Does my girlfriend have a problem?
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It is up to you if you stay together or go separate ways. Being here not only indicates you wanted more knowledge but also there are issues on your mind. One thing to definitely keep in mind is what uneasiness brought you here. Now you are here. Now you are reading and seeing the pain, the suffering, the ups and downs, the confusion, the true life stories of addictions/alcoholism and the damage done.
It is good you are here. My guess(and it's only a guess)is your gut is telling you one thing like "end this" but your heart doesn't want to. Taking responsibility where you can not.
Believe what she is showing you. Believe what you feel when you see it. Believe it is a lifetime of challenge you will commit yourself to if you want to. She is in charge of her self and you can not save her. You can not police her. You can not negotiate with her. You can accept her for who she is if you want to. Anything else would be trying to change who she is and who she wants to be.
If you know what you want from your own life then you will have the answer. Only you know what makes you truly happy.
It is good you are here. My guess(and it's only a guess)is your gut is telling you one thing like "end this" but your heart doesn't want to. Taking responsibility where you can not.
Believe what she is showing you. Believe what you feel when you see it. Believe it is a lifetime of challenge you will commit yourself to if you want to. She is in charge of her self and you can not save her. You can not police her. You can not negotiate with her. You can accept her for who she is if you want to. Anything else would be trying to change who she is and who she wants to be.
If you know what you want from your own life then you will have the answer. Only you know what makes you truly happy.
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sure it CAN work...if....and here's the BIG IF....if you can either be ok with her NOT changing and still stay balanced and centered and not take what she does personally or allow it to wreck your world OR if she is fully committed to getting the help she needs and taking her mental, emotional and physical health seriously and you can remain on an even keel.
thing is, this isn't JUST about drinking....and thus just NOT drinking is not the whole solution. her condition would benefit immensely from ongoing counseling to deal with issues past and present, and continued monitoring of her anti-D meds (which as i understand often need to be adjusted over time as some meds lose efficacy over time) and of course a healthy dose of a drug/alcohol recovery program. she kinda needs a team more than one caring boyfriend....and it's far too easy to fall into the role of savior/rescuer/therapist/addiction specialist/parent/booze police/etc.
thing is, this isn't JUST about drinking....and thus just NOT drinking is not the whole solution. her condition would benefit immensely from ongoing counseling to deal with issues past and present, and continued monitoring of her anti-D meds (which as i understand often need to be adjusted over time as some meds lose efficacy over time) and of course a healthy dose of a drug/alcohol recovery program. she kinda needs a team more than one caring boyfriend....and it's far too easy to fall into the role of savior/rescuer/therapist/addiction specialist/parent/booze police/etc.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Thank you both for the understanding comments. You're both, of course, right. I am so, so glad I found this site, and so appreciative of the support and information you've given me. This is a struggle, and not one I'm sure I know "exactly" how to deal with yet.
I guess that's normal. I know part of it is fear and unwillingness to let go, but there is also a large part of me that just wants to do this "the right way," and for that, i need to read more, and attend some meetings, etc.
My worst fear is that if I end things and/or tell her to get help in the "wrong way," she might take it out on herself in a physical way.
I guess that's normal. I know part of it is fear and unwillingness to let go, but there is also a large part of me that just wants to do this "the right way," and for that, i need to read more, and attend some meetings, etc.
My worst fear is that if I end things and/or tell her to get help in the "wrong way," she might take it out on herself in a physical way.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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My worst fear is that if I end things and/or tell her to get help in the "wrong way," she might take it out on herself in a physical way.
If she chooses to hurt herself, it is her choice and only her choice. It is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. Put bluntly, it is her problem, not yours.
But I do understand your dilemma, and your feeling of responsibility toward her health and well being. I have been there (and am still there). It is because you have compassion and are a good guy. Alcoholics know this, and will exploit it in any way they can to keep drinking.
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Just a little update. When my GF got off work, I tried my best to act normal. Everything was fine, but then she said something about wanting to spend the night doing a "spa day" in the bathroom to get ready for work in the next day. To me, this was just another hint that she may actually have bought some liquor behind my back (see first post).
