sunnshinegirl

How did you find the courage to leave your abusive AH? Just wondering if anyone can share their stories. I've read all the pinned posts on verbal abuse and they've been helpful but I'd love to hear from you who have actually had the courage to follow through with leaving.

Tuffgirl

I won't say it was easy, because it was gut-wrenching. But I knew the moment I hit the end of my rope. I was missing my relationship with my girls, and the "family" I had dreamed of didn't exist. Then I realized my career was suffering, and I couldn't let that happen. I was miserable and the only person who can fix that is me.

My own personal responsibility kicked in. Self-preservation is another good word for it. And I had to act at that point.

It took a long time to finally reach the divorce aspect. We stayed separated for almost 18 months before filing. I had high hopes but was very wary. My trust was blown, and quite frankly so was my respect for him as a man. Plus, my daughters (his steps) were not supportive of it anymore.

I went to Al-Anon and saw a therapist for those entire 18 months. And surrounded myself with supportive people. I got my groove back at work, and enjoyed my alone time with my daughters. I bought my own house and made it our home. I went back to the sports I loved and had dropped because the stress was overwhelming. So when the divorce happened - it wasn't near as devastating as it could have been.

I love my life now. I am having a great time dating, and met someone from my long ago past and we are having a lovely time reconnecting! My life is peaceful, I am happy, my kids are thriving, I feel very grounded and much more wise about life and relationships, and go to bed happy at the end of each day.

I have tons of new tools in my emotional toolkit. I grew up A LOT over the last 3 years. So much so that I can appreciate the lessons my experience down the road of alcoholism brought me. Weird, but true.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel, sunshinegirl. But the walk down that path belongs to you and you alone. When you are ready, you'll know it.

P.S. I went completely NO CONTACT and followed through with it. Still maintain it. It is imperative to end it and mean it. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT. Period.

marie1960

I was not involved in a physically abusive relationship.

Just being around an addict every day takes a toll on our mental and physical health and well being.

I woke up one day, and decided enough was enough.

The years of unacceptable behavior had worn me quite thin.

I could finally see he had NOTHING to offer.

Relationships are supposed to enhance our lives, not leave us in a tailspin of "What the hell just happened here and WHY am I allowing all this BS in my life?"

I could not honestly answer that question, so I knew things had to change.

I guess it comes down to getting painfully honest with yourself.

newme2013

The abuse in my relationship was not just verbal. It eventually turned physical. The physical abuse occurred many times before I finally called the police and got a restraining order. I don't know what it was that made me finally say enough. That night I just knew I was done. I knew things were only going to continue to get worse. I had wasted years of my life married to a man who was the ideal husband one day and the next a ranting, raving, and abusive lunatic. One of the things that probably helped push me to separate from him and recently file for divorce was that other people starting noticing his behavior. In the previous 10 years he would say horrible things to me when we were alone but acted like the perfect husband in public. He had gotten so out of control that he would be disrespectful, demeaning, and out right abusive towards me in front of other people. Part of what finally pushed me to say enough was probably the embarrassment of having people approach me about how awful he treated me.

sunnshinegirl

Thank you. I'm taking baby steps every day towards my goal but for every step forward, I have doubts and probably those are codependent doubts because I worry about how he'll survive and I know how angry he'll be. Someone posted in one of the threads yesterday that they'd rather be alone than spend every day with someone wishing they were alone and that's how I feel. Just worn down so I'm trying to gather strength to continue with my escape plan. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. Means a lot to me.

marie1960

oh sunshine, they are master manipulators, he will survive just fine! You do not need to worry about that.

Time to start thinking about how you feel. Second guessing the situation is not helpful, we never truly know what someone else is thinking in their head. Give yourself permission to go FORWARD. He is not your problem. He's a grown man. He can take care of himself. You are not abandoning a child here.


Keep taking those babysteps, before you know it, you can be living a life free of addiction.

MsPINKAcres

It took me a long time to leave - but I started with a small change. .

I would get up every morning saying two things

"God, we got thru yesterday, Thank you. Now Please help me get through today"
and
"IF you want something different, you have to be willing to do something different. what can I do different today?"

If you search under my name - you can read about my journey - I finally left in November 2008 and it hasn't always been easy - but it has been the best decision I have ever made in my life!

wishing you the best

pink hugs!

laurie6781

(((((sunnshinegirl)))))

No, it is not easy. However, you might want to contact your nearest Domestic Violence shelter and talk with them. Yes verbal abuse is also domestic violence. They will probably have some counselors that you can talk to, and can help you with your 'escape plan'.

And, you can come here as you know 24/7 and someone will respond. Also, every time you have one of those 'moments' when you start questioning yourself, picture whatever room you are in totally FULL of us folks here at SR. That is us walking with you in spirit. I know it sound hokey but it does help, honest.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

sunnshinegirl

Thank you one and all. I'm stronger because I know I'm not alone and so many of you have been so brave. I'll just do as you say and take one thing at a time, one moment at a time.

wicked

Yes, I remember this sunshinegirl.
My husband at the time (now ex) was threatening to cheat on me (abandonment was a huge issue for me, something I shared with him in therapy) if I did not give him more "intimacy". That, to him meant intercourse.
He had no idea what intimacy was, he only knew how to hurt me and manipulate me with my greatest fears.
I did not want to be alone with two children. I did not want another divorce (my 2nd).

It came down to, I would rather be alone by myself than alone with a manipulative, verbally and emotionally abusive alcoholic.
Big mama's boy managed just fine without me.
Sadly, there are more women who have not found their strength and faith in themselves and they will be with this "man". (using the term loosely).
He is deconstructing everyday. I am sad for him and his children.

Be selfish about your life. It is your life, make it your own and never allow anyone else define you!

m1k3

For me it wasn't about courage. I used to believe that I could never live without her. Then one day in the middle of one of her binges something broke and I knew I had to leave. Just that quick I started making my plans and moved out one month later.

Your friend,

lillamy

It wasn't easy. It still isn't easy. My ex is suffering from something or other (borderline narcissistic sociopath are words that have been used) that makes him feel entitled to continuing making my life hell three years after I left him.

But what it is is worth it. Because I'm free.

For me, the deciding moment was when a friend, someone who had nothing invested in my marriage, told me that the way AH was treating me and the children was ABUSE. I had thought so for a long time but talked myself out of it. Because he wasn't hitting me, I didn't feel like I could be sure it was abuse.

Hearing someone else confirm that I was right was what I needed.

peacedove

for me, it was just a sudden feeling of "i can not do this anymore. no more. no way."
like a flick of a switch but it happened. is it easy? no. is it still hard? yes. how long will i feel like i feel? i don't know.
but i don't feel like i felt when i was there. i may cry, feel sad, feel scared or confused or even lost sometimes. look at all the feelings i just listed. one thing i do not feel is unstable or unsure. that may sound impossible but here is my reasoning. my ex did not provide true stability. i did that. being with him made me have feelings of instability and worry about any number of things. all things he claimed were not real or valid but they were.
out of everything i do feel now i know i will be ok. i was ok before him and i am ok now. i am back in control even if it feels different or sad or bad for now. i am out of a bad situation that would only have gotten worse.
so no matter how i feel right now it is nothing to what it would have been like had it lasted.
when you have your "ahhh haaaa" moment you just have it and you know it. then there is no going back.

Rosiepetal

I decided I didn't want to be with an active alcoholic any longer & it wasn't healthy for me or my children.
It hurt but it was the right decision.

Lulu39

YES! That's how I felt.

I didn't leave. I made him leave. It took a long time to get him out. A few years in fact. Then a few very intense months of me counting down until I got his lazy, drunken, abusive, lying ass OUT of our home.

I wanted my kids to not spend the bulk of their teenage years living with an active drunk who also smoked drugs in front of them and bragged about it and applauded himself for being a stoner. My XAH used to lecture my kids on what an amazing drug marijuana was and how it was harmless and that if they ever wanted to smoke it he would do it with them WTF! I mean WTFF!


Who on earth says that kind of sh*t to their pre teen and teenage children? Did he WANT his own children to be drunken drug addicts? Would that have made him happy and proud?

My XAH would also fake being sick to his new job at least a few times a fortnight. I didn't want that person being a role model to my children. I didn't want my kids to think that it was OK for daddies to drink and smoke marijuana and take drugs whenever they wished and that it was normal for the mommies to cover it up and lie for the daddies and run around making everything "fake OK".

The verbal and emotional abuse I also copped was enough to send me around the twist. Let alone the lies. He would lie to me over and over and over again. One memorable lie he told me was how he managed to spend 4 hours in the supermarket. He WAS NOT at the bar! He WAS NOT drunk and how dare I accuse him of being drunk! He was actually lost in the supermarket! They had changed all the shelves around. It wasn't his fault. He was lost. Poor little lamb.

People get lost in the supermarket every day. If they have a developmental disability or perhaps dementia or they are OFF THEIR FACE on drugs and alcohol. Or lying about it

sunnshinegirl

Thank you one and all for sharing your stories. They mean so much to me and as I go through moments of self doubt, I shall pull up this thread and read about your courage.

Tryingtoletgo3

My kids were what made me say enough was enough. I have a 4 year old from a previous relationship and my ex and I have an 8 month old and I am 6 months pregnant. For the beginning of our relationship, while my ex maintained sobriety, he was the world to my 4 year old. They were inseperable. That was daddy and he was his fishing buddy and wii play mate, the man who tucked him in at night and fixed boo boos. When he started drinking again and spiraling out of control, he became angry and violent and the loving dad and husband I shared my life with became a monster that I was terrified of. Still, I held on. Now I know that I was holding on to the dream of what I felt he could be, of that short glimpse of the man I loved. One night after he became intoxicated he locked the kids and I in a bedroom and there was no getting away. He had been abusive to me many times, but this night, he turned his anger towards my 4 year old. He tried to hit him and when I got between them, he hit me in the stomache while I was pregnant. I called 911 and ended up having to take the boys out of a bedroom window to get away. Once in the car and headed for safety, my 4 year old said to me, "mommy, just go back and stop making daddy mad. Tell him you're sorry and it will calm him down." Those 2 sentences will forever be burned into my brain and they are the reason I filed for a protective order and stopped all contact. I turned my fight to keep him sober into a fight to keep him away from the kids and I and to make a better life. My 4 year old had seen enough to know the transformation of the monster and had heard enough deferrment to believe that what was going on was my fault. I knew that if we stayed, even past the physical damage, that the kids would suffer psychologically. I didnt want my sons to grow up seeing my husbands actions and feeling they were ok or justified or mommys fault. I wanted him to take responsibility and be sober, but I realized that I had failed to take responsibility for myself in the situation. I knew better. I was trained on addiction and rationalixing, minimizing, blaming, diverting.....I had become codependent and I was allowing harm to be done to my kids. Though I am heartbroken and have days where I feel that I will break from the pain, I left and I refuse to look back. When I am tempted, I hold my sons tight and repeat to myself, "I love my husband and always will, but I love my kids more!"
Good luck. I know that letting go is painful, but sometimes it is the only way. This forum is an amazing source of support and has helped me so much in working through my grief and building a stronger me. Hopefully it will be of the same benefit to you. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way!

sunnshinegirl

TryingtoLetGo, you are an amazing woman of strength. Your children are lucky to have you for their Mom.

atalose

I guess the pain of staying became more then my fear of leaving. I got up off the ground dusted the word “welcome” off my chest and began living MY LIFE.

Florence

When I realized that all the nasty patterns that I was experiencing with him were present before me, and then after I kicked him out (after the umpteenth relapse), were still present after me.

The first time we were together and he just sort of blew up his life, I was flabbergasted and confused and scared. The more I learned and looked back, and the more I started to piece together the half-truths he told me, I could see clearly that this wasn't his first time setting a bomb to his job, education, family, and relationships.

I also realize that a lot of that information was already available to me. It needed to be reinterpreted in the light. Know what I mean?

He would always quietly relapse and was excellent at hiding it. Once you discovered it and you called him on it, he would erupt in mega-drama, disappearing for days at a time, screaming matches, lots of threats. But his addiction is at a level severe enough that it's unsustainable. Living at his parents house for the last nine months, he continued to struggle, denying he'd relapsed, withdrawing to the basement, then losing his job again and checking himself into rehab for the fifth time, still denying that he'd relapsed. Finally I realized this was totally beyond me. It's way bigger than me and my hopes and dreams and feelings.

At this point I know what I need to know. The pattern of my STBXAH's self-sabotage is there, it's strong, and it's totally untenable for me and the kids to be involved in it. He's been good to me in the past, but I can't tell you how long it's been since I've felt happy or safe with him. Years. So I'm done. I miss him. But I'm done.