Can't stop crying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
I know you are all correct and I need to turn off my thoughts of him but its so hard, I feel like a zombie at the moment, that nothing is real. I think what I'm finding hardest to deal with is that he was starting to sort himself out and that maybe I have to realise that by doing so he has actually realised that he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, that out of it he may control the drinking and feel better then dance off into the sunset with a new relationship that won't have all the issues we had.....or maybe that's just me torturing myself. I know he has picked up good coping measures at the depression course he went on and it seems maybe that I was one of his worst triggers because I would always be the nag. I know I can't go back to how it was but it seems that he doesn't even want to, there are no sorrys now, no I love you, just nothing. Like I never existed to him.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
Someone here said a great thing when they said not to take it personally even though it is hard not to. His choices are not about you. He chooses alcohol and not you. Period. Always will until he does not. All he wants(probably from what I see and read here)is to do what he wants to do. If you are in the way or viewed as a problem or barrier to what he wants to do then it doesn't work for him.
If you feel unhappy you have to decide how to get happy. Is he making you happy? It doesn't look like it if you describe yourself feeling like a zombie. Is this how you want to continue to feel? Even if it only happens here or there, or if you get in his way, or if....the or if's go on forever. If you let them.
We have to let people be who they want to be and do what they want to do. WE have to decide what we want and then do what is right for us.
When you reach a point of really having "had it" and want better for yourself, you will find the strength and the desire to move ahead and be happy.
You have a child to protect and love and take care of. Being in a zombie like state at any time is not good for a child no matter their age or if someone thinks "oh they are not aware" etc..if a child leaves a room when someone walks in---that child is very aware and is leaving for a darn good reason.
Make a decision for you and for your child to live in a loving, stable environment together. You have each other and you are not alone. It gets easier once you are away from it--in time it does.
Prayers
If you feel unhappy you have to decide how to get happy. Is he making you happy? It doesn't look like it if you describe yourself feeling like a zombie. Is this how you want to continue to feel? Even if it only happens here or there, or if you get in his way, or if....the or if's go on forever. If you let them.
We have to let people be who they want to be and do what they want to do. WE have to decide what we want and then do what is right for us.
When you reach a point of really having "had it" and want better for yourself, you will find the strength and the desire to move ahead and be happy.
You have a child to protect and love and take care of. Being in a zombie like state at any time is not good for a child no matter their age or if someone thinks "oh they are not aware" etc..if a child leaves a room when someone walks in---that child is very aware and is leaving for a darn good reason.
Make a decision for you and for your child to live in a loving, stable environment together. You have each other and you are not alone. It gets easier once you are away from it--in time it does.
Prayers
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Newlook3, Please understand that this grieving is normal for this point in time. There is n o way around it--just through it!! Trust me--all of us here have been through this and we do understand your pain.
You are strong, though, and you have what it takes to put this pain behind you. You are not meant to be a doormat or to just sit in the background of somebody else's life. You have so much life ahead of you and a child to nurture and protect. There is every reason that you can have a more joyful and satisfying life in the future than you ever did have with him.
1) expect that the grief is painful, but will fade more and more as time goes on. Expect that it will end.
2) find an alanon meeting--go and listen, and learn...and heal
3) make a list of the worst things/feelings you experienced in this relationship and read them every time you start to unravel over him (that helped me the most!!).
4) make a structured schedule for each day--to keep yourself busy. Do anything--but stay as busy as you can.
5)set a goal of becoming an "expert" on co-dependency. Educate yourself by this board and alanon and the suggested readings (melody beattie). This is necessary so that you don't go for another relationship just like this one!! (that will happen if you don't learn from this one).
These are my suggestions on how you can begin to move forward from this pain. Every journey begins with single, small, baby steps.
I am glad you came here. Hang around and keep us up to date on how you are doing.
sincerely, dandylion
You are strong, though, and you have what it takes to put this pain behind you. You are not meant to be a doormat or to just sit in the background of somebody else's life. You have so much life ahead of you and a child to nurture and protect. There is every reason that you can have a more joyful and satisfying life in the future than you ever did have with him.
1) expect that the grief is painful, but will fade more and more as time goes on. Expect that it will end.
