Archangelesk

My heart is also out of sync with my rational brain with respect to my significant other. But once I dug into the issue, started reading and posting here and educating myself about codependency, my aching heart started to have less power. I am still in a lot of pain, but my unhealthy attachment is not driving my decision-making. I am sure it takes a different amount of time for everyone, but I thought I'd post this just to encourage you. Just keep noodling this. Something will break through.

For me, I did a lot of work planning an intervention for my husband. And I finally realized it was all about him and it needed to be about me. It put me in that position you mentioned - making an ultimatum and being stuck in the place of having to react, yet again, to him. So I stopped. And started planning my exit. He is going to do what he is going to do. And I am going to get out of his way. It hurts well, you know exactly how much, because you are there too. But it also feels good because I am working on the things I can control. And I think there is happiness and peace for me around the bend. Maybe he will be a part of that someday, maybe not, but that is his issue, not mine. For now, I am on my way to healthy.

Sending you strength.

peacedove

onipar

i did not know 1/100th of what my ex meant when he said things in the beginning. i thought logically and came up with answers not even close! he knew what he meant because he had done it all before, been through it all before, seen what happened before and watch intimate relationships fall apart before.
he didn't walk up to me when we met and say "i'm an alcoholic, i'm on weed, opiates and coke at any given time, or a combo of all, i'm not going to make a good partner for you, i am going to break your heart and basically put you in a place you have never been before which is close enough to hell you won't know the difference."

NO! it took months and months and months of all these things you have now experienced PLUS other things before i felt so bad but could not figure out what was happening to me. it was slow, slow, slow to come to me. people here will tell you similar things. it is common. it's what they do.
AND if i ever said "OH i thought you meant ....not...." he would look at me and say something like "why would you think that?" or "huh? i can't remember what i said to ever make you think one way or another."
OUR brain does not do what theirs does at all. Period. Our hearts are different, too. Be thankful we have them. It may hurt but at least we FEEL in realtime--no substances--no nothing. we can have true happiness and joy. this is something they can not do because they think it's in a substance. it isn't. but we can not tell them. or show them.
save yourself.

prayers

onipar

Thanks so much, Archangelesk. I definitely need it!

This reminds me...

Yesterday, after posting in the other thread about looking forward for myself, and not getting dragged down, I did some real research into applying to a graduate program for English, to further my teaching career. I spoke of this briefly in the other thread I started.

When I picked up my AGF from work (where I now know she had been drinking), I told her about the program, and how great it is because they fully fund the courses (pay for your classes), plus pay ME a $19,000 stipend to teach a class per semester! This is amazing, and I told her, and mentioned that they can do this because apparently they only accept 5-7 students per year for the program.

Her first reaction was not what I accepted. She immediately went negative: "That sounds really competitive. It's probably really hard to get in. Etc etc."

Only through my continued excitement for it did she finally concede, "Well yeah, I guess it doesn't hurt to apply."

I'm fairly certain the negativity was to dissuade me from the program, because it would call future housing into question. No. Not supportive after all.

onipar

And peacedove, thank you too for your continued posts and support. It really is crazy when i look back at how far things have progressed. There were signs early on, but I didn't want to see them. Looking back, I can't believe ti tried so hard to ignore it.

peacedove

no problem and it's why we are all here.
another tid bit: get out of it THEN look back.

i made the big doozie of a mistake of "looking back" to when things were good, when things were different, blah blah blah. stayed in it longer while i was doing so, too. wrong move because only more damage occured and delayed me being where i am today. not where i want to be but not where i was either.
yes, it progresses slowly and just creeps in little by little by little. it sucks, too.
you can and will look back over things in the future and it will be totally different when you are out of it, away from it and healing. i can vouch for that! all the confusion starts to clear and answers to questions you didn't even know you had start flowing like crazy.
never do get "support" from an alcoholic. remember: selfish. self centered. all about them. somehow. always. you may not know how it's about them but it is. promise.

Archangelesk

Apply Onipar!

Boy, do I recognize that non-enthusiastic bull-#@!@$.

You are going to go have an amazing, rich life. Go get it.

onipar

I am definitely going to apply. The program is just too good not to, and will get me on a much needed, better road.

