Concerned that my GF is showing signs of a drinking problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 10
Concerned that my GF is showing signs of a drinking problem
For some quick background information...
My GF and I have been dating for 3+ years and recently moved to a new city (living together). We have always been unusually close and in the past have had very open communication. We recently from a graduated college that we attended together, so we have gone through some serious drinking years. During that period I would comfortably say that both of us were well below the average in terms of drinks consumed or troubling events resulting from drinking. However, I was always conscience of her potential for abuse because of a her family history with alcohol/drug problems (parents, sibling, countless other relatives).
Anyways, now that we are on our own in a new city as recent grads things have changed in terms of alcohol. I drink very little because of my work schedule, perhaps moderately once a week. My GF on the other hand, not just continuing the college lifestyle of somewhat regular drinking, has increased drinks per occasion and occasions per week. It is very difficult to gauge how much she is drinking because she is very dishonest about it. She may claim that she never drinks on Monday or Tuesday, but of course, she frequently does. She will say she has only had 1-2 drinks, when later I find out it was closer to 5 or 6. But if I had to make an educated (and conservative) guess, I would say she drinks 3-5 days per week, 1-2 drinks on a good day, and 5-7 drinks on a bad day (bad days happening 2-3 times per week). Sorry if that is confusing, we can say close to 20 drinks per week average. She also seems to have a problem with regulating how much she drinks. While she may originally intend to go out for a beer after work, it could be last call by the time she stumbles out of the bar. It may not be that she can't stop, it's just that she doesn't want to.
The amount of drinking is certainly worrisome, but it comes with other problems. When she drinks a lot she becomes verbally abusive. For example, in the middle of a comedy show when my friend and I asked her to be quiet (she was talking loudly and heckling), she yelled at me, so that many people could hear, "I f-ing hate you and I'm going to cut your f-ing throat." It's not always so bad, usually just picking small fights or general unpleasantness towards me, but these "big events" seem to happen more frequently than I would like to admit. The extremely mean side of her I see when she has had enough to drink is obviously a problem for me, but the drinking is starting to affect her non-social life as well. Because of either being drunk or being hungover she has started to miss certain responsibilities (late for work, not doing her share of household chores, eating properly/consistently, missing a train home, neglecting interests/goals, etc). I don't mean to make light of the situation, but I was always told that if you miss work due to alcohol and it is not the day after a National Holiday, then you have a problem. This has been going on for the last 9 or so months and it's getting worse.
When I mention anything to her about this she has the same responses. 1) I have never had a drink by myself. 2) I am young (mid twenties) and I am just having a good time. 3) Stop trying to control me, I am a fun person, this is who I am and if you don't like it you can leave. I can understand why she might rationally generate these responses. She doesn't have many people in her life (besides me, the "weird one") to compare herself against that don't also seem to struggle with drinking.
There have been short periods over the last couple years where after an incident she has said she realizes that she needs to cool off a little with the drinking and will make a plan to avoid alcohol for a while. But I don't think this has ever lasted more than a couple days. This time around she sees no issue with the way she is living her life.
I'm here asking if I am out of line for suggesting she may have a problem and thinking she needs to make a change in her life. Am I in the wrong and her responses to my concerns are accurate? Or is this plain denial and she is already working her way down a very dark road? If she does have a problem what do I do to help? I do not want to leave her. It might not seem like much, but over three years of mostly wonderful time spent together is enough motivation to help her fight through this problem for as long as it takes. She won't admit to having any problem at all. My family says that I need to leave her, to show how seriously I take this situation, and that is the best thing I can do to give her the chance to realize the effects of her drinking and that hopefully she will come back. I'm not sure that is the best answer, but I don't know of any other options. Please help.
My GF and I have been dating for 3+ years and recently moved to a new city (living together). We have always been unusually close and in the past have had very open communication. We recently from a graduated college that we attended together, so we have gone through some serious drinking years. During that period I would comfortably say that both of us were well below the average in terms of drinks consumed or troubling events resulting from drinking. However, I was always conscience of her potential for abuse because of a her family history with alcohol/drug problems (parents, sibling, countless other relatives).
