraise

my ex told me i was "boring" and the new house, the idea of marriage and raising children together were "boring" when we ended, too. well, the same things he told me were "boring" are the exact things he always said he loved about me the whole time sooooooo...go figure, right? did it hurt when he said the things to me? of course it did. i had been there with a 3 and 5 yr old, completely committed and thought differently than he did. actually--the key word there is ---THOUGHT. we all think differently than they do. i could totally let what he said to me continue to hurt OR i can realize he's a hurtful, manipulative man and it's a good thing it all came out his mouth to me.

i'll be boring. it's ok with me!! i'm going to be happy!!

don't dwell on things they said...they most likely do not remember and they sure aren't thinking about it. honestly, they are so screwed up anything they say should be dismissed immediately from our minds. easy to say and hard to do...i know...i know...

There's a phrase in AA's Big Book that describes the way alcoholics feel when they aren't drinking: "Restless, irritable, and discontented." And the drinking is what RELIEVES those feelings. Everything that doesn't involve drinking is boring, unsatisfactory, uncomfortable. So if you aren't into drinking yourself into oblivion and doing whatever irresponsible, stupid thing pops into your head at any given moment, you are, ipso facto, dull and boring. Of course, all that "excitement" and "danger" needs to be romanticized.

*shrug* It isn't that you, or the world, is unsatisfactory, it's his outlook on life.

thank you lexiecat. what you said helps. it's hard to remember everything i need to all the time when it comes to their outlook on things, life, events...because for all the crazy that was there...there were total moments of normalcy, clarity, etc...then i have to remind myself they were only moments and those kinds of moments diminish over time. or the moments were not real. i just put wayyyyy tooooo much consideration and thought in to him and what he said versus what he DID. good lord they can slick talk. like little masters. so smart yet so, so, so not. it's sad. then i move on!
thanks again!

I hope mine comes back.

He left so that he could give the needed attention to recovery. It was a new relationship, so it's not that we were in love. Still, he is a great guy (we were friends first) and I am hoping to get the chance to know him better, when he gets further down the road in recovery.

Thanks for sharing, LexieCat. Very insightful. My alcoholic ex also accused me of being "boring" when I wanted us to take our son on swimming lessons, art classes, whatever. When the three of us would have an outing (like an outdoor festival or the like), he would often purchase beer because he said "he deserved it" sicen he worked so hard at his job and that beer helped him relax. But in reality, alcohol helps him solves those feelings of boredom and discontent. This small observation helps me. Thank you again!

These thread has been really helpful this weekend. I know it is a process. A lot of wonderful points and insights. Today was rough. Last year for Mother's Day he gave me a gift. (he is not my kids' dad) I was touched that he would do that and felt lucky to have him. I don't know what I want for my life right now, but I hope something comes to me soon.

here's a tip...when we get involved with someone, it's really more about US than it is about THEM. I like you because you do something FOR me...you meet some need in me, or represent some unmet need I am now trying once again to GET met (family of origin stuff), maybe you are exciting and dangerous and it thrills me, maybe you are stable and predictable and it calms me, maybe you are extremely good looking and I feel better about myself that you want to be with ME, maybe you are funny and I don't know how to laugh....almost immediately I stop seeing YOU for YOU but see you as what you can do for ME.

so the question isn't really why did they not think us good enough, but why did we think so little of ourselves. why can we not decide our own self worth but must give that power to someone else?