2) find an alanon meeting--go and listen, and learn...and heal
3) make a list of the worst things/feelings you experienced in this relationship and read them every time you start to unravel over him (that helped me the most!!).
4) make a structured schedule for each day--to keep yourself busy. Do anything--but stay as busy as you can.
5)set a goal of becoming an "expert" on co-dependency. Educate yourself by this board and alanon and the suggested readings (melody beattie). This is necessary so that you don't go for another relationship just like this one!! (that will happen if you don't learn from this one).
These are my suggestions on how you can begin to move forward from this pain. Every journey begins with single, small, baby steps.
I am glad you came here. Hang around and keep us up to date on how you are doing.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Thanks Dandylion, your words do help. I know I have to move on from this and I know I am grieving. I've still got contact at the moment and that's probably not helping, at present he seems to be saying that all our problems were associated with the fact that the sex life wasn't as it was in the beginning, of course I know that is a mixture of a long term relationship mixed with emotional withdrawal by me. I'm starting to see that there is more going on here than just the drinking. He truly associates sex with love and needs it all the time to reinforce his insecurities. He is a very mixed up man, I think I always knew that but chose to ignore it I guess. I don't even know why I am sad because I'm struggling to see any good points at the moment! Maybe it is that at the moment I'm still fantasising about the life I wanted with him not the life I actually had.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, I think you are right, Newlook. I am sorry that you are sad. It is o.k. to cry when you need to--it helps to get it out.
Can you think of something for you and your daughter to do today--something fun...just the two of you?
dandylion
Can you think of something for you and your daughter to do today--something fun...just the two of you?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Let's take a look at what you've posted about the interactions between you and your alcoholic boyfriend.
About his attitude towards you:
"He calls me boring and no personality".... "He texted me that he is sure I will be fine"... "He texted me that he is a bad egg and it is down to me to decide if I want him"... "There are no sorrys now, no I love you, just nothing. Like I never existed to him"....
About your feelings toward him and TOWARD YOURSELF:
"It is partly true that I am boring and no personality because I stopped going out because of the rows"... "I talked, I told him how I felt, and he said little".... "He was so good in so many ways and maybe there was a part of me that didn't love him or show him enough".... "He may dance off into the sunset in a new relationship that didn't have all the issues we did".... "Maybe I was one of the worst triggers because I would always nag"....
And, finally "maybe I was just torturing myself"...
I'd look at what he did, and what he didn't do. What he did and how you felt about it. I'd look at who you hold accountable - or blameable - for which behaviors.
I'd look at whether you are focusing on him, his needs, his future, his rationalizations OR on what YOU feel, YOU need, and YOU want FOR YOURSELF.
I found this really hard to do for myself, but worth it.
When I left my abusive AH last July, I could not sort out what behavior I owned and what behavior he owned. I saw myself as responsible for his bad behavior. And because of that, I tended to defend his bad behavior because, hadn't I caused it anyway?
Ten months later, I don't own ANY of his behavior, good, bad, or indifferent. I only own my OWN behavior. What a terribly difficult transition this has been for me.
I wanted him to be who I wanted him to be, and therefore, I wanted to accept all his bad behavior as okay because otherwise I couldn't justify to myself my intense desire to want to be with him. Why would I want to be with someone who was so bad to and for me?
And this let me off the hook for my own bad behaviors. I was trying to control who he was because he wasn't who I wanted - needed - him to be.
This self-deception was a key part of how I manage to convince myself to stay for 20 years.
Inside me, along with the altruistic desire to take care of a husband who had true illness, was wanting to control that I got what I thought I wanted - a marriage with this man. If I could monitor - or control - what he drank, then maybe someday he would behave in a way I found acceptable.
I learned, like the folks here say, I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I CAN'T CONTROL it. He gets to live his life the way he wants.
And so do I.
I empathize with and really feel your pain. It is so hard to give up on such a long term relationship. Keep posting, we're all here for you and with you as you sort this out, little by little.
ShootingStar1
About his attitude towards you:
"He calls me boring and no personality".... "He texted me that he is sure I will be fine"... "He texted me that he is a bad egg and it is down to me to decide if I want him"... "There are no sorrys now, no I love you, just nothing. Like I never existed to him"....
