Newlook3

Hi, I have been reading the posts on here to try to understand the situation I am in and didn't realise I was until recently. I have been with my ABF for 13 years but we don't live together, probably because of his drinking and mood swings if I'm honest. When we met we were both in our 20s and went out drinking socially, I knew he could drink a lot but didn't see it as a problem until we had a couple of jealous outbursts, one of which resulted in the police being called as his behaviour was scaring me and my daughter. After that he said he wouldn't drink anymore but of course he has. Fast forward 13 years and its 2 weeks since he went to the local pub and didn't get back when expected and I just snapped. The usual pattern happened, the next day he was angry and nasty then a couple of days of sorry but I haven't relented, in the hope that he would get help. He is depressed and on antidepressants but still drinking and it's gotten worse since Christmas, most of it I don't see as he is in the forces so can do it on camp. He doesn't drink much during the week at the moment having had some depression counselling but seems to be going on benders at weekends.

He calls me boring and no personality, which again is partly true as I stopped going out because of the rows. We met yesterday for a coffee and to talk, I talked, told him how I felt and he said little. After he texted me saying he is sure I will be fine and that he will never be a 'good egg' and now I can't stop crying. He is surrounded by people to socialise with due to his job but I have a small circle of friends all in relationships so feel so lonely. I just want him to feel sad and lonely and hurt like I am. I wanted him to say he would get help as he loved me but there was none of that, he didn't even acknowledge his drinking being a problem, he said he felt like I didn't love him as I never wanted to come near him (not true but I did avoid sex if he had been drinking). He just seems to want to go drinking and have sex and that's all. I want love and support and respect and he won't see that. I just can't stop crying and don't know how to stop feeling like this.

dandylion

Dear Newlook3, it sounds like you are coming to some realization that the relationship is not giving you what you want the most from it.

As heartbreaking as this is for you--the bottom line is that he either can't or is unwilling to give it to you. Add alcohol to the mix--means that the drink comes first--above everything--even the closest relationships. It is typical alcoholic behavior to blame-shift. To blame the person who comes between the alcoholic and their drink (or anything else that they want).

After a while, living with alcoholism (or any abusive behavior), it changes US. We start to become that person that we don't want to be.

We are not meant to live like this. We deserve happiness as much as the alcoholic does.

You can't change him. The only thing you can do is realize the value of your self and help your self. You can't look to him for this help---you will be soo disappointed, if you do.

We will stand by you. Alanon is there to help you. If you haven't---start by reading the Sticky Posts at the very top of this page.

sincerely, dandylion

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the pain you are feeling. I hope you will continue to share, read and vent when needed. This is a wonderful place of support and information.

I can understand the pain you are feeling now. In my case, I was leaving my alcoholic husband of 14 years. I thought we were the perfect match. I had given of myself completely to the relationship. I was powerfully attached to my relationship and my partner. Removing myself from that attachment was painful. In hind-sight, I can now see that my attachment to him and the relationship was unhealthy. At the time, I just know it hurt like hell.

In fact, the pain was comparable to the pain I felt at the death of my parent. I learned through reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that loss of relationships can be similar to the loss due to death. We still go through the stages of grieving. In her book, Melody describes the stages of grief. I also benefited from reading that book because it helped me to address my codependent tendencies that kept me stuck in an unhealthy relationship, and why I felt I kept giving giving giving and he kept taking.

I agree with Dandylion that you are becoming aware of how the dynamics of this relationship are leaving you wanting. It is an awareness that can help you through the process of recovery. That is a good thing, but extremely painful.

Please be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to accept and grieve. Let us know how we can help.

Maylie

It is very painful when we realize that we are completely dedicated to a relationship and that we are the only one putting in the effort. Alcoholics are not capable of being in a healthy relationship. He is selfish, irrational, and he puts alcohol ahead of everything, including you and his own health/sanity. The urge to get drunk is life-consuming and it leaves no room for love, commitment, dedication, etc.

He is not going to tell you that he loves you so much he will quit because when it comes down to it he loves alcohol more. If he ever decides to quit he needs to quit for himself because he is going to need to might for it harder than anything else he has ever fought for and therefore he can't quit for anyone besides himself.

You need to put yourself first and figure out what you want out of life and work towards that. Just as the alcoholic has to accept that he or she cannot drink, you need to accept that you will never be happy with him in your life. Acceptance can be a very hard thing to obtain, but one you do the rewards are endless. He has told you that he is a bad egg, believe him. He is flat out telling you that he does not want to change. Sitting around hoping for him to change is only going to eat at you until there is nothing left.

You are important and you deserve to be happy. You are not boring with no personality, he has just sucked the joy out of you. That joy is not gone forever though, it will come back once you stop torturing yourself in this endless cycle of chaos and disappointment.

