I have to get this out of my head.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
I have to get this out of my head.
When AH came back all sober, and into his job, spouting off about "integrity" and "honesty" I fell hook line and sinker. Apologizing for cheating on me, stating: "I was drunk, I am so sorry I was always drunk, I'm better now."
FINALLY, I get the man I married back, he's CURED. And then, reality hit. His sobriety lasted a good month or so, if he was sober at all. Which looking back on it, he was really truly white knuckeling it. I remember gong to the garden store and he had a panic attack. And I literally had no idea how to deal with him. I said, we can stop, you can walk around and he snapped at me to just stop talking. I had said literally 10 words to him in that last 1/2 hour. This was not a one time thing. We literally had nothing to say to each other, because I had no idea what he was thinking, ever. And he didn't care to know what I was thinking or feeling.
I knew then, unless he had some sort of therapy or AA, this was who he was going to be, perhaps forever. I asked him to go to AA, he didn't want to, as he knew how to handle this. We became more and more distant, him sleeping on the sofa, us never really talking about the other woman and what happened. I was just supposed to forget it and move on. I tried, I just couldn't. One day, he had a bad bad day at work and there was a 12 pack sitting next to him. Classic enabler me said, well, just this once. Until it turned into me eventually buying him alcohol when he asked. And sometimes when he didn't.
I was/am ashamed.
I am just as sick as he is.
Long story short, we had a huge blow out, I said, you need more help than I am capable of giving, and I am just as sick as you are. And I am.
How quickly I fell back into that hole. It scares me even. I never got over the cheating, he never really worked a program and we just settled back into the status quo that got us into this mess in the first place.
SO, one day I told him. I deserve a partner, someone who is present, and you deserve to get sober. And if it means that we separate and divorce, I would rather have you out in the world, sober than with me, drunk. We are toxic to each other right now, and may always be toxic to each other. I don't know, because I don't know him without me, and he doesn't know me without him. And we had a few weeks of knowing each other 10 years ago before all of this, or not. I don't know. But I've been building a life on that first few weeks of bliss, and the last 10 years have been a few weeks a year of bliss and 9 months of horror.
So, I guess, I just had to get this out. I am just as sick. And I need help as well. And I am getting it, because I can recognize it. He moved out of state, to an ex, who has "issues" (much more than I could ever endeavor to have, trust me, issues is an understatement.) and spent his first day there at a bar for 8 hours with her. The place where he was going to go get sober at, the place he could start over. The place he said that had nothing to do with anyone else, but for him to finally get his life in order. He still loves me and this is about him now. So, I sent him on with the highest of hopes and the best of wishes. And again, I had some other woman thrown into my face. Maybe I deserve it. Because I am the baddie.
He left his house that is going into foreclosure, turned in his sports car to the bank, left his dog with me, packed two bags with some clothes and his guns, and was gone. The day before he left, we hugged and kissed and I said to him, please, just get sober, whatever happens, get sober. I said it without any care for myself, I could and can and will get through this, I will. I said to him, I will not be sitting here like Ms. Havisham, trust me. But, I feel like I am. Waiting for the man I have in my head to come back. He, I don't know, perhaps he is best rid of me.
We said that his debt is his, that my house is mine and that we wouldn't ask for anything financially that we didn't come into the marriage with.
He's running away. And it pisses me off and I understand at the same time. He was fired two weeks ago, he made plans to move within a week. He had a great job, and was promoted while we were married. He lost it right after we got back together. This was his dream job, and he ****** it up just like he ****** up his last dream job. Now, he is deciding that he is just going to wrench on stuff, making maybe 15 bucks an hour. From 90K. I'm OK, I make a good living, and he's never really contributed anyways, so, my life will go on with a lot more spending money.
There was a time when I was living in Europe that I was on the cusp of alcoholism. I couldn't make the day without my bottle of sparkling wine. I was going through a really bad breakup, and I handled it by drinking myself to sleep every night. I moved back to the states and stopped it immediately. So, I get him wanting to leave and just pretend this life never existed. He even says to me, living here is like you living in Hamburg. And, I knew it wasn't. I knew that he was finding any reason other than himself to forget that he was running away from every responsiblity. He has to run away. When I left Europe, I sold my business, and made sure everything was taken care of, including selling my business for a profit.
