Leaving after 10 years and need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
Leaving after 10 years and need support
I feel strong at times, numb at times, hopeful, free, exhausted, nostalgic, depressed…
Today is hard. I woke up and for that split second (between sleeping and waking) I thought he was in the bed next to me and I almost rolled over and said “good morning”. I’m so used to him being there, because he has been everyday for the past 10 years. Sometimes after work, I almost call him and tell him I’m on my way home.
I just turned 30; I spent 20-30 with him. That’s a long time.
Each time I remember a good memory, I counter it with a bad memory to keep myself balanced, is it a good method to use? I think it is helping me. I realize now that even when many of the “good memories” were being created, there was an element of deceit going on in the background that I wasn’t aware of.
He was an addict before I met him; when I met him he was in recovery and doing great…I really loved him so I gave it a chance. He was fine for a long time, as long as everything was “perfect” but as soon as there were difficult choices to make, stressors to endure, hardships to face he looked to drugs/alcohol for escape.
Throughout his time as an addict he developed his methods of deceit and is pretty good at deceiving. This time he was shooting heroin for three months and I didn’t know. He's progressed from alcohol to heroin (which he used to use a long time ago). I’m tired of the cycle of half-truths, deceit etc. I have given so many chances and I can’t give another. My friend says that he is concerned because he knows I am kind and is afraid that I will continue to give him chances, because I want so much for him to make it, and each time it will wear me down until I get sick or have a breakdown. He also believes that my boyfriend is selfish enough (but not in a malicious way) to stand by and let it happen.
He has given up on himself and I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure him. This existed in his life long before I arrived. I just thought we could get through it together. But I was wrong and it hurts. It hurts to leave but I will be committing myself to an emotional/spiritual prison if I stay…and the deceit will happen again and I will be crushed a little more each time. He could make me sick…using needles is a huge risk. I am so worried about his well being, worried that he might die of an overdose or on the street. But the painful truth is he is not as worried about my well being. I don’t doubt that he loves me, but I think he loves me for what I can do for him…like a sense of support/comfort/companionship not in a way that nourishes, uplifts and supports me also…because when I need that he is unavailable and always mired in his own melodrama. I’m drained. He’s in rehab now, so I have time to breath and think. I’m still in our apartment and that’s hard. I am looking for another place and it seems surreal. I need support to get through this, I feel on the brink of intense despair but I am working really had to keep my head up and stay focused…to trust that I am doing the right thing. Even his sponsor said, a while ago, that he should ask me to move/kick him out if he picks up again. And he’s been picking up every day for the past three months.
Today is hard. I woke up and for that split second (between sleeping and waking) I thought he was in the bed next to me and I almost rolled over and said “good morning”. I’m so used to him being there, because he has been everyday for the past 10 years. Sometimes after work, I almost call him and tell him I’m on my way home.
I just turned 30; I spent 20-30 with him. That’s a long time.
Each time I remember a good memory, I counter it with a bad memory to keep myself balanced, is it a good method to use? I think it is helping me. I realize now that even when many of the “good memories” were being created, there was an element of deceit going on in the background that I wasn’t aware of.
He was an addict before I met him; when I met him he was in recovery and doing great…I really loved him so I gave it a chance. He was fine for a long time, as long as everything was “perfect” but as soon as there were difficult choices to make, stressors to endure, hardships to face he looked to drugs/alcohol for escape.
Throughout his time as an addict he developed his methods of deceit and is pretty good at deceiving. This time he was shooting heroin for three months and I didn’t know. He's progressed from alcohol to heroin (which he used to use a long time ago). I’m tired of the cycle of half-truths, deceit etc. I have given so many chances and I can’t give another. My friend says that he is concerned because he knows I am kind and is afraid that I will continue to give him chances, because I want so much for him to make it, and each time it will wear me down until I get sick or have a breakdown. He also believes that my boyfriend is selfish enough (but not in a malicious way) to stand by and let it happen.
He has given up on himself and I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure him. This existed in his life long before I arrived. I just thought we could get through it together. But I was wrong and it hurts. It hurts to leave but I will be committing myself to an emotional/spiritual prison if I stay…and the deceit will happen again and I will be crushed a little more each time. He could make me sick…using needles is a huge risk. I am so worried about his well being, worried that he might die of an overdose or on the street. But the painful truth is he is not as worried about my well being. I don’t doubt that he loves me, but I think he loves me for what I can do for him…like a sense of support/comfort/companionship not in a way that nourishes, uplifts and supports me also…because when I need that he is unavailable and always mired in his own melodrama. I’m drained. He’s in rehab now, so I have time to breath and think. I’m still in our apartment and that’s hard. I am looking for another place and it seems surreal. I need support to get through this, I feel on the brink of intense despair but I am working really had to keep my head up and stay focused…to trust that I am doing the right thing. Even his sponsor said, a while ago, that he should ask me to move/kick him out if he picks up again. And he’s been picking up every day for the past three months.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Shutterbug1, there is one silver lining to this--you are not married to him, or, I presume, have children with him. This makes your journey sooo much easier than it would have been, otherwise.