Anyways, now that we are on our own in a new city as recent grads things have changed in terms of alcohol. I drink very little because of my work schedule, perhaps moderately once a week. My GF on the other hand, not just continuing the college lifestyle of somewhat regular drinking, has increased drinks per occasion and occasions per week. It is very difficult to gauge how much she is drinking because she is very dishonest about it. She may claim that she never drinks on Monday or Tuesday, but of course, she frequently does. She will say she has only had 1-2 drinks, when later I find out it was closer to 5 or 6. But if I had to make an educated (and conservative) guess, I would say she drinks 3-5 days per week, 1-2 drinks on a good day, and 5-7 drinks on a bad day (bad days happening 2-3 times per week). Sorry if that is confusing, we can say close to 20 drinks per week average. She also seems to have a problem with regulating how much she drinks. While she may originally intend to go out for a beer after work, it could be last call by the time she stumbles out of the bar. It may not be that she can't stop, it's just that she doesn't want to.
The amount of drinking is certainly worrisome, but it comes with other problems. When she drinks a lot she becomes verbally abusive. For example, in the middle of a comedy show when my friend and I asked her to be quiet (she was talking loudly and heckling), she yelled at me, so that many people could hear, "I f-ing hate you and I'm going to cut your f-ing throat." It's not always so bad, usually just picking small fights or general unpleasantness towards me, but these "big events" seem to happen more frequently than I would like to admit. The extremely mean side of her I see when she has had enough to drink is obviously a problem for me, but the drinking is starting to affect her non-social life as well. Because of either being drunk or being hungover she has started to miss certain responsibilities (late for work, not doing her share of household chores, eating properly/consistently, missing a train home, neglecting interests/goals, etc). I don't mean to make light of the situation, but I was always told that if you miss work due to alcohol and it is not the day after a National Holiday, then you have a problem. This has been going on for the last 9 or so months and it's getting worse.
When I mention anything to her about this she has the same responses. 1) I have never had a drink by myself. 2) I am young (mid twenties) and I am just having a good time. 3) Stop trying to control me, I am a fun person, this is who I am and if you don't like it you can leave. I can understand why she might rationally generate these responses. She doesn't have many people in her life (besides me, the "weird one") to compare herself against that don't also seem to struggle with drinking.
There have been short periods over the last couple years where after an incident she has said she realizes that she needs to cool off a little with the drinking and will make a plan to avoid alcohol for a while. But I don't think this has ever lasted more than a couple days. This time around she sees no issue with the way she is living her life.
I'm here asking if I am out of line for suggesting she may have a problem and thinking she needs to make a change in her life. Am I in the wrong and her responses to my concerns are accurate? Or is this plain denial and she is already working her way down a very dark road? If she does have a problem what do I do to help? I do not want to leave her. It might not seem like much, but over three years of mostly wonderful time spent together is enough motivation to help her fight through this problem for as long as it takes. She won't admit to having any problem at all. My family says that I need to leave her, to show how seriously I take this situation, and that is the best thing I can do to give her the chance to realize the effects of her drinking and that hopefully she will come back. I'm not sure that is the best answer, but I don't know of any other options. Please help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
Welcome to SR mdal!
I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but you're in the right place where you'll find plenty of support and people who know what you're going though.
Having read your story, I'm thinking the following:
1. You sound exhausted. And you have every right to be. Dealing with someone's drinking on a daily basis takes its toll. You need to look after yourself, both mentally and physically - and ensure that you keep your grad job/career prospects. You won't be able to help her if you're not well yourself.
2. As the person living with her, and as her partner, you have a right to be concerned about her drinking. However, only she can determine whether or not she's an alcoholic. In a sense, she has to realise it for herself.