So, rather than accuse her of anything, I simply said something along the lines of "I was wrong the other day to try and impose guidelines on your drinking. I can't police you or change you, only you can change, and only you can admit there's a problem" (Something like that anyway).
This spurred a small discussion, and I finally asked her straight out if she lied to me and bought liquor before work, when i saw her walking out of the shopping complex.
She said yes, she did. So I guess I'm not crazy.
Of course she said she did this because she knows I have a problem with her drinking, and she thought it was better to just hide it rather than make me feel bad by seeing her drink. To which I of course said it's worse to lie, and that makes me feel worse.
She still insists there is no problem.
She did at one point say, "so what are you saying? Do you want me to leave? To go to rehab?"
With this, I completely failed. I was surprised by it, and didn't know what to say. I guess that was my opening to say "YES!" but I failed. EDIT: Well, actually, I did say "I can't tell you to go, you have to want to go because you believe there's a problem."
So, rather than accuse her of anything, I simply said something along the lines of "I was wrong the other day to try and impose guidelines on your drinking. I can't police you or change you, only you can change, and only you can admit there's a problem" (Something like that anyway).
This spurred a small discussion, and I finally asked her straight out if she lied to me and bought liquor before work, when i saw her walking out of the shopping complex.
She said yes, she did. So I guess I'm not crazy.
Of course she said she did this because she knows I have a problem with her drinking, and she thought it was better to just hide it rather than make me feel bad by seeing her drink. To which I of course said it's worse to lie, and that makes me feel worse.
She still insists there is no problem.
She did at one point say, "so what are you saying? Do you want me to leave? To go to rehab?"
With this, I completely failed. I was surprised by it, and didn't know what to say. I guess that was my opening to say "YES!" but I failed. EDIT: Well, actually, I did say "I can't tell you to go, you have to want to go because you believe there's a problem."
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common to think and feel like one might be crazy. you will read here how often it happens. she told you the truth and now you know it is, for sure, a problem. your answer to the rehab question was good. she has to want it and do it. meanwhile, focus on you and what you want for you. she may never go to rehab or maybe she will. never know. when addiction is in your own home it is hard to predict what the next scenario will or won't be. manipulation tactics are constant so when in it sometimes it gets very, very confusing. i remember it well. getting away gave me clarity and even today i am still learning and becoming clearer. the best thing for me is finally having some real peace inside myself. i had this before i met my ex but lost it while in the midst of being with him. it is hard work every day on my part to get back to me and also work on the weaknesses taking me down that path with him to begin with. BUT this is nothing compared to living a lie, the chaos, the confusion and uncertainty when i was with him.
i hope you are able to find whatever it is you need in your situation, too. everything here you can read is helpful and asking things gets good input from others.
prayers
i hope you are able to find whatever it is you need in your situation, too. everything here you can read is helpful and asking things gets good input from others.
prayers
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There are so many excellent points already-- I just wanted to say this as it was the first thing that came to mind...
When we (you or I or any of us here with A loved ones) reach the point of coming to a site like this and asking the question "is there a problem?" I think that we already know the answer.
The support and comraderie and shared experiences I have found here have been the ONLY way I've been able to leave my AH and move forward.
I came here hoping for a solution to make my marriage work and asked questions looking for answers to make it all make sense.
I didn't get the answers I was looking for or the solutions I thought I wanted but what I did get has created infinitely more health for my D's and I than staying with my AH would have given.
When we (you or I or any of us here with A loved ones) reach the point of coming to a site like this and asking the question "is there a problem?" I think that we already know the answer.
The support and comraderie and shared experiences I have found here have been the ONLY way I've been able to leave my AH and move forward.
I came here hoping for a solution to make my marriage work and asked questions looking for answers to make it all make sense.
I didn't get the answers I was looking for or the solutions I thought I wanted but what I did get has created infinitely more health for my D's and I than staying with my AH would have given.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Thank you both so much.
