Does my girlfriend have a problem?

Old 05-07-2013, 10:04 AM
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Advice about my possible AGF?

Hello, everyone. This is my first post here. I have struggled with these issues in my own head for so long, I finally decided I need to talk to someone about it.

A little background first: My GF recently moved in with me (about 3-4 months ago), after having not seen her for nearly two years. During those two years, we had been broken up of course.

She has a history with suicide, depression, anxiety, and addiction/recreational use of pretty much all hard drugs. She has also admitted to having been addicted to alcohol for a period of time this past year, before moving in with me.

She was in a very bad place, and I love her, so I told her to come stay with me so she could try and get her feet back on the ground. We are dating again now, and things are mostly good. She doesn't use any drugs currently, she's on three medications (antidepressants), and she just got a full time job a couple weeks ago.

However, since she's been here there have been a number a "warning signs" that made me think she might still have an alcohol problem. I won't go into all of it, because this would be a very long post, but I will mention the most recent events.

About a week ago, my GF wanted to get some alcohol. Now, even though I have noted possible warning signs, it had been about a week since she had anything, and before that, her drinking had been pretty spread out, so I said okay.

She bought a 750ml bottle of tequila. She drank half that night, and half the next night. The day after that, she wanted to get a six pack to share with dinner. We got it, and she only had one and a half. The day after that, she bought a bottle of wine, drank the entire thing plus another beer.

At this point, I was starting to worry, but it got worse.

The day after that, we went out for what i thought was a short trip to get bagels and water. When I turned left instead of right, she became concerned and said "where are you going!?"

Turns out, she expected me to go to a different store, where a liquor store is located. She said "I didn't want to tell you earlier because I didn't want there to be 'a discussion' about it. I just wanted to get a bottle of something without having to talk about it." (This is because I had brought up her drinking a couple times before this).

She seemed agitated, and I said, "Well, we can hit a store up this way."

Everything was fine until I stopped for the bagels first. She got an edge to her voice and said, "I thought we were going to the liquor store?"

I said "we are."

She replied, "Well, they close in like 15 minutes."

I hadn't realized it was Sunday and they close early on Sundays here. I told her as much, and she became more an more frustrated, leading up to getting to the liquor store too late, and her saying, "Whatever. Let's just go home and I'll go to sleep."

We ended up going to a Red Robin where she had three doubles.

The next night she drank my three beers from days before (that I had never drank).

The day after she bought another bottle of tequila. This time, she drank half the bottle. Went to sleep in a very bad mood. Woke at 5 am, left the room, and stayed up till 7am drinking almost the rest of the bottle.

She had work at 8. She was still finishing a drink minutes before I left to drop her at work.

Okay. So at this point I was more than worried. This was not a good week, and I sat down with her to talk to her about it. I explained to her that one of the major reasons I wanted her to move in was so we could work towards getting her back on her feet, and that I was worried that I had been too weak by letting her drink so much and so often. I told her it couldn't be good for her liver on top of the other medications, and that we should "pump the brakes and maybe limit her drinking to just once or twice a week."

She listened calmly and agreed. I thought that was good.

But then today she wanted me to drop her at work early. I did, figuring she wanted to grab some breakfast at dunkin donuts. I proceeded to my place of workwhich is right down the street, picked up some essays that needed grading, then headed back home.

I spotted her walking out of the shopping complex where the liquor store is located. I stopped and parked, then went over to her. I didn't see a bottle, though I have a weird feeling she may have had one in her purse. She said she went to the CVS for cigarettes.

I wasn't sure if she bought a bottle or not, and I didn't want to accuse her of anything, so I left it at that, said I loved her, and went home.

SO that's where I am now. Worried that she has started to lie to me and hide things from me. Worried she has an alcohol problem. Worried that I'm an awful boyfriend and of absolutely NO help to her recovery because I've been weak, and let her do what she wants.

