Lets Talk RED FLAGS……
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
when their credit card/debit card is declined at red box movie rentals for 2.40
when your first "real" date is lovely/everything you could ask for but later on you realize you've never had one like it again(insert any excuse here you want)
when every vacation/get-a-way you have together is related to someone else also being there(i.e. provided by someone else, actually, not the partner)
when they have to have "the best"/name brand of everything as a status symbol
when they tell people "yes, everything is great, going good, business is great" with you standing there but you know it isn't. not that they would say "ohhhhhh it's awful and i think i may go under" but just pay attention.
if they tell you they love you, you feel like it one minute but soon you have doubt. normal doubt. not make believe insecurity. real doubt. actions and words thing.
if they are unable to socialize completely independently, initiate an outing based on only their desire to go out with themselves. calling others to meet them so they are not alone but really once they are out and the people they called meet them--they don't pay much attention to them at all.
if they can not be alone, at all, and be comfortable and content.
when your first "real" date is lovely/everything you could ask for but later on you realize you've never had one like it again(insert any excuse here you want)
when every vacation/get-a-way you have together is related to someone else also being there(i.e. provided by someone else, actually, not the partner)
when they have to have "the best"/name brand of everything as a status symbol
when they tell people "yes, everything is great, going good, business is great" with you standing there but you know it isn't. not that they would say "ohhhhhh it's awful and i think i may go under" but just pay attention.
if they tell you they love you, you feel like it one minute but soon you have doubt. normal doubt. not make believe insecurity. real doubt. actions and words thing.
if they are unable to socialize completely independently, initiate an outing based on only their desire to go out with themselves. calling others to meet them so they are not alone but really once they are out and the people they called meet them--they don't pay much attention to them at all.
if they can not be alone, at all, and be comfortable and content.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
This is mostly from expierence from XAH.
The biggest one for me is: I have a feeling of unease or discomfort that something is "off" with the guy, but I can't put my finger on it.
Also:
Asking direct questions and not getting direct answers.
Having to remind someone what he/we did and what he said the night before b/c he doesn't remember.
If someone doesn't take my feelings or concerns seriously, or gets mad b/c I am upset.
Compartmentalizes friends, family, girlfriend/wife, work.
Excessive/intrusive phone calls and texts after knowing each other a short time.
Feeling the need to explain basic human feelings, such as empathy, saddness, hurt.
Swift mood changes.
Asks "are you a big drinker?".
Many of his stories begin, "This one time when I was so f'd up...."
If I find myself making excuses for his inconsiderate behavior (he's younger than me, a little immature, stressed, happy, sad, etc.)
Texts "happy 2 month anniversary!" after I told him I'm not ready for a committed, serious r/s.
Changes his facebook status to "in a relationship" with me after one month of dating, after I told him I'm not ready for a committed, serious r/s.
He jokingly says, "I think I'm an alcoholic"
Once he starts drinking, he has no "off" switch.
He goes to bars by himself.
The biggest one for me is: I have a feeling of unease or discomfort that something is "off" with the guy, but I can't put my finger on it.
Also:
Asking direct questions and not getting direct answers.
Having to remind someone what he/we did and what he said the night before b/c he doesn't remember.
If someone doesn't take my feelings or concerns seriously, or gets mad b/c I am upset.
Compartmentalizes friends, family, girlfriend/wife, work.
Excessive/intrusive phone calls and texts after knowing each other a short time.
Feeling the need to explain basic human feelings, such as empathy, saddness, hurt.
Swift mood changes.
Asks "are you a big drinker?".
Many of his stories begin, "This one time when I was so f'd up...."
If I find myself making excuses for his inconsiderate behavior (he's younger than me, a little immature, stressed, happy, sad, etc.)
Texts "happy 2 month anniversary!" after I told him I'm not ready for a committed, serious r/s.
Changes his facebook status to "in a relationship" with me after one month of dating, after I told him I'm not ready for a committed, serious r/s.
He jokingly says, "I think I'm an alcoholic"
Once he starts drinking, he has no "off" switch.
He goes to bars by himself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by mmk11 
The biggest one for me is: I have a feeling of unease or discomfort that something is "off" with the guy, but I can't put my finger on it.
If someone doesn't take my feelings or concerns seriously, or gets mad b/c I am upset.
Compartmentalizes friends, family, girlfriend/wife, work.
Swift mood changes.
He goes to bars by himself.
If someone doesn't take my feelings or concerns seriously, or gets mad b/c I am upset.
Compartmentalizes friends, family, girlfriend/wife, work.
Swift mood changes.
He goes to bars by himself.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
oh those made me think of others:
if they are in their 40's and FB is a very big deal to them. Period.
he jokingly says "I'm a pr#*k" or "you are going to get tired of me"
if they tell you up front they have fear of abandonment. oh lord. i had no idea WHAT that would entail.
tells you they love you, your stability, your maturity, etc...versus their chaoticness...you don't need to take it as a compliment...you aren't going to give them stability...but your life will become chaotic.
they look at papers or cell phone texts in your presence and out loud say "huh" or "hmmmmmm" but never go further. so you sit there and wonder "what?" like a normal person would. why would they say anything at all?? or not explain what has them going "huh or hmmmmmmm"
they use silent treatment/disappearing acts/withdrawal to extreme in times of need or crisis
if they are in their 40's and FB is a very big deal to them. Period.
he jokingly says "I'm a pr#*k" or "you are going to get tired of me"
if they tell you up front they have fear of abandonment. oh lord. i had no idea WHAT that would entail.
tells you they love you, your stability, your maturity, etc...versus their chaoticness...you don't need to take it as a compliment...you aren't going to give them stability...but your life will become chaotic.
they look at papers or cell phone texts in your presence and out loud say "huh" or "hmmmmmm" but never go further. so you sit there and wonder "what?" like a normal person would. why would they say anything at all?? or not explain what has them going "huh or hmmmmmmm"
they use silent treatment/disappearing acts/withdrawal to extreme in times of need or crisis
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Oh. . .the cell phone thing. . .that infuriated me with AH. Here is why:
He tells me one night that during our marriage he has been propositioned several times by women I knew, but wouldn't say who. . .
BUT, I wave at his cousin at a track meet ad he wakes me up at 2am, drunk and crazy asking if I'd screwed him. . .(this happened a lot. . .always some guy I was too nice to)
All of this from a guy who looked through my texts, but his phone was off-limits. When he would Hmmmm or laugh over a text and not elaborate, I would fight the urge to shove that phone down his throat.
He tells me one night that during our marriage he has been propositioned several times by women I knew, but wouldn't say who. . .
BUT, I wave at his cousin at a track meet ad he wakes me up at 2am, drunk and crazy asking if I'd screwed him. . .(this happened a lot. . .always some guy I was too nice to)
All of this from a guy who looked through my texts, but his phone was off-limits. When he would Hmmmm or laugh over a text and not elaborate, I would fight the urge to shove that phone down his throat.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
i must say, i never was questioned or accused of any behavior regarding another male. i also never did anything to make a question arise--i don't "flirt" or do silly things to create a doubt or question(not that anyone does but you know what i mean) so i am clear he never did the jealous acts toward me.
the whole cell phone thing is a big clue to how things will go. aside from business calls or hi's and hello's from family/friends(true friends)if someone is in their 40's and has every social media app linked to their phone plus their emails and they are "all up in it" with silly not age appropriate behavior. just run. FB is a big part of this, too. all on the phone all the time. just nonsense. kids do it--i get it--but we are not kids.
oh , another red flag: if they go in and out of completely reasonable, adult behavior to completely ridiculous, immature behavior. not only chaotic but undermines the stability any realtionship needs. gives you the reason "you need to learn to live a little." noooo, i did the twenty year old living when i was twenty, honey. i was carefree then. now i am grown. i know how to have fun in a different way without risks, without needing to "act" twenty to prove i can. i'm glad i'm 44. 44 is good!
and yes, if almost every story begins or ends with "oh man...we were soooo effed up." If you hear the words "Hilton Head, SC, Flu." prob everyone here already knows what that is. I did not. Now i do.
If they introduce you to their friends and you think it's just you meeting friends and things are normal. We all meet each others friends. But they take it a step further and check back to see what each one thought. Beyond the normal. They tell you what each one said. They truly would follow the opinions of their friends over their own family or even themselves. And I mean the loser friends. Not the more normal ones you meet. They never ask them.
If he/she knows you are in bed by 10PM each night and up at 5 or 6 but continually ignores it and plans, events, daily life constantly keeps you off your routine. Not occasionally. Always. Or the opposite of this when they actually stay home for a change but they fall asleep at 8PM. Just nonsense. All the time. Plenty of excuses though. Keeps you off balance and irritable, too.
Dern, I have wayyyyyyyy too many of these!! I KNOW!!
the whole cell phone thing is a big clue to how things will go. aside from business calls or hi's and hello's from family/friends(true friends)if someone is in their 40's and has every social media app linked to their phone plus their emails and they are "all up in it" with silly not age appropriate behavior. just run. FB is a big part of this, too. all on the phone all the time. just nonsense. kids do it--i get it--but we are not kids.
oh , another red flag: if they go in and out of completely reasonable, adult behavior to completely ridiculous, immature behavior. not only chaotic but undermines the stability any realtionship needs. gives you the reason "you need to learn to live a little." noooo, i did the twenty year old living when i was twenty, honey. i was carefree then. now i am grown. i know how to have fun in a different way without risks, without needing to "act" twenty to prove i can. i'm glad i'm 44. 