Amber23

This is going to read as I severely need Alanon...
I agree.
BUT.......
So "rationally" I understand he is in recovery.....I know that anything is better than him drinking. I know he is trying, I know he can't be there for me...I know its a process....I know I can't be resentful ....

BUT...

I have begged the stars for his recovery and I am so appreciative for this chance we have. But WOW I feel depressed or something...feel like the bike chain has fallen off the gears and I am struggling to get somewhere......I know all the logical reasons, but still I am stunned. I thought I was doing so well....no resentments, don't bring up the past, give him space, be supportive etc. But an off word from him and I am irate!

Today he told me I was Negative...and I snapped....as he was pontificating about hope and positivity, I was so mad.

I pay and worry about the bills....I work to make meager ends meet....it is depressing and he doesn't have to do it. My family member just died, and he was comforting.....for as long as he could stomach....

He said I was negative based on something I said about not being able to travel to my home state for various practical reasons. Well in his new stage of positivity anything is possible and we can create whatever we want......YES I agree....but seriously a month dry and he is a beacon of light!??? PULLLEEAASSEEEEE

It is insulting to feel like I have to DELETE 15 years of conditioning and reasoning based off this illness.

I am not negative but a realist....I don't want him to sugarcoat the reality of my situation and then judge me for not being hopeful enough...

I don't want just hope....or fantasy...I want stability and to be at the other side of the stress and anxiety I have suffered these last years. I don't want to keep bringing up the past...meaning a mere 35 days ago.... goodness a month dry doesn't delete a decade!! MY history...not just his he wishes to erase.....MY LIFE for 15 years that doesn't seem to exist anymore .....poof....gone.....seems like a big @$*! waste of time....

Maybe that's why I am so mad........

thanks for letting me work that out.....and yes...alanon

Seren

Hi Amber, vent away here all you need!!! We get it

And by the way, it's not exactly a 12-step principle for him to take someone else's inventory.

You deserve a way to work past all the anger and hurt for your sake, whether it's Al-Anon or counseling or something else...take good care of you!

Lulu39

You don't have to.

And in fact I don't think any reasonable person would expect you to. Even though he might be in recovery, him being a beacon of light and positivity and all the rest is just words from him. It sounds a bit like a quack. They can still quack when they are not drinking or in recovery.

wanttobehealthy

Even if he is not drinking his mind set and behavior and manipulation can still be QUITE alcoholic. From the sounds of what you write and how he is behaving I don't buy that he is actually in recovery. Is he just not drinking or is he actively in a program of recovery that deals with humility and honesty and self reflection? The last three don't sound like they are a part of his approach. Sounds like he stopped drinking and now expects life to be easy and is pointing fingers at you any chance he gets bc that's easier than dealing with his issues (for him that is)


I mean this question sincerely-- how do you know he is trying? What are his actions showing you?

Living with an alcoholic puts us on eggshells-- we don't want to "upset" them and it sure sounds to me that you are still having to live on eggshells with him. He can be pissy and negative but you have to be Mother Teresa? That's b.s. If he is in recovery then he'd understand and accept that you get to have feelings/thoughts/emotions and he needs to deal with that whether he likes them or not. Supporting him in recovery DOES NOT mean walking on eggshells. He needs to learn to live life on life's terms and it sure sounds from what you write that he is expecting life to meeting him on HIS terms.

Holier than thou pontificating and recovery don't go together.

He sounds self centered.

The bolded part sounds like magical thinking. That sounds like philosophizing-- I wonder what his PLAN is for having a positive life bc his ACTIONS don't sound at all positive.

It sounds to me like he is white knuckling it.

Do you have friends/a counselor/al anon? Not for him or to support him better but for you. Sorry to say this but he sounds like he's being a jerk and no where near recovery.

Tuffgirl

Did you know that even recovering alcoholics with years of AA under their belts will tell someone that alcoholics are the most self-centered people around?! I would laugh when jokes were made, but underneath the jokes are shreds of truth.

So let me ask if you are experiencing anything different from the way he acted when he was drunk - only now he's sober - so the words are different but the underlying sentiment is the same (he is patronizing and condescending you).

It's his EGO, honey. It's not you. He is trying to salvage his ego here. You are just as easy target. Detachment is key. Remember the old saying "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you"?!! Employ that here. And yes, focus on your own emotions and wreckage from the last 15 years.

Early sobriety is just as tough as the drunken episodes. People in AA recommend 1-3 years for the alcoholic's brain to right itself and function correctly, and for some emotional maturity to take place, if it does at all.

Keep venting, though. Gotta get that anger out of your head somehow.
Take good care,
~T

Lyssy

You are not alone (and seem to be handling it better than I). I am trying desperately to detach, but detach with love just ain't happening right now, I am tolerant at best.

I too have let AH (in recovery) have it with both barrels. There is NO walking on eggshells for me.

nothopeful1

I'm right behind you sitting in the choir. I am sick of hearing about his " clarity" and if I hear "surrender" again I will scream. My ah is on day 8 of his 3rd rehab in the past year. I just found this site last night, because I naively thought rehab would cure him. Well maybe. But his rehab will not cure the betrayal and pain I'm going through. I have to do that for myself.

tomsteve

"It is insulting to feel like I have to DELETE 15 years of conditioning and reasoning based off this illness."
just my opinion, but you could very well beconditioned to your thinking. now its time to look at yourself.
theres a chance that the feeling of depression is because you are still who you wer hwen he was drinking and he is getitng mentally and emotionally weller.

"Today he told me I was Negative...and I snapped.."
must be some truth to it or it wouldnt have bothered ya.

"Well in his new stage of positivity anything is possible and we can create whatever we want......YES I agree....but seriously a month dry and he is a beacon of light!??? PULLLEEAASSEEEEE"
tell him i said awesome on doin something that took me a lot longer to accomplish.

"I don't want just hope....or fantasy...I want stability and to be at the other side of the stress and anxiety I have suffered these last years."

well good luck with that!! this is life,toots. life throws curveballs whenever it wants. if ya want to get out of the stress and fear yer gonna have to change. sittin in the garage all day wont make ya a car. life involves trudging at times.
life really is a bed of roses!! sometimes them thorns poke.

Tamerua

I agree with you. Completely. And vent away, get to alanon and work on you now.