I don't know how to proceed or what to do. Do I ask her if she bought alcohol behind my back? Do I confront her yet again about this without knowing for sure? Or do I just wait and see if something happens?

It's hard enough with her other suicidal/depression problems, but adding this on top has gotten me so stressed and sad and worried.

I don't know what to do.

Thank you so much for listening.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:19 AM
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well hello and welcome! sorry for the concerns that bring you here, but glad you found us.

i admire your desire to help somebody out, get on their feet and all, but i think it's possible you got in over your head on this one! just the drinking that you described is a concern, especially for anyone on a trio of medications with her history.

it's not your fault. and it's not really your place to be the booze police or try to dictate to her when she can and cannot drink. i understand why you would express your concerns, but she is going to do what she is going to do.

what type of job does she have that she stays up all night and is drinking until going to work??? hopefully not driving bus or daycare!

take your time, read around the site, especially what we call the "stickies" at the top of each section. and please remember you are NOT responsible for her. she is. and if this arrangement is not working out, it's OK to end it.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:28 AM
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Thank you, Anvil.

She works retail, and I drive her there.

I have also worried that I got in over my head. I've thought about ending it, but that's a very hard thing to do because I know she has nowhere to go, has these depression issues, and of course I love her. Even so, it has been on my mind as of late, because I worry there is nothing I can do to actually help.

The question of when to stay the course and do what you can, and when to walk away, is a hard one. I'm not sure I know how to figure that out yet.

I've been reading through some posts, and just hearing similar stories has already helped a little. Thank you for responding.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:35 AM
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It sounds to me like she has given up the "hard drugs" for the 3 anti-depressants and alcohol.
Nothing else has changed.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:37 AM
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you probably don't need to have a final decision TODAY by 3pm - give yourself time to gather information, strength and resolve for whatever path you choose to take.

and careful of the "she has NOWHERE to go" trap...she was somewhere else before she moved in with you, she's been somewhere else in the 2 years you were broke up, and she will be most definitely be somewhere in the future! you are not the only haven.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:38 AM
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Hi Onipar- sorry for your current state. This is a great forum for support.

From what you have described, she has a drinking problem. From an outsiders point of view, here are the red flags:
1) She appears to drink mostly every night. 1/2 bottle of tequila is not like a glass of wine.
2) Her mood seems to be dictated by alcohol (if she doesn't get her drink on, she will just go to bed)
3) It is not "normal" to drink before work.

If you keep reading here, there are som common messages:
1) You did not cause it
2) You cannot control it
3) You cannot cure it

Unless something changes, things will get worse. Not only for her, but also for you.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:50 AM
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Welcome onipar,
Sorry you are here, but you're in the right place.

I can only echo what Anvil says, having lived with a using A myself for a long time, I can tell you this is NOT an easy road, and not one I think I would do again if I could go back in time.

As Anvil says, you cannot control her behavior, and from personal experience, trying to monitor or control her drinking will only lead to deception, lying, and more misery. Bottom line is, until SHE decides she has a problem and wants help, there is little you can do to get her to stop. Even then, it can still be very difficult. Helping others is certainly a virtue, but be very careful, many of the "helpful" behaviors actually can make the addiction worse - it allows the behavior to continue, and just makes the helper unhappy. Please be careful about enabling her or sinking into codependency yourself, it is terribly easy to do (ask me how I know).

Naturally, reading more on this site and getting yourself to Alanon is the best course of action. Only you can decide what you want to do, and there are no easy answers or quick-fix recipes. There are those who will tell you that your relationship is so young, it would be best to get away from her, and I cannot say I disagree with that.

I will tell you this - even if she were to admit she needs help and gets into recovery TODAY, this is something that will consume a great deal of your physical, mental, and emotional energy for the next several YEARS, if not the rest of your life together. If you at all question whether you are willing to make her (and your) recovery the principal focus of your life for the foreseeable future, I would seriously consider backing away from the relationship immediately. And that's if she wants help! If she continues to use, or tries to placate you by "cutting back" but not embracing sobriety, I would be willing to bet it will get much, much worse before it gets any better.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:51 AM
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Thank you all for the responses. You are giving me some new perspective on this, which is what I needed.