3. Remember the 3Cs:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
It's her responsibility to realise the impact her drinking is having. Nagging people about their drinking just causes frustration, anger and fighting.
4. He drinking (IMHO) already sounds like it's out of control. Missing work, verbal abuse, accidents (however minor) are all signs of someone who is controlled by alcohol, not vice versa.
Things you might be able to do:
1. Get educated about alcoholism, enabling, codependency, etc. The more you know about this disease the better.
2. You mention that you're 'unusually close'. Perhaps, very very gently, when she's absolutely sober, explain to her about how her drinking makes you feel. It's dangerous to suggest that she's an alcoholics, but lines like "I feel upset when you drink because your language towards me is hurtful" puts the focus on you, not her.
3. Don't make excuses/cover up her drinking. If she's late for work or can't make it in, that's her responsibility. If she makes a fool of herself at a function/event, don't apologise for her. If she doesn't clean up her messes, don't do it for her. She needs to see the consequences of her drinking.
4. Think about going to AlAnon. It will provide you with a group of people who understand what you're going through and with a forum where you can express how you're feeling honestly and truthfully.
Keep coming back here. We're all here to support you and sure our experience, strength and hope.
Wishing you the best of luck
I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but you're in the right place where you'll find plenty of support and people who know what you're going though.
Having read your story, I'm thinking the following:
1. You sound exhausted. And you have every right to be. Dealing with someone's drinking on a daily basis takes its toll. You need to look after yourself, both mentally and physically - and ensure that you keep your grad job/career prospects. You won't be able to help her if you're not well yourself.
2. As the person living with her, and as her partner, you have a right to be concerned about her drinking. However, only she can determine whether or not she's an alcoholic. In a sense, she has to realise it for herself.
3. Remember the 3Cs:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
It's her responsibility to realise the impact her drinking is having. Nagging people about their drinking just causes frustration, anger and fighting.
4. He drinking (IMHO) already sounds like it's out of control. Missing work, verbal abuse, accidents (however minor) are all signs of someone who is controlled by alcohol, not vice versa.
Things you might be able to do:
1. Get educated about alcoholism, enabling, codependency, etc. The more you know about this disease the better.
2. You mention that you're 'unusually close'. Perhaps, very very gently, when she's absolutely sober, explain to her about how her drinking makes you feel. It's dangerous to suggest that she's an alcoholics, but lines like "I feel upset when you drink because your language towards me is hurtful" puts the focus on you, not her.
3. Don't make excuses/cover up her drinking. If she's late for work or can't make it in, that's her responsibility. If she makes a fool of herself at a function/event, don't apologise for her. If she doesn't clean up her messes, don't do it for her. She needs to see the consequences of her drinking.
4. Think about going to AlAnon. It will provide you with a group of people who understand what you're going through and with a forum where you can express how you're feeling honestly and truthfully.
Keep coming back here. We're all here to support you and sure our experience, strength and hope.
Wishing you the best of luck
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
It's natural to be concerned. Also natural to want to have a discussion about your concerns. All the things you mentioned would concern a healthy person. Good tips were provided on how to make the convo about you if you decide to address it.
One question kept me solidly planted on the ground when I was(am still sometimes)most confused or letting my heart get pulled all over the place.
"What kind of life do you(I/ME)want for the long haul, the long term, the forever?"
This may or may not help anyone but me. I put it out there because so much goes in to an addict/alcoholic partner every single day. Our whole life is affected in one way or another. I mean, even our own thoughts get hijacked almost continuously from the time we wake until we go to bed. We can start out one way with the partner then slowly become something else without even realizing it is happening it can be so gradual.
You are on track having finished college, have a career and changing over from "college days" to "adult life." Congrats on that, too!
I can see where family would say exit and see what happens. I would say "do what you want but be happy with what you do. don't expect leaving or breaking up to change anything. stay on course with your life, keep your head straight and meet new people. do things with new groups. just live and enjoy and see what the future brings you."
