SolTraveler

I read on this forum a while back that once you leave an alcoholic or an addict that you should not date for a long while to get your head straight, and before you do, you should develop a list of criteria about what you are looking for to help make sure that you are not falling into the same trap.

So I wondered, were you to start over without your alcoholic SO, what would be your criteria? I have a feeling I may end up on my own and I am interested in what you all have to say.

Here is mine so far (keep in mind I am 36 and I have four kids - been around the block a time or five):

1. Financially stable/professional job like me. I want someone I can talk about work with who will understand what I do, etc. and I definitely don't want to be anyone's sugar mama. Been there, done that. Noooo thank you.

2. Either a normie or been in recovery for over one year and actively working some sort of program.

3. Must have been married before like me - my ABF has never been married and is a commitment-phobe. On top of that, he is very set in his ways from never having had to compromise about anything with a woman.

4. Must love animals but not be obsessive about his pets. (Again, this comes from ABF - so attached to his older dog that we must take him EVERYWHERE.)

5. Should have friends but must not have such a swinging social life that he prefers to go out instead of spending time with me/his family.

6. No sexual hangups. I swear I attract men with issues here.

7. Must love kids. That goes without saying, as I have 4 of them.

8. Has to have a good sense of humor and be spontaneous, like me.

9. Must have reasonable concern about his health - have a mostly healthy diet and take care of himself. (This is not so much about looks as it is I am tired of playing nursemaid to men who bring on their own health issues.)

10. Not a workaholic or have a night job or a job that takes him away for long periods of time. I know many fine men have these jobs, but it just doesn't match what I am looking for - I don't want to not see him for days and days on end if it becomes serious.

11. Must love to travel and try new things. This is a big part of my vacation time, and I want someone I can share that with.

12. Into sports is great, but not obsessive about any sport. I grow weary of always having to watch ESPN.


So anyway, what is your criteria?

DreamsofSerenity

I'm sitting here trying to respond to this and am really struggling. I guess I just don't believe that any man who would fit my hypothetical criteria would ever actually exist. Here it is anyway.

No mental illness whatsoever
No drinking
No smoking
No drugging
Exercises
Eats healthy
Practices yoga
Appreciates the arts
Is spiritual
Passionate about his career which is preferably in the arts
Travels
Intelligent
Tall, dark, handsome
Funny
Kind
Has either a French or Italian accent
Has little interest in sports
Spontaneous
Adventurous
Brave

lillamy

I would never go near an addict again, recovering or not. Not because I don't know amazing recovering addicts who make great companions - but they can be that for someone else. I know myself well enough to know that I would never relax if I was involved with an addict. I would always wait for the other shoe to drop.

Other than that, I don't believe in lists. I believe in trusting your instincts, looking for red flags, and listening to trusted friends' opinions.

I'm in a relationship with a man I have known pretty much forever. We both have abusive marriages behind us; we both have kids; we've both lost everything financially and lived on a shoestring because of our exes' excesses. We happen to value the same things, trust in the same God, and both realize that at our age, keeping ourselves healthy is important.

I wasn't looking. And if I had gone looking for all of those things, another man could have had all those same experiences and drawn different conclusions from them. And not been a good companion for me.

So I don't believe in lists of "must haves" as much as I believe in a list of "if you see this, run for the hills."

CompletelyLost4

I can't imagine ever dating again, just because my 4 boys take up so much of my time. . .but I would have to say:

1. A normie
2. Spiritual
3. Active - my boys are very active, and they would have loved just to play catch or shoot around.
4. Handy around the house - I am the only person who can change fuses, spackle . . .anything around here. If I ever date again, they better be Bob the Builder!
5. Of course - must love kids
6. Definitely no sexual hang-ups. . .Marriage to my AH was a nightmare in that aspect
7. Enjoys trips, doing things as a family, etc.

Recover53

I keep wondering what IS a long while. AW left last July. Nothing like over her yet, even though it was a nightmare with her.

DMC

I also find myself in a "new" relationship (well, several months now), without any red flags, and man, it's a relief. I also didn't really go looking, and he's someone I've known professionally for about 5 years. He was also burned badly in a divorce, and we had the "not doing it again without an ironclad prenup" discussion within the first date or two.

I dated a little about 6 months after my divorce was final (had been separated 18 months) and realized I was no where near ready. So now, 2+ years later, I finally felt like enough time had passed. That, and I was on the brink of becoming a crazy cat lady. And caught the bouquet and a friend's wedding, hence I was starting to get the "when the hell are you going to get back out there" vibes. So I gingerly started keeping my eyes open. It's sort of a long story, but so far, so good.

