Baby Due in 3 Weeks - Will He Be Sober?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 26
Baby Due in 3 Weeks - Will He Be Sober?
Well, it seems like the question of the year for me. Among all of the BS and alcoholism, it seems that I am bringing a new life into the world. I am due on June 5th and my husband is a still a very active alcoholic. I am petrified that he will be drunk when I go into labor. I had the same fear with my 17 month old son, but my A decided to be sober and go to AA at that time, and I trusted him much more. It makes me so sad to know that he gave up on all of that and even the impending birth of another child has not made him find his way back to it.
He absolutely can not contol himself lately, and I am trying to prepare for the worst. It does no good for me to be surprised by what he does anymore. I absolutely can not say to myself or anyone else "He would never do that to me", because he would, has, or will. He lies to me almost every day about something, not always drinking related, but usually. Yesterday, I was horrified to find out that he was drinking before my daughter's basketball practice, which he coaches. Not to mention that this is also a paid position, and he actually works at the place that he coaches at part-time, and he is around at least 100 parents throughout the night. Alcohol consumption is immediate grounds for firing. He has done this once or twice before, but I thought that he knew better. (HA!) He reeked of alcohol to me, alcohol and mint gum, and if I smelled it, I know there had to be someone else that did. The funny thing is that no one seemed to, just me.
But I never said anything to him, and tried not to take on the shame, guilt, and embarassment that he should be feeling for himself at what he had done. I have to keep reminding myself constantly, that I have not done anything wrong when he does these things. I always feel guilty and embarrassed for him. Why is that?
Anyway, I am wondering if I should even approach him in the morning when he is sober and express my concerns to him. About his drinking, and about the impending birth of our daughter. I wonder if I should ask him to cool it. I would really like to, but another issue right now is he has not taken his medication (antidepressants for Adult ADD) in about 2 weeks, and I can tell. His mood is really explosive and he is extremely offended at any little thing. I would like to talk to him about this as well.
What the hell is he thinking? He has a family and a child coming in three weeks and he is still behaving like this. Like a child. Refusing to take any kind of responsibility for himself and his behavior. Not taking or even attempting to get medication that is neccessary for his stability (I think that deep down he really believes that there is nothing wrong with him, this is why he does not take his medication). Drinking before work, not even work, but working with children and their parent. And Lying, Lying, Lying his head off to me at every turn.
It is too late for me to expect a great breakthrough before the baby is born. So I have mentally tried to form Plan A/Plan B for the birth of my child. An unspoken boundary that I have created for myself is that I refuse to have him anywhere near me if he has been drinking when I am in labor. He does not know this, but boy will he find out. I don't have many boundaries set with him, it does not work to tell him, because he just gets pissed off. In fact the only three that I can think of are: No drinking and driving with my children (he knows this one, but will try to challenge it when he is drinking), No sex when he has been drinking (he does not know this one, but I stick to it), and I want him no where near me if he has been drinking and I am in labor. I mean even one beer (he does not know about this one).
Does anyone have any advice or wisdom for me? I would really appreciate it, and not only that, it makes me feel good to know that people care (cheesy, I know). I am sitting here at 3:00 in the morning with the only friends I really have right now that I can talk to, you guys.
He absolutely can not contol himself lately, and I am trying to prepare for the worst. It does no good for me to be surprised by what he does anymore. I absolutely can not say to myself or anyone else "He would never do that to me", because he would, has, or will. He lies to me almost every day about something, not always drinking related, but usually. Yesterday, I was horrified to find out that he was drinking before my daughter's basketball practice, which he coaches. Not to mention that this is also a paid position, and he actually works at the place that he coaches at part-time, and he is around at least 100 parents throughout the night. Alcohol consumption is immediate grounds for firing. He has done this once or twice before, but I thought that he knew better. (HA!) He reeked of alcohol to me, alcohol and mint gum, and if I smelled it, I know there had to be someone else that did. The funny thing is that no one seemed to, just me.
But I never said anything to him, and tried not to take on the shame, guilt, and embarassment that he should be feeling for himself at what he had done. I have to keep reminding myself constantly, that I have not done anything wrong when he does these things. I always feel guilty and embarrassed for him. Why is that?
Anyway, I am wondering if I should even approach him in the morning when he is sober and express my concerns to him. About his drinking, and about the impending birth of our daughter. I wonder if I should ask him to cool it. I would really like to, but another issue right now is he has not taken his medication (antidepressants for Adult ADD) in about 2 weeks, and I can tell. His mood is really explosive and he is extremely offended at any little thing. I would like to talk to him about this as well.
What the hell is he thinking? He has a family and a child coming in three weeks and he is still behaving like this. Like a child. Refusing to take any kind of responsibility for himself and his behavior. Not taking or even attempting to get medication that is neccessary for his stability (I think that deep down he really believes that there is nothing wrong with him, this is why he does not take his medication). Drinking before work, not even work, but working with children and their parent. And Lying, Lying, Lying his head off to me at every turn.