But here I am, dealing with his dog, who is aggressive and untrained, having my neighbors ask me why I am even dealing with this dog. And I say, it's my husband's dog. It's what I do. I deal with it.
Yup. That's me. Dad dies of cancer and no one cares? Who's there to make sure he eats everyday, and wipes his ass. Owathu. None of my siblings, (and I love love love my sis to death, she is truly my soulmate) were there. I was. I did it. I made sure he had dignity. I made sure he lived, I made sure. And then he died. I called the ambulance, I checked him in, I was there joking around with him when the ER Doctor told him he had maybe three days. And we laughed about it, trying to pretend we didn't just hear what we did.
I told AH when we got back together, I am tired of fixing people. Of taking care of people. I'm just so tired of it. But, I do it. Because it is what I know. And that is not a life. Where's my joy? I actually told my AH that us breaking up is worse than my father dying. My father dying I was expecting.
I was doing laundry last night, and there happened to be a shirt of his in there. I couldn't help myself and I smelled it. Wow. The tears and all of it came out. I was howling in pain. H's dog came into the basement, this wild black beautiful german shepherd came down and sat next to me and howled as well. He misses him as well. And we sat there, cried in pain for about 15 minutes, letting it all out.
I don't know, I just needed to get this all out of my head.
I am ashamed I bought him alcohol. I am ashamed that I wasn't worth it to actually get help for himself. I am ashamed I took him back after what he did. I am ashamed that he had to leave me, to get sober, that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough to help him get there.
Yes, this sounds like a pity party. But, this all his been circling my brain since he left, and I have to get it the f out of my head already.
FINALLY, I get the man I married back, he's CURED. And then, reality hit. His sobriety lasted a good month or so, if he was sober at all. Which looking back on it, he was really truly white knuckeling it. I remember gong to the garden store and he had a panic attack. And I literally had no idea how to deal with him. I said, we can stop, you can walk around and he snapped at me to just stop talking. I had said literally 10 words to him in that last 1/2 hour. This was not a one time thing. We literally had nothing to say to each other, because I had no idea what he was thinking, ever. And he didn't care to know what I was thinking or feeling.
I knew then, unless he had some sort of therapy or AA, this was who he was going to be, perhaps forever. I asked him to go to AA, he didn't want to, as he knew how to handle this. We became more and more distant, him sleeping on the sofa, us never really talking about the other woman and what happened. I was just supposed to forget it and move on. I tried, I just couldn't. One day, he had a bad bad day at work and there was a 12 pack sitting next to him. Classic enabler me said, well, just this once. Until it turned into me eventually buying him alcohol when he asked. And sometimes when he didn't.
I was/am ashamed.
I am just as sick as he is.
Long story short, we had a huge blow out, I said, you need more help than I am capable of giving, and I am just as sick as you are. And I am.
How quickly I fell back into that hole. It scares me even. I never got over the cheating, he never really worked a program and we just settled back into the status quo that got us into this mess in the first place.
SO, one day I told him. I deserve a partner, someone who is present, and you deserve to get sober. And if it means that we separate and divorce, I would rather have you out in the world, sober than with me, drunk. We are toxic to each other right now, and may always be toxic to each other. I don't know, because I don't know him without me, and he doesn't know me without him. And we had a few weeks of knowing each other 10 years ago before all of this, or not. I don't know. But I've been building a life on that first few weeks of bliss, and the last 10 years have been a few weeks a year of bliss and 9 months of horror.
So, I guess, I just had to get this out. I am just as sick. And I need help as well. And I am getting it, because I can recognize it. He moved out of state, to an ex, who has "issues" (much more than I could ever endeavor to have, trust me, issues is an understatement.) and spent his first day there at a bar for 8 hours with her. The place where he was going to go get sober at, the place he could start over. The place he said that had nothing to do with anyone else, but for him to finally get his life in order. He still loves me and this is about him now. So, I sent him on with the highest of hopes and the best of wishes. And again, I had some other woman thrown into my face. Maybe I deserve it. Because I am the baddie.
