coparenting with alcoholic ex
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
coparenting with alcoholic ex
Hi everyone! Nice to see such an active and supportive community here.
I just feel the need to get this off my chest, sorry if this is too long and boring.
Like many others here, I grew up with an alcoholic parent. My father would try to hide his drinking from the family by drinking in the garage. But even as a child, I knew what he was doing and it hurt me very deeply. I thought that by being a good daughter and student (I put all my energy into school; I'm currently in grad school) that he would stop drinking, but he never did. Throughout my childhood, he would become drunk and then become verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I often felt intensely alone, scared, and deeply ashamed. I wondered why we couldn't just be a "normal family." I was very shy as a child and never had many friends. My father would tell me to "not talk about family things" (aka his alcoholism and abuse) to others outside our household.
After high school, I began dating a guy. Let's call him Juan. He was very charming, always made everyone laugh, and he was always the center of attention where ever he went. He was also an alcoholic. At first, things were great. But then over time, the lies and cheating and bad incidents involving his drinking began to escalate. We were on-and-off for a while (we would break up when I found out he was cheating again), but then he would contact me and tell me that he would never drink again, that he would do anything to be with me, that he loved me, etc. I desperately held on and took him back time and time again.
We had just gotten back together when I discovered I was pregnant. I felt great anxiety since I was entering my final year of college and I knew my family would be very upset (my family obviously did not like him). Plus, I knew Juan just was not a good person, even aside from his alcoholism. (So then why did I keep taking him back? I know I need to work through so many issues, like my co-dependency.) He proved this by going out and drinking the night before my due date. I ended up going into labor early the next morning, and he arrived to pick me up hungover and smelling very strongly of alcohol. Although he was present at the birth, I was very angry because I could smell the alcohol on his breath. When I would express my anger or concern, he would dismiss my feelings and insist that his drinking wasn't that bad.
After the baby was born, he continued going out with his friends to drink while I stayed home with the baby. (For context, he lived with his parents and I lived with my parents. That made it easier for him to go party while i stayed with the baby.) We broke up for good when my son was a year and half and right before I moved 5 hours away from my family/hometown to start graduate school. Juan moved as well to be close to our son. He kept drinking. He kept messing up. On our son's second birthday, he showed up very late and very hungover. He then proceeded to buy beer and drink it instead of playing with our son. When I confronted him the next day about it and told him that is not okay, he says, "That is in the past, get over it. I won't do it again." But then he would do similar things over and over again.
Last month, Juan came to my apartment very, very drunk at 4AM. (We do not live together but he has a key to my apartment...long story regarding that.) I was in bed sleeping with our son and woke up when I heard Juan making noise. He was slurring and could barely stand up. He crawled into the bed and passed out almost immediately. The next morning, I told him that he cannot enter the apartment without my permission and that he cannot be drunk around our child---in addition, drunk driving was very dangerous and unacceptable. He said, "I'm a drunk, I'm not going to change. Our son needs to get used to seeing me like this. This is who I am."
A few days after that, I found out he got married to the woman he cheated on me with. I found out from a third-party, so I didn't even hear this from him. I later found out that Juan had been bringing our son around this woman and that my son had already developed a relationship with her. My son also attended their wedding without my knowledge. I had no idea he was married at all. He simply never mentioned it. Related to this, I'm still emotionally reeling from the fact that this woman is now my son's stepmother. This woman and Juan initially began the relationship when Juan and I were still together. She knew about me and my son, but she did not care whatsoever. I know she did not/does not have any responsibility to me, that Juan did when we were in a relationship, but I just cannot understand how a woman could do the things she did to me. I've been struggling so much with this.
Aside from the legal action regarding custody I am now taking, I am struggling to understand how to improve MYSELF. I feel very afraid, sad, and angry. I don't want to be in this bad space anymore. I have myself, my child, and my future and I want to be healthy again.
After reading through through some websites related to Al-Anon and alcoholism, I now see that I have been very codependent (even after my breakup with Juan) and I am starting to see Juan for who he really is (a narcissist or BDP---he has admitted to me several times that he does not have a conscience---and an alcoholic). It is painful to acknowledge that he loves alcohol more than he loves our beautiful son.
