minisauros

Broke up and stopped contact about a month ago, she found an email I don't have blocked and started in with the familiar i'm sorry's, etcs. Says she'll do whatever it takes... So do I respond with please get help and go back to treatment? Or is it pointless? The caring person in me wants to tell her to get help but not attach any conditions to it, the alanon side is saying there's no point saying anything... I've seen her start treatment/aa so many times now and there's always some damn excuse to not go eventually. I don't think this time will be any different. But i'm still on the fence, there's that stupid little part of me that thinks maybe if I say something it will make a difference...

marie1960

She knows what she needs to do.

if she truly want help she will seek it out for herself.


Personally, I would not respond.

FeelingGreat

I agree with Marie. It's actions, not words that count, and you're at risk of getting tangled up again.

lillamy

Any reply you give her is evidence that you still care, that you weren't serious about the no-contact, and that she has the all-clear to keep contacting you.

neferkamichael

Everytime somebody here creates a thread saying I can't do, we all post yes you can, yes you can. It's not AA, Alanon, or even SR that helps people, it's the human beings, the caring person in us that helps an addict.

noanxtime

From the outside looking in- the fact that she probably tried your blocked emails before she got to the one that didn't bounce, almost stalker-like. Clearly the NC isn't being respected by her and she needs to have you get sucked into her BS so she can start all over again with her enabler - you (or used to enable). How much easier it would be if only you would take her back. You're her easy comfort zone and she doesn't have to try very hard with someone 'new' who may or may not put up with the crazy crap she can dish out.
I would delete her msg and not answer, I would also cancel the working email she used if you can. Or block her email from the server depending on your ISP provider.
Sounds like she is trying to 'reel' you in again.
Be strong.

Seren

Perhaps if it would help you feel better, a compromise. Reply that you hope she will one day seek out the help she needs....

....then block her from that last e-mail as well.

minisauros

I didn't really tell her about the no contact thing, It's just something i've seen work and be recommended by other people.

I'm at a weak point obviously since I still get a little heartbroken thinking about talking to her again.

Hammer

. . . and/or keeps enabling the A . . . .

death (for all) by caring.

Strange way to go.

Recovering2

The fact that your emotions are firing again with this email tells you to stay No Contact. You haven't even responded, and you're a little heart broken. Do your heart a favor. Stay with your NC, and leave her to her Higher Power.

SolTraveler

I agree.

Hopeworks

In my own life I had the same dilemma... deep caring for an A that had not broken up with alcohol yet would parrot recovery talk and quack like Donald Duck...

I told him that IF... IF... he pursued authentic, verifiable real recovery and stayed sober for one year I would consent to a date in a foreign exotic land if he paid ALL the expenses. One drink and I was out of there (vacations are a trigger for him). Any relapse, 1 drink and it reset the clock. That was over a year ago and he has only managed to string together 4 months at a time before picking up and going haywire.

I blocked his phone calls but he did text me however I did not allow any texts to get into personal areas and when he was quacking or drunk simply sent him the contact info for AA Las Vegas where he is currently gambling and pickling his liver.

After the 3rd relapse and nothing but recovery talk from me I got old I guess and he must have swapped me off (I kept encouraging this) as his texts have drifted off to never!

It is not textbook alanon and not for everybody but it was perfect for me in my own recovery...I know that I know that I know that I was a positive force in his life and he definitely chose alcohol knowing HOW to work a recovery program successfully.... he drinks because he WANTS to!

He is on the road to death... and while that saddens me I am truly at peace with his choice to do this to himself. And I am at peace with my choice to extend positive contact until he chose to end it.

Probably not a good plan for the majority but for some... in certain circumstances it might be helpful. IN my case I was in Alanon for 3 years and counseling for 4 years with him and informed and educated... however... still a bit sick and stubborn!

Hope that helps somebody struggling with boundaries and no contacts... they are ours to draw in the sand and we can change them as our own growth and life changes.. they are for US!