He left his house that is going into foreclosure, turned in his sports car to the bank, left his dog with me, packed two bags with some clothes and his guns, and was gone. The day before he left, we hugged and kissed and I said to him, please, just get sober, whatever happens, get sober. I said it without any care for myself, I could and can and will get through this, I will. I said to him, I will not be sitting here like Ms. Havisham, trust me. But, I feel like I am. Waiting for the man I have in my head to come back. He, I don't know, perhaps he is best rid of me.
We said that his debt is his, that my house is mine and that we wouldn't ask for anything financially that we didn't come into the marriage with.
He's running away. And it pisses me off and I understand at the same time. He was fired two weeks ago, he made plans to move within a week. He had a great job, and was promoted while we were married. He lost it right after we got back together. This was his dream job, and he ****** it up just like he ****** up his last dream job. Now, he is deciding that he is just going to wrench on stuff, making maybe 15 bucks an hour. From 90K. I'm OK, I make a good living, and he's never really contributed anyways, so, my life will go on with a lot more spending money.
There was a time when I was living in Europe that I was on the cusp of alcoholism. I couldn't make the day without my bottle of sparkling wine. I was going through a really bad breakup, and I handled it by drinking myself to sleep every night. I moved back to the states and stopped it immediately. So, I get him wanting to leave and just pretend this life never existed. He even says to me, living here is like you living in Hamburg. And, I knew it wasn't. I knew that he was finding any reason other than himself to forget that he was running away from every responsiblity. He has to run away. When I left Europe, I sold my business, and made sure everything was taken care of, including selling my business for a profit.
But here I am, dealing with his dog, who is aggressive and untrained, having my neighbors ask me why I am even dealing with this dog. And I say, it's my husband's dog. It's what I do. I deal with it.
Yup. That's me. Dad dies of cancer and no one cares? Who's there to make sure he eats everyday, and wipes his ass. Owathu. None of my siblings, (and I love love love my sis to death, she is truly my soulmate) were there. I was. I did it. I made sure he had dignity. I made sure he lived, I made sure. And then he died. I called the ambulance, I checked him in, I was there joking around with him when the ER Doctor told him he had maybe three days. And we laughed about it, trying to pretend we didn't just hear what we did.
I told AH when we got back together, I am tired of fixing people. Of taking care of people. I'm just so tired of it. But, I do it. Because it is what I know. And that is not a life. Where's my joy? I actually told my AH that us breaking up is worse than my father dying. My father dying I was expecting.
I was doing laundry last night, and there happened to be a shirt of his in there. I couldn't help myself and I smelled it. Wow. The tears and all of it came out. I was howling in pain. H's dog came into the basement, this wild black beautiful german shepherd came down and sat next to me and howled as well. He misses him as well. And we sat there, cried in pain for about 15 minutes, letting it all out.
I don't know, I just needed to get this all out of my head.
I am ashamed I bought him alcohol. I am ashamed that I wasn't worth it to actually get help for himself. I am ashamed I took him back after what he did. I am ashamed that he had to leave me, to get sober, that I wasn't good enough, or strong enough to help him get there.
Yes, this sounds like a pity party. But, this all his been circling my brain since he left, and I have to get it the f out of my head already.
. I hope you fine peace!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Owathu-
I just want to acknowledge how hard this is.
I also wanted to say how much more real this post feels from you....then in the past.
I know how hard it to be in reality about this, but it really is the chance to start the healing.
Keep putting one step in front of the other.
I just want to acknowledge how hard this is.
I also wanted to say how much more real this post feels from you....then in the past.
I know how hard it to be in reality about this, but it really is the chance to start the healing.
Keep putting one step in front of the other.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
You are no Miss Havisham! Miss Havisham didn't have a smart phone or the Internet so that's probably why she was all alone.
You have us!
Rubbish. You are not the baddie. He just needs an enabler. And joy of joys! He's found one! You are off the hook.
"Losing" him is not worse than your father dying. Get your head around that. He is alive and abusing the life that he has and abusing the people who love him.
Whatever "him" he presented to you was a dirty lie. He used you and abused you.
You have us!