I want to get better. I am barely scratching the surface, I know this process will likely take years, if not the rest of my life, but I want to learn the tools that will help me recover from my terrible experiences in order for me to become a healthier person and a better mother.
I'm just finding it so hard to detach. How do you do detach when you have to co-parent a young child? I know I am in for a very tough ride.
Also, does anyone have advice regarding custody matters? My ex insists that I can't prove anything, so I am worried the court may not grant the restrictions regarding alcohol that my lawyer and I are asking for...anyone else been through this?
I just feel the need to get this off my chest, sorry if this is too long and boring.
Like many others here, I grew up with an alcoholic parent. My father would try to hide his drinking from the family by drinking in the garage. But even as a child, I knew what he was doing and it hurt me very deeply. I thought that by being a good daughter and student (I put all my energy into school; I'm currently in grad school) that he would stop drinking, but he never did. Throughout my childhood, he would become drunk and then become verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I often felt intensely alone, scared, and deeply ashamed. I wondered why we couldn't just be a "normal family." I was very shy as a child and never had many friends. My father would tell me to "not talk about family things" (aka his alcoholism and abuse) to others outside our household.
After high school, I began dating a guy. Let's call him Juan. He was very charming, always made everyone laugh, and he was always the center of attention where ever he went. He was also an alcoholic. At first, things were great. But then over time, the lies and cheating and bad incidents involving his drinking began to escalate. We were on-and-off for a while (we would break up when I found out he was cheating again), but then he would contact me and tell me that he would never drink again, that he would do anything to be with me, that he loved me, etc. I desperately held on and took him back time and time again.
We had just gotten back together when I discovered I was pregnant. I felt great anxiety since I was entering my final year of college and I knew my family would be very upset (my family obviously did not like him). Plus, I knew Juan just was not a good person, even aside from his alcoholism. (So then why did I keep taking him back? I know I need to work through so many issues, like my co-dependency.) He proved this by going out and drinking the night before my due date. I ended up going into labor early the next morning, and he arrived to pick me up hungover and smelling very strongly of alcohol. Although he was present at the birth, I was very angry because I could smell the alcohol on his breath. When I would express my anger or concern, he would dismiss my feelings and insist that his drinking wasn't that bad.
After the baby was born, he continued going out with his friends to drink while I stayed home with the baby. (For context, he lived with his parents and I lived with my parents. That made it easier for him to go party while i stayed with the baby.) We broke up for good when my son was a year and half and right before I moved 5 hours away from my family/hometown to start graduate school. Juan moved as well to be close to our son. He kept drinking. He kept messing up. On our son's second birthday, he showed up very late and very hungover. He then proceeded to buy beer and drink it instead of playing with our son. When I confronted him the next day about it and told him that is not okay, he says, "That is in the past, get over it. I won't do it again." But then he would do similar things over and over again.
Last month, Juan came to my apartment very, very drunk at 4AM. (We do not live together but he has a key to my apartment...long story regarding that.) I was in bed sleeping with our son and woke up when I heard Juan making noise. He was slurring and could barely stand up. He crawled into the bed and passed out almost immediately. The next morning, I told him that he cannot enter the apartment without my permission and that he cannot be drunk around our child---in addition, drunk driving was very dangerous and unacceptable. He said, "I'm a drunk, I'm not going to change. Our son needs to get used to seeing me like this. This is who I am."
A few days after that, I found out he got married to the woman he cheated on me with. I found out from a third-party, so I didn't even hear this from him. I later found out that Juan had been bringing our son around this woman and that my son had already developed a relationship with her. My son also attended their wedding without my knowledge. I had no idea he was married at all. He simply never mentioned it. Related to this, I'm still emotionally reeling from the fact that this woman is now my son's stepmother. This woman and Juan initially began the relationship when Juan and I were still together. She knew about me and my son, but she did not care whatsoever. I know she did not/does not have any responsibility to me, that Juan did when we were in a relationship, but I just cannot understand how a woman could do the things she did to me. I've been struggling so much with this.
