New to this and so exhausted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 4
New to this and so exhausted.
Warning this will be looooooooong.
I've been married for almost 11 years. When we first met my husband had mentioned he didn't drink, which probably should have been a red flag. As our relationship progressed he would drink occasionally, mostly in social situations. It was a non-issue, we had fun. As time progressed his drinking increased. I didn't realize the extent of it, but a lot of it occurred at nights after I'd left for work and it didn't create a problem.
One of the first times I noticed it could be a problem was him becoming a GIANT a-hole while drinking, but just once in a blue moon, maybe once a year or so. It got to the point where I would get anxiety about social events and worry and wondering if this would be an ok evening or if he'd do the Jekyll and Hyde thing. The majority of the time we would be out and have drinks was fine, even quite enjoyable, but the Jekyll and Hyde times began to increase.
Fast forward a few years and his drinking had increased so much that he'd drink almost nightly except the nights he had to work. He works long shifts so he only works 2 nights a week. (I did not know it was to this excess) His behavior got more annoying. I'd dread being around him and I was getting concerned and would take issue with it. We had a few counseling sessions about it and basically the counselor told me that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and my own past was making this more of this then I needed to be.
We agreed on a drinking schedule which of course he agreed to, but slowly began increasing which got us back to the counselor who asked DH if he could be sober for 6 months to prove he didn't have a problem. He agreed and he did and he was pissed about it, even though he didn't say so.
After the 6 months was over it was right back at it. This was a regular occurrence with me being pissy about it and would end up with him sneaking behind my back, starting earlier in the day, lying about and constantly obsessing about the next time he could drink. He was never the alcoholic that had to be drunk constantly, but it was increasing and he felt that since he could go long stints without that he didn't have a problem. This came to a head when he had a 3 day seminar for work. He was thrilled to go and spend the 3 days pretty much drinking whenever he could because he didn't have to deal with a crabby wife. On the last day on his way home he realized that he had a problem and began counseling and eventually realized and admitted he was an alcoholic.
He's been sober since January 1st and the first couple months were ok, with a few ups and downs. Now that it's warming up it's getting harder for him. Since one of his favorite times to drink was when he would be outside doing chores. He is in this place where he never thinks he'll have fun again. He doesn't think it's worth opening the pool. He isn't excited about camping this summer. He said I'll never see him on a dance floor again. Essentially thinks he's given up the opportunity at all joy in life. I understand this is normal, but I don't know how to handle this. I just want to scream and point out how ridiculous it sounds. Granted, I don't do it, I try to help and talk him through it, but he's working very hard at being miserable lately and I am exhausted trying to keep my chin up.
Last night he admitted he was angry that my life is better because of this. He is mad that I still have the option to drink if I choose (I drink about 6 times a year). He's bitter about everything right now and it makes me feel so guilty when I do anything that might be considered enjoyable. He has been sporadically going to meetings, but not as often as he should. If he is in a positive mood about sobriety he doesn't feel like he needs it.
I guess I don't even know where I am going with this. I'm just worried that he's going to be miserable forever.
I've been married for almost 11 years. When we first met my husband had mentioned he didn't drink, which probably should have been a red flag. As our relationship progressed he would drink occasionally, mostly in social situations. It was a non-issue, we had fun. As time progressed his drinking increased. I didn't realize the extent of it, but a lot of it occurred at nights after I'd left for work and it didn't create a problem.
One of the first times I noticed it could be a problem was him becoming a GIANT a-hole while drinking, but just once in a blue moon, maybe once a year or so. It got to the point where I would get anxiety about social events and worry and wondering if this would be an ok evening or if he'd do the Jekyll and Hyde thing. The majority of the time we would be out and have drinks was fine, even quite enjoyable, but the Jekyll and Hyde times began to increase.
Fast forward a few years and his drinking had increased so much that he'd drink almost nightly except the nights he had to work. He works long shifts so he only works 2 nights a week. (I did not know it was to this excess) His behavior got more annoying. I'd dread being around him and I was getting concerned and would take issue with it. We had a few counseling sessions about it and basically the counselor told me that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and my own past was making this more of this then I needed to be.
