Archangelesk

So I have amazing in-laws. They are incredibly supportive in everyway even as I am planning to divorce their son. They want him to have the best chance at recovery, and they get that me no longer enabling my husband is his best shot.

In addition to the emotional support, they just sent a sizable check. I was told to use it for attorneys fees or child care or whatever I thought best. They also said they intend to send more.

I am torn about this. They worked very hard and saved carefully - and are comfortable now because of it. They have their house paid off. But I feel like I should do this on my own. And in the long run, I have to just figure out how I will add child support and childcare payments to my budget. (I am the sole bread earner and my husband is at home with the kids. I predict he will get some custody). But in the short term, it would be a blessing to have help with all the unexpected costs- like attorney's fees.

If this were one of my sons, I would want to do the same thing. But I am still conflicted to be on the recieving end. Maybe that's crazy? Thoughts?

deeker

[QUOTE=Archangelesk;3958516 But in the short term, it would be a blessing to have help with all the unexpected costs- like attorney's fees.

If this were one of my sons, I would want to do the same thing. But I am still conflicted to be on the recieving end. Maybe that's crazy? Thoughts?[/QUOTE]

It is a true blessing from God and it is coming through their hands. Accept it graciously.

If I had the means I would help anyone I could, but a giving heart comes from God and I believe your in laws have a giving heart from God.

lillamy

Well... I think of my former inlaws and I shudder a bit.

If that check came from my inlaws, it wouldn't have strings attached -- it would have ropes the size you use to tie up Navy ships with. Cashing the check would be tantamount to signing a contract saying "By accepting this money, I will also take your son back after rehab whether or not he gets sober."

I hope your inlaws are not like that.

But that would be my fear.

wicked

Please take it with grace.
Maybe his parents are thinking only of their grandchildren, and do not want them to suffer the consequences (financially) of their son's alcoholism.
When my ex's parents paid for anything or gave me money it was clear it was mine to help the children. the strings were tied to my ex husband. He never managed to man up, but my inlaws never held me responsible either.

As a new grandparent myself, I could not give my money to my son or his girlfriend who had the baby. I buy diapers, formula milk. If I could trust them to take care of the baby with the money I would. But, sadly I cannot.
Take it on faith they trust you, or ask them outright.
I think it is a good thing.

Wow, Mother's Day is coming up. Get some flowers to brighten up your house and theirs. My late mother-in-law loved the small things I got for her to remember "her" day, when her son missed the mark. something to think about. Not taking his responsibility, just being gracious to another mom struggling with a sick son.
I have one too. Sigh, when did this post become about me?




Beth

Lulu39

LMAO!

My mother in law would attach strings and a contract that stated: "By accepting this money, you understand that I will take the first child borne of my grandson, your son, and I will also mindf*ck that kid."

FeelingGreat

I suggest you use it for the children, like pre-paying the school fees (excursions etc), or some other expense you know is coming up for them. That will take some of the burden off later on when things get a bit tight.

Florence

It depends on the in-laws. In my family, getting a check is both an obligation and an apology, and a substitute for feelings and I love yous. To my in-laws, a check is the "support" you get instead of getting emotional support and independence.

But I'm not too rich or proud to take a check.

Just know what you're looking at so you can manage it accordingly.

stella27

1. Accept help. There will be so much that you are going to have to do alone that you must accept help where it comes.

2. Spend it on what you need NOW. Especially as it benefits the children so that if you are ever asked to account, you can show that it was used for their grandchildren.

3. My in-laws were very supportive until their son started telling HIS side of things. Primarily that he was the victim here. You can't count on a man's mother to take your side when the going gets tough (and it will) because at some point it will be him against you and your growth and success and responsibility will make him look bad in comparison and his parents may very well shift their allegiance.

4. Trust me on #3.

5. My advice is take it but don't think that their largesse and goodwill will last forever because it very possibly will not, I'm sorry to say.

Archangelesk

Thank you. I think I am going to ponder the idea of being gracious. I believe the gift was given purely and I am going to try to accept it that way. I am also going to meditate on gratitude. I may be having a hell of a time with my husband, but your stories remind me that I could be doing a heck of a lot worse on the in-law front!

I pondered my feelings about this and I think it boils down to pride and a fear of strings. Pride I just need to get over. I am about to go from being financially stable to being on very uncertain ground. Rationally, pride needs to go out the window.

The concern with strings is manifest in worry over whether my spending will now rightly be the object of a 3rd party's scrutiny. But don't really have evidence that this will be the case, other than a generalized concern that my in-laws are super frugal to a point that I just don't have time for (They save a ton of money on groceries, for example, by cutting coupons and going to 4 different stores. I percieve that as a waste of time and gas money. Plus, I never met a coupon I could get to the register at the same time as the product I wanted to buy). And I am always placing restrictions on myself out of worry about others people's feelings. Having recently understood this to be part if a codependent personality, I know I need to step back. My in-laws and I have mutual love and repect for each other and I am going to trust that.

Archangelesk

May I be a mother who can see truth, even about my children. I think that my mother-in-law may be one of these rare, rare gems. But, duly noted.