Aside from the legal action regarding custody I am now taking, I am struggling to understand how to improve MYSELF. I feel very afraid, sad, and angry. I don't want to be in this bad space anymore. I have myself, my child, and my future and I want to be healthy again.
After reading through through some websites related to Al-Anon and alcoholism, I now see that I have been very codependent (even after my breakup with Juan) and I am starting to see Juan for who he really is (a narcissist or BDP---he has admitted to me several times that he does not have a conscience---and an alcoholic). It is painful to acknowledge that he loves alcohol more than he loves our beautiful son.
I want to get better. I am barely scratching the surface, I know this process will likely take years, if not the rest of my life, but I want to learn the tools that will help me recover from my terrible experiences in order for me to become a healthier person and a better mother.
I'm just finding it so hard to detach. How do you do detach when you have to co-parent a young child? I know I am in for a very tough ride.
Also, does anyone have advice regarding custody matters? My ex insists that I can't prove anything, so I am worried the court may not grant the restrictions regarding alcohol that my lawyer and I are asking for...anyone else been through this?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
In your original post, it sounds like you blame the other woman more than Juan. Is that possible? If Juan is a lying, manipulating, cheating, alcoholic.........isn't it possible he did the same to her? Do you think he is capable of taking responsibility for any of this?
A few days after that, I found out he got married to the woman he cheated on me with. I found out from a third-party, so I didn't even hear this from him. I later found out that Juan had been bringing our son around this woman and that my son had already developed a relationship with her. My son also attended their wedding without my knowledge. I had no idea he was married at all. He simply never mentioned it. Related to this, I'm still emotionally reeling from the fact that this woman is now my son's stepmother. This woman and Juan initially began the relationship when Juan and I were still together. She knew about me and my son, but she did not care whatsoever. I know she did not/does not have any responsibility to me, that Juan did when we were in a relationship, but I just cannot understand how a woman could do the things she did to me. I've been struggling so much with this.
I want to get better. I am barely scratching the surface, I know this process will likely take years, if not the rest of my life, but I want to learn the tools that will help me recover from my terrible experiences in order for me to become a healthier person and a better mother.
Also, does anyone have advice regarding custody matters? My ex insists that I can't prove anything, so I am worried the court may not grant the restrictions regarding alcohol that my lawyer and I are asking for...anyone else been through this? Yes, you are correct. this is the beginning of your recovery journey. Please be gentle with yourself. You don't have to make all your decisions by 3 p.m., right?
As for Juan saying that you can't prove anything, in my experience alcoholics are bullies. He may be trying to scare you away from following through with legal action. My experience is that an alcoholic isn't going to spend booze money on a legal battle.
Stick around, we are here to support you.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
In your original post, it sounds like you blame the other woman more than Juan. Is that possible? If Juan is a lying, manipulating, cheating, alcoholic.........isn't it possible he did the same to her? Do you think he is capable of taking responsibility for any of this?
Originally Posted by butterfly2013 
A few days after that, I found out he got married to the woman he cheated on me with. I found out from a third-party, so I didn't even hear this from him. I later found out that Juan had been bringing our son around this woman and that my son had already developed a relationship with her. My son also attended their wedding without my knowledge. I had no idea he was married at all. He simply never mentioned it. Related to this, I'm still emotionally reeling from the fact that this woman is now my son's stepmother. This woman and Juan initially began the relationship when Juan and I were still together. She knew about me and my son, but she did not care whatsoever. I know she did not/does not have any responsibility to me, that Juan did when we were in a relationship, but I just cannot understand how a woman could do the things she did to me. I've been struggling so much with this.
I want to get better. I am barely scratching the surface, I know this process will likely take years, if not the rest of my life, but I want to learn the tools that will help me recover from my terrible experiences in order for me to become a healthier person and a better mother.
Also, does anyone have advice regarding custody matters? My ex insists that I can't prove anything, so I am worried the court may not grant the restrictions regarding alcohol that my lawyer and I are asking for...anyone else been through this?