It is too late for me to expect a great breakthrough before the baby is born. So I have mentally tried to form Plan A/Plan B for the birth of my child. An unspoken boundary that I have created for myself is that I refuse to have him anywhere near me if he has been drinking when I am in labor. He does not know this, but boy will he find out. I don't have many boundaries set with him, it does not work to tell him, because he just gets pissed off. In fact the only three that I can think of are: No drinking and driving with my children (he knows this one, but will try to challenge it when he is drinking), No sex when he has been drinking (he does not know this one, but I stick to it), and I want him no where near me if he has been drinking and I am in labor. I mean even one beer (he does not know about this one).
Does anyone have any advice or wisdom for me? I would really appreciate it, and not only that, it makes me feel good to know that people care (cheesy, I know). I am sitting here at 3:00 in the morning with the only friends I really have right now that I can talk to, you guys.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
2ndBest,
I don't see any harm in talking to him about it. Now harping on it is another thing but it sounds like you know that. A straight forward conversation about your concerns and your plan B may not change one thing but the worry about it will be off your mind.
On more thing...don't you think it sounds like he has a crash in his near future? Going off his meds and drinking at work, to me sounds like he is escalating toward a big wake up. We can always hope, can't we??
Hugs,
JT
I don't see any harm in talking to him about it. Now harping on it is another thing but it sounds like you know that. A straight forward conversation about your concerns and your plan B may not change one thing but the worry about it will be off your mind.
On more thing...don't you think it sounds like he has a crash in his near future? Going off his meds and drinking at work, to me sounds like he is escalating toward a big wake up. We can always hope, can't we??
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
(((((Not 2ndBest)))))
I would definitely have a Plan B and C in mind. Do you have a friend that can be with you in labor? I was my girlfriend's labor coach when she had her daughter and it was such a great experience.
I hope that he can stay clean and ends up being there for the birth of your child.
Big hugs my friend, we're here for you.
Gabe
I would definitely have a Plan B and C in mind. Do you have a friend that can be with you in labor? I was my girlfriend's labor coach when she had her daughter and it was such a great experience.
I hope that he can stay clean and ends up being there for the birth of your child.
Big hugs my friend, we're here for you.
Gabe
Paused
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: right here
Posts: 39
2nd best, I'm so sorry you've got this stress. There's never a good time, but boy the timing sure is rotten right now, isn't it? I just wanted to let you know I'm rooting for you. Let us know about your Plan B. Sounds like the best idea and as Gabe said, a Plan C as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MN
Posts: 103
just wanted to let you know you are not alone!! when I was preg. with my last child I was scared to death that he would be drunk when I went in to labor...I prayed everyday that I would go early in the morning or while he was at work (but before noon) .......well he was at work ..and he was sober when I gave birth ...THANK GOD...but then the 2 days I was in the hospital I am sure he had a 48hour binge as he didn't work and the other kids were taken care of by my family! just remember there is NOTHING you can do to control it...talk to him sure but don't EXPECT too much and keep your chin up! (BTW June 5 is a good day that is my last child's birthday!!)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: close to the FLAMES!!
Posts: 129
(((2nd best)))
I know how you're feeling right now. I had this same anxiety for each of my 4 children. Luckily, it turned out ok for me- I didn't have a drunk thinking he could come in w/ me to the hospital. Hospitals have policies anyways about not allowing it in the labour/delivery rooms.
Being pregnant and dealing with the bs of alcoholism is very stressful, probably the hardest and most stressful times of my life. It is a time when I should've just been able to enjoy having a new life growing in me, and yet every time there I was worried and stressed out beyond what I should've been if I wasn't pregnant.
Remember we are all here for you, night and day.
-SFG29
I know how you're feeling right now. I had this same anxiety for each of my 4 children. Luckily, it turned out ok for me- I didn't have a drunk thinking he could come in w/ me to the hospital. Hospitals have policies anyways about not allowing it in the labour/delivery rooms.
Being pregnant and dealing with the bs of alcoholism is very stressful, probably the hardest and most stressful times of my life. It is a time when I should've just been able to enjoy having a new life growing in me, and yet every time there I was worried and stressed out beyond what I should've been if I wasn't pregnant.
Remember we are all here for you, night and day.
-SFG29
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
2nd Best will he be sober?...
Sorry but my guess is, he will not be sober.
I do want to comment on the fact he has attended some AA meetings. He has been through those doors, that's the hard part. Then it seems that even a few meetings then spoils their drinking. So he prob might drink worse if possible after stopping meetings??? But sometimes they can't keep it up and go back to AA, Seems there might be a chance for you both as I believe getting through the doors of AA is one of the hardest steps to take.
