Baya

My boyfriend whom I love dearly is in treatment by choice and then moving on to a halfway house. I know this is what it will take to save his life. What I am personally struggling with is detaching myself and staying sane. I knew when I became involved with him he was an alcoholic. He never hid that. On Tuesday I received a voice message from him he sounded amazing laughing. Joking and so loving. He reminded me if how much he loved and missed me and he was really working the program because he wants to be healthy for the children and I. By Thursday I receive a letter that was written like I were his neighbor not the woman he loved. Basically can you do this get this and deliver it to me. This lead me to think this is why they say you should not have a relationship while in recovery. So I told him I thought this was more than I should deal with right now it has created too may unhealthy insecurities for me. I cried the remainder of the visit when he said he loved me as he hugged my goodbye i froze and said nothing. When I got to my car I knew I couldn't leave things this way I called the nursing station and was able to speak to him and tell him I love him.!
Now I'm more co fused than ever do I leave him alone? Send him letters he has mentioned the comfort they offer. The only thing I know for sure is I love him, and I believe he loves me.

Hammer

You are correct -- from an outside, (somewhat) sane perspective (meaning us) -- rehab and the results -- especially during and for at least a couple months after is a NUTTY, NUTTY place.

Even the T's that work that field seem about half-a-bubble off from my experience (again from the outside/partner side). Whole process yields some mighty nutty results. About 140 days back and Mrs. Hammer is only about 2/3 glued back together -- just my perspective -- and now she has taken on a job being a T in a rehab center. Suppose "all thing work together for good," and maybe someone fresh out can connect better to those still in. Dunno.

But back to you -- It is Not Your Rehab = Not Your Problem. You have kids to take care of? I just call mine/ours the #1 Priority. We have three kids to raise and none of them are named Mrs. Hammer.

Baya

Hammer he has two children as do I. His kids are with his ex-wife. We are not married and the only thing keeping us together is love. Or insanity. Most if the time I can not find the division.

petmagnet

Baya,

I went through the whole rehab thing with my AH, about 7 months ago. The one thing you need to try to remember as the Alcoholic is going thru rehab, they are detoxing and their brain is pretty messed trying to cope with he things it hasn't had to cope with in a long while, such as emotions, problems, and their own guilt. I hate to say it, but it is a rollercoaster of good days, and not so good as they get their bearings, and it can go on for a very long time. He may say and do LOTS of things that seem odd, or out of character. Add in your own insecurities to the mess and your will find recovery is a very rocky road. But, if you love him, and he loves you, and you don't doubt that, you can make it through, if he is committed to his recovery, and you learn what to do as his SO to both help him and yourself and children. Go to an alanon meeting where others are experienced in it, or going thru it currently, if the rehab facility offers a family program utilize it, keep reading here- it all helps. I wish you the best.

Tuffgirl

I would kindly suggest that you focus on this above. It is quite a profound statement.

And don't worry about what he is doing/saying/feeling like in rehab. Stop trying to read between the lines with his behavior; it isn't going to make sense right now.

marie1960

Baya, as you stated, he is struggling to save his life.

This is not going to happen overnight. If he is serious about his recovery, HE has alot of work to do.

I can only suggest you take a step back and allow him to work his program. The best you can do for yourself right now is seek out your own support system.

Have you been to Al Anon?

If he remains committed to his program, he is going to be very busy in the upcoming year, which equals less time for you.

Remember, he is fighting for his life here, I would leave him to his own agenda.

Baya

I have attended al-anon and reading your comments are so very helpful. This is my first time going through this and I am learning more each day. He came home for one night after detox and when he did he was amazing in my uneducated brain I thought he was sober now it would all be uphill. Boy was i wrong. You have helped me see that he os on a roller coaster ride that has only one seat and I need to let him ride and basically show my love by waiting when the ride ends. Giving him the space he may not even realize he needs. To fully embrace his recovery.