As for Juan saying that you can't prove anything, in my experience alcoholics are bullies. He may be trying to scare you away from following through with legal action. My experience is that an alcoholic isn't going to spend booze money on a legal battle.
Stick around, we are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You want to detach ? Start by Changing the locks, he doesn't need a key, he is a married man now, he can take his sorry, drunk ass home to his wife.
He is not your problem.
So he's a drunk, and your child needs to get used to seeing him that way? I don't think so....... take the necessary steps to protect your child. Let your attorney handle this.
Keep documenting his actions. Hopefully, the court will see in your favor.
As far as his new wife, whether you can accept it today, that poor woman really did you a favor. I do not envy her life.
He is not your problem.
So he's a drunk, and your child needs to get used to seeing him that way? I don't think so....... take the necessary steps to protect your child. Let your attorney handle this.
Keep documenting his actions. Hopefully, the court will see in your favor.
As far as his new wife, whether you can accept it today, that poor woman really did you a favor. I do not envy her life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You want to detach ? Start by Changing the locks, he doesn't need a key, he is a married man now, he can take his sorry, drunk ass home to his wife.
He is not your problem.
So he's a drunk, and your child needs to get used to seeing him that way? I don't think so....... take the necessary steps to protect your child. Let your attorney handle this.
He is not your problem.
So he's a drunk, and your child needs to get used to seeing him that way? I don't think so....... take the necessary steps to protect your child. Let your attorney handle this.
Also, does he have any alcohol-related crime in his history? DUI, OWI, public intox, anything that will back you up. The good news is that unrepentant drunks typically can't wage effective custody battles, so you're ahead right out of the gate.
Regarding him having a key to your apartment? Change that immediately. Don't argue with him about the key, just get your landlord to change the locks. Also consider going no contact with him so you can get him out of your head while you figure out what to do.
Please stick around these forums. There is a lot of wisdom here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Hi Marie, thank you so much for your actions!
Regarding Juan and his new wife, yes, it's good to hear that from an outside perspective. Even though I logically know that their marriage must be a disaster, I think that the reason that their marriage hurts me so deeply is because I have not yet completely let go of the fantasy (and that's all it is---a fantasy, a delusion) of having a "family" with Juan, even though we have been broken up for a while. Yup, I know I need lots of Al-Anon and therapy to heal and truly and completely move on.
I have been documenting his actions. In the past month, he has not visited with our son at all for over 14 days (he has been going out of town on the weekends and then on weekdays after work he says he is "tired" or "hungry" so he says he would rather go home.) In addition to documenting his alcoholism, I'm hoping that his poor visitation record will also help my custody case. Especially because he is demanding 50/50 and he now insists that he can magically control his drinking. In fact, he insists he is a GREAT dad and that he never ever said he was an alcoholic, so I must be making everything up! My lawyer tells me not to worry, but I can't help but think about the crazy Juan might trump up.
Mediation is next week, but I know we will disagree. Our hearing is coming up soon after that and I'm hoping I'm granted what I'm asking for.
Thanks again for your help!
Regarding Juan and his new wife, yes, it's good to hear that from an outside perspective. Even though I logically know that their marriage must be a disaster, I think that the reason that their marriage hurts me so deeply is because I have not yet completely let go of the fantasy (and that's all it is---a fantasy, a delusion) of having a "family" with Juan, even though we have been broken up for a while. Yup, I know I need lots of Al-Anon and therapy to heal and truly and completely move on.
I have been documenting his actions. In the past month, he has not visited with our son at all for over 14 days (he has been going out of town on the weekends and then on weekdays after work he says he is "tired" or "hungry" so he says he would rather go home.) In addition to documenting his alcoholism, I'm hoping that his poor visitation record will also help my custody case. Especially because he is demanding 50/50 and he now insists that he can magically control his drinking. In fact, he insists he is a GREAT dad and that he never ever said he was an alcoholic, so I must be making everything up! My lawyer tells me not to worry, but I can't help but think about the crazy Juan might trump up.
Mediation is next week, but I know we will disagree. Our hearing is coming up soon after that and I'm hoping I'm granted what I'm asking for.