Originally Posted by owathu 
The place where he was going to go get sober at, the place he could start over. The place he said that had nothing to do with anyone else, but for him to finally get his life in order. He still loves me and this is about him now. So, I sent him on with the highest of hopes and the best of wishes. And again, I had some other woman thrown into my face. Maybe I deserve it. Because I am the baddie.
"Losing" him is not worse than your father dying. Get your head around that. He is alive and abusing the life that he has and abusing the people who love him.
Whatever "him" he presented to you was a dirty lie. He used you and abused you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Owathu,
Stop beating yourself over the alcohol! Do you really think that if you had not caved he would be sober now? His decision to drink or not drink was his unless you put a gun to his head and forced his jaws open and poured it down his throat!
Seriously, the man drinks because he chooses to drink and he chooses not to pursue "whatever" it takes to not drink. Was he diligently seeking help or trying to find his own way out of addiction?
No. That is his job. Not yours. It wasn't ever your responsibility.
I know the pain and despair of letting go of a relationship ... the fantasy that we create in our mind of that person being who we "hope" they will become with our help over time.
It is not real. And men who cheat... well.. they generally always are untrustworthy alcoholic or not.
He is not relationship material and you are wise to embark on a journey of self discovery and your own recovery. Life can be GREAT... you can be happy, at peace and achieve complete serenity. You can become wise about who you are and how to nurture and develop relationships with healthy people. How to spot "red flags" a mile away and keep on the path of peace and joy.
So.... these are your first steps.... great ones! Posting here and venting and "feeling" the feelings.
Now... about that dog. Like men dogs have personalities, temperaments. I used to train dogs to high levels in obedience, tracking and protection in Schutzhund which you may have heard of when you were in Europe. We chose our puppies carefully (more carefully than I chose my men....lol).
This dog may be worth putting time and energy into to turn it around but NOT if you don't want a dog! And if you want the dog you need him to give the dog in writing and then have it evaluated and get into some training to make it worth having around! If you like dogs this could be a fun hobby to take up (not Schutzhund) but maybe utility or some other fun dog sport.
Or let the XA know that the dog needs to go or you are going to put it up for adoption ... you are NOT a doormat! The XA has no right to expect you to clean up his messes or care for his dog!
So.... give all that some thought. Keep posting. Check out alanon. Saved my life. And always remember.... life WILL be good again in time... if you work it!
Stop beating yourself over the alcohol! Do you really think that if you had not caved he would be sober now? His decision to drink or not drink was his unless you put a gun to his head and forced his jaws open and poured it down his throat!
Seriously, the man drinks because he chooses to drink and he chooses not to pursue "whatever" it takes to not drink. Was he diligently seeking help or trying to find his own way out of addiction?
No. That is his job. Not yours. It wasn't ever your responsibility.
I know the pain and despair of letting go of a relationship ... the fantasy that we create in our mind of that person being who we "hope" they will become with our help over time.
It is not real. And men who cheat... well.. they generally always are untrustworthy alcoholic or not.
He is not relationship material and you are wise to embark on a journey of self discovery and your own recovery. Life can be GREAT... you can be happy, at peace and achieve complete serenity. You can become wise about who you are and how to nurture and develop relationships with healthy people. How to spot "red flags" a mile away and keep on the path of peace and joy.
So.... these are your first steps.... great ones! Posting here and venting and "feeling" the feelings.
Now... about that dog. Like men dogs have personalities, temperaments. I used to train dogs to high levels in obedience, tracking and protection in Schutzhund which you may have heard of when you were in Europe. We chose our puppies carefully (more carefully than I chose my men....lol).
This dog may be worth putting time and energy into to turn it around but NOT if you don't want a dog! And if you want the dog you need him to give the dog in writing and then have it evaluated and get into some training to make it worth having around! If you like dogs this could be a fun hobby to take up (not Schutzhund) but maybe utility or some other fun dog sport.
Or let the XA know that the dog needs to go or you are going to put it up for adoption ... you are NOT a doormat! The XA has no right to expect you to clean up his messes or care for his dog!