About your feelings toward him and TOWARD YOURSELF:
"It is partly true that I am boring and no personality because I stopped going out because of the rows"... "I talked, I told him how I felt, and he said little".... "He was so good in so many ways and maybe there was a part of me that didn't love him or show him enough".... "He may dance off into the sunset in a new relationship that didn't have all the issues we did".... "Maybe I was one of the worst triggers because I would always nag"....
And, finally "maybe I was just torturing myself"...
I'd look at what he did, and what he didn't do. What he did and how you felt about it. I'd look at who you hold accountable - or blameable - for which behaviors.
I'd look at whether you are focusing on him, his needs, his future, his rationalizations OR on what YOU feel, YOU need, and YOU want FOR YOURSELF.
I found this really hard to do for myself, but worth it.
When I left my abusive AH last July, I could not sort out what behavior I owned and what behavior he owned. I saw myself as responsible for his bad behavior. And because of that, I tended to defend his bad behavior because, hadn't I caused it anyway?
Ten months later, I don't own ANY of his behavior, good, bad, or indifferent. I only own my OWN behavior. What a terribly difficult transition this has been for me.
I wanted him to be who I wanted him to be, and therefore, I wanted to accept all his bad behavior as okay because otherwise I couldn't justify to myself my intense desire to want to be with him. Why would I want to be with someone who was so bad to and for me?
And this let me off the hook for my own bad behaviors. I was trying to control who he was because he wasn't who I wanted - needed - him to be.
This self-deception was a key part of how I manage to convince myself to stay for 20 years.
Inside me, along with the altruistic desire to take care of a husband who had true illness, was wanting to control that I got what I thought I wanted - a marriage with this man. If I could monitor - or control - what he drank, then maybe someday he would behave in a way I found acceptable.
I learned, like the folks here say, I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I CAN'T CONTROL it. He gets to live his life the way he wants.
And so do I.
I empathize with and really feel your pain. It is so hard to give up on such a long term relationship. Keep posting, we're all here for you and with you as you sort this out, little by little.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Thank you for the replies and the advice. My daughter and I just took the dogs for a long walk together as it's a sunny day. It was nice, I put on a brave face and talked a lot about nothing. She knows something's up but as yet we haven't discussed him or the situation. That will be saved for a time when I am stronger. I have ordered the book you recommended to have something to stop my brain from over thinking things. I try and distract myself with tv or anything but really I just want to wallow. I'm divorced from my daughters father, he cheated when she was 18 months old so I know I can survive this pain as I have done it before but our relationship wasn't as toxic as this one and I was a lot younger with a better social life. I did take antidepressants for 6 months after my divorce and went to one to one counselling which helped. I am thinking about going back to the doctors but I feel like such a failure, one cheater then a drinker, I know how to pick them!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
and this is why it's so very important to take some time and work on you.
You are not the first one to be caught up in this situation.
I had to figure out for myself why I would repeatedly choose the same type of unavailable guy .
This is now about YOU, not him.
A relationship is supposed to add joy, it will enrich our lives. When a relationship starts to suck the life right out of us, it ceases to be a relationship. Now we have a toxic situation on our hands.
You are not the first one to be caught up in this situation.
I had to figure out for myself why I would repeatedly choose the same type of unavailable guy .
This is now about YOU, not him.
A relationship is supposed to add joy, it will enrich our lives. When a relationship starts to suck the life right out of us, it ceases to be a relationship. Now we have a toxic situation on our hands.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Well today is a new day, slept a bit better last night but still woke very early. I was hungry for the first time in days so have actually had breakfast! Its a bank holiday here in the uk, no work, the sun is shining and Im trying to focus on my day instead of what he is doing. My daughter is going to the beach with friends so i will walk the dog and am then meeting my oldest friend who will kindly let me off load. The teenagers will probably come back here later, I've only just realised that they have started coming here since he has not been around....i guess I've got some guilt to deal with there that i allowed his presence and his moods to influence how my daughter behaved in her own home. Baby steps but today is a better day.
Newlook3---Good Show! Baby steps ARE very important steps. You may still be hurting--but, you are facing forward, now.
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