I feel like we did take a step forward in the sense that I finally let her know that I *do* think she has a problem. Before this point, when we discussed her drinking, I always shied away from the "a" word and said it seemed more like a "problem controlling her impulses" (because she can act similarly when she, say, wants ice cream or a particular type of makeup, for instance).
I am trying to focus on my own life too, in the midst of all this. I'm an adjunct English professor at a community college, and I need to get another degree to become full time. I've been considering finally applying to go get my next degree. If I do this, I'd probably have to move, and it would certainly be a turning point/moment of truth for our relationship.
I feel like we did take a step forward in the sense that I finally let her know that I *do* think she has a problem. Before this point, when we discussed her drinking, I always shied away from the "a" word and said it seemed more like a "problem controlling her impulses" (because she can act similarly when she, say, wants ice cream or a particular type of makeup, for instance).
I am trying to focus on my own life too, in the midst of all this. I'm an adjunct English professor at a community college, and I need to get another degree to become full time. I've been considering finally applying to go get my next degree. If I do this, I'd probably have to move, and it would certainly be a turning point/moment of truth for our relationship.
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy 
There are so many excellent points already-- I just wanted to say this as it was the first thing that came to mind...
When we (you or I or any of us here with A loved ones) reach the point of coming to a site like this and asking the question "is there a problem?" I think that we already know the answer.
The support and comraderie and shared experiences I have found here have been the ONLY way I've been able to leave my AH and move forward.
I came here hoping for a solution to make my marriage work and asked questions looking for answers to make it all make sense.
I didn't get the answers I was looking for or the solutions I thought I wanted but what I did get has created infinitely more health for my D's and I than staying with my AH would have given.
When we (you or I or any of us here with A loved ones) reach the point of coming to a site like this and asking the question "is there a problem?" I think that we already know the answer.
The support and comraderie and shared experiences I have found here have been the ONLY way I've been able to leave my AH and move forward.
I came here hoping for a solution to make my marriage work and asked questions looking for answers to make it all make sense.
I didn't get the answers I was looking for or the solutions I thought I wanted but what I did get has created infinitely more health for my D's and I than staying with my AH would have given.
I was trying to deny it, and hoping people would say "Oh, no, that's not a problem. She's not *really* an A," so I could carry on as I had been.That's not what happened though, like you noted. And the solutions and advice here are really helping me.
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I wasn't meaning to sound snide and say "oh you already know"... I hope it didn't come off that way... I too came here wanting to be told what my AH was telling me "you're over reacting, it's not that bad, it's normal, it's okay, here's a simple fix".
Sometimes alcoholics aren't the only ones with magical thinking!
Sometimes alcoholics aren't the only ones with magical thinking!
Originally Posted by onipar
Yes, you're right. After typing my first post, I actually tried to go back and change the title because I realized (only after telling my story), that I did indeed already know. I was trying to deny it, and hoping people would say "Oh, no, that's not a problem. She's not *really* an A," so I could carry on as I had been.
That's not what happened though, like you noted. And the solutions and advice here are really helping me.
I was trying to deny it, and hoping people would say "Oh, no, that's not a problem. She's not *really* an A," so I could carry on as I had been.That's not what happened though, like you noted. And the solutions and advice here are really helping me.
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always place your education plans for yourself in top priority. you want and need this to be FT? pursue it actively. don't get bogged down in the "what if?" world of her. it's hard when you care for someone with troubles. but those troubles are not your troubles. they are hers and hers alone. taking too much responsibility for her in your mind and heart will backfire.
keep your eye on the ball. enroll and go for it. you haven't been in this with her too long if i remember, right? if i'm wrong forgive me.
making decisions like furthering your education can change your life forever in a positive way. always take care of you. she's grown. she can and will do for herself. really, she will.
keep your eye on the ball. enroll and go for it. you haven't been in this with her too long if i remember, right? if i'm wrong forgive me.
making decisions like furthering your education can change your life forever in a positive way. always take care of you. she's grown. she can and will do for herself. really, she will.