Perhaps have a friend ready to go with you to hospital. Then off hand sorta tell him. that so and so will go in case he is at work. Manipulation sure. I think manipulation is fine if done for the right reasons.
Or just say nothing and have arrangements made.
No matter what is said to the practicing alcoholic, they can take it many diff ways, and we can be in a world of you know what.
Just my thoughts, You have to go with your gut feelings.
I am soo sorry you have to go through this. Hopeing for the best for you.
Clancy46
Sorry but my guess is, he will not be sober.
I do want to comment on the fact he has attended some AA meetings. He has been through those doors, that's the hard part. Then it seems that even a few meetings then spoils their drinking. So he prob might drink worse if possible after stopping meetings??? But sometimes they can't keep it up and go back to AA, Seems there might be a chance for you both as I believe getting through the doors of AA is one of the hardest steps to take.
Perhaps have a friend ready to go with you to hospital. Then off hand sorta tell him. that so and so will go in case he is at work. Manipulation sure. I think manipulation is fine if done for the right reasons.
Or just say nothing and have arrangements made.
No matter what is said to the practicing alcoholic, they can take it many diff ways, and we can be in a world of you know what.
Just my thoughts, You have to go with your gut feelings.
I am soo sorry you have to go through this. Hopeing for the best for you.
Clancy46
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Columbus Ohio
Posts: 20
You certainly need to talk to him. I was concerned about my husband too. I was in labor with my daughter, and he left for a cigarette and stayed gone over an hour, and came back drunk (he had to tell everyone at the pub, that we were having the baby- most likely to get free drinks), just let him know how you feel, it doesn't mean he'll stay sober - but at least you told him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Tartfest 2007
Posts: 831
Hi NOT 2nd Best!
I know you don't know me, you have no reason to trust me. However, you're here in SR, as am I, therefore, we do have a mutual interest.
I see that I am located in your area. If you'd like to PM me, please feel free to do so. If we're close enough by each other, I have NO problem being "on call" for hospital/kid duty. Maybe this is terribly Codie of me, offering help to a complete stranger but I can't imagine NOT having about 26 Plans, specifically A-Z when my A is unaccountable, labor is pending and there are other children who also need to be cared for.
I know you don't know me, you have no reason to trust me. However, you're here in SR, as am I, therefore, we do have a mutual interest.
I see that I am located in your area. If you'd like to PM me, please feel free to do so. If we're close enough by each other, I have NO problem being "on call" for hospital/kid duty. Maybe this is terribly Codie of me, offering help to a complete stranger but I can't imagine NOT having about 26 Plans, specifically A-Z when my A is unaccountable, labor is pending and there are other children who also need to be cared for.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
2nd Best,
I don't know if he'll be sober or not, but I do know it sounds as if he has a bottom coming with drinking at work and before coaching kids games.
Have plan B for yourself, a friend perhaps to plan on being there with you.
Ngaire
I don't know if he'll be sober or not, but I do know it sounds as if he has a bottom coming with drinking at work and before coaching kids games.
Have plan B for yourself, a friend perhaps to plan on being there with you.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Tucson Arizona
Posts: 28
I feel you.
Hey there,
I know exactly what you are going through.
I am expecting in about 10 weeks and have
been living at my moms because of the chaos.
My husband was wasted when he tried to show
up at the hospital after I gave birth to our first.
Security wouldn't let him in.
I guess he high centered the camaro over an island
and there was an announcement over the loud
speaker at the hospital. "Would the owner of the
yellow camaro please report to security..."
I smile now because it's the only way I knew
he knew about the birth.
Anyway, thinking that another child would certainly,
make him want to change his ways and me always having
dreams of having a boy and a girl are both wrong.
He is still in full force with his drinking although I think
that his intentions are more in line...
I think the most important thing to remember here
is safety for ourselves as well as our children.
I know exactly what you are going through.
I am expecting in about 10 weeks and have
been living at my moms because of the chaos.
My husband was wasted when he tried to show
up at the hospital after I gave birth to our first.
Security wouldn't let him in.
I guess he high centered the camaro over an island
and there was an announcement over the loud
speaker at the hospital. "Would the owner of the
yellow camaro please report to security..."
I smile now because it's the only way I knew
he knew about the birth.
Anyway, thinking that another child would certainly,
make him want to change his ways and me always having
dreams of having a boy and a girl are both wrong.
He is still in full force with his drinking although I think
that his intentions are more in line...
I think the most important thing to remember here
is safety for ourselves as well as our children.
Paused
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Fresno, ca
Posts: 17
I really hope you have a good labor. You need to keep your thoughts on yourself at this time. Be open with him so that at least you heve expressed your concerns and all that goes wrong is put on his shoulders as far as drinking is involved. Good luck
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