Reach out and get a support system. You do not need to go through this alone, I am sure there are people in your life that love you and want you to be happy and you always have all of us here at SR. Join some groups like yoga, art classes, religious groups, literally anything to get you out of the house and making friends. Be easy on yourself and pamper yourself, you can get through this and rediscover who you are. Happiness and love is out there, but he is not the person that is going to give you that.

Newlook3

Thank you for your replies. I know it is very early days so I am going to feel low just didn't realise how low. I've been working today and now face an evening in alone, the sun is shining and I know he is at a BBQ getting drunk and having fun and it cuts me up. I couldn't even face socialising at the moment but he really couldn't care less. Maybe my situation is different from many of you as I'm starting to believe he actually may have wanted out of the relationship for sometime and ALSO has a drink problem. It seems that the things he hated about me only came out when he had been drinking but the things he said were very different from the early rows when he obviously wanted me still. He stated everything revolved around my daughter, I was boring, has aged 10 years (even though we have been together 13!) but the early rows were all around his jealousy so perhaps I am kidding myself that it is just the drink that was the issue. I know it affected the person I am now but also just maybe he no longer loves the person I have become. I am 44 years old but I think he wants someone to go out drinking with and just have fun all the time, real life is too boring for him. The drinking has affected me a lot more than him I think. Maybe he is having a mid life crisis also! I think I'm just sad that I feel like I mean nothing to him and have wasted the last 13 years. And my confidence is rock bottom......

dandylion

Alcoholics that began drinking in their teens often have not progresed in their maturity level as they might have if sober. Adult level responsibility and activities are frequently boring to them. They still reside in the world of immediate gratification (all the time) and
PARTY HEARTY!!!!! Your adult-level lifestyle likely feels like a millstone around his neck!!

Forget about the mid-life crisis theory---he hasn't left the early adult life crisis yet!!

sincerely, dandylion

Newlook3

Dandylion, your post really struck a chord with me, that is so true. Although he has a job in the Forces he is infact 'looked after' very well by them and doesn't have the same worries I have such as mortgage, utilities and a daughter in the middle of exams. He is forty and has nothing, no savings, no house, just his car. He spends all his money on having a good time with no consequence as to whether or not his bills have all been paid. He has 2 children from his marriage that he pays for but does very little else for and no responsibilities as such, yet trust me he has 'so much **** going on' he doesn't need any aggro from me. Excuse the language. The more I think about what you have said the more it makes sense. Every Christmas he has no money saved as though its caught him by surprise! If I dare comment it's always 'it's my money I will do what I like with it' which is true I guess. Maybe now I'm out of the picture he will turn his life around, he said when drunk that if we split up he could get on with his life and sort himself out...blaming me again??

Maylie

He prob. did want out of the relationship, but he wanted out because he didn't want someone to get in the way of his drinking. It has nothing to do with the person you are, it simply has to do with he doesn't want someone telling him not to drink. He has one love, alcohol, and anything that gets in his way of getting drunk is a threat to his one love and is seen as the enemy. It is nothing personal, even though I know it is hard not to take it that way.

dandylion

OH, NewLook, your description will likely ring familiar with a majority of people on this board. Naturally, they blame us---you wouldn't expect them to take responsibility for their own life circumstances, would you? That would look too much like taking personal responsibility (LOL).

I believe you are having a grief reaction (normal) over the awareness that you are not getting what you had planned on from the relationship. It is similar to experiencing a death--it is the death of a dream. It will not last forever!!

sincerely,dandylion

marie1960

These days I pay attention to how others treat their family, the server at a restaurant, animals, and complete strangers. I can learn alot about a person's true character.

So this guy does not have a relationship with his kids. What does that tell you?

I am sorry that you are hurting, but the writing has been on the wall for a long time, for whatever reason you choose to ignore it. I am not judging or attacking, just an observation of your words.

The good news is, you do have choices and options. This is not the end of the line for you. It may be the end of this chapter in your life, and yes, break-ups are painful, and yes, you may presently feel like a basket case, but I can assure you with some time and distance you can get yourself back on track. you just have to keep telling yourself " I deserve love, honesty, truth, peace, and joy"

Better days are ahead, my friend

Newlook3

Thank you, your words and thoughts mean a lot. I know I'm grieving, I had plans for us and yes I did choose to ignore a lot of it for a long time, something I may always regret. We are still in contact of sorts, the odd text, but I think I am crying so much because deep down I know I cannot go back to how it was. I cannot go back to dreading finishing work on a Friday because I knew he would be down to where I live mid afternoon and have been up the pub with his drinking buddies, not knowing what mood he would be in, walking on eggshells all the time. Spending a Saturday night waiting to start dinner for when he got back from the pub, normally later than he said. Seeing my daughter leave the room as soon as he came in. I'm starting to see how exhausting it all was in a really subtle way. It sort of crept up on me, for years I got cross, stayed cross for a few days then forgave. The pattern just continued and became my normal I think. It will take time I know, it's just at the moment the loneliness feels worse than him being here.

marie1960

Have you considered ending all contact with this guy?