We agreed on a drinking schedule which of course he agreed to, but slowly began increasing which got us back to the counselor who asked DH if he could be sober for 6 months to prove he didn't have a problem. He agreed and he did and he was pissed about it, even though he didn't say so. After the 6 months was over it was right back at it. This was a regular occurrence with me being pissy about it and would end up with him sneaking behind my back, starting earlier in the day, lying about and constantly obsessing about the next time he could drink. He was never the alcoholic that had to be drunk constantly, but it was increasing and he felt that since he could go long stints without that he didn't have a problem. This came to a head when he had a 3 day seminar for work. He was thrilled to go and spend the 3 days pretty much drinking whenever he could because he didn't have to deal with a crabby wife. On the last day on his way home he realized that he had a problem and began counseling and eventually realized and admitted he was an alcoholic.
He's been sober since January 1st and the first couple months were ok, with a few ups and downs. Now that it's warming up it's getting harder for him. Since one of his favorite times to drink was when he would be outside doing chores. He is in this place where he never thinks he'll have fun again. He doesn't think it's worth opening the pool. He isn't excited about camping this summer. He said I'll never see him on a dance floor again. Essentially thinks he's given up the opportunity at all joy in life. I understand this is normal, but I don't know how to handle this. I just want to scream and point out how ridiculous it sounds. Granted, I don't do it, I try to help and talk him through it, but he's working very hard at being miserable lately and I am exhausted trying to keep my chin up.
Last night he admitted he was angry that my life is better because of this. He is mad that I still have the option to drink if I choose (I drink about 6 times a year). He's bitter about everything right now and it makes me feel so guilty when I do anything that might be considered enjoyable. He has been sporadically going to meetings, but not as often as he should. If he is in a positive mood about sobriety he doesn't feel like he needs it.
I guess I don't even know where I am going with this. I'm just worried that he's going to be miserable forever.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
wow. Amazing that "life is better" if one can drink.
And that camping, being outside, etc. is not fun if one cannot drink.
For whatever it is worth, I would give drinking that 6 times a year if that helped him feel you are all in this together. But I suppose not so if it were a control or jealous thing.
Overall, it sounds like he has some resentments of the condition as much or more than you.
Suppose it comes with the turf.
As much as I love Mrs. Hammer, I still from time-to-time resent that God sent me an A for a wife. But that is all my problem -- not hers.
And that camping, being outside, etc. is not fun if one cannot drink.
For whatever it is worth, I would give drinking that 6 times a year if that helped him feel you are all in this together. But I suppose not so if it were a control or jealous thing.
Overall, it sounds like he has some resentments of the condition as much or more than you.
Suppose it comes with the turf.
As much as I love Mrs. Hammer, I still from time-to-time resent that God sent me an A for a wife. But that is all my problem -- not hers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Sounds like he's "white knuckling". No real recovery program, just not drinking. Being sober is only a part of real recovery. It takes focus and work to learn how to be fully happy and whole without the alcohol. My RABF tells me that he see's his sobriety as a subset of his recovery. In order to really work on recovery (#1 goal) he has to abstain. He still has things that trigger him, but the recovery part reminds him of why he's sober.
Maybe he could find a counselor with a specialty in addiction? Do you attend AlAnon? Maybe if he saw you contributing to the recovery of the relationship, he might attend AA more consistently? Just thinking out loud here. I would also suggest (if you haven't already) getting all alcohol out of the house, and maybe give up drinking yourself for now. Be a team.
Don't feel guilty for having a little fun. It's important to continue to take care of yourself. You both have choices. He can choose to be unhappy, doesn't mean you need to be unhappy.
I wish you the best, keep reading and posting. Find an AlAnon group, it will help you sort through your feelings.
Maybe he could find a counselor with a specialty in addiction? Do you attend AlAnon? Maybe if he saw you contributing to the recovery of the relationship, he might attend AA more consistently? Just thinking out loud here. I would also suggest (if you haven't already) getting all alcohol out of the house, and maybe give up drinking yourself for now. Be a team.