Anyway,
He's a normie.
Enjoys a glass of wine, but does not go overboard. And doesn't smoke.
He has 2 practically grown children, so doesn't feel the need to have more.
Keeps a spotless home
Has a dog
Has a job, and is actively furthering his career
Phenomenal cook - and enjoys it!
Handy around the house (has already repaired several broken switches and installed some ceiling fans!)
Wants to travel
Values health and exercise

There's more. I didn't really set out with a list in mind (although my sister did many years ago, and we've joked about the "can fix small appliances" clause for decades. And yes, her husband can do that) but I think I got really lucky. It's an incredible feeling to be cherished. Which is something I hadn't felt from my XAH in a LONG time.

wiscsober

I would definitely agree writing down criteria...perfect sense.

Though I'm not in a relationship nor pursuing any...it was very helpful for me to do a 4/5 and take care of the 8th and work on 9th steps.

Both in AA and Alanon

I just think I am a changed person since many years after a failed engagement.

BoxinRotz

MMMMMMmmmmmmmmm....

My next relationship will involve me falling inlove.....

laurie6781

Whoa. Back the truck up!

First off, I would suggest what was suggested to me by both my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor:

Live with yourself for 1 year minimum. Learn about you. What you like, what you dislike. Learn to like yourself and then love yourself.

Well my 1 year took 3 years, rofl but I sure was very comfortable with me by then! I did like myself. I did love myself. And I was not lonely when I was alone with me!

I also was noticing things, like the folks that I was drawing to me, both male and female were more 'stable folks', were in tune with themselves. Were fun to be around, etc What took a bit for me to understand was that I was drawing folks to me that were more like me .................................... on the inside.

Then it started to make sense. All I would have drawn to me were other folks that were as sick as I was after we separated and then divorced. Lord help me, I sure hadn't wanted that!

By taking care of ME first. Getting ME healthy on the inside, I didn't need a 'list' of what I wanted or expected in the next person I dated. that list you made is a GIVEN for me. didn't need to make a list. I was able to instinctively know about a person, usually on the first encounter, yet alone a 'date'. My 'instincts' were back!!! My 'gut' was working!.

I also came to realize along about the end of year 1 that I DIDN'T NEED A 'HIM' ON MY ARM TO FEEL COMPLETE! I was the only one who could make ME happy and I was the only one who could make ME sad. Having a 'him' would just be a 'bonus' to the way I was now living my life!

So, instead of worrying about what you do or do not want in maybe another SO how about working on YOU now!! Whether you stay or go, whether he stays or goes, you have to decide what YOU want for YOU. Learn about you, figure you out, either with a therapist, Alanon, some other recovery program or all of the above, time now is for you to work on you! In time you will become 'comfortable' with who YOU are and who YOU are not.

Then and only then might it be suggested that now it might be time to maybe, just maybe think about what you might like to see in a partner.

All in time my friend, but first please make yourself whole!

Love and hugs,`

PS: And no, I did not listen to my own advice after my SO died from a massive heart attack just about 4 years ago. I blindly, 3 years ago, went into a relationship with my 'first love' (hadn't seen or spoken to him in 43 years) kept my blinders on so I ignored the 'red flags' and 10 months into the 'new/old' relationship was a mass of quivering jello. Then had the courage to say 'no more' and once again, got back to 'my basics'. Today I am close to 'whole' again, and my friends tell me they see the differences in me. My health is again better, I am smiling a lot, again, my grand kids tell me they like 'this grandma better', lol and I feel comfortable inside, with that 'hole' in my gut closed, hopefully for good this time!

akalacha

Six months after my breakup with my A (we had been living apart for a year before that) a friend introduced me to someone. We became friends and I wanted to keep it at that. I had a list in my head of qualities that I wanted in a man, but really felt more like lilamy - "if you see this, run for the hills." Even though he isn't artistic, or passionate about music (two things on my mental list) he has many other good qualities-active, adventurous, likes to travel, likes to cook,etc. And the big one-he treats me with respect and affection. I didn't see any red flags and slowly found myself feeling more than friendship for him. He felt the same. So I found someone without looking, when I thought I didn't want a romance in my life. Its only been a few months, but so far so good. I think having a list of things you want in a person is fine, but it may help to be a little flexible with the list too.

deeker

He must Love God first and foremost and then me and the kids. Everything else will then work itself out. No more expectations but acceptance for who he is. If he does those first two things, we will be ok.

SolTraveler

Oh yes - I completely agree. COMPLETELY. This is just hypothetical. If it doesn't work out with ABF (and chances are good that it will not - gotta be honest) I have four kids aged 12, 7, 3, and due in August, plus a house to maintain, a full time job, and freelance work that sometimes approaches full time. I have no time to even begin to think of meeting anyone until youngest is in school five years from now.

But I also know that people have a way of popping out of the woodwork when you least expect it, so it would help me personally to have a list. I like lists.

There is definitely a list of red flags too, for sure. But we have a separate thread for that one on this board.