Ummmmmm none of this is easy and I know it. Just find your question that seems most important to you and ask it to yourself. Over and over and over.
prayers
One question kept me solidly planted on the ground when I was(am still sometimes)most confused or letting my heart get pulled all over the place.
"What kind of life do you(I/ME)want for the long haul, the long term, the forever?"
This may or may not help anyone but me. I put it out there because so much goes in to an addict/alcoholic partner every single day. Our whole life is affected in one way or another. I mean, even our own thoughts get hijacked almost continuously from the time we wake until we go to bed. We can start out one way with the partner then slowly become something else without even realizing it is happening it can be so gradual.
You are on track having finished college, have a career and changing over from "college days" to "adult life." Congrats on that, too!
I can see where family would say exit and see what happens. I would say "do what you want but be happy with what you do. don't expect leaving or breaking up to change anything. stay on course with your life, keep your head straight and meet new people. do things with new groups. just live and enjoy and see what the future brings you."
Ummmmmm none of this is easy and I know it. Just find your question that seems most important to you and ask it to yourself. Over and over and over.
prayers
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
There is another thread on here posted by Onipar that may be helpful to you:
" Does my girlfriend have a problem? "
I am sorry for what you are going through - it is so disheartening when coming to this conclusion. A lot of us have been exactly where you are in questioning what is happening...It makes you feel so crazy. But if you are online looking for answers and if alcohol is causing problems, then chances are - there is a serious problem. I hope she will accept your concerns and act on them - I am glad that you found this forum - it is definitely a life-line for me and has opened my eyes to see what was going on and to know that I was not alone and that I am not crazy!
Keep asking questions and reading and posting - Al-Anon is also a wonderful support system!
" Does my girlfriend have a problem? "
I am sorry for what you are going through - it is so disheartening when coming to this conclusion. A lot of us have been exactly where you are in questioning what is happening...It makes you feel so crazy. But if you are online looking for answers and if alcohol is causing problems, then chances are - there is a serious problem. I hope she will accept your concerns and act on them - I am glad that you found this forum - it is definitely a life-line for me and has opened my eyes to see what was going on and to know that I was not alone and that I am not crazy!
Keep asking questions and reading and posting - Al-Anon is also a wonderful support system!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
My wife couldn't love me sober. I had to get sober on my own. And I had to want it for myself.
Same applies to your girlfriend. I hope your love lasts longer than her denial. Because she won't get better until she admits she has a problem.
Same applies to your girlfriend. I hope your love lasts longer than her denial. Because she won't get better until she admits she has a problem.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 55
Hi, mdal638. unhappyspouse mentioned my post, and I was here reading yours because it sounded so much like my own current experience, so I thought I'd post.
I don't feel comfortable giving "advice," as I'm just as new as you are to this, but I thought I'd just pop in and say you're not alone. Many of the concerns and questions you have are the same as my own.
I can especially relate to this: I'm slowly learning that they will say anything to continue drinking, even if it makes us feel like we are wrong, or crazy for thinking such things.
Keep reading and posting here. The people in this community have been amazing, and beyond helpful.
I don't feel comfortable giving "advice," as I'm just as new as you are to this, but I thought I'd just pop in and say you're not alone. Many of the concerns and questions you have are the same as my own.
I can especially relate to this:
Am I in the wrong and her responses to my concerns are accurate? Or is this plain denial and she is already working her way down a very dark road?
Keep reading and posting here. The people in this community have been amazing, and beyond helpful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You are not the "weird" one... She is an addict and making excuses and is defensive.
This article is one that opened my eyes to the fact that my xAH's excuses/minimizations/blame shifting etc... were not normal and were not okay and were classic alcoholic behavior.
You are young with no kids and if you want my 2 cents, do not stay waiting for her to improve. You will wake up years from now, as I have, wondering what you did with all the years that have passed and regret how long you stuck around someone who doesn't think they have a problem.
She is nasty to you, embarasses you, misses reponsiblities etc... and will drag you down with her if you stay...