P.S. When injected drugs are a part of the picture--it is wise to think about STD's. This could be lifesaving.
Folks, I don't like being a buzzkill, but one has to think in terms of reality.
very sincerely, dandylion
P.S. When injected drugs are a part of the picture--it is wise to think about STD's. This could be lifesaving.
Folks, I don't like being a buzzkill, but one has to think in terms of reality.
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear Shutterbug1, it's a new day and there's a new life waiting for you. I know you feel on the brink of despair, but you're also on the brink of serenity. You have already done all the work to be able to see the situation for what it is, you're not minimizing or sugar coating. That's important.
One day at a time. As you said, you have a little breathing room right now. Find a new place, take the steps to a new life. Maybe do something nice for yourself.....something simple....like a mani/pedi.
((( BIG HUGS )))
One day at a time. As you said, you have a little breathing room right now. Find a new place, take the steps to a new life. Maybe do something nice for yourself.....something simple....like a mani/pedi.
((( BIG HUGS )))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
It is painful! As difficult as this is try to look at the bright side which is you are still so young & have opened doors to a better life for yourself! I realize that at the moment that doesn't make you feel much better but it is reality!
I find it difficult to let go of someone I love, have a lot of history with & have put everything into the relationship but the truth in my situation is that nothing every really improved rehab, no rehab, sober or active. Sure at times it was better when he wasn't drinking but all roads back to the bottle for my XABF! It was a prison and many times even thou he is no longer in my life I still feel great pain but I am now free to have a better life! I am free to find someone that deservers me & that I deserve!
You have some of the best years of your life ahead & I hope you will find peace & freedom to enjoy those years!
I find it difficult to let go of someone I love, have a lot of history with & have put everything into the relationship but the truth in my situation is that nothing every really improved rehab, no rehab, sober or active. Sure at times it was better when he wasn't drinking but all roads back to the bottle for my XABF! It was a prison and many times even thou he is no longer in my life I still feel great pain but I am now free to have a better life! I am free to find someone that deservers me & that I deserve!
You have some of the best years of your life ahead & I hope you will find peace & freedom to enjoy those years!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Shutterbug.... you have the courage to do what I should have done myself YEARS ago! I'm only on 8 years...and no hard drugs involved...but still, I know you thought you could help him. We all thought we could help our A's. I think there just comes a time when a person finally wakes up and says, "HEY! I'm tired..... I've tried.....I can't do anymore for you.... and you are bringing me down too...." Several times I thought I had reached this point but always let him come back. I know the pain of saying goodbye..... but the real strength is moving on and accepting it.
You can do this. I can tell by your post that you have a good head on your shoulders. The pain will get better with time. Take good care of yourself and keep your mind busy. We are here to support you so stay with us
You can do this. I can tell by your post that you have a good head on your shoulders. The pain will get better with time. Take good care of yourself and keep your mind busy. We are here to support you so stay with us
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I understand just how tough it is. I have been with my husband since I was 18. I am 30 now. I too devoted a decade with him. He was my world. He was my best friend. Just thinking about him not sharing my life with me brings me to tears at times. I have to remember that his disease has taken him away from me. I think it helps me too to counteract the good memories with the bad. It seems to be the only way to keep up the strength. I still have not taken physical action to leave my situation, but I have been working on the 12 steps, gathering my strength, and making a plan. I am done with the lies and empty promises. I am done not seeing happiness in my future.
It really hurt last night when I had called my AH on my way home. He doesn’t know the extent of my feelings. He was waiting to pick up my niece from work and looked through the restaurant window, and he saw a young couple sit down at a booth. They chose to sit on one side of the booth and were affectionate to one another. He told me that that had gotten to him. He said that he remembered how we used to be, and how now we don’t have that. I cried for a few minutes after the conversation remembering some good times, but then I remembered an instance in the past when my AH wasn’t picking up the phone and then he showed up three hours late at the house when we had a date night planned. He was extremely drunk, and didn’t even acknowledge me. At that time I worked two jobs and went to school, and a date night was hard to come by. I was really looking forward to this date. We didn’t go on the date. It broke my heart. That memory was one of many that keep me from falling fast.
Your range of emotions are normal, and it will get better. You are doing the right thing. Take one day at a time, and keep focus on your path. We are all here with you on your journey.
Hugs.
It really hurt last night when I had called my AH on my way home. He doesn’t know the extent of my feelings. He was waiting to pick up my niece from work and looked through the restaurant window, and he saw a young couple sit down at a booth. They chose to sit on one side of the booth and were affectionate to one another. He told me that that had gotten to him. He said that he remembered how we used to be, and how now we don’t have that. I cried for a few minutes after the conversation remembering some good times, but then I remembered an instance in the past when my AH wasn’t picking up the phone and then he showed up three hours late at the house when we had a date night planned. He was extremely drunk, and didn’t even acknowledge me. At that time I worked two jobs and went to school, and a date night was hard to come by. I was really looking forward to this date. We didn’t go on the date. It broke my heart. That memory was one of many that keep me from falling fast.