So.... give all that some thought. Keep posting. Check out alanon. Saved my life. And always remember.... life WILL be good again in time... if you work it!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear owathu, have you read any of Melodie Beattie's books on co-dependency??
If now, I highly suggest that it would be a good experience for you. It would help pull back the curtains on many things that seem confusing to you , right now.
sincerely, dandylion
If now, I highly suggest that it would be a good experience for you. It would help pull back the curtains on many things that seem confusing to you , right now.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Many years ago I was like you, blaming myself for not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough and all the rest of the negative things we tell ourselves when someone we love “won’t change”.
I heard it a million times – you can’t make someone else change or do anything they don’t want to do. But that codie in me always took it as a challenge. I was hell bent on proving that yes I could. My situation was always different then theirs – yea right!!
One day I was having a venting conversation with a very good friend about all the horrible things my ex was saying and doing and of course I added that I was going to do this to get him to change and I was going to that……..she stopped me and said “I never realized how selfish and self centered you were to think that HIS issues are all about YOU.
The last thing a codie ever thinks they are is SELFISH cause we are so giving so caring so loving…………..but she was right and it really took me a while to wrap my mind around that but I did……so I guess you can say that is also how I learned about acceptance. Realizing that the only person I can fix or repair and change is ME.
Every day can be a new beginning if we give it a try.
I heard it a million times – you can’t make someone else change or do anything they don’t want to do. But that codie in me always took it as a challenge. I was hell bent on proving that yes I could. My situation was always different then theirs – yea right!!
One day I was having a venting conversation with a very good friend about all the horrible things my ex was saying and doing and of course I added that I was going to do this to get him to change and I was going to that……..she stopped me and said “I never realized how selfish and self centered you were to think that HIS issues are all about YOU.
The last thing a codie ever thinks they are is SELFISH cause we are so giving so caring so loving…………..but she was right and it really took me a while to wrap my mind around that but I did……so I guess you can say that is also how I learned about acceptance. Realizing that the only person I can fix or repair and change is ME.
Every day can be a new beginning if we give it a try.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Owathu, it is so good to hear from you.
Your post is eloquent.
There is a raw honesty in what you have written that moves the soul of the reader.
You have played out the "what if" and "if only" scenarios that we all have, and found the truth of what your life with your alcoholic husband is.
You are facing that truth with great courage.
There is no written time table for when people come to insight. That moment happens for us when it happens, no sooner, no later. Some of us have to play out the "what ifs" to truly understand what we are up against.
You are an inspiration. Let us be here for you!
ShootingStar1
Your post is eloquent.
There is a raw honesty in what you have written that moves the soul of the reader.
You have played out the "what if" and "if only" scenarios that we all have, and found the truth of what your life with your alcoholic husband is.
You are facing that truth with great courage.
There is no written time table for when people come to insight. That moment happens for us when it happens, no sooner, no later. Some of us have to play out the "what ifs" to truly understand what we are up against.
You are an inspiration. Let us be here for you!
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
You guys are really awesome. I wanted to delete the whole post so I could pretend to myself that is not who I am, you know? Pretend that I am tougher that I really am, that I don't care that he does this over and over again. and I am the willing participant. Just so I can once again feel my face in the "sun". It's pathetic, and I am sick of myself for missing someone who wouldn't even spit on me if I were on fire. THAT'S how f-d up I am.
I remember when I met him, I wasn't even attracted to him and was hesitating on even calling him back. Cripes, I almost didn't even go out that night, but I had just moved back from Europe and my friends were begging me to go out, and I did. Ugh. Should have stayed home. LOL.
I know know know he is not relationship material, before I married him I knew he wasn't, but I just had to win! Had to get that man down the aisle.
I am so pissed at myself right now, I can't even say. And pissed at him for once again throwing me to the ground. Like, did I ever think that he would become the fantasy that i have in my head? Really?
And I am mourning him, because he will kill himself through this if he doesn't stop. He moves accross the country to stop and he still can't. I need to mourn him as if he is dead, and that's sad. He is not a monster, but he is acting like one.
Ugh.
I remember when I met him, I wasn't even attracted to him and was hesitating on even calling him back. Cripes, I almost didn't even go out that night, but I had just moved back from Europe and my friends were begging me to go out, and I did. Ugh. Should have stayed home. LOL.
