jessieandme2003

I am amazed how this particular part of my life is something I can't seem to get right.

I consider myself smart. I am well educated, have a successful career, am rather attractive. Yet I just seem to make all the wrong moves in my role of wife of an AH.

I am SO codependent it is mind boggling.

Last year through a lot of hard work and the support from this group, I was able to fight my emotional way through to deciding I wanted out, and filing a divorce. I even dated once my papers were filed, to convince myself I could move on. I had worked through all the pain and uckiness of missing him (oh, those awful painful months) and was putting together my own new life. Or so I thought.

I was wrong.

I was rebounding, not just learning to love myself and then happening to meet an amazing person. I was still SO codie, and not quite able to be happy with just me. I was letting a new guy in my life I knew wasn't the right one, and yet not moving quickly to end that.

Then my AH came back, sober, with promises to fight to stay that way. And I was scared but oh so happy at the prospect of everything I wanted finally coming true.

Why did I agree? Why did I not insist on a year of sobriety first, or something slower than his bullying me into letting him right back in the house? Why did I convince myself it was my responsibility to my vows? That I had to give him a second chance? That everyone in the family would want me to?

When I KNEW it was more codie ways in the making. When I knew I wouldn't be able to hanlde it when he slipped back. Which he did.

Here I am, back in the very beginning of that painful part again. I don't know how I can face this anguish when I KNOW how bad it will hurt again. I want out, I can't handle the life of wife of an active alcoholic. I can't hanlde giving so much and getting so little. I can't handle the lies, the selfishness. Yet I have all those emotional traumas again now because my heart loves him so, in all those codie ways. It keeps fighting for me to just give it time, give it a chance, maybe you can detach and be happy and still be with him. But I know I can't.

It hurts to the point of distraction. I guess its back to the zombie days, where I am just functioning in my world but my insides feel numb. Taking steps for divorce again is going to put my daughter and I back into that horrible drama, yet not taking steps keeps us in our current drama. One is forever and one is temporary, that is the difference that helps me keep taking steps even knowing the pain that will come.

Thanks for listening.

JT

(((jessieandme2003)))

We do what we do and all of life is a series of do overs...not always this large but until we learn the lesson we are detined to repeat the mistake. The important thing is to learn from it and it sounds like you are.

I am sorry you are going through this but you know we all have your back!

Hugs,
JT

splendra

(((((((((((((((JessieandMe)))))))))))))))))))))'

You are smarter now, It still hurts. You take care of you and make one boundry you can keep. You know more this time and you won't put up with as much cr@p I just know it. Take good care!!

Gabe

((((jessieandme))))
It frightens me how quickly I can fall back into codependent behavior. I really have to be ever vigilant about those habit patterns.
Thank God for those do-overs JT mentioned.
Peace,
Gabe

smoke gets in my eyes

(((( Jessieandme )))) !

jessieandme2003

This group is so comforting.

All the familiar names.

I am so glad to have you all.