Alcoholic boyfriend

Old 05-03-2013, 07:52 PM
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Alcoholic boyfriend

I am so glad I found this site today. My boyfriend of a year and a half is an alcoholic. He binge drinks 3-5 nights a week. He often blows off plans that we have made to drink. He is WONDERFUL when he is sober...so sweet and nice and we get along swimmingly. But when he is drunk, he is a monster. He often lies to me about drinking, and tries to deceive me. I never go over to his house when he drinks, because he would emotionally and verbally abuse me. We often get into arguments when he is drunk (over the phone), and then in the morning he doesn't remember them or is very apologetic. He has told me he knows he is an alcoholic, and he has told me he will go to A.A., but he never goes. He makes excuses at the last minute as to why he can't go. He tells me he wants to change, and he does better for a few days, and then he is right back to drinking. He tells me drinking is his way of relieving his anxiety and depression. We have talked about getting married someday (I am 20, he is 26), but I do not want to marry him if he continues to be like this. He constantly tells me he WANTS to get better, but he never does. I am just afraid that he will be like this forever. I love the sober him, but I hate the drunk him. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to help him, or if I even can help him.
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:36 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will stick around. This is a wonderful place for support and information. Please feel free to share, vent and read as often as needed.

Some of our stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this forum. I find inspiration in those posts by reading the stories of others who have already walked the path I am now on. The path of recovery from living with the drama of a loved one and their addiction to alcohol.

Here is a link to one of my favorite posts from the top of this main page. I followed these steps and they helped me find my focus while living with alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I can relate to hearing the alcoholic say he will do x, y, and z; and believing him. Only problem is the alcoholic was telling me what I wanted to hear at the time. The promised behavior of x, y and z was just another manipulation to keep me off balance. I learned from the members hear to stop listening to the words of an alcoholic and look at their actions. Do the actions match the words?
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:39 PM
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((Michelle)) I am so sorry that your situation is like this. A lot of us on this board can identify.

It is great that you are not living together - it doesn't sound like you are thinking about doing so, but take my advice and DON'T. Especially is he if abusive. You need to be able to get out of the situation and be away from him.

As for marriage... I think you know the answer there too. I have an ABF who I love to bits as well, but we are definitely not getting married until he has been in recovery for awhile. I would love to marry the person he is when he is sober, but until he is that person ALL of the time, no dice.

My advice is to get to an Al-Anon meeting. You can't control him, and you can't change him. As much as you love him, love is never enough to make an alcoholic quit. I should know - I was a binge drinker too and I just got sober a year ago. I could have rationalized ANYTHING to keep drinking!

Please keep coming back here. Unfortunately, most alcoholics only get worse, and you need support.

Alex
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:52 PM
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Welcome, Michellec!

I can also relate to the empty promises of change that never come true. I am learning that in my own experience, I hung on (for 13 years) because I was hooked on the fantasy that one day he would be the man I occasionally saw - the sober, fun, husband that I would catch a fleeting glimpse of. I kept thinking time would change things, or I could help him through it.

What I know now is that I couldn't change or control his alcoholism. You are so young. At 20 you have your whole life ahead of you. You can start by reading the stickies at the top of the page - lots of good insight. . .but I will give you this advice - prepare for a long road ahead when dealing with alcoholism. If I could go back and talk to the 22 year old me and say something to her, I'd tell her to listen to my gut and run for the hills. If your BF works a program and stays sober, then that is wonderful! But if he can't. . .move on and save yourself the chaos.

Just my two cents. . .
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Old 05-03-2013, 09:06 PM
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I had to accept the facts.

The "wonderful guy" and the lying, manipulating out of control active alkie were the SAME person.

All I can offer, if this is as good as it ever will be, is that enough for you? Are you willing to accept a life of lies, mistrust, careless and hurtful actions? Are you willing to watch him get drunk daily for the rest of your life?

You've been with this guy for a eighteen months. What has changed in that time?

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Left untreated, it's only going to get worse.

There truly isn't a damn thing you can do to help him. So why not do the next best thing, and start taking care of you.

The question I would be asking myself, is why am I settling for someone who is NOT available? Why am I accepting his unacceptable behavior?

I don't even know you, and I know you are certainly worthy of a committed partner. Only you can raise the bar for yourself.

Just know we are here to support YOU.
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Old 05-03-2013, 09:28 PM
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Thank you all so much for your posts. All of your replies have helped me so much. I have never talked to anyone about this problem, and this community has been incredibly helpful thus far; it's so nice to hear people who have had the same experience as me.

His actions certainly do not match up with his words. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever and marry me someday, but doesn't do much to work towards that goal. Sometimes I feel like he takes me for granted, that he thinks I'll always be here for him, and so he doesn't really do much to change. I love him so much, but I don't want to deal with this forever. I guess I accept his unacceptable behavior because I want him to change, I know that he CAN change. He just doesn't put much effort into changing. We have talked about moving in together (I don't want to anytime soon), and he says that if we lived together, he would have no desire to drink (which I don't buy).
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Old 05-03-2013, 09:47 PM
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"I know that he CAN change" (michellec)

Really? How do you know?