I know know know he is not relationship material, before I married him I knew he wasn't, but I just had to win! Had to get that man down the aisle.
I am so pissed at myself right now, I can't even say. And pissed at him for once again throwing me to the ground. Like, did I ever think that he would become the fantasy that i have in my head? Really?
And I am mourning him, because he will kill himself through this if he doesn't stop. He moves accross the country to stop and he still can't. I need to mourn him as if he is dead, and that's sad. He is not a monster, but he is acting like one.
Ugh.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
And Hopeworks, I do love dogs, I actually have three now with H's GSD. It is just sometimes so overwhelming with the dogs, two are close to 100 pounds and then I have a Maltipoo who is under 10 pounds. Trying to wrangle all of them is a ton of work. And with the GSD, I told H that if he leaves him here, he cannot have him back, he's mine. I love that dog, truly love him, he's just realy aggresive outside of the house. So. I am signing him up for training classes in order to get him socialized. H never spent time walking him, and we got him 3 months before he cheated on me with that other woman, so I never really got to get my hands dirty in training him. So, for the last 7 months or so, he's been only in a fenced back yard with the other woman's dog. He will be fine, if anything, we all know I love a project! :op
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Owathu, I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly, but please try to be kind to yourself.
You didn't cause him to start drinking again, he would have done it regardless but would have hidden it. Who knows, he could have already been hiding it. He prob. tells himself that you are the reason he relapsed, but that is only to deflect the blame off him and so he doesn't have to deal with his decision to drink. You do not have the power to make him relapse, just as you don't have the power to make him stop.
It is good that you are getting all these feelings out. When a loved one finally separates from their A they go through a grieving process, almost like we go through a grieving process when someone dies. It is completely natural. He has been a constant source of drama, chaos, pain, and lies. You have been holding onto the hope that he will change and envisioning a perfect future for so long that it is natural to be feel lost, depressed, angry, sad, etc. when suddenly he is gone. So let the feelings flow and allow the grieving process to take its course but know that you will be okay
You have the chance to start fresh now without the pain, chaos, and manipulation of an alcoholic. You are lucky to be in a position where you can support yourself and have a home, you will be okay. In fact, you will be more than okay! You now can work on yourself and find what makes you truly happy. You know how you were always hoping the future would get better? Well now you can work towards the future you want and make goals and move towards them! As long as you leave him in the past and keep taking steps to move forward and work on yourself then things will continue to get better and better!
Take it day by day and treat yourself for the next couple weeks.
You didn't cause him to start drinking again, he would have done it regardless but would have hidden it. Who knows, he could have already been hiding it. He prob. tells himself that you are the reason he relapsed, but that is only to deflect the blame off him and so he doesn't have to deal with his decision to drink. You do not have the power to make him relapse, just as you don't have the power to make him stop.
It is good that you are getting all these feelings out. When a loved one finally separates from their A they go through a grieving process, almost like we go through a grieving process when someone dies. It is completely natural. He has been a constant source of drama, chaos, pain, and lies. You have been holding onto the hope that he will change and envisioning a perfect future for so long that it is natural to be feel lost, depressed, angry, sad, etc. when suddenly he is gone. So let the feelings flow and allow the grieving process to take its course but know that you will be okay
You have the chance to start fresh now without the pain, chaos, and manipulation of an alcoholic. You are lucky to be in a position where you can support yourself and have a home, you will be okay. In fact, you will be more than okay! You now can work on yourself and find what makes you truly happy. You know how you were always hoping the future would get better? Well now you can work towards the future you want and make goals and move towards them! As long as you leave him in the past and keep taking steps to move forward and work on yourself then things will continue to get better and better!
Take it day by day and treat yourself for the next couple weeks.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
This doesn't sound like a pity party to me at all Owathu, it sounds like a Declaration of Independence. You are finding your way through this codependent mess where realizations & awarenesses hit you when you aren't expecting it (like the laundry) & you're doing your best to process it. I think it's a perfect example of progress!!
Thank you for sharing more about your courageous journey!
Thank you for sharing more about your courageous journey!
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