Excuses Alcoholics Make
This article is one that opened my eyes to the fact that my xAH's excuses/minimizations/blame shifting etc... were not normal and were not okay and were classic alcoholic behavior.
You are young with no kids and if you want my 2 cents, do not stay waiting for her to improve. You will wake up years from now, as I have, wondering what you did with all the years that have passed and regret how long you stuck around someone who doesn't think they have a problem.
She is nasty to you, embarasses you, misses reponsiblities etc... and will drag you down with her if you stay...
Excuses Alcoholics Make
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
It sounds to me like she does have a problem.
I dealt a lot with my ex boyfriend having similar type of issues. The verbal abuse and the missing responsibilities are absolutely infuriating. Educate yourself on what a healthy relationship is vs. an unhealthy one (you can Google it)
I would start by explaining to her how her behavior makes you feel and how distressing it is for you. Most likely she will remain in denial and become very defensive. Unfortunately you can't really make anyone quit drinking, it's totally up to them.
I couldn't handle my ex's abusive behavior and we ended up breaking up. I felt the relationship caused a lot of damage to my self-esteem. Please don't let that happen to you.
I dealt a lot with my ex boyfriend having similar type of issues. The verbal abuse and the missing responsibilities are absolutely infuriating. Educate yourself on what a healthy relationship is vs. an unhealthy one (you can Google it)
I would start by explaining to her how her behavior makes you feel and how distressing it is for you. Most likely she will remain in denial and become very defensive. Unfortunately you can't really make anyone quit drinking, it's totally up to them.
I couldn't handle my ex's abusive behavior and we ended up breaking up. I felt the relationship caused a lot of damage to my self-esteem. Please don't let that happen to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 10
Thank you everyone so much for your help and advice. Your comments and other pages on this site (thank you onipar) have taught me a lot about the situation I am in. I guess I'm "glad" it was immediately obvious to everyone here that there is a serious problem with my GF. I was worried I would have to give examples of some more intense and personal horror stories. And as I have seen on here, the fact that I came to SR means there is a problem.
But now that I am no longer in denial, and am aware of what codependency truly means, I don't know the next step. I have tried so many times to gently talk to her about it and it always ends in anger and abuse (from her) even when she is sober. I am planning on having a real serious conversation tomorrow and sticking up for myself for once so that she will hopefully see how serious this problem is. But I know there is a 99% chance see won't get anything from it, and you guys all seem to agree that at that point there is nothing I can do but leave. Either way I am leaving for Florida the next day and have the ability to not return home until she moves out. But I worry that throwing her out means she will go straight to her other A friend to stay with. That combined with the fact that she will likely be an mess alone (as of now she depends on me or almost everything and knowing my fear of loneliness, has always thought I would never leave) seems to suggest that things will be a disaster and I will feel so guilty. Do I just give up now or do I stay with her as long as I can, continuing to try to show her the error in her ways, ready to catch her when she finally figures it out? Do you guys know much about the online tests that show whether or not you have a drinking problem? They ask things about drinks per week, drinking days per week, and a lot of true/false about issues related to drinking. Please help.
But now that I am no longer in denial, and am aware of what codependency truly means, I don't know the next step. I have tried so many times to gently talk to her about it and it always ends in anger and abuse (from her) even when she is sober. I am planning on having a real serious conversation tomorrow and sticking up for myself for once so that she will hopefully see how serious this problem is. But I know there is a 99% chance see won't get anything from it, and you guys all seem to agree that at that point there is nothing I can do but leave. Either way I am leaving for Florida the next day and have the ability to not return home until she moves out. But I worry that throwing her out means she will go straight to her other A friend to stay with. That combined with the fact that she will likely be an mess alone (as of now she depends on me or almost everything and knowing my fear of loneliness, has always thought I would never leave) seems to suggest that things will be a disaster and I will feel so guilty. Do I just give up now or do I stay with her as long as I can, continuing to try to show her the error in her ways, ready to catch her when she finally figures it out? Do you guys know much about the online tests that show whether or not you have a drinking problem? They ask things about drinks per week, drinking days per week, and a lot of true/false about issues related to drinking. Please help.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
The three C's first!! This is not caused by you, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
If she wants to go to her A friend then let her. You can not control where she goes or doesn't go. Right now, are you worried about being without her? About you being lonely without her? Only you can answer this. Your post above made me think so.