Thanks again for your help!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Quick piece of advice, if you want it. I've been through the mediation piece with a manipulative jerk. Just remember he can say anything and ask for anything, but you don't have to engage it and you don't have to give in. If you don't want to compromise on XYZ, be sure the mediator knows why -- "He's an alcoholic and shows extremely poor judgement and I am afraid for my son's safety."
Also, 50/50 custody is a joke. It almost never happens in a contested situation. Do your research, trust your instincts, and brush the dirt off your shoulder. You sound like a smart lady.
Also, 50/50 custody is a joke. It almost never happens in a contested situation. Do your research, trust your instincts, and brush the dirt off your shoulder. You sound like a smart lady.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by Florence
This.
Also, does he have any alcohol-related crime in his history? DUI, OWI, public intox, anything that will back you up. The good news is that unrepentant drunks typically can't wage effective custody battles, so you're ahead right out of the gate.
Regarding him having a key to your apartment? Change that immediately. Don't argue with him about the key, just get your landlord to change the locks. Also consider going no contact with him so you can get him out of your head while you figure out what to do.
Please stick around these forums. There is a lot of wisdom here.
Also, does he have any alcohol-related crime in his history? DUI, OWI, public intox, anything that will back you up. The good news is that unrepentant drunks typically can't wage effective custody battles, so you're ahead right out of the gate.
Regarding him having a key to your apartment? Change that immediately. Don't argue with him about the key, just get your landlord to change the locks. Also consider going no contact with him so you can get him out of your head while you figure out what to do.
Please stick around these forums. There is a lot of wisdom here.
In terms of the key situation, I am moving to a new apartment next week. He will not have a key.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by Florence
Quick piece of advice, if you want it. I've been through the mediation piece with a manipulative jerk. Just remember he can say anything and ask for anything, but you don't have to engage it and you don't have to give in. If you don't want to compromise on XYZ, be sure the mediator knows why -- "He's an alcoholic and shows extremely poor judgement and I am afraid for my son's safety."
Also, 50/50 custody is a joke. It almost never happens in a contested situation. Do your research, trust your instincts, and brush the dirt off your shoulder. You sound like a smart lady.
Also, 50/50 custody is a joke. It almost never happens in a contested situation. Do your research, trust your instincts, and brush the dirt off your shoulder. You sound like a smart lady.
Thanks again for the suggestion! I already know going into it that Juan disagrees with me. I gotta woman up and not let him intimidate me. I know I am doing the right thing, which is protecting my child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by marie1960
You want to detach ? Start by Changing the locks, he doesn't need a key, he is a married man now, he can take his sorry, drunk ass home to his wife.
He is not your problem.
So he's a drunk, and your child needs to get used to seeing him that way? I don't think so....... take the necessary steps to protect your child. Let your attorney handle this.
Keep documenting his actions. Hopefully, the court will see in your favor.
As far as his new wife, whether you can accept it today, that poor woman really did you a favor. I do not envy her life.
He is not your problem.
So he's a drunk, and your child needs to get used to seeing him that way? I don't think so....... take the necessary steps to protect your child. Let your attorney handle this.
Keep documenting his actions. Hopefully, the court will see in your favor.
As far as his new wife, whether you can accept it today, that poor woman really did you a favor. I do not envy her life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You sound so strong and determined and those qualities will get you far.
Something my lawyer told me is to talk about the kids (I have 2 young girls) in OUR children terms vs MY. I have the same concerns as you about my xAH's judgement and safety with our girls and I have tried my best when talking to counselors or the guardian ad lidem (court appointed and an idiot who buys xAH's talk) to present things as I feel (which is SOLELY about the girls). I do not disparage xAH or talk about the girls as mine alone. I have stated that our girls are my main concern and their safety is my main concern and that I want the girls to have time and a relationship with their dad but that for THEIR sake we need the court to set safe boundaries so we can both be sure they are safe.
What I would like to say would be more "me, my concerns, my girls etc" but my lawyer wisely told me that sounds more hostile and I want to sound as cooperative as possible while still maintaining concerns for the girls safety...
