Finished Rehab...
Need hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 7
Finished Rehab...
Hubby of 20 years was in hospital for 5 days going through detox. Then went to rehab for 28 days, discharged Friday morning. Saturday went to AA and did some shopping. Monday he got drunk.
I'm scared, angry and hopeless. I don't know what I should do or say. I just don't know where to turn. Should I call the counselor that worked with him at rehab? Should I sit back and let it happen? I am utterly lost and confused.
Yes, I've research Al-Anon. In my area, lunch time meetings are not offered. Evening meetings start really late.
I feel so alone.
I'm scared, angry and hopeless. I don't know what I should do or say. I just don't know where to turn. Should I call the counselor that worked with him at rehab? Should I sit back and let it happen? I am utterly lost and confused.
Yes, I've research Al-Anon. In my area, lunch time meetings are not offered. Evening meetings start really late.
I feel so alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Omaha, NE
Posts: 87
Im sorry you are going thru this. I am an alcoholic (sober). Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful! He is not ready and just has not hit his rock bottom yet.
Everyone has their own bottom. Take care of yourself girl and reach out to others....Go to an al-anon....late or not. Dont make excuses and get the help you will need to get thru this. Goodluck and keep reaching out.
Everyone has their own bottom. Take care of yourself girl and reach out to others....Go to an al-anon....late or not. Dont make excuses and get the help you will need to get thru this. Goodluck and keep reaching out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I am soooo sorry. I remember that sick nauseating despondent feeling when my BF would relapse. Ugh.
Go to that evening AlAnon meeting. Commit to one late evening a week. You will not be alone. My meetings are late (for me) too, but it's SO worth it I don't mind. You can't do anything about the fact he made the choice to drink, but you can decide what's right for you.
(((hugs)))
Go to that evening AlAnon meeting. Commit to one late evening a week. You will not be alone. My meetings are late (for me) too, but it's SO worth it I don't mind. You can't do anything about the fact he made the choice to drink, but you can decide what's right for you.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
He realizes completely what he has just done--relapsed. He is not in the dark about this. The counselor at rehab doesn't control him. Sit back and watch it happen--as far as what he chooses to do, what other choice do you have? If you can hogtie him in the basement to a post then maybe you stand a chance of forcing sobriety...but you'd be breaking the law that says we are not allowed to control other people in this way.
You can't control his decision to drink here.
Now what are you going to do for you?
That is one simple sounding question, with countless hours of thinking to find the answers, and potentially years to create outcomes.
I am sorry to hear that he chose to drink.
You can't control his decision to drink here.
Now what are you going to do for you?
That is one simple sounding question, with countless hours of thinking to find the answers, and potentially years to create outcomes.
I am sorry to hear that he chose to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I am so sorry. I have been there many times. The rehabs, the broken promises, and that completely defeating feeling of "Seriously? I cannot believe this just happened again." The anger, coupled with the sadness, followed by the complete helplessness- around and around in our heads. We, in our non-alcoholic brains, understand that they just got out of rehab, which is where they were supposed to get help and come out "fixed." It doesn't always work this way. It works when the alcoholic is ready. Which may be soon, or may be never. Calling the counselor will do nothing (I have). Trying to limit going out to "babysit" will not work (I have). Covering it up will not help (I have). Trying to control it will not help (I have). The only thing I didn't try was to let it unfold on its own.
You have received some great posts. You can only control you. And you can only help you.
You have received some great posts. You can only control you. And you can only help you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
They [We] all fall down. Most get up again.
No bigger deal or shame than they/we choose to make it.
He will have enough shame for both of you, so no need to rub his nose in it.
I remember two of Mrs. Hammer's best friends from starting AA with.
1. One relapsed early, fell off hard, and last I heard was in jail for either meth or crack hookering.
2. The other would relapse from time-to-time and get back up crying, ashamed, repent and get back in the race. Very human and as near as I can tell is fairly functional.
and then,
3. Mrs. Hammer relapsed after about 7 years, would not zero herself and start over, and later wound up in rehab for an eating disorder. Still kind of a mess on the lying and cover. Mostly seems to be a Pride and Arrogance thing. Very painful to her. Very painful to us.
All things considered, I think #2 on the list above seems the best.
We all Fall Down one way or another. Just part of being human. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," is how I think some wiser have put it. Only shame and failure in that is is in not confessing, repenting, and getting back up again.
Mrs. Hammer had to call and tell me she had relapsed (snuck out and barfed) half-way through eating disorder re-hab. I understand that. All fine. Somehow eariler that the same night that I felt compelled to look up "Ana P0rn" on the intertoobs. Some morbid curiosity of whether I could find Mrs. Hammer attractive, if she did not recover. All ribby and boney (she was near 90 lbs when we shipped her off). Not good on my side. Turns out, yeah, Anorexia P0rn does exists. Not any place any healthy mind should go.
Sort of figure Satan was sifting both of us that night. Turned out we were both weak.
That is why we need God.
Same for your hubby. Same for you.
Praise God.
=============
add on edit.
Like everyone else has already told you.
Get to Alanon.
Don't care about the planes, trains, automobiles, time, phase of the moon, etc.
Go.
No bigger deal or shame than they/we choose to make it.
He will have enough shame for both of you, so no need to rub his nose in it.
I remember two of Mrs. Hammer's best friends from starting AA with.
1. One relapsed early, fell off hard, and last I heard was in jail for either meth or crack hookering.
2. The other would relapse from time-to-time and get back up crying, ashamed, repent and get back in the race. Very human and as near as I can tell is fairly functional.
and then,
3. Mrs. Hammer relapsed after about 7 years, would not zero herself and start over, and later wound up in rehab for an eating disorder. Still kind of a mess on the lying and cover. Mostly seems to be a Pride and Arrogance thing. Very painful to her. Very painful to us.