I lived in denial for 5 years, and I'm here to share denial is no place to live. Michelle, he may NEVER want to change. maybe this is who he really is. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. You want him to be what you want, currently he is not prince charming, let go of the fantasy and come to your present day reality. His actions are disrespectful, mean and cruel. He is an self absorbed addict, you will remain #2 until he Chooses recovery for himself. Not for you, his mom, dad, or siblings, for himself. There is a chance he may never choose recovery.

and he says that if we lived together, he would have no desire to drink (which I don't buy).

^^^^^ NO,No,NO, ^^^^^^ again that is not how addiction works. His words are meaningless, he will protect his addiction first.

Please keep posting, ask questions, read all you can about addiction. Educating myself freed me from a life of pure hell.
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Old 05-03-2013, 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted by michellec View Post
and he says that if we lived together, he would have no desire to drink (which I don't buy).
His statement, I think, is a form of manipulation. He is making you responsible for his drinking or not drinking. As he continues to drink, he wants you to feel guilty for his continued drinking ~ because you did not move in.

I can see you aren't buying this form of manipulation. Good on you!
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Old 05-03-2013, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
"I know that he CAN change" (michellec)

Really? How do you know?
I guess I don't know. I just WANT him to change this so badly. He went 2 months without drinking....which was a huge deal.
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Old 05-03-2013, 10:12 PM
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Honey you are 20, you are a young woman, with your whole life ahead of you.

Perhaps your focus should be you. Are you in college? Do you work? Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

This guy does not hold the key to your personal happiness.

And two months is not a huge deal. it's a drop in the bucket in the big picture of life.

A good indication of future behavior, is past behavior.

We don't always get what we want, and just because you want something does not mean it's good for you.

if I were you I would just take a step back and allow him the dignity to address his own needs/addiction.

This is not a healthy situation. Best to get a hold of your emotions, or you are setting yourself up for more heartache.

You are allowing an out of control person to rule your life, that is a recipe for disaster.
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Old 05-04-2013, 02:05 AM
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Hi Michelle,

I, as many others here, can feel your pain. Many of us have been there. Many years ago I was in your same place. I loved her, I wanted her to change, I knew she could. She was such a wonderful person when not drinking, lying and cheating. I ignored the blaring siren in my head that said her actions are not right, and her treatment of me is not right. But she said she loved me, and I believed her, even though many of her actions didn't seem like it. I believed her when she said she was done drinking. I believed her when she said "never again." I believed her when she said she was sorry.

Eventually I started to blame myself. I lost myself into her disease. My happiness became unimportant. I readily accepted completely unacceptable behavior. But I still couldn't leave her. Because I know she could change.

She and my unofficial step kids that i helped raise moved out in November. My life is pretty empty now. Her life continued to spiral out of control. So here I sit after 13 years, unable to sleep at 4:30 in the morning, reading others sad posts about the pain that alcoholism is causing in their lives. I started seeing my own therapist. I am depressed, lonely and still miss her.

Thirteen years ago I had no concept of alcoholism. I had never seen it. Now I can tell you that I have lived it. It has damaged me and those around me. I do not wish this pain on anyone.

He is showing you who is. Who he could be is a fantasy- your fantasy. If it was his fantasy, he would be that person already. Only you can decide what to do, but realize that you do have a choice. You can get out anytime you like, before you end up like me, and others here like me that waited for so long for their alcoholic to change.
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Old 05-04-2013, 02:28 AM
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So glad that you are here. I can relate with you. I move from Florida to Utah beleiving that I was going to get married, only to find out my fiance was an alcoholic. I was shock, he knew I am in recovery. Yes, he is the sweet, kind, gentle, funny, and alot of other good things when he is sober. But when he drinks, he passes out, not fun, can't do anything and very, very mean. This is not what I want. I had to go my way and continue to live and not let him bring me down, yes it was hard, but something I had to do for myself. Yes, I tried to hang in there, but he has to want to be sober. At that time he decided to continue to drink starting at 4a. I decided to move on.
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Old 05-04-2013, 05:05 AM
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Dear michellec, he doesn't want to be your fantasy of him--he wants to be who is, right now. If he wanted to be different--he would already be.

2 months is nothing compared to a lifetime. He was just "whiteknuckling".

Honey, you have recieved such honest and experiences advice from the other posters. They have lived the life---they want to save you from the pain. Trust them--believe them.

You are so young--you can have anything you truly want. YOU DONT NEED THIS CRAP.

SINCERELY, DANDYLION
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Old 05-04-2013, 12:37 PM
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Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is step out of the way and turn them over to their Higher Power. You can't make him sober, he won't do it for you. That's not how it works. The sober guy you love and the mean drunk are the SAME guy. There aren't 2 guys in this picture, he is one and the same. As the disease progresses, and it will, you will see less and less of the sober guy you love.