Something my lawyer told me is to talk about the kids (I have 2 young girls) in OUR children terms vs MY. I have the same concerns as you about my xAH's judgement and safety with our girls and I have tried my best when talking to counselors or the guardian ad lidem (court appointed and an idiot who buys xAH's talk) to present things as I feel (which is SOLELY about the girls). I do not disparage xAH or talk about the girls as mine alone. I have stated that our girls are my main concern and their safety is my main concern and that I want the girls to have time and a relationship with their dad but that for THEIR sake we need the court to set safe boundaries so we can both be sure they are safe.
What I would like to say would be more "me, my concerns, my girls etc" but my lawyer wisely told me that sounds more hostile and I want to sound as cooperative as possible while still maintaining concerns for the girls safety...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
You sound so strong and determined and those qualities will get you far.
Something my lawyer told me is to talk about the kids (I have 2 young girls) in OUR children terms vs MY. I have the same concerns as you about my xAH's judgement and safety with our girls and I have tried my best when talking to counselors or the guardian ad lidem (court appointed and an idiot who buys xAH's talk) to present things as I feel (which is SOLELY about the girls). I do not disparage xAH or talk about the girls as mine alone. I have stated that our girls are my main concern and their safety is my main concern and that I want the girls to have time and a relationship with their dad but that for THEIR sake we need the court to set safe boundaries so we can both be sure they are safe.
What I would like to say would be more "me, my concerns, my girls etc" but my lawyer wisely told me that sounds more hostile and I want to sound as cooperative as possible while still maintaining concerns for the girls safety...
Something my lawyer told me is to talk about the kids (I have 2 young girls) in OUR children terms vs MY. I have the same concerns as you about my xAH's judgement and safety with our girls and I have tried my best when talking to counselors or the guardian ad lidem (court appointed and an idiot who buys xAH's talk) to present things as I feel (which is SOLELY about the girls). I do not disparage xAH or talk about the girls as mine alone. I have stated that our girls are my main concern and their safety is my main concern and that I want the girls to have time and a relationship with their dad but that for THEIR sake we need the court to set safe boundaries so we can both be sure they are safe.
What I would like to say would be more "me, my concerns, my girls etc" but my lawyer wisely told me that sounds more hostile and I want to sound as cooperative as possible while still maintaining concerns for the girls safety...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR, I'm so happy you found this safe place to vent and learn from others who have been there. One of the biggest things that helped me was knowing I was not alone and I am not the only person that had to deal with all of this.
It is a good rule of thumb that if he tells you that you can't do something, know damn well you are more than capable of doing it and the reason he is putting you down is because he is scared sh*tless that you are going to follow through. NEVER let him into your head, you are a million times stronger than you believe.
I would def. change the locks, he is married and even if he wasn't, he has no right to be coming into YOUR house in the middle of the night especially when he is drunk (even if he was sober he still doesn't have a right too, he doesn't live there and you aren't together).
I know that it is a big adjustment that your son now has a step mother, but the bigger thing to address is, is your ex driving drunk while he has your child with him? The safety of your child always comes first.
As for him being married, be thankful he now has another woman to run into the ground. I know it hurts and you feel betrayed, but this woman isn't going to have a magical sober version of him (even if he tries to make you believe their life is perfect, believe me he is only trying to hurt you by saying that). Alcoholism is a progressive disease so whatever you had to deal with, she will have it much worse it a year or two.
Keep reading and posting here, you will make it through this.
It is a good rule of thumb that if he tells you that you can't do something, know damn well you are more than capable of doing it and the reason he is putting you down is because he is scared sh*tless that you are going to follow through. NEVER let him into your head, you are a million times stronger than you believe.
I would def. change the locks, he is married and even if he wasn't, he has no right to be coming into YOUR house in the middle of the night especially when he is drunk (even if he was sober he still doesn't have a right too, he doesn't live there and you aren't together).
I know that it is a big adjustment that your son now has a step mother, but the bigger thing to address is, is your ex driving drunk while he has your child with him? The safety of your child always comes first.