Chris1000101

It’s been 2 1/2 years since my divorce was final. Yes, I’m starting over but I’m learning to be comfortable and content with myself first.

Normie – no such thing, everyone has issues of some sort. I have to ask myself, can I accept her for who she is knowing that as life goes on there will be changes?

Common interests are nice but is she someone that stimulates growth in me (mentally and spiritually)?

Over 2-3 years as I get to know her, is she consistent with what she says and does?

Bluegalangal

If I got the chance to start over, I would want someone who wasn't negative all the time... Someone who was positive at least some of the time. You know? And someone who didn't live in fear of life.

Thanks for this. I've been thinking about it a lot the past few days.

LaTeeDa

Someone once told me to make a list of everything you want in a partner--then set out to become that person. Good advice.

L

AnvilheadII

I dunno...if someone had handed me the hank handbook (724 pages) when he and I met 11 years ago, i'm not so sure I would have signed up. now mind you we are good today, we have a good life - but my christ is this man a handful!!!! and then there was the whole crack addiction part.

take tonite for instance...amazing run of weather, 84, which is HOT for seattle on may 6....hank's running around in shorts, no shirt, decides he HAD to take the kayak out...thinks at first he will take della rose, the American bulldog with him....now she does love to swim...however, she has this thing about the kayak, as in it.must.die.....he has her floatie thing on and says, here tess, you hold her back, i'll get in the kayak and paddle out a ways...9Much like when years ago he said, here tess, come sit with me in the hammock I just hung....only it didn't hold TWO so well - queue me sumersalting backwards into the weeds...yeah, go ahead and laugh!)

mind you, della is 120# and VERY excited..i'm barefoot at the lake edge, she yanks once, twice and i'm like either let got or go face first in the water. she ATTACKS the front handle thingamig of the kayak for all she's worth, in about 4 feet of water. I have to wade out, grab the back toggle and pull the kayak back in.

we get the dogs inside, distracted, and out he goes AGAIN to go paddle around in the kayak. comes back, 30 or so minutes later and announces he dropped his glasses in the lake. he wears reading glasses (far sighted) and had them on top of his head, went to grab them and plunk they went.

i'm like why did you need glasses on the lake? there are no SIGNS to read!!! it's just not that big of a lake!!! no shipping lanes, barges, float planes....

now here's the deal...hank can't see well enough to do stuff like drive or work without the glasses....which means he also is in no shape to go get new ones. who does this leave? MOI. when it's registering 82 in my car, and it's 6pm and in full commute.

AWESOME. walmart? nope, only 3.00 (he requests 3.50), rite aid? nope, they only have 3.00. safeway? aha, 3.25, this will HAVE to do! not a huge selection, but hey, I ain't wearin' em!!! hehehe

as I stood there in the checkout line, griping about my husband going kayaking and losing his glasses, she the checker, in all of her 22 or so years of wisdom, said.....well at least he was being active!!!! yeah, yeah, he was god bless him.

my point is we can have a subset of qualities and attributes that we would like to see in a potential partner, but OVER TIME, everybody changes...everybody has STUFF.

oh dear god...he's now got the propane powered weed burner going out back...thank goodness he can SEE! (somebody grab a bucket of water, just in case, ok???? LOL).

SolTraveler

Anvilhead - you crack me up!!!

sunnshinegirl

If I ever manage to extricate myself from my AH, I'm not going to look for a relationship. I'm going to concentrate on myself, my family and my friends. I think I need a relationship with myself that is free from drama.

velma929

Extricated via spousal demise.

New person:

handy around the house.
Pays bills on time
likes the cats
no drug problems
can fix a palatable meal.
plans for kayaking, camping.

Now, New Beau isn't "man beautiful." He's overweight. He's not what most would think of as handsome, though he's awfully cute in his own way. He doesn't do ballroom dancing, (and won't be, he has a leg deformity). He doesn't make a lot of money, and has room mates to help pay the way.

I draw the line at drinking and drug abuse, and not working. If a fellow is retired, that's okay. But the ones who answer my ads saying they don't work...sorry, they lose. If a person with Down's Syndrome is working at Walmart, then anyone who answers a Craig's List ad could be taking some steps to support himself besides sitting on the couch collecting disability.

raku

"Free from 'drama' is not a possibility...there is always drama in one's life, and in another's drama..I am 60, and have been through my own dramas and other's....it is part of life !
Life is not a pre-cussor for the next life....or the next relatioship you may have with another person..it is what it is...a crappy relationship with an aloholic does not pre-determine the future ! But it does want you to make a list of what you may want from a future companion...in my experience, whether you make the list on paper, or it's in your intuition,....what does matter is if you can put those expectations on yourself...if you can, that's great.......live it then ! Just don't put those expectations on another person.

Cindy