MsAngel

I recently started reading these forums again because the last 2 months have been chaos & a rollercoaster.

Things have been up and down for the last few years, with AH and I separating several times. But, mid-march he finally crossed a line. He kicked me & the kids out of the house with no notice & no stuff. The months prior to that were awesome, he was sober & things seemed great. Then out of nowhere he called me up drunk when I was leaving work & getting the kids. He said he was drinking again we needed to separate & he needed the weekend to pack. He refused to even let me come home to get clothes, toys, or medicine. I ended up at the neighbors house in tears & the neighbors eventually called the police. The police helped me get my stuff and we stayed for the next week with my parents.

He did leave at the end of the weekend with literally nothing. Since then he has been homeless, bouncing around, ending up in detox several times, and rotating between telling me how horrid I was & begging to come home because it would be different.

I've stayed strong even as the chaos and manipulation has increased. I haven't let him move back or even sleep in the garage as he keeps requesting. So he kept escalating, leading to suicide threats & finally faking a suicide while on the phone with me just last Wednesday. That scared me, partly because at the time I did not know he was faking & because you have to be really screwed up to do that to someone. I went that day & filed for emergency custody of our children thinking that his next step might be to try to use them in his manipulation. I also found I could revoke his bond - my dumbass had bonded him out a while back. So I revoked it & they picked him up at the custody hearing.

Now I have one of his friends begging me to bond him out & I have him begging me. I asked what would change, he would still be homeless & not have a plan. He said, well I would have to let him come home . He said he needed this day in jail to wake him up. It made me sad because it was the first time we have really talked in over a month & it took him going to jail for it to happen. Plus I know that even if he believes things will be different, I don't, I know nothing has really changed. Now he is giving me guilt trips saying that he will see him again in 2018 since I won't get him out to finish up the steps of his probation & will go to prison.

I also learned a week after he left that I was pregnant - fantastic timing there. Then I learned the same day he faked his suicide that I am going to have a high risk pregnancy which will mean way more doctors appointments and possibly an early delivery and time in the NICU. I did tell him about the pregnancy, but haven't told him about the high risk part, just another reason he would give as to why he needs to be home.

So I have just been stressed to no end. My kids (4 & 2) know something is wrong & it is definitely affecting them. Some days I just want to lay in bed & cry and then some days I want to cry and I can't even cry, like I have run out of tears.

I know I need to leave him in there, but there is a part of me that wants to go save him & help him. I am just so sad & hurt & angry right now and feel like I can't cope with all of this. I feel bad because my kids have seen me crying so much recently that my 2 year old has started asking if I am crying even if I am not. I feel guilty for his situation even though I know I shouldn't. Everything just sucks right now. I feel blindsided because I thought things were really getting better for us. I guess alcohol can sneak in at any point though.

Anyway, I just wanted to share & hopefully get some support or words of wisdom. Thanks for reading my long story.

stella27

Oh dear. Honey, do NOT bond him out and let him come home. You need to know that he is fed and clothed and not homeless. He is in jail because he violated his probation - NOT because you won't bond him out.

Please block his friend's phone calls and tell your husband that with the new baby and the young children, you just can't have his untreated alcoholic chaos in the house.

And start going to al-anon. Those ladies will know what you're experiencing and they will make you stronger.

dandylion

Dear MsAngel, You say that part of you knows that you need to leave him there; part of you wants to go save him and help him. In reality, you don't have the option of "saving and helping him", because that is not possible. You don't have the ability to do the impossible. Only he can help himself--it has to come from inside of him--and he doesn't look even close to being ready for that.

Resist taking a guilt trip on this---false guilt will only drag you down even further, right now.

Now is the time to learn about the nature of this disease that is in control of him --AND YOU. You can begin by reading the Sticky posts (permanent posts) at the top of this page. Think about going to alanon for the support that you are so badly in need of right now.

Things may look insurmountable to you---but, they aren't. Accept help from others that have walked in your same shoes. You WILL be able to work you way through all this. You are stronger than you think.

sincerely, dandylion

CompletelyLost4

Oh, MsAngel - I am so sorry for what you are going through! My last pregnancy was high-risk, and right now you need to be stress-free, not in the middle of this highly stressful situation. I understand the feeling that you need to "save" him, but only he can take care of himself. His own actions got him into this mess. I'm with the other suggestion that you should block the friend's calls. Maybe it is time for a permanent separation?

Take care of you and your children! We're all here to support you!

DreamsofSerenity

I know it's hard for you. It's even hard for me to say it but here goes : leave him in jail where he is safe, and you are safe from him. How on earth will bailing him out and trying to save him possibly make your life any easier? You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your responsibility is to raise your children and take care of your pregnant self without the craziness of an alcoholic poisoning your lives.

keepingmyjoy1

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I can only agree with leaving him where he is. The reason I feel this way is this:

He refused to even let me come home to get clothes, toys, or medicine. I ended up at the neighbors house in tears & the neighbors eventually called the police. The police helped me get my stuff and we stayed for the next week with my parents.


You and your children do not deserve to have a person in your home that would EVER do that to you.

Hang in there. Do what is best for you and your children, no matter what anyone says. It is OK to do that.

ShootingStar1

Take care, my dear. We are all here with you and for you. You need people who will support and love and care for you now, and unfortunately, your AH is not among them.

I'd say find as deep a support group as you can - family, friends, church friends, Alanon, and reach out to them.

Maybe being in jail will actually be the turning point for your AH. Maybe not. That is his journey.

ShootingStar1

Katiekate

Keep telling yourself the truth.

Nothing will change if you bail him out. There is a slim possibility that something might change if he sits in jail.

You are very strong, we are here and we care.

love to you Katie