Being alone is not a bad thing. Is it different? Yes and thank God. It is real, it is peaceful , it is me being me and not being "worried" or "concerned" about things, events or people only having to do with the ex.
It is giving me the opportunity to work on what I need to regarding me and what and why I got in to that whoooooole situation with him to begin with.
It takes much soul searching but it is worth it.
I don't know what she does or does not think. I found out with my ex even what he told me he was thinking he wasn't really thinking at all so it was double mind games.
If she has a place she can go you already have an option in front of you to allow yourself freedom. Whether it is with an A or a non-A. In a perfect world would it be great if it were a nonA? Sure it would. But things just don't work the perfect way all the time.
If it did...none of us would be here.
Others will have to tell you about the tests and I'm sure they have a ton of wisdom to give you.
This is a tough time for you. I know it is. I remember not knowing what to do until I did.
Just try and remember you can't "save" her. You can save yourself.
If she wants to go to her A friend then let her. You can not control where she goes or doesn't go. Right now, are you worried about being without her? About you being lonely without her? Only you can answer this. Your post above made me think so.
Being alone is not a bad thing. Is it different? Yes and thank God. It is real, it is peaceful , it is me being me and not being "worried" or "concerned" about things, events or people only having to do with the ex.
It is giving me the opportunity to work on what I need to regarding me and what and why I got in to that whoooooole situation with him to begin with.
It takes much soul searching but it is worth it.
I don't know what she does or does not think. I found out with my ex even what he told me he was thinking he wasn't really thinking at all so it was double mind games.
If she has a place she can go you already have an option in front of you to allow yourself freedom. Whether it is with an A or a non-A. In a perfect world would it be great if it were a nonA? Sure it would. But things just don't work the perfect way all the time.
If it did...none of us would be here.
Others will have to tell you about the tests and I'm sure they have a ton of wisdom to give you.
This is a tough time for you. I know it is. I remember not knowing what to do until I did.
Just try and remember you can't "save" her. You can save yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 10
It's hard to accept the idea of leaving because I still feel that I may be in the wrong here. I may be completely blowing this out of proportion and if I leave I will be throwing away my dream girl because I was stubborn over a misunderstanding.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Aliso Viejo, CA
Posts: 863
Mdal638,
You've gotten some great advice here. I can only add a little. In my opinion, if it's causing problems, then it's a problem. When I was drinking, I was in complete denial to my husband and myself and totally dishonest to him about how much I drank. Every time he tried to bring up the problem, I would blow up. I wasn't ready to deal with it for a long time. I was mean to him and thought he was just trying to control me. It finally took him leaving me for me to admit I had a problem. It didn't happen right away either. I denied it even after I couldn't make it through a day without drinking. I had to hit bottom on my own. Only after a few weeks of sobriety was I able to see how bad off I really was. I got help on my own, and I begged him to come back. He did, thank goodness. Had he not come back, I would still be truly grateful to him for opening my eyes and not to continue to go along with my destructive way of living. I'm lucky that my story has a happy ending. Most aren't that lucky. Good luck to you, and focus on what your heart tells you is the right thing to do.
As far as those tests go, see if she'll take one. She may not be honest with her answers, but she might realize it in her own mind that she has a problem. I remember taking one and scoring off the charts, but refusing to tell my husband about it. It stayed with me though. Best wishes.
