Newlook3

Well it's 3 weeks since the last episode with my ABF or ex, not sure at the moment. We have maintained a sort of contact via text for that time, not daily but most days, normally ending in a few texts with him stating 'you have got what you wanted, can find Mr Perfect now' or such like. I am swinging from anger to deep despair and realise that I'm not functioning very well. Today I have heard nothing and that hurts more than hearing something, even if its not very nice, why is that? I keep thinking that I was happier with him than like this, I have no interest in anything and am finding everything difficult. I keep reading all the posts on here and realise he wasn't as bad as some but am aware it would probably get worse. Now I wonder if I wasn't ready to end it and feel he has actually accepted that it is and deep down that wasn't the result I wanted. It's worse because recently we had sort of started 'dating' again, meals out, cinema and nights away and they were all fine. I feel I overreacted to the latest incident based on the history of our relationship and feel a bit lost now. For the last 3 weeks not once has he said he loves me or wants to sort it, maybe it was over a long time ago and I hadn't realised. Just want to feel ' normal' again.

AnvilheadII

3 weeks is not that long AND you are still in contact, which makes any real healing almost impossible. it does not sound like the texts are helpful in anyway, just rehashing and reblaming. of course i do not believe ANY part of a relationship should be conducted via TEXT...it can't get more impersonal and lame than that.

you have to decide...done or not done. if you ARE done, then you drop ALL contact so that you BOTH can move along, rather than :horse or OR you are not done, and you keep doing what you are doing til you are ready to do something else! pick whatever you can live with.

SparkleKitty

This is where I often got into trouble with my co-dependent relationships. I craved for a normal feeling as opposed to the pain of the separation. The problem was that "normal" usually entailed the rollercoaster drama of the dysfunctional relationship. In other words, I didn't feel RIGHT unless I felt BAD. It was only in hindsight though -- when I was in the middle of it I didn't get that it was BAD...it just felt COMFORTABLE. Or, "normal".

Change and growth is painful and uncomfortable. And it is worth every bit of it.

Newlook3

Well I now know that I have to break all contact. Tonight he has bombarded me with vile texts accusing me of all sorts all of which are untrue and ludicrous. He has even asked me to put a word in for him with one of my closest friends. I don't think I could feel any worse even if I was curled in a ball and he was kicking me. I know I should've just turned my phone off but it was almost like I had to read it to be sure I was doing the right thing. I was nearly there anyway as for the first time ever I have opened up to my friends about what has been going on and that in itself was a big step but important as I now have support that I didn't have before. I feel alone, but less so now. I didn't think I needed AlAnon but now I think maybe I do. There is only one group near me and I really don't know what to expect? Will I have to speak, I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

Newlook3

Sparklekitty, that is exactly how I described it to my friend today. Said I just wanted to feel comfortable again instead of this change but if I think about going back to the relationship as it was and not how I wanted it to be then I know I don't want that either. Just want the knot in my stomach to go, want to eat and sleep.

MTSlideAddict

Al-Anon is a wonderful place to get support. You do not have to speak. You can listen in silence as long as you wish.

SparkleKitty

Isn't it strange how we are sometimes better at eating and sleeping when things are in total chaos? It gets better, I promise. You can get used to peace just as you did to calamity.

Recovering2

The hardest thing about AlAnon is walking in the door that first time. But you will quickly realize you are in a room of friends. Everyone's story is a little different, yet our stories are all the same. You do not have to share if you're not ready. But each time I go, even if I just listen, I walk away with something helpful. It will help you get peace back in your life. Try a few meetings before you decide if it's right for you or not.

Your friends can be supportive, but if they don't have experience living with an A some of this can be difficult for them to understand. In AlAnon, like on this site, we all get it. So you would benefit from both your friends, and AlAnon.