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
I wasn't meaning to sound snide and say "oh you already know"... I hope it didn't come off that way... I too came here wanting to be told what my AH was telling me "you're over reacting, it's not that bad, it's normal, it's okay, here's a simple fix".
Sometimes alcoholics aren't the only ones with magical thinking!
Sometimes alcoholics aren't the only ones with magical thinking!
peacedove, absolutely. I'm reaching a point in my life where I need to move forward, or else I'll stagnate. Getting my next degree is the way forward.
No, we haven't been together very long, though it sometimes feels like we have. I had known her for a while before we dated, and then we dated for about 8-9 months (2009-2010) before breaking up. There were no hard feelings. It was a friendly parting of ways. We didn't speak for over a year, then last year she started to call now and then to catch up. She had a few crises during this time (and before it as well).
There came a point where she had nowhere to go. I wasn't comfortable having her come here, and she found a friend to stay with. That lasted a few months, but things weren't working out, so I told her she could come here.
That was in February of this year. We basically fell right back into a relationship the moment she arrived. So this time around it has been I guess 3-4 months.
But you can see how it might feel like a lot longer. All said and done, I've "known" her for...what...maybe 6 or 7 years.
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Observation if I may?
Sounds to me like you (just like me) are in the business of saving people.
Your girlfriend is someone who reconnected with you bc she needed something-- she had a few crises, had no where to go, and you fell back into a relationship.
I am sure there is a connection of course but has she offered you an equal amt of support and companionship as you have given her?
Sounds like you are there to support as a good co dependent does (says the queen of codie land!).
My whole identity with my xAH was that I was the caring, loving, compassionate one who cared... That was who I was. Not someone who got anything in return, not someone who had talents other than compassion to give. My entire identity was worrying about and caring about him. Insanity.
Not saying that's you. Just wondering if you have ever thought about what she offered/offers you in the relationship bc it sounds pretty one sided...
Sounds to me like you (just like me) are in the business of saving people.
Your girlfriend is someone who reconnected with you bc she needed something-- she had a few crises, had no where to go, and you fell back into a relationship.
I am sure there is a connection of course but has she offered you an equal amt of support and companionship as you have given her?
Sounds like you are there to support as a good co dependent does (says the queen of codie land!).
My whole identity with my xAH was that I was the caring, loving, compassionate one who cared... That was who I was. Not someone who got anything in return, not someone who had talents other than compassion to give. My entire identity was worrying about and caring about him. Insanity.
Not saying that's you. Just wondering if you have ever thought about what she offered/offers you in the relationship bc it sounds pretty one sided...
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Here are two fantastic articles that are part of a larger website. These opened my eyes to the disease and the fact that my experience was not unique and neither was my xAH and that made me able to leave... eventually...
Maybe they will be of some support to you too...
Read down a bit in the first one to get to the heart of it...
Excuses Alcoholics Make
And these too are excellent
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Maybe they will be of some support to you too...
Read down a bit in the first one to get to the heart of it...
Excuses Alcoholics Make
And these too are excellent
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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yes, you have known her but i think now you KNOW her. you mentioned things not working out with a previous living situation she had, other things happening in her life, you previously dated her then stopped then felt she needed a place and now here you are.
well, i'm not positive, but she has a lot going on with her. all the signs of chaos are there. now it's in your home with you. you've seen here how things progressively get worse. sounds like what is happening with her. when you knew her before she was in a different place. where she is now is very real. her telling you the truth about her buying the alcohol wasn't necessarily some big step toward anything. mine admitted to things to make me think so but all it really did was pacify me at the moment then he continued on. gosh, it was always something but in hindsight he knew what to say and when to say it. he played my "niceness", my "caring" and my "giving." she's living with you so she has reasons to do so as well. just my opinion. want you to become real aware of how great the manipulation can be and how far it can be taken at all times.
good for being inclined to move forward and not stagnate. also ask yourself
"what am i getting from this relationship with her?"
well, i'm not positive, but she has a lot going on with her. all the signs of chaos are there. now it's in your home with you. you've seen here how things progressively get worse. sounds like what is happening with her. when you knew her before she was in a different place. where she is now is very real. her telling you the truth about her buying the alcohol wasn't necessarily some big step toward anything. mine admitted to things to make me think so but all it really did was pacify me at the moment then he continued on. gosh, it was always something but in hindsight he knew what to say and when to say it. he played my "niceness", my "caring" and my "giving." she's living with you so she has reasons to do so as well. just my opinion. want you to become real aware of how great the manipulation can be and how far it can be taken at all times.
good for being inclined to move forward and not stagnate. also ask yourself
"what am i getting from this relationship with her?"