I'm definitely going to take time and think about this, as Anvil has suggested. As I indicated earlier, things are mostly good. We enjoy each other's company, hang out a lot, have a good sex life, and are supportive of one another. At this point, there are FAR more good things to say than bad.

I guess I just can't help but glimpse the future sometimes, and like Crazed said, when I do this, I can only see things getting worse. It is this, plus the sting of possible lies and deceit that worry me.

So when it comes to when and how much she drinks, is it really best I say nothing?

Again, thank you all so, so much. I needed this.

EDIT: Thank you jmartin. All very good advice.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by onipar View Post
So when it comes to when and how much she drinks, is it really best I say nothing?
Certainly say nothing while she is drinking, that is completely counterproductive.

When she is sober, I think it is totally fair to express your concern that she drinking to the point of making you uneasy or concerned for her health. But keep it in the realm of how it makes YOU feel, not what you think she should or should not be doing.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:57 AM
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And in response to jmartin, I'm not sure she's even ready to admit anything anyway. Any time we've talked about it, she has had plenty of justifications and excuses as to why it's not a problem. Everything from "This is just your view of how someone is supposed to drink," to "It just takes me more to get a buzz because I have a high tolerance," to "I just feel like having a cocktail to wind down after work."

So yeah, I don't see her admitting she has a problem. She most definitely does not think she does.

Okay, good advice. I'll try to stay away from telling her what to do. The only reason I gave her that "1-2 drinks per week " guideline is because she told me to tell her exactly what I wanted. I was hesitant, but she pushed it...
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:19 AM
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Honestly, my serious advice. You did ask.

Tell her that she needs to go to a treatment facility for addictions and depression issues, not live in your house. Agree to drive her there, and nowhere else.

You have a gf that has suicidal issues. She is drinking in your home, on top of 3 different anti-depressants, which could easily cause her to overdose, possibly even death.
You are enabling her why? Because you are getting what you want out of the relationship.
The best way to help her would be to not help her at all, because it's not help, it's enabling, and a trade-off, for what you want out of the relationship. In regards to her life, and her life alone, you are helping yes--to postpone her getting well.
I'm sorry if that stings.
Help is what professionals can give her. Help is what she will seek if she found rock bottom. She's a ticking time-bomb.
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:25 AM
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I'm sorry if I sound ignorant, but what are examples of such treatment facilities? Like rehab, or a hospital? And do they require health insurance, because she is on the verge of having none, and I don't have any insurance either.

She has been admitted to psych wards a couple times after suicide attempts, but they basically kick her out after a week or so.

I do know she is resistant to the idea of going into a facility for an extended stay, which I guess is to be expected...

Thank you for your advice. It does sting, but I guess it also rings true.
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by onipar View Post
I guess I just can't help but glimpse the future sometimes, and like Crazed said, when I do this, I can only see things getting worse. It is this, plus the sting of possible lies and deceit that worry me.
"Possible" lies and deception? Sounds as if this is already taking place--and it will not get better, as you astutely note.

There is nothing to compare w/the sinking feeling in your stomach when you finally start to realize how many, many, many lies you have heard over the years, how much of your life has been based on what turned out to be deception, and how all the "good" things you did have been used and abused, leaving you wounded and betrayed.

Please, don't go there. Continue to read and learn here. Check out several different Alanon meetings. You cannot help her, only slow her down from her learning process. What you CAN do is protect and educate yourself. Please do.

Wishing you well.
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:35 AM
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My issue is reading too much here today. Story after story of how seriously some of these people need help, and how enablers are the way they avoid it and stay addicts.

So I came on very strong. Too many sad stories and my hard side came out.