All things considered, I think #2 on the list above seems the best.
We all Fall Down one way or another. Just part of being human. "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," is how I think some wiser have put it. Only shame and failure in that is is in not confessing, repenting, and getting back up again.
Mrs. Hammer had to call and tell me she had relapsed (snuck out and barfed) half-way through eating disorder re-hab. I understand that. All fine. Somehow eariler that the same night that I felt compelled to look up "Ana P0rn" on the intertoobs. Some morbid curiosity of whether I could find Mrs. Hammer attractive, if she did not recover. All ribby and boney (she was near 90 lbs when we shipped her off). Not good on my side. Turns out, yeah, Anorexia P0rn does exists. Not any place any healthy mind should go.
Sort of figure Satan was sifting both of us that night. Turned out we were both weak.
That is why we need God.
Same for your hubby. Same for you.
Praise God.
=============
add on edit.
Like everyone else has already told you.
Get to Alanon.
Don't care about the planes, trains, automobiles, time, phase of the moon, etc.
Go.
Need hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 7
One member mentioned how disappointed I am. I'm not disappointed. The days he was in rehab, I worked on me. I worked on having faith in him and what all he was learning. I worked on having an optimistic view for him and me.
Thank you all so much for the encouragement. I will look more closely at attending Al-Anon meetings.
I am so thankful I found this place. Thanks for welcoming me in.
Thank you all so much for the encouragement. I will look more closely at attending Al-Anon meetings.
I am so thankful I found this place. Thanks for welcoming me in.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
!!WHaaat!? I feel like I am being punked, again.......
SadSlinky, you have me very confused. Could you please clarify for me? You say that in relation to your husbands recent relapse, you are "scared, angry and hopeless"; You say that you feel "alone"; You say that you don't know what to "say, do or feel"
Yet, you say that you are NOT disappointed---that you have taken an optimistic view.
Honestly, scared, angry, hopeless and alone just doesn't sound optimistic to me.
Maybe I need to take a break from the forum for a few days.........
dandylion
SadSlinky, you have me very confused. Could you please clarify for me? You say that in relation to your husbands recent relapse, you are "scared, angry and hopeless"; You say that you feel "alone"; You say that you don't know what to "say, do or feel"
Yet, you say that you are NOT disappointed---that you have taken an optimistic view.
Honestly, scared, angry, hopeless and alone just doesn't sound optimistic to me.
Maybe I need to take a break from the forum for a few days.........
dandylion
Need hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 7
What I wrote was confusing. I am scared, angry, hopeless and alone now...that he is drinking again. I was on top of the world when he was in rehab. I had hope and was extremely optimistic that HE had finally decided to get help. I had thought he had hit rock bottom and was on the road to handling his addiction.
Originally Posted by dandylion 
!!WHaaat!? I feel like I am being punked, again.......
SadSlinky, you have me very confused. Could you please clarify for me? You say that in relation to your husbands recent relapse, you are "scared, angry and hopeless"; You say that you feel "alone"; You say that you don't know what to "say, do or feel"
Yet, you say that you are NOT disappointed---that you have taken an optimistic view.
Honestly, scared, angry, hopeless and alone just doesn't sound optimistic to me.
Maybe I need to take a break from the forum for a few days.........
dandylion
SadSlinky, you have me very confused. Could you please clarify for me? You say that in relation to your husbands recent relapse, you are "scared, angry and hopeless"; You say that you feel "alone"; You say that you don't know what to "say, do or feel"
Yet, you say that you are NOT disappointed---that you have taken an optimistic view.
Honestly, scared, angry, hopeless and alone just doesn't sound optimistic to me.
Maybe I need to take a break from the forum for a few days.........
dandylion
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by SadSlinky
What I wrote was confusing. I am scared, angry, hopeless and alone now...that he is drinking again. I was on top of the world when he was in rehab. I had hope and was extremely optimistic that HE had finally decided to get help. I had thought he had hit rock bottom and was on the road to handling his addiction.
dunno.
One thing certain -- one of the Alanon promises is that once WE work out our problems, the household is at least 1/2 better, whether the A is still drinking or not.
True dat.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I worked on having faith in him and what all he was learning. I worked on having an optimistic view for him and me.
Have faith in God, and use your free will to get to Al Anon.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Walla Walla WA
Posts: 46
My heart goes out to you Slinky. It is not easy; never easy. For the RA or the SO.
Hammer is so right, "Hope causes pain. Once the hope stops, the pain stops." Eloquently put, Hammer('s daughter)
I am in a similar boat as yourself, gf went to FL for 2 months is back home now and I have worry and anxiety all throughout the day. I have began (attempting to) meditate, it is a terrific release from the worry and stress. Also beginning to go back to NarAnon meetings.
Meetings! Meetings! Meetings! But until you can find some that match your schedule--continue to frequent SR. Folks like Wicked, Hammer, myself and the many others above are here to support you.
God bless you.
Hammer is so right, "Hope causes pain. Once the hope stops, the pain stops." Eloquently put, Hammer('s daughter)
I am in a similar boat as yourself, gf went to FL for 2 months is back home now and I have worry and anxiety all throughout the day. I have began (attempting to) meditate, it is a terrific release from the worry and stress. Also beginning to go back to NarAnon meetings.
Meetings! Meetings! Meetings! But until you can find some that match your schedule--continue to frequent SR. Folks like Wicked, Hammer, myself and the many others above are here to support you.
God bless you.
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