As for him being married, be thankful he now has another woman to run into the ground. I know it hurts and you feel betrayed, but this woman isn't going to have a magical sober version of him (even if he tries to make you believe their life is perfect, believe me he is only trying to hurt you by saying that). Alcoholism is a progressive disease so whatever you had to deal with, she will have it much worse it a year or two.
Keep reading and posting here, you will make it through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by Maylie
Welcome to SR, I'm so happy you found this safe place to vent and learn from others who have been there. One of the biggest things that helped me was knowing I was not alone and I am not the only person that had to deal with all of this.
It is a good rule of thumb that if he tells you that you can't do something, know damn well you are more than capable of doing it and the reason he is putting you down is because he is scared sh*tless that you are going to follow through. NEVER let him into your head, you are a million times stronger than you believe.
I would def. change the locks, he is married and even if he wasn't, he has no right to be coming into YOUR house in the middle of the night especially when he is drunk (even if he was sober he still doesn't have a right too, he doesn't live there and you aren't together).
I know that it is a big adjustment that your son now has a step mother, but the bigger thing to address is, is your ex driving drunk while he has your child with him? The safety of your child always comes first.
As for him being married, be thankful he now has another woman to run into the ground. I know it hurts and you feel betrayed, but this woman isn't going to have a magical sober version of him (even if he tries to make you believe their life is perfect, believe me he is only trying to hurt you by saying that). Alcoholism is a progressive disease so whatever you had to deal with, she will have it much worse it a year or two.
Keep reading and posting here, you will make it through this.
It is a good rule of thumb that if he tells you that you can't do something, know damn well you are more than capable of doing it and the reason he is putting you down is because he is scared sh*tless that you are going to follow through. NEVER let him into your head, you are a million times stronger than you believe.
I would def. change the locks, he is married and even if he wasn't, he has no right to be coming into YOUR house in the middle of the night especially when he is drunk (even if he was sober he still doesn't have a right too, he doesn't live there and you aren't together).
I know that it is a big adjustment that your son now has a step mother, but the bigger thing to address is, is your ex driving drunk while he has your child with him? The safety of your child always comes first.
As for him being married, be thankful he now has another woman to run into the ground. I know it hurts and you feel betrayed, but this woman isn't going to have a magical sober version of him (even if he tries to make you believe their life is perfect, believe me he is only trying to hurt you by saying that). Alcoholism is a progressive disease so whatever you had to deal with, she will have it much worse it a year or two.
Keep reading and posting here, you will make it through this.
I love how you put it into perspective. Absolutely, I should only be concerned about my son's safety above all. Like you said, I should not even bother to think about their marriage. There is simply no point. I should invest time and energy into myself and my son. It still hurts, but it will get better with time.
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Man oh man. Has anyone gone through the Al-Anon program? I need help setting firm boundaries with my alcoholic ex. I asked him to not call me late at night anymore (he called last night around 11PM) and he blew up saying, "That's not even late! I called to ask about my son to make sure he is okay, I didn't call to talk to YOU!" I said, "Please just do not call me past 7PM." He just raised his voice and kept complaining very loudly. He does not want any boundaries AT ALL. I'm tired of him always dismissing my requests and feelings as well. But then again, I know I have grown accustomed to this behavior. But not anymore!
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Man oh man. Has anyone gone through the Al-Anon program? I need help setting firm boundaries with my alcoholic ex. I asked him to not call me late at night anymore (he called last night around 11PM) and he blew up saying, "That's not even late! I called to ask about my son to make sure he is okay, I didn't call to talk to YOU!" I said, "Please just do not call me past 7PM." He just raised his voice and kept complaining very loudly. He does not want any boundaries AT ALL. I'm tired of him always dismissing my requests and feelings as well. But then again, I know I have grown accustomed to this behavior. But not anymore!
Great saying we have here: "Hurry up and do nothing." You're not his assistant or his support staff, and you don't have to take orders to explain why you do what you do.
Another saying: "Don't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain." You can't argue with crazy. Why bother?
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Originally Posted by Florence
Insofar as maintaining this boundary, you've let him know what you want ("Don't call after 7pm") and he is aware. If he calls after 7pm, you don't answer the phone or texts or whatever else, and do whatever night routine you need to do.