Yes she needs a treatment facility, and I wish I knew all the answers there, and I don't. You can't even make her go into one if she doesn't want to, and yes, she very much needs long-term.

I was expressing what I wish all enablers would do--kick addicts out. Stop enabling. But no story is all black and white. It was my frustration. Is it ideal to kick them all out? Yes.
And then we get into the tough part of it, even if they want to go...insurance, for example. Funding. That very serious issue of who is going to pay for all this.

I'm sure some other people will come along with more advice. I need to log off, I've been here too much today, and I don't know if I am thinking clearly any longer.
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:43 AM
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Yep, we give away to much FREE RENT in our minds for our alcoholics!
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:49 PM
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Thanks to all responding once again. I'm hearing some hard truths here today, but these are things that need to be said, and things I need to learn. I don't think that I'll be able to help her (by convincing her to get more serious treatment). She has already voiced her aggressive opposition to this in the past (regarding her metal health, not alcohol).

So if I ended things, I'm about 95% sure she'd simply find a friend to move in with rather than seek out help.

I don't know, I'm absorbing all of this, reading more on this site, and considering going to an alanon meeting. So I hope I'm at least headed in the right direction, and at the very least, not doing any immediate damage.
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Old 05-07-2013, 12:53 PM
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Onipar, I think you are doing tremendously well, considering the load of crap you have suddenly been hit with and are trying to absorb! Pat yourself on the back for keeping that even keel and open mind. It's a lot, and it's tough.

I hope you do go to an Alanon meeting and that you do find some help there; it can really help to lighten that load, especially in the early days.

Wishing you well.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:29 PM
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The best way to help her would be to not help her at all, because it's not help, it's enabling, and a trade-off, for what you want out of the relationship. In regards to her life, and her life alone, you are helping yes--to postpone her getting well.
This is so true. While living with an active alcoholic, there is the concept of "Loving someone to death." This equates to never letting them feel the true consequences of their actions- always giving them a soft place to land when they screw up.

Any time we've talked about it, she has had plenty of justifications and excuses as to why it's not a problem. Everything from "This is just your view of how someone is supposed to drink," to "It just takes me more to get a buzz because I have a high tolerance," to "I just feel like having a cocktail to wind down after work."
This is called rationalization and justification. Until she realizes and admits she has a problem, in her head she thinks that she can drink like a "normal" person (non-alcoholic).

You will most likely soon see the lying- she will diminish or minimize how much she drinks.

Then you may see manipulation- You will start to feel sorry for her, and perhaps think you are the cause. She will readily allow you to feel this.

Another saying:
"Alcoholics do not have relationships. They take hostages."

So I've spoken enough about her, now what about you? Be careful of falling into your own trap of minimizing how much she drinks, wondering if she is an alcoholic, and thinking you have any control over it. You do not. You cannot bargain, reason, cajole, manipulate, etc. And she cannot try to "cut back." It doesn't work that way for alcoholics.

There is a book called "Getting Them Sober," which is a pretty easy read. When I read it, I realized that about 90% of the things that I was doing to "help" my EXAG stop drinking actually helped keep her sick. And I tried for 13 years.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:47 PM
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So if I ended things, I'm about 95% sure she'd simply find a friend to move in with rather than seek out help.
Maybe. And if you did, it would be exactly what both of you needed.

Read the stickies at the top of the forum. This one is my favorite and helped me the most.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 05-07-2013, 02:03 PM
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Crazed, You're right. There's already a part of my mind creeping in, trying to ignore all of this as if it was not a problem, because it's hard to admit I may have to end things. I'll take a look at that book, thank you.

Florence, Maybe you're right.. I'll take a look at this sticky.

Many of the responses seem to suggest that cutting ties/ending the relationship/telling her to get help is the way to go. I'm wondering, are there any instances where staying together would work? I feel like I know what many will say to this, but I had to ask.
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