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wanttobehealthy, thank you! I will read through those links you posted. You're not too far off about my desire to "save" her. I can see now that "saving" a person isn't something I can do.
peacedove, absolutely. Things are certainly much more "real" now. I should have noted that many of these past crises were not alcohol related (she has depression issues as I've noted). I'm not making excuses,just noting it.
Or am I? I can already feel the need to defend her sprouting up. Especially with your last question. She can actually be a very supportive and loving. For instance, I'm out of work for the summer (as a teacher, no classes to teach!), and she insisted that I don't look for work so I can write over the summer (I'm also a writer), and that she would support us financially with her new job for the summer. Partly because she wants me to have time to write, and partly because I had supported her financially for a couple months.
So again, I don't know. Is this all manipulation? Is it that she figures she can do whatever she wants so long as she is bringing in the money? Or is it real love and support? I find myself questioning it now after the reading I've been doing, but I want to believe there is that good in her.
peacedove, absolutely. Things are certainly much more "real" now. I should have noted that many of these past crises were not alcohol related (she has depression issues as I've noted). I'm not making excuses,just noting it.
Or am I? I can already feel the need to defend her sprouting up. Especially with your last question. She can actually be a very supportive and loving. For instance, I'm out of work for the summer (as a teacher, no classes to teach!), and she insisted that I don't look for work so I can write over the summer (I'm also a writer), and that she would support us financially with her new job for the summer. Partly because she wants me to have time to write, and partly because I had supported her financially for a couple months.
So again, I don't know. Is this all manipulation? Is it that she figures she can do whatever she wants so long as she is bringing in the money? Or is it real love and support? I find myself questioning it now after the reading I've been doing, but I want to believe there is that good in her.
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Onipar, don't be hard on yourself. You are in a difficult situation and facing some difficult stuff, and working on dealing with it. Coming here was a great idea. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope in this forum and on this thread. We have all felt these things in some way or another. Lots of wisdom in this thread.
My alcoholic is my father. If he didn't have any good qualities, or if we didn't have many good memories, or if he hadn't been there for me time and time again, it would be easy to distance myself from him. In reality, I love him, am angry with him, feel sorry for him, am disappointed with him. But I reached a point where I was tired of going insane to maintain his comfort in our relationship and in his addiction.
Keep posting, reading and learning. Stay honest with yourself. Take care of yourself. Consider al-anon. This stuff isn't easy but you are not alone.
My alcoholic is my father. If he didn't have any good qualities, or if we didn't have many good memories, or if he hadn't been there for me time and time again, it would be easy to distance myself from him. In reality, I love him, am angry with him, feel sorry for him, am disappointed with him. But I reached a point where I was tired of going insane to maintain his comfort in our relationship and in his addiction.
Keep posting, reading and learning. Stay honest with yourself. Take care of yourself. Consider al-anon. This stuff isn't easy but you are not alone.
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You have every right to be concerned. Someone who is on medications for depression should absolutely not be drinking, it will definitely interfere with them getting better.
I am sure you love her but this is not your problem, she needs professional help and furthermore what about your own mental health? I know first hand the anxiety and stress that comes from worrying about an active A., not to mention the havoc they wreak upon your life by being generally moody and miserable. Can you really live like this for the rest of your life?
I am sure you love her but this is not your problem, she needs professional help and furthermore what about your own mental health? I know first hand the anxiety and stress that comes from worrying about an active A., not to mention the havoc they wreak upon your life by being generally moody and miserable. Can you really live like this for the rest of your life?
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