spirit

this is a very brave and honest thread!!

fortunately my partner is not the drinker/problem in our house, it is me. sexually we are fine, my biggest problem is that i get really freaked out about woman he works with and that comes into the bedroom, i hate that when i do that, cant get her out of my head, blah blah.

the other thing i hate is when i blackout during sex, i think that is why i am going to really stop drinkinng, it is pathetic to say 'did we have sex last night?" how embarrasing, not very pleasant for him i am sure. (but we do have good sex and make love too, very different things)

i cannot believe some of the things you girls have had to put up with, said and done to you by your drunk partners. i was thinking "how could that happen etc etc" then i remembered some drunken nights, ex partners etc, and that feeling of being used, raped etc, it is horrible horrible.

tootired i cannot believe what he said about your taste, that is evil, the smell/taste of a woman can be beautiful, dont ever let him say that to you again!!! even on our worst days we might only smell like fish haha not taste like sour milk!!!!!! tell him to shove that up his a....! god if he had said that to me i would have sat on his face and drowned him haha (sorry too much information i know haha)

anyway girls, remember we are sadly not alone.

what a great thread.

dan dont apologise for visiting, i think that is a good thing, maybe guys could give us some ideas on how to manage the impotent or alternatively the rabid and drunken partner.

hugs all
kath

Magichappens

I have never been with anyone but alcoholics and addicts, some recovering and some not. I am learning in therapy that sexual intimacy is a challenge in ALL relationships, not just ours. Our culture has given us twisted and unattainable illusions of what sex should be. I have had to dig deep to find the root of my own sexual problems. Therapy and inventory have helped me to seperate the physical act of sex with the other intamacy needs I have. If physical gratification was all I was looking for, I can take care of that ( G rated). The other intimacy issues are the challenge. Those are the ones that others must fulfill for us. I have redefined my relationship with my husband based on what he is capable of, not what I determine he should be capable of. I had to realize that I can't fulfill all of his needs either. This is the challenge that all people face in a committed relationship. Our expectations excede the capability of our partner. Therefore it is my expectations that are the problem, and demanding they be met is not the solution. Some needs I can meet from others. Some are not appropriate to be met by others. Some needs that I thought could only be met by someone else can actually be met by my own inner nurturing. This is a sensitive area to explore, since one of the core teachings from my youth was that sex, wanting it, exploring it, and seeking it, was bad, a sin. I was shunned for something that was a natural part of my being. Blaming others for my pain in this area was my only option for most of my life. Learning to let go of my old thinking and accept that part of me as natural and God given was the first step in recovering in that area. Once again the Alanon idea of learning to look within instead of outside for answers to the pain in my soul has helped me to heal. I can't say that I am complete in this area. Old lessons die hard. But my spiritual journey includes that sexual and intimate part of me. And so the journey continues......
Hugs, Magic

Lorelai

(((Dan))) - I think you were brave to jump in the middle of this. We're not ignoring you - just venting, venting, venting. Hot topic among us apparently. Please feel free to jump in here anytime. I, for one, find a point of view from "the other side" enlightening.

Great points, Magic. I can always use a reminder to focus on me - no matter what.

Great thread - L

Gooch

Well since Dan was brave enough.....

I am in the best relationship I have ever had. I've been clean for 13 years, my so is clean from booze and dope for 8 years. I try and work a halfway diligent program., including meetings, sponsorship, and my social network is predominantly through the fellowship and or friends who are into motorcycles. She also loves bikes but suffers from anxiety/panic disorder, and is doing counceling and meds for her condition. Before we got together we were friends for 3 years through correspondance, chat, and telephone calls. We supported each other as friends in our recovery and there was never any thing more than good natured flirting.

Last May she lost someone very dear to her a week after her dog died. I did my best to be there for her as a friend and help her get through her double whammy and it wound up that we met for coffee on one of her trips through the area. She started to come to visit on weekends in July. She had a crappy job and worked with a bunch of drunks, and during a visit in August, she remarked she didn't want to go back to work. I told her she didn't have to and she stayed. After a few weeks we went and got her things, and she moved here.

Our physical intimacy started in August and ended in Sept. It seems it was right after she had a recurrence of the anxiety/panic disorder and began meds for it again.
I wouldn't trade a minute of the emotional intimacy we share for a month of physical intimacy. I never would have believed I could find this much joy and companionship without sex being part of the equation. I wasn't overjoyed about sexual abstinance, and I am not bound to it.. the 3 M's apply here. ( G rated) In that this is my friend and preserving that and the trust we have, monogomy seems to be an unnegotiable requirement.. ( I've negotiated it in my mind and theres no way around it.. theres nothing that could relieve suffering or undo the damage to either of us that would allow me to stray. There are times when having a conscience is a mixed blessing .. not really .. my disease tells me that ).

I have moments of discouragement, I'm human...

I also trust that this has been a wake up call from my higher power and more will be revealed.

I've learned that the most important part of a relationship and the definition of love (for me) is "the nurturing and advocacy of anothers spiritual growth, which includes wanting the very best for them even when you can't be a part of it" This has become my universal mantra for my process of expressing love.

I learned this through a previous relationship with a wonderful partner who helped walk me through so many issues with lust, selfishness, pride, and jealousy and taught me that friendship, love, and sex could exist simultaneously in a non committed relationship and honesty and compassion were the greatest liberators.

I've also learned that the value in any relationship exists in the moment, and if I cherish the moment and give the best I have, the outcome will take care of itself.

All I can really offer on the topic of sex in an addictive relationships is that its never been satisfactory when I've been using or been with somebody that was using.

Gabe

Gooch, you have wowed me once again.
Love ya buddy.
Gabe

best

OK Gooch now you went and did it.
seems a dust storm just enter the room and I have something in my eye.

Our HP does do wonders in our lives that I am never suprised with but always in awe of.


And now Ladies
Today I heard on the radio (Dr James Dobson show) Focus on the Family... He had Dr Luara on and her words yelled out such truth.

You may be able to listen at the website.... www.family.org

I wouldn't do it justice trying to quote her here. Would be worth the listen I am sure.

spirit

hey gooch that was awesome, that intimacy thing is the hardest thing to get cause it does require trust and once that is damaged, it is a very very hard journey back, drinking or not drinking!

when i first stopped drinking (or first attempts) i joked that it was so i could see what he was up to haha, now i wish i couldnt. at least when i am drinking, all the bad stuff about it goes away, but then when i am drunk i evidently go crazy at him about things, i can never remember (ironic joke) - maybe he makes it up cause he knows i cant remember stuff, haha, never thought of that.

he isnt doing anything wrong at the moment, but we have got into a trap where i am suspicious of everything, and he keeps sneaking or lying. he says he has to cause i go off at him cause i see shadows where there arent any etc, so he has to hide things. not sure i agree with this but, that is where we are at.

so good to see the lesson of intimacy can be learnt!! we have great sex etc but just not great trust.

cheers
kath

Pony

Gooch, that was great! Thanks for sharing, truely inspirational to know that a relationship can survive without that actual sex, but the intimacy is what makes it work......whatever you define as "your intimacy" as an indivdual thing! What you share with each other makes it work for you all.