Find an AlAnon meeting near you, and attend a few meetings. You don't have to share if you don't want to, but listen to others. AlAnon is not for the A in your life, it won't help you get him sober. It WILL help you realize that you have to focus on YOUR life. You are only 20 yrs old, there is no reason to settle for a life of chaos and heartbreak. It's not easy, but the best thing you can do is walk away and find your own serenity. ((hugs))
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:21 PM
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Thank you all so, so much for your honest posts. It is so strange (in a good way) being in a community like this. I have never been in a place where people understand what I'm going through regarding this. I know it's true I should stand up for myself, that I don't deserve this. It is SO hard, though. I want us to work so badly, and so I keep going with it everyday. He tells me time and time again that he does want to get better, and does want to get sober. But he never does anything about it. Deep down, though, I know that I don't deserve this life....and that this chaos and deception and heartache IS going to be forever. Thank you all so, so, so much for your posts.
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Old 05-05-2013, 05:26 PM
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I can definitely identify with your situation. I started dating a man who was a problem drinker when I was in my 20's. He also was a really great guy when sober and a really awful person when drunk. I stayed around for those great times and with the hope that someday he would get sober. He recognized he had a problem and talked about how much he wanted to get sober often. There were some attempts at sobriety but nothing serious and nothing that worked for long. He told me he didn't feel the need to drink when we spent time together and I naively thought that I could make him want to quit. It's now 11 years later. We are in the middle of a very ugly divorce. Divorce is horrible for everyone but it is a nightmare when you have to deal with an irrational drunk. I'm now in my 30's but sometimes I feel 60 because life with him has been so difficult. I have felt like I had to be his mother more often than a wife. Every aspect of my life has suffered as a result of me hanging on for years thinking things were going to get better and he was going to be that great sober man all the time. We did have great times together but they don't make up for all the terrible things I have experienced as a result of being married to an alcoholic. And when things get bad, they get really bad very quickly. Seven months ago I would have said our marriage was the best it has ever been. He was seeking treatment and the drinking was down to only about once a week. We were buying a house. We were getting along great. Everything seemed wonderful. Within a few months he dropped out of the treatment, started drinking 7 days a week, adamantly denied having any kind of drinking problem, cleared out our bank accounts to fund an affair, and abused me so badly that I had to take out a restraining order. I haven't see any of that great man in awhile and probably never will again. Don't waste your youth on this guy. He may get sober someday but it will have nothing to do with you. And you can reconnect in the future if he proves he is committed to sobriety. Don't give up your life for him.
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Old 05-05-2013, 08:42 PM
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michellec,

My boyf of a year and a half is also an alcoholic and we have recently ended the relationship. I am in the middle of trying to understand and work everything out in my head and alter that way of thinking that has been impressed on me by him that I am the one with issues, not him! I understand a lot of your mixed emotions as I am feeling just as confused. We also had plans to move in, marry, have kids but whenever I think about 'losing' that I try to ask myself if I would ever want to bring children into that life?

The use of manipulation causes us to question ourselves so we don't question them as much. I know that one of the main reasons that my ex doesn't want me around is because I cause him to question what he is doing and he doesn't like it. He might actually have to admit to HIMSELF he has a problem. Definitely doesn't make it any easier for those of us who love them but know that there are a lot of people here who identify strongly with what you are going through, myself included!
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Old 05-06-2013, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Clary77 View Post

The use of manipulation causes us to question ourselves so we don't question them as much. I know that one of the main reasons that my ex doesn't want me around is because I cause him to question what he is doing and he doesn't like it. He might actually have to admit to HIMSELF he has a problem.
I have thought the exact same thing. When he is going to drink, he avoids me, which I think is because he knows he has a problem, and he knows I know, too. He knows that what he is doing is killing himself, and killing us, but he does not want to actually admit that. And, when he drinks, and lies and deceives and treats me like crap, I think I am doing something wrong to cause him to treat me like that. I think I'm the one with the problem, and not him.
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Old 05-06-2013, 05:20 PM
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Originally Posted by michellec View Post
I know that he CAN change. He just doesn't put much effort into changing. We have talked about moving in together (I don't want to anytime soon), and he says that if we lived together, he would have no desire to drink (which I don't buy).
It's not a matter of wanting to change - it's actually changing that speaks volumes. The 2 of you cohabitating could end up being a living nightmare that is difficult to get away from. It also has NO bearing on his drinking. Alcoholics drink if given any reason or situation or none at all.
The marriage subject shouldn't be even on the table.
He may not realize how bad he is, even though he says so. His avoiding AA meetings also screams volumes that he is no where near ready yet to quit.

You have found a safe haven here at SR. No judging and you can speak your mind without fear of feeling weird or out of place. Nothing is really off the table if you have questions or are wondering about where to turn to next.
Good luck to you.
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by michellec View Post
And, when he drinks, and lies and deceives and treats me like crap, I think I am doing something wrong to cause him to treat me like that. I think I'm the one with the problem, and not him.
And this is how we end up enabling them even more!

You are welcome to message me if you need to chat. This is a place to help YOU!
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