"Loving" Detachment?

Old 05-05-2013, 04:46 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post

can I live in this situation?

am I safe?

am I financially secure?

am I able to conduct my life and my affairs unimpeded?

^^^

This.

It should be on card the celebrant or priest or whoever hands to each one of the couple at a wedding.

If at any time you answer NO to all the above GET THE HELL OUT!
Lulu39 is offline  
Old 05-05-2013, 05:33 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by phoebe2 View Post
. . . . I want him to know I know.

ummm, that would be NOT detaching.

Just saying. It will leave you in the A's turmoil. You can stay there if you wish, but it is generally not a happy place.

Not that you have to detach, it is just that YOU will start getting and feeling a WHOLE LOT better once you do.

The classic example I hear in Alanon --

A is drunk and passed out on the floor.
Detaching is to NOT drag them into the bed.
Detaching with Love is to place a blanket over them while they sleep on the floor.
Hammer is offline  
Old 05-05-2013, 01:41 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SolTraveler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by ady gil View Post

For me the "loving" in "loving detachment" is NOT just about loving the A...in fact that is secondary - the "loving" in "loving detachment" for me was about loving me.
That makes a great deal of sense.
SolTraveler is offline  
Old 05-11-2013, 11:07 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Sometimes it's helpful for me to think of it from a different angle. For example, what's the opposite of detachment. When I think about Attachment, I see there are healthy and unhealthy ways to attach. I had good models and bad models of attachment growing up and learning the difference has been my task as an adult.

I need to detach from unhealthy attachments like - no longer investing myself in expectations. They're a setup for disappointment. So I've learned to recognize when I have expectations for certain results. Once I get that part of it, I can work on acceptance of reality and let go of attaching my well-being to the outcome. This is the same as recognizing what I can and cannot control. Life's too short to keep attaching to those things I cannot control or have no business controlling. Then what it comes down to is my choice; I can choose to be happy or unhappy.

Until I spent a lot of time developing awareness and understanding about detachment, sometimes the only action I was up to taking was self-protective or defensive. I had to start there. Maybe it was punitive or cold and detaching with resentment or anger. (That's how one starts.) Despite the fact this still kept me invested in the outcome, it was taking steps in the right direction; changing the old patterns. I had to do some experimenting and trying things out and practice a new model of behavior.

As time went on and I better understood what healthy detachment/attachment was, I was able to detach and keep my compassion at the same time; it's a win-win situation benefiting myself and the other. It's choosing healthy limits, setting healthy boundaries and it restores my balance and serenity. It's a wonderful key to peace and happiness.
Neagrm is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:52 PM.