Your range of emotions are normal, and it will get better. You are doing the right thing. Take one day at a time, and keep focus on your path. We are all here with you on your journey.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
I started dating my husband when I was 15. Married him at 20. Filing for a divorce at 34.
Shutterbug, I teared up when you talked about that moment between sleep and awake when everything feels like it is okay. Because that is the only time that it is.
The other day, when I got home from work, he was in the back yard on the porch swing while the boys were in the sandbox. I sat down beside him and thought, even when we are divorced, maybe sometimes we will sit together like this and watch our kids. (I think that feeling of appreciating the glory of your children with the one other person who really, really gets it is so delicious). We did not touch or even talk, and I thought, well, that is what it is going to be like, but maybe we will always have at least this connection.
Then he stood up to go inside, disappear into his room for the night and, presumably, have a drink.
Shutterbug, I teared up when you talked about that moment between sleep and awake when everything feels like it is okay. Because that is the only time that it is.
The other day, when I got home from work, he was in the back yard on the porch swing while the boys were in the sandbox. I sat down beside him and thought, even when we are divorced, maybe sometimes we will sit together like this and watch our kids. (I think that feeling of appreciating the glory of your children with the one other person who really, really gets it is so delicious). We did not touch or even talk, and I thought, well, that is what it is going to be like, but maybe we will always have at least this connection.
Then he stood up to go inside, disappear into his room for the night and, presumably, have a drink.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
After writing this post, reading responses and calling a friend, I feel a bit better. When I woke up this morning, depression hit me hard. I was fine yesterday and the day before, even beginning to enjoy freedom from worrying. I think the fact that I am going to the detox hospital this afternoon to drop off clothing for him has got my emotions twisted up. I won’t see him, but I think just the action of going there is a trigger. I can’t wait to get it over with and have the weekend totally to myself. Well, I’ll be visiting family. It’s really important for me to be connected with supportive people right now. I’ve been calling a good friend at night and it’s been helping me deal with the initial void that is left in his absence. Although… last night I started to feel lonely but then I thought to myself…at least I’m not worried, terrified or just generally dealing with his regular bad moods now, I can handle this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
Thank you Archangelesk. The night before I took him to the detox hospital he was laying in the bed sick from withdrawal. I thought to myself this is likely the last night I will spend together with him in the same bed, and it was a difficult realization. So, I laid down next to him and put my arm around him. As soon as I did, he immediately shook me off saying “please baby, I’m so sorry…it just hurts so bad, my whole body is in pain.” I laid alone for a while there and thought about what had just happened. Then I got up and went in the other room. I realized that I was again trying to believe in something that was not accurate. It was a defining moment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
You know (and please, please, please forgive me if someone who is reading this is grieving the death of a loved one) but I was thinking this morning that if my husband had died, this would be better. I would feel all of this grief, but not this desperate pull to try and do something to save him or this unquashable, but very naive hope that he will suddenly rejoin my life in a healthy way.
If he were dead, I could just love him and mourn him. Instead, I love him and mourn him and rage at him and cry out to him and beg and plead with him all inside my lonely little soul. And I feel unbalanced and uncertain and like moving on is just the most wrenching but necessary thing.
If he were dead, I could just love him and mourn him. Instead, I love him and mourn him and rage at him and cry out to him and beg and plead with him all inside my lonely little soul. And I feel unbalanced and uncertain and like moving on is just the most wrenching but necessary thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Archangelesk, your post just made me sob, that is exactly how I feel. The range of emotions is whats so difficult to deal with and forgive me when I say that at one point today I did think it would be easier to deal with if he had passed. This is more painful because I just want him to change, for me, for our relationship. It seems so easy but impossible for him as he truly believes that I am to blame for everything, if I had loved him more everything would be ok. But I know there is not enough love in the world to make him feel secure in a relationship. He was even jealous of my daughter!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Archangelesk 
You know (and please, please, please forgive me if someone who is reading this is grieving the death of a loved one) but I was thinking this morning that if my husband had died, this would be better. I would feel all of this grief, but not this desperate pull to try and do something to save him or this unquashable, but very naive hope that he will suddenly rejoin my life in a healthy way.
If he were dead, I could just love him and mourn him. Instead, I love him and mourn him and rage at him and cry out to him and beg and plead with him all inside my lonely little soul. And I feel unbalanced and uncertain and like moving on is just the most wrenching but necessary thing.
If he were dead, I could just love him and mourn him. Instead, I love him and mourn him and rage at him and cry out to him and beg and plead with him all inside my lonely little soul. And I feel unbalanced and uncertain and like moving on is just the most wrenching but necessary thing.
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