Don't feel guilty for having a little fun. It's important to continue to take care of yourself. You both have choices. He can choose to be unhappy, doesn't mean you need to be unhappy.
I wish you the best, keep reading and posting. Find an AlAnon group, it will help you sort through your feelings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 4
I will be abstaining as long as it takes. I told him I'd happily give up drinking all together if that helps. I think that just irritates him more. We've cleared the alcohol out of the house and even given up all of his precious pint glass collection. His counselor is an addiction specialist which is very relieving because I don't think he would have had this realization had he been seeing the previous asshat.
I will look into an AlAnon meeting and see what comes of that. Thank you.
I will look into an AlAnon meeting and see what comes of that. Thank you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Furrytreats 
I will be abstaining as long as it takes. I told him I'd happily give up drinking all together if that helps. I think that just irritates him more.
Aint no winning, but it is not our battle.
We've cleared the alcohol out of the house and even given up all of his precious pint glass collection. His counselor is an addiction specialist which is very relieving because I don't think he would have had this realization had he been seeing the previous asshat.
I will look into an AlAnon meeting and see what comes of that. Thank you.
So Far.
One Day At A Time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Furrytreats
I will be abstaining as long as it takes. I told him I'd happily give up drinking all together if that helps. I think that just irritates him more. We've cleared the alcohol out of the house and even given up all of his precious pint glass collection. His counselor is an addiction specialist which is very relieving because I don't think he would have had this realization had he been seeing the previous asshat.
I will look into an AlAnon meeting and see what comes of that. Thank you.
I will look into an AlAnon meeting and see what comes of that. Thank you.
My AH is currently on another white knuckled sobriety phase, still won't give up his pint glass collection, LOL. He is now seeing his psychologist twice a week to help him work out why he's so selfish and verbally abusive. When I suggested it was related to alcoholism, he thought I was crazy. Nope, can't possibly be related to the drinking, the binging, the mixing alcohol with prescription antidepressants, etc. NOPE.
What you are going through is typical crazy making behavior. The best advice I got was to get to Al Anon, find a sponsor, and find a way to accept where I was in life. I had to start focusing on me and get out of my own denial for there to be any personal growth. I'm still with my AH despite the broken promises and lies, etc. I just take it one day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 4
He is meeting with a new potential sponsor this week. I'm hopeful that this one will be more wise. The last was someone he had known which I don't think was a great idea to start with, but I wasn't about to start bossing about things I'm clueless about.
He says he'll attend a Caduceus meeting tonight so hopefully that will give some insight.
He says he'll attend a Caduceus meeting tonight so hopefully that will give some insight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
When you said you would abstain, my first thought was that will just make him angrier. An alcoholic angry at his/her addiction is really just in a holding pattern. With luck, abstinence, and (for me) AA, one comes to acceptance and then life can begin again.
Until then, all you can do is "detach with love" and go to Al-Anon. I can't tell you how many spouses I have known who have come to value that program beyond the time when their "A" was a problem. My heart goes out to you.
Until then, all you can do is "detach with love" and go to Al-Anon. I can't tell you how many spouses I have known who have come to value that program beyond the time when their "A" was a problem. My heart goes out to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 4
Can I ask about Al-Anon?
I am quite jaded. I went to an Al-Anon meeting once as a teenager dealing with my mother's issues and I wanted to scream running the other way.
What happens at these meetings? Who talks? What do they talk about? Do I have to talk? What the heck do I even talk about if I do talk?
What happens at these meetings? Who talks? What do they talk about? Do I have to talk? What the heck do I even talk about if I do talk?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Personally, I don't go to Al-Anon. I read everything I can get my hands on, and use SR diligently, and saw a counselor one on one for a couple of years. I feel like I've made great strides.
I pay close attention to the tenets of Al-Anon, but don't work the steps or have a sponsor.
I pay close attention to the tenets of Al-Anon, but don't work the steps or have a sponsor.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Furrytreats
I am quite jaded. I went to an Al-Anon meeting once as a teenager dealing with my mother's issues and I wanted to scream running the other way.
What happens at these meetings? Who talks? What do they talk about? Do I have to talk? What the heck do I even talk about if I do talk?