Great saying we have here: "Hurry up and do nothing." You're not his assistant or his support staff, and you don't have to take orders to explain why you do what you do.
Another saying: "Don't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain." You can't argue with crazy. Why bother?
Great saying we have here: "Hurry up and do nothing." You're not his assistant or his support staff, and you don't have to take orders to explain why you do what you do.
Another saying: "Don't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain." You can't argue with crazy. Why bother?
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But not anymore!
BF, I am so glad you are here.
He can not define what is late for you!
I had to learn this too.
A boundary could be, I will not answer my phone (it is my phone and is just a tool, a modern convenience, that I use at MY convenience.) after 7 pm.
He just raised his voice and kept complaining very loudly.
You do not have to listen to this either.
"Juan, I am hanging up. I will not listen to anyone yell at me." And hang up.
Then, since your mediation is coming up so quickly, I suggest jotting down the high points. Concern for his son at 2300? No, more like controlling son's mom by calling so late. He is going to talk to the boy that late? Ridiculous.
No mas, Juan!
You will learn so much here. Alanon is excellent too!
It is not about the alcoholic, it is about you, and defining your best life!
Then living it!
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Why look to the most damaged person in your life to drive your bus? Steer your life in the dysfunctional way he’s doing???
We put up with a lot in hopes that one day it all turns into that magical fantasy we hold onto so tightly. It becomes habit, we learn to NOT stand up for ourselves, speak our mind because it may upset them and they may yell LOUDER.
Then when we no longer have them in our daily lives we still seem to allow them to steer our bus, take our life along with them down dysfunction highway.
Unless you absolutely still think and want this loser – cheat – controlling - drunk as your dream man AND accept him exactly as he is today then do nothing.
If you are done with this person, accepting he is how and who he is – then change your behavior so you are not afraid of him and allowing him to steer your life.
Next time he calls at 11:00 PM DON’T ANSWER YOUR PHONE –TURN IT OFF.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS, USE 911 WHEN NEEDED. Document everything and be consistent in your decisions, can’t allow him drunk time access to your child one day then not the next –make it consistent. You can’t answer your phone at 11 PM one night but then not the next, consistently NOT answer it after a certain time that you have stated.
If you deny him “drunk time” access to your child and he threatens you that he will call the police or child services then by all means LET HIM!!!
We put up with a lot in hopes that one day it all turns into that magical fantasy we hold onto so tightly. It becomes habit, we learn to NOT stand up for ourselves, speak our mind because it may upset them and they may yell LOUDER.
Then when we no longer have them in our daily lives we still seem to allow them to steer our bus, take our life along with them down dysfunction highway.
Unless you absolutely still think and want this loser – cheat – controlling - drunk as your dream man AND accept him exactly as he is today then do nothing.
If you are done with this person, accepting he is how and who he is – then change your behavior so you are not afraid of him and allowing him to steer your life.
Next time he calls at 11:00 PM DON’T ANSWER YOUR PHONE –TURN IT OFF.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS, USE 911 WHEN NEEDED. Document everything and be consistent in your decisions, can’t allow him drunk time access to your child one day then not the next –make it consistent. You can’t answer your phone at 11 PM one night but then not the next, consistently NOT answer it after a certain time that you have stated.
If you deny him “drunk time” access to your child and he threatens you that he will call the police or child services then by all means LET HIM!!!
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Such wonderful advice here. It seems clear to me that you all are in such a great place to make such sharp observations. With every new post and the wonderful advice I'm getting, I am starting to see things a bit more clearly.
Agreed, it was as if he was having a tantrum. Just the thought of walking away or hanging up the phone seems so freeing. Why didn't I do this years ago??
Great tip on taking note in my journal of him calling at 11PM. I hadn't even thought to write that down.
Taking everything one step at a time, thanks again everyone!
Agreed, it was as if he was having a tantrum. Just the thought of walking away or hanging up the phone seems so freeing. Why didn't I do this years ago??
Great tip on taking note in my journal of him calling at 11PM. I hadn't even thought to write that down.
Taking everything one step at a time, thanks again everyone!
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