For me, it was necessary to terminate the chit chat.

When there is a declaration of war on a country, one of the commanding general's first orders, is eliminate/destroy all communication of the opposition. Think about it? Time for you to go into self preservation mode.

He will continue to suck you back in as long as you allow it.

May i ask, exactly what do you still have to talk about with him?

Newlook3

Marie1960, it's 4.50am and I've woken up and can't get back to sleep. I don't know why I still have contact with him... We haven't officially broken up but that is down to him playing me I guess and making sure I'm there for him. Perhaps I wasn't quite ready to walk away, was maybe calling his bluff. After the last incident, that wasn't really that bad but I flipped, he said sorry and offered for us to go away this weekend but I said no, he said he didn't want to pressure me and that he knew it would take time or maybe not work at all. He was away fishing last week, he made first contact and although I replied I didn't enter into conversation so he didn't contact again, it was me who then asked to meet up for coffee to discuss things. It didn't really sort anything and he now seems colder than before, just saying that he is a bad egg and its down to me to decide if I want him. The contact since has been minimal, I guess I want him to be wanting me or missing me, hurting like I am because he said I clearly dont love him as I don't want him to stay over. I'm awake, just wanting him to be here but I really don't think he cares anymore and perhaps I didn't see that coming.

marie1960

Sorry, perhaps I confused you with another poster who had already ended the relationship.

My interpretation of " I am bad egg, and it's up to you if you still want me" translates to this is WHO and HOW I am. Take me or leave me, but I will continue doing EXACTLY what I have been doing.

My ex liked to drink, no, he LOVED to drink. He has zero intent of EVER quitting, (well he will quit when they nail the coffin shut.) My point being, I wanted more for him than he ever wanted for himself. Who am I to decide how he gets to live his life? It is very sad, sometimes I still shudder thinking about it, but it's completely out of my control.

Please understand, if you fall for this baiting tactic, he will believe he is on easy street, and the rollercoaster ride shall resume. Nothing will change.

If you truly want change, it must begin with you.

When I got tired of being a door mat, I STOOD UP.

Newlook3

Thanks, I know he has treated me badly at times but I just feel so lonely now and want a cuddle from him to make it all ok....I know it wouldn't make it ok but I'm doubting how much I over reacted about things. He went to the pub most weekends for 2/3 hours at most, mostly back by 7.30 and rarely started a row, maybe I was still making him pay for the very early days in the relationship but should've cut him some slack as he was trying so hard, I wish I had found this site earlier. He was so good to me in many ways and maybe there was part of me that didn't love him enough or at least show him.

marie1960

Addiction , has NOTHING to do with being in love.

An active addict is not capable of being in a committed relationship. It's simply not possible, oh, they can pretend, and put on a good show, for a while, but their # 1 priority in life, is their drug of choice. They will do anything and everything to protect their mistress. Come between them and their mistress and there will be hell to pay.

Think about it, if he was committed to you and your relationship, he would be taking the necessary steps to get himself sober. Instead, he tells you he is a "bad egg", while he half assed admitted there may be a problem, what is he doing to help himself?

Newlook3

I'm not sure if he's addicted, I think he chooses to drink for many reasons. What I didn't like was the change in character, not all the time but sometimes and it was always because he made me angry so I would kick off. Reading here I realise each and every time I did that it just affected me, not him. Mainly because he wouldn't remember most of what he said whilst I stewed on every word and believed them all. I do think he is trying to sort himself out, not for me definitely, but I think he knows he's got a problem. I think I also know that I'm not in a position to help with that, if anything I make things worse because I am on at him all the time, disapproving looks when he orders a beer at lunchtime. I know I have to step back, leave him to it. I need to sort myself out, my confidence is at rock bottom and I'm scared I may slip into depression if I'm not there already. How do I stop thinking about him though??? I want to turn my brain off but can't. For the last 13 years we have had daily contact except when he was away with work and I don't know how to handle suddenly having to not know where he is, how he is or what he is doing?

Seren

Time will heal your heart and teach your mind to think about other things and other people. It really is early days right now...please be patient with yourself!

I'm concerned that you daughter would always leave the room when he arrived. That is the biggest red flag of all to me.

Lulu39

Yes you can turn your brain off.

You can handle this by telling yourself that he is a grown man and that he is not your child. Therefore you do not need to know where he is or what he is doing. He is wherever he wants to be and he is doing whatever he wants to do. As it seems he always has. He wants to drink, therefore he is drinking. You know he is drinking and partying already. So, leave him to it.

Please get yourself a copy of Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. That would be a start.

CodeJob

Newlook3,

Welcome. You are in the right place. Peace to you.