You've gotten some great advice here. I can only add a little. In my opinion, if it's causing problems, then it's a problem. When I was drinking, I was in complete denial to my husband and myself and totally dishonest to him about how much I drank. Every time he tried to bring up the problem, I would blow up. I wasn't ready to deal with it for a long time. I was mean to him and thought he was just trying to control me. It finally took him leaving me for me to admit I had a problem. It didn't happen right away either. I denied it even after I couldn't make it through a day without drinking. I had to hit bottom on my own. Only after a few weeks of sobriety was I able to see how bad off I really was. I got help on my own, and I begged him to come back. He did, thank goodness. Had he not come back, I would still be truly grateful to him for opening my eyes and not to continue to go along with my destructive way of living. I'm lucky that my story has a happy ending. Most aren't that lucky. Good luck to you, and focus on what your heart tells you is the right thing to do.
As far as those tests go, see if she'll take one. She may not be honest with her answers, but she might realize it in her own mind that she has a problem. I remember taking one and scoring off the charts, but refusing to tell my husband about it. It stayed with me though. Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
DREAM girls do not yell I will cut your f'ing throat in public (or private!). ask Travis Alexander, the sometime bf of Jodi Arias about that!
her drinking is out of control, you are now searching on line for help, she has threatened you for daring to address her behavior. she denies...and then complies...for a couple days. and you are doubting yourself.
please....abandon ship. I don't often suggest that, but it's time we stop letting absolutely unacceptable behavior, including abuse, be it physical, mental or verbal, EVER become OK.
her drinking is out of control, you are now searching on line for help, she has threatened you for daring to address her behavior. she denies...and then complies...for a couple days. and you are doubting yourself.
please....abandon ship. I don't often suggest that, but it's time we stop letting absolutely unacceptable behavior, including abuse, be it physical, mental or verbal, EVER become OK.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 10
Thank you anvilhead. Although your comment may be blunt (or sharp I guess), it's things like that, understanding how truly outrageous this situation is, that are allowing me to come to terms with the fact that I am in denial myself.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
"I'm here asking if I am out of line for suggesting she may have a problem..."?
No way... Mine likes to tell me she had fun with a certain celebrity in Vegas. Like I care what she did before we got together; I do care that she brings it up and seems to think it has any relevance, It is not appropriate. If her friends/family are on the same wave length; maybe an Intervention?
No way... Mine likes to tell me she had fun with a certain celebrity in Vegas. Like I care what she did before we got together; I do care that she brings it up and seems to think it has any relevance, It is not appropriate. If her friends/family are on the same wave length; maybe an Intervention?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
i looked at this again this AM. i remember feelings i had of a "comfort zone" once i had established relations with his family and he with mine. not only had we known each other as teenagers, his step mom was a teacher of mine so all these things got interwoven and a "family dynamic" was established over time. it felt good, i like the idea of family and safety and love. blah, blah and blah--who doesn't? BUT throw addiction in there and all this becomes anything but safe and stable.
you are young. there is no reason you have to think you can not break away from this with what you have described she does to you. she isn't your dream girl or you would not have ended up here. i thought i had my dream man so i went through the same thing. no one is perfect, the idea of a dream girl/guy is cute but not when it comes to addiction.
i can remember thinking i was wrong about my ex. i can remember seriously looking at what he was doing and thinking i didn't know enough to call it alcoholism or not. after all, i'm not a specialist. bottom line is this: it caused us problems. it caused him problems. IT was a problem and it never went away. it got pushed aside, another something got inserted, it came back again and on and on. he always promised and apologized. it never lasted. he covered it up and i did not know--until the day i did.
you are early in to this with her and just now discovering this is a larger problem than you thought. it will take you a certain amount of time to grasp it fully. only two things can happen--one is she quits drinking and never drinks again. the other is she will act out again towards you in some way either at home or out in public and you will have your answer then. or she may act out towards someone else. my point is alcohol will interfere somehow and it won't be a fun time after all.
it is the hardest thing in the world to accept it for what it is because it means brutal honesty and your whole world changes.
