CentralOhioDad

So, my Inlaws are showing up at our house tomorrow night, and staying for three weeks. Which means I'll have another A in the house (AW's mother is a binger). In the 4 visits I have seen this woman since I've been married, she has gotten drunk 2 of those visits - so there's a 50/50 chance it will happen this time.

Now, when she was watching my son while Wife was in the hospital after birth, she got drunk and almost killed my son. However, my Wife said I "should forgive her and get over it." I guess alkies must stick together. I have done neither - I am carrying much resentment and despise toward the woman. Which, I know, is not healthy.

AW's Dad, is your typical milquetoast who has enabled A-MIL their whole marriage, and did nothing to try and protect my AW from any of the effects of growing up in an A-home. So, I have ZERO respect for him. Oh, and they used to send AW to her grandparent's house where the Grandfather was a full-time alcoholic, but they put her in that situation anyway. Great parenting examples, that family is.

Anyway, I have enough anxiety meds to get me through the visit, and am counting the days until they leave.

I've been praying for incredible amounts of strength, and patience.

C-OH Dad

AnvilheadII

didn't you and the kiddo have somewhere to be for the next 3 weeks??? like a nice hotel with an indoor pool and room service??? absolutely nothing about this visit sounds positive, uplifting or healthy and I just want to remind you that you have options, ok?

Bluegalangal

Are you stuck there for three weeks? That sounds like H***.

Want to come help me move?

****{hugs}}}

CentralOhioDad

That scenario sounds like HEAVEN!!!!!! Unfortunately, they are coming to see their grandson and daughter (they don't give two hoots about me - so we have that in common. Although, they put on a good show if AW is around, so she thinks my dislike of them is totally unwarranted).

I would love to go to a hotel room by myself, but then that would leave dear son exposed to that for 3 weeks, and he deserves better. Plus, with AW passing out every night and the grandparents clueless as to what to do with a child, I need to be there for his sake.

Oh, and her mother is a loud-talking, high-strung nervous-nelly who can't be quiet or sit still.

CentralOhioDad

Luckily, I have to go to work during the week. I usually take vacation time during Memorial Day week to do stuff around the house, but I'll push that back a couple of weeks until after I get my house back.

marie1960

Three weeks is a very long time to play the gracious host, somebody needs to find some phone # to the local extended stay hotels in your area.

Good grief, i feel for you

personally, I would never impose on my adult kids for that long, yikes! they would drive me nuts I would drive them nuts.........

fish and company stink after 3 days.

wicked

anvilhead (and me too) was suggesting you to go to a hotel with the baby, and keep him away from the drunks!


She could not step over my threshold. Never again.

For me, that would mean for the next 3 weeks - I would be in a PTSD nightmare that would affect my child.

Alcoholics who endanger children should not have rights to visit said children unless they are supervised and sober. NOT AT MY HOUSE!

Not her grandchild, MY CHILD.

COD, if you have to take anti anxiety meds to deal with them, what does your son get?


Okay, I am going to walk the dog, then come back and read this.
See if I should still post it.
Whew!

Oh no. You will be gone at work all day? Oh my.

wanttobehealthy

Why do they have to stay with you? I ask that sincerely...

I think given their history of dangerous behavior (FIL enabling and MIL almost killing your child) you have every right to set a limit that while a visit from them is acceptable, their living at your home during the visit is not.

You have well founded and documented reasons for your fears and harsh as this may sound, leaving your child with either your wife or MIL alone could result in harm to that child and if child protective services were ever to get involved, you could and would be as guilty as them if anything happens to your child in their care.

I was told that very bluntly by my daughters therapist last year (actually more than a year ago) and that is what it finally took for me to be done for good, to make my AH leave and to know that no matter what, my kids had to come first.

I have no doubt you are a great dad and I am sure you want to protect your kids and I just think that you need to realize that setting some firm boundaries are not just something that would be good to do but are something you must do for your kids safety.

I think that her mother staying at your house and being alone at all with your kids is a risky situation.

Suggest they stay at a hotel. You aren't obligated to have them stay at your home.

CentralOhioDad

My AW is in denial that she has a drinking poroblem, and in denial that her AM has a problem. Supposedly, after the last stunt she pulled, she attended a 2-day program and was miraculously cured of being an alkie!! Must be one helluva program. AW thinks she has the perfect set of parents. Also, all her AM has to do is pout and AW feels guilty for getting mother all upset. Manipulation at its finest!

wanttobehealthy

If your AW is passin out nightly and her mother almost killed your son, you need to get child protective services involved and not have EITHER of them with your children alone ever.

If you know they are a danger and leave your kids anyway, YOU could be held liable too if something happens.

I was told this VERY bluntly by my daughters therapist.

wicked

Exactly, then AW can go there and get drunk with them.
You and the baby would be safe at your house.

I am sorry. I am feeling helpless and getting worked up.
I am thinking of my grandchild who lives with her methadone addicted mom and alcoholic grandmother.
It terrifies me.
I am sorry for my bossy and judgmental post.
It was not about you, it was about me, my children, my grandchild and my fears.

I am very sorry COD.

Beth

CentralOhioDad

They won't be unsupervised with DS - AW is taking a vaca week next week, and even then he will be in daycare part of the time, and the rest of the visit he will be in daycare during the day. HELLNO, I would never leave him alone with them - never again.

CentralOhioDad

No need to apologize, I understand. I highly doubt that A-MIL will touch a drop while she is here - I think what she saw and felt from me last time was enough to set her straight. She would be on a plane faster than she could blink an eye, and would never, ever be allowed back in my house again. Actually, she shouldn't be allowed in my house at all, but I'm not the only one who lives there.

It's not easy, trying to balance everything. That woman does not deserve to be anywhere near my child, but like I said, my Wife is blind to the whole thing and has this fantasy that she had this happy, carefree childhood, and she is clinging to that and trying to recreate that fantasy in adulthood. It's sad, really.

wanttobehealthy

I just realized I wasn't totally accurate in my statement about child preotective services...

What I was told (and maybe my state is different than yours) is that whether I leave my kids alone or not with people who are proven unsafe with my kids, I am STILL liable for harm they could cause.

Are you worried about upsetting your wife if you were to state her parents could not stay with you?

You say that you would prefer they not stay with you but that it is not just your house.

You are the only advocate your kids have and your sense of right and wrong and safe and unsafe is much healthier than your wife's and you may need to consider whether it's worth upsetting her and not letting the in laws stay in order to be 100% sure your kids are safe.

Even if there is no physical danger, the stress and tension of 3 weeks with an alcoholic dysfunctional family is going to be awful for you and your kids...

Just think about it is all I am saying.

When I was pregnant with my D who is now 5 I set a limit that my in laws could not come to our home bc they had been nasty to me one too many times and I would not have it.

The rage and anger my AH directed at me for that was intense but I did it bc it was what was best for my D2 (at the time), my baby and I. If I had been stronger I would have left him at that time instead of waiting a few more years.

But the moral here is that I did something that was healthy and it enraged him and I survived.

You CAN say they are not allowed to stay at your house and you have that right as the parent who is responsible for your kids well being...

MsPINKAcres

((COD))

my thoughts & prayers are with you and you son ~

It is amazing how just because someone is related to a child they have the thought process that they are "entitled" to visitation and time with that child regardless of their actions, treatment of the child and unhealthy influences on the child.

It's like because they are "blood related" it erases their resonsibility for the child's welfare.

I mean no disrespect to your wife or in-laws - I just encounter this attitude often with our granddaughter and her father.
Many people and her dad seem to think we should let her go with him even tho he has no drivers' license (because of multiple DUI's), not sure about the safety of his apartment, and who knows about his state of mind or sobriety ~ but because he is her dad - she should be allowed to go spend the nite with him???

NOPE I don't think so!
an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure ~

Keep looking for all the ways you can do the "ounce of prevention" for your little one!
One day, he will greatly appreciate it!

pink hugs !

CentralOhioDad

I thank you for all your replies, support, and input.

Believe me, I will be watching that idiot like a hawk, and if there is one mis-step, it will be dealt with.

For those of you who 'know' me and my story here, you understand how protective of my son I am, and how he comes first and foremost.

We'll be okay. He will be okay. God will watch over us.

C-OH Dad

dandylion

I have got faith in you and your judgement, CentralOhioDad. Got valium?

sincerely, dandylion

wanttobehealthy

I don't doubt your judgement at all Central Ohio Dad... I doubt your AW and her mother's judgement. And I believe just as I felt, that you are 100% committed to your son and believe you can manage things in the current set of circumstances.

I just worry that you are playing with fire. You can be and probably are the most responsible parent there is-- but you can't know what your AW or her mother will do and one unpredictable act on their part could be disaster for life as you know it.

Much like an A tries to control their environment and believe they have the unmanageable under control, I think we non's try and control the unmanageable in our own way by believing we can be in all places at all times to protect our loved ones and by applying logic about how we are sure those who have behaved dangerously will NEVER again pull what they did and even if they do, that we will be there to intervene.

I hear you saying you can protect your son at all times and I hope that is true. I have no doubt you intend to and will do all you can but just sharing from my own experience... I believed all the same things as you... my kids were first, I'd allow nothing bad to happen etc... and I like every other parent with an alcoholic spouse could NOT keep my kids from harms way. Whether physical or emotional harm there IS an impact by having an A in denial, acting out (you say your AW is drinking nightly) living with you.

I saw in a post you wrote (might not have been this one but another) that you said you would leave but for your child. I think the fact that you have a child IS the reason you should leave or ask your AW to.

At the very least, the in laws should not be staying in your home and after your MIL's antics I think you have every reason in the world to say that...

I am not doubting your love for your son or committment to keeping him safe. I hope you know that... I just wanted to share my experience because I hear you saying so many things that sound familiar....

BlueSkies1

3 WEEKS?!
Ok, damage control to stress level.
Here I am feeling stress that my bossy older sis (not an A) is coming here for 3 DAYS and expects me to be her chauffer. She's already dictating from afar via email what time we are to leave to go someplace, etc.

Ok. Stress relievers.
Going to work is not normally loved, but in this case it may be heaven.

Quality time with son. Any excuse will do. Suddenly have an emergency for more coals for the grill, even if there's a full bag in the garage. Take him along if you get tense, and hit the road for an hour.

Looooong showers.

Watching kids movies. Especially ones that MIL hates. She'll leave the room.

Baseball, any activity that MIL and FIL are too old or too lazy to participate.

And if she gets nasty...start the plan B...things like Kids sleepover! All the boys in the neighborhood! Whoo hoo! Rowdy and loud as possible!
oooh...I do have an evil side.

CODAD...I'm sure you've thought up these and plenty more already. 3 weeks is too much of a relative people actually LIKE.
You deserve a break in the middle of this endless 3 weeks. I'm thinking a friend with a son...invites you to go on a mini-camping trip or something for a couple days right smack in the middle of all this. See if you can arrange a reprieve? A little sanity? Schedule it!

Florence

Three weeks is really long. Three weeks is how long my out-of-country relatives stay. One week is a long time.

I guess, remember you have options here. I read somewhere, maybe here, that when we feel stuck, like we don't have any options, we are still engaged with the madness. Disengaging from the madness is what reveals your options to you.

Here's what I'm thinking, along with what everyone else said above.
Three weeks is too long. There is no reason whatsoever this can't be modified even now.
They don't have to stay in your house.
You don't need consensus with your AW to draw boundaries around the safety of your child, re: the in-laws. You can make this decision alone.
If you're afraid to rock the boat, it's totally okay to say so. But the consequences of rocking the boat are... your son is safer longer? Someone gets really mad at you?
YOU don't have to stay in your house.
That this is an issue at all -- your son's safety, your AW's denial, your AMIL's binge drinking -- is a major red flag that really shouldn't be ignored, or dealt with my just being extra vigilant during the ...sixteen hours a day you're at home? What about the other 8 hours of the day when you're not?

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Threats and vigilance don't change other people's fundamental beliefs. What if this kind of conundrum wasn't even a factor in your life? You have that choice too.