As many of you have said, I have to think of me, and I'm trying. Boy am I trying.

ShootingStar1

If life is a race, and you can run free as the wind and win, why would you want to run three legged, tied to a drunk who would rather run backwards?

You're making GREAT progress - - GO FOR IT!!!!!!

ShootingStar1

marie1960

If for some ungodly reason I ever found myself involved with an active alkie again my only words to him would be........

"I choose never to be involved with someone who is an active addict." period . the end.

You sound like you have a wonderful,and prosperous future ahead of you. Don't fool yourself here, there is truly nothing you can do or say to help her, but this addiction of hers is guaranteed to to make you feel like you were hit by a moving bus, and lived. Lots of lifelong painful consequences for those of us whose daily lives were exposed to an addict.

In her present condition, Can you actually see her as the mother of your future children? Time to get brutally honest with yourself. All I can truly offer, SAVE YOURSELF.

Oh, if she's drinking at work, won't be long, and she will probably be jobless too, which will allow for more time to drink all day.

ZiggyB

I don't have much to say aside from I'm just sorry...

One time I found an empty bottle of brandy in my closet (BF and I did not live together). When I confronted him on it, he said he was planning to get rid of it later and he knew I wouldn't approve of it.

The sneaking around with the booze is very hurtful because you really feel like you can't trust them with anything. She's in denial, not much you can do.

I know my breaking up with my ex was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do, I really loved him and was hoping we could build a life together. It just sucks but relationships are difficult enough without throwing alcoholism into the mix.

onipar

You are so right.

Honestly, it's really the lies/sneaking around/hiding things that bothers me the most. Her behavior while drinking isn't that bad, and obviously she hides it well if she can do it at work. But since she has moved in, she has hidden things. There have been hidden empty bottles (always good excuses for it when I found them), drinking when I'm not around, drinking in the morning, leaving the bedroom in the middle of the night/morning to continue drinking, and now all of this stuff I have posted about.

I'm also about 99% sure she downed a 3/4 full bottle of cough syrup with codine at some point, because the bottle was mysteriously empty one day.

I found the bottle and left it on the table for three days where she could see it, and she never mentioned word one about it. I tossed it and said nothing after that.

Yes, it's the worst part for me. It makes me worry about what else she will/does lie about and hide.

ShootingStar1

Onipar, these are not things that you need to be worrying about. They are her choices, and she appears determined to make and continue to make choices like these.

Think of it this way: if you didn't have to spend your time thinking about her lies and behavior, you'd have all that time, energy, and focus available for your own life.

Just doesn't seem like a fair bargain to agree to - giving up what you need and deserve to try to keep her from doing what she intends to do.

And she is an adult, she has the absolute right to live exactly as she wants to. One of the hardest things for me to really take in at gut level was that I did not have the right to impose what I thought my AH's life SHOULD be like, or to judge him for living the way he wanted to.

I DID get to say whether or not I would live with him and his choices. I said no, actually h*ll no after he added another addiction to the mix, and I left.

Been much happier since.

ShootingStar1

peacedove

i don't know about yours...but mine also lied about...his financial situation(no it was not his divorce that wiped him out like he said--he wiped himself out drinking and partying and snorting the money up his nose among other things), his current business is not a huge success as he said(he is barely keeping it going and how could he really when all he really wants to do it party or have a good time), he owes the max on his credit cards and has not been paying them down(his card was declined for 2.47 or so at redbox movie rentals), it was not his ex wife's BP disorder that killed their marriage(i've now experienced him--with all the drinking and the drugs--put her diagnosis in with all that and they both did it--he killed that marriage, too), he has not paid the IRS what he owes(he said he had it worked out) AND he didn't file this year either on top of that(he was supposed to and who would screw around with the IRS?), he is in to coke on top of alcohol(he said it was a one time thing. WRONG! phone told me so with the cryptic messages about meetings to get it) AND last but not least he is not a great father to his boys as he said he was or like i thought he was also(what he does is for show--it is not heartfelt--and anyone who would choose drugs and alcohol when they have two beautiful boys is NOT a good father. he won't even be here for them at the rate he is going and he isn't the best at anything. they will see what he does and think it's ok. just stinks. period)
those are just a few of the lies. no stability in there whatsoever. but this dude is high functioning and unless you are super close to him you would not know. i have no idea if he will hit rock bottom as they say. but to me it isn't looking good. i may be wrong but....oh well....i'll just have to be wrong.

sunnshinegirl

Onipar, I fell for that line early in the dating game. My AH said no one understood him to explain why he had so many women in and out of his life and there I rushed in to save him and boy what a mess I'm in years later. I'm just saying from experience it will only get worse unless someone is really committed to change and you can't fix or save anyone and no matter what you do, she'll keep raising the bar and you'll keep chasing after it. (Or at least I did.) I ignored all the warning signs. I hope you'll focus on yourself and your happiness. It's hard to detach from someone you love and it hurts but it's better than a lifetime of continuous pain. There's some amazing pinned threads at the beginning of this forum that might help you too.

sunnshinegirl

Just want to add I'd run. I deal with this every day. Anything I want to do is demeaned and anything I accomplish is devalued. I've gotten to the point where I can't share anything or really say anything because anything I do is wrong. You don't want to live a life with a negative person who won't stand behind you and support you and cheer your accomplishments.

AnvilheadII

onipar - please apply for that program!!! once upon a time I had dreams of being an English teacher and then my path took a hard left and I never quite got BACK to that goal. not complaining, just sayin'. just go for it. your g/f is in no state of mind to see the forest for the trees much less be supportive of your growth and endeavors.

her world is really tiny right now...about the distance between her lips and whatever bottle she's drinking. it's almost infantile, the need to suckle and be soothed. said gently, but she's a mess hon. and that is VERY sad....for anyone. however i'm not sure that it's YOUR job to remedy her illness, not at the expense of your own sanity and future.

the reason why we so often speak of tough love and not doing for THEM what they can do for themselves is not that we don't CARE....it's about trying to limit HOW many lives are destroyed, mangled, altered and stifled by addiction.

Crazed

Hi Onipar. Sorry you are here. From what you have described, your GF is not at the edge of the cliff. She has jumped over the edge. The lying, deceiving, cough medicine, drinking at work, etc.... Her disease is out of control. It will not change or get better no matter what you do. It *may* get better if she goes to rehab, adopts a strong recovery program, etc. But even so, the statistics of alcoholics recovering is tremendously low. There is always hope- but it is her deal, her sickness and her choice.

You, on the other hand, have your own choices, which I believe you are looking into. First off, I feel like you need to make the choice to ACCEPT that your GF is a full blown alcoholic. You no longer need to count drinks, bottles, when she is drinking, etc. You no longer need to question if she is lying, etc. She is doing what alcoholics do.

And if you need reminders:
1) Non alcoholics only take narcotic cough medicine to help them with a cough
2) When you take a sip of a non-alcoholics Gatorade or water bottle, it doesn't have liquor in it
3) Non alcoholics don't get drunk while at their place of employment, or before work

She is making her decisions with no regard to you and your relationship. You will hopefully begin to do the same.

How do I know this? My EXAG hid vodka in water bottles, monster energy drinks, diet cokes, etc. With her last DUI it was in an iced tea bottle. She used to drink Nyquill at work. She lied constantly, even when she didnt have to. It made me crazy, and I am still crazy from it.

Crazed

Which reminds me- how come so many alcoholics who drink Vodka never seem to drink it with orange juice? Isn't that how vodka is most normally consumed? Another point as to "it is baffling."

I digress.....

Recovering2

I personally don't think you need to get into a discussion about this with you AGF. What could you possibly say? She knows she's drinking. She knows she's hiding and lying. She's already told you she's not right for you. You don't need her permission to make decisions for you. If you want her to move out, you just give her a deadline to move out.

Be careful and don't get caught up in "watching". Don't look for bottles, smell containers, note what time she gets up to drink, etc. It will make you crazy...and it does no good. You know everything you need to know at this point. It is progressive, so you also know she's going to get worse. Divert the energy you use watching her, and use it towards your fabulous opportunities with your career. Detach.

Readysteady

@Crazed....my brother is drinking a ton of vodka, with orange juice. If he's depleting vitamins, one he's full of is vitamin C! I hope your situation improves, ONIPAR!