What happens at these meetings? Who talks? What do they talk about? Do I have to talk? What the heck do I even talk about if I do talk?
Maybe now as an adult, being married to a *resentful white knuckling drunk, you will find more in common with the people there.
My name is Beth and I am a recovering alcoholic and codependent. The meetings help me detach from what the addict is doing, thinking, saying or feeling (and try to control it
) in order to take care of myself and live my life.Oh, and no, you do not have to do or say anything. I think in the stickies there is a post about what happens at meetings. I will try to find it.
You can just sit down, listen to others, participate, or not, (I just say "pass").
I do a lot of reading too. Have you read "codependent no more"?
Beth
*in this moment, he is this, he could change. I edited because it sounded a little rough!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Also, try more than one meeting, and go several times before you make decisions. No one will insist you speak; a simple "I pass" is enough.
Husband #2 was an A like me, and I went to Al-Anon to deal with his craziness; it was invaluable.
Husband #2 was an A like me, and I went to Al-Anon to deal with his craziness; it was invaluable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Pamel
Also, try more than one meeting, and go several times before you make decisions. No one will insist you speak; a simple "I pass" is enough.
Best way to find out about what they talk about? Go and see. Like they say, "take what you like and leave the rest." I'm betting you'll find at least SOMETHING to like.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 70
AlAnon saved my sanity. For the first time, I was in a place where I wasn't judged, people knew what I was going through and I could say whatever I was feeling without fear of retribution.
You won't be made to speak, but you can learn about the experience, strength and hope of others who have say exactly where you are and know the issues you're facing. For me, it was (and continues to be) a place where I am truly loved and accepted. And, after being with an A for so long it was nice to have something that focused on ME, not the A.
Alcoholism doesn't just affect the alcoholic, but their loved ones too. Just as they have to pursue a recovery path, so do those around them.
You won't be made to speak, but you can learn about the experience, strength and hope of others who have say exactly where you are and know the issues you're facing. For me, it was (and continues to be) a place where I am truly loved and accepted. And, after being with an A for so long it was nice to have something that focused on ME, not the A.
Alcoholism doesn't just affect the alcoholic, but their loved ones too. Just as they have to pursue a recovery path, so do those around them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Furrytreats
Essentially thinks he's given up the opportunity at all joy in life. I understand this is normal, but I don't know how to handle this. I just want to scream and point out how ridiculous it sounds. Granted, I don't do it, I try to help and talk him through it, but he's working very hard at being miserable lately and I am exhausted trying to keep my chin up.
Sometimes I still struggle with it, especially since I quit and my BF did not. And he is unwilling (for now) to quit entirely because of that. he has no concept of having fun without alcohol.
I think that it will probably be a struggle for him, and some alcoholics and addicts never get over that idea. Then, they relapse. Sometimes they never get over it - they never adjust. Others, like me, learn to have fun and to adapt in different ways.
Which way your husband will go remains to be seen. But it sounds like he has a great support system in you - and it is very helpful that you are not much of a drinker. Hopefully he can learn to adapt by your example.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"i'm just worried that he's going to be miserable forever. (Furrytreats)
These are his actions....... his consequences.
This "your life is so much better than mine" nonsense is a weak excuse on his part. So you are supposed to feel bad the rest of your life because he cannot/ refuses to man up and take responsibility for himself, and his recovery.
Currently he maybe sober, but he has a lot of work to do in HIS recovery. He sounds angry, and misplaced . Guess he needs to look in the mirror a while longer, that is where he will find his answers.
Take care of yourself, his projecting ways will eat you up if you allow it.
We are here to support you.
Wishing you peace.
These are his actions....... his consequences.
This "your life is so much better than mine" nonsense is a weak excuse on his part. So you are supposed to feel bad the rest of your life because he cannot/ refuses to man up and take responsibility for himself, and his recovery.
Currently he maybe sober, but he has a lot of work to do in HIS recovery. He sounds angry, and misplaced . Guess he needs to look in the mirror a while longer, that is where he will find his answers.
Take care of yourself, his projecting ways will eat you up if you allow it.
We are here to support you.
Wishing you peace.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