prayers
you are young. there is no reason you have to think you can not break away from this with what you have described she does to you. she isn't your dream girl or you would not have ended up here. i thought i had my dream man so i went through the same thing. no one is perfect, the idea of a dream girl/guy is cute but not when it comes to addiction.
i can remember thinking i was wrong about my ex. i can remember seriously looking at what he was doing and thinking i didn't know enough to call it alcoholism or not. after all, i'm not a specialist. bottom line is this: it caused us problems. it caused him problems. IT was a problem and it never went away. it got pushed aside, another something got inserted, it came back again and on and on. he always promised and apologized. it never lasted. he covered it up and i did not know--until the day i did.
you are early in to this with her and just now discovering this is a larger problem than you thought. it will take you a certain amount of time to grasp it fully. only two things can happen--one is she quits drinking and never drinks again. the other is she will act out again towards you in some way either at home or out in public and you will have your answer then. or she may act out towards someone else. my point is alcohol will interfere somehow and it won't be a fun time after all.
it is the hardest thing in the world to accept it for what it is because it means brutal honesty and your whole world changes.
prayers
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by mdal638 
It's hard to accept the idea of leaving because I still feel that I may be in the wrong here. I may be completely blowing this out of proportion and if I leave I will be throwing away my dream girl because I was stubborn over a misunderstanding.
Basically, I don't have much to add to the insights you've already received from others, except that I've been there.
She will not quit drinking, no matter what you say -- which should be a tremendous relief, because it means you no longer have to keep trying to talk to her about drinking. She's going to do what she's going to do, regardless. And she'll say whatever she needs to say to you, to blame you, say you're overreacting, and so on. That's what they do. They do and say whatever they have to say to keep drinking.
If/when she decides she wants to do something about it, that's her decision. To reiterate, she is not going to change her behavior because you finally figured out the magic thing to say to make her do it. They never do that. And they'll save the most hurtful things to say to you when you've got them cornered. Telling an alcoholic to stop drinking just "wastes time and annoys the pig," as we say around here. (That's the second half of a saying, "Never try to teach a pig to sing.")
The thing to keep in mind, though, is that kicking her out of the house is not going to make her stop drinking, either -- just as nothing else you do is going to make her give it up. If she wants to do something, she'll do it. If not, she won't. Splitting up, if you do it, has to be something you do for your own sanity, not in the hopes of finally getting through to her so she'll sober up. That's just control, which doesn't work.
Good luck!
T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Blunt and sharp.....
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you are so young, and just out of college....the entire world is waiting for you...I don't think you went to college to learn how to count drinks or how many days a week someone drinks....
Anvilhead has a great ability to be blunt and sharp at the same time.
There are a few here who can do that. I want to be just like them when I grow up.
mdal,
I am so glad you are here.
Only your gf knows if she has a problem or not. I am the mom of a college age girl (in recovery), and I am a recovering alcoholic who began drinking at age 16, I have to say she is on the road to a very dark place.
Your problem is there is nothing you can do for her, she has to do it herself.
Stop watching her and pay attention to you and your life.
Go to AlAnon and find out how to take care of yourself.
She is ill, but that does not excuse her behavior, she has to do something about it in order to get well.
I took every test there was about alcoholism in magazines, at doctors offices, on the internet. Never shared the results because I was an off the chart drunk. My category was always "get help immediately."
Unless your gf takes the test, and tells the truth (a near impossibility for a drunk) and then decides to do something about it, well.........
the test is worth the paper it is written on. Less than that.
You cannot love someone out of alcoholism.
You can love yourself enough to take care of you.
Please do that.
Maybe she will follow your lead, maybe not. But, either way, you get to keep your life.
Beth
Oh and here is some more sharp and blunt for ya, NO BABIES please.
Just my opinion.
Babies do not cure alcoholism either.<<<this is a fact.
Babies are born addicted, and then add more stress to an already sickly stressful situation. You did not mention babies and I do not know why I felt the need to express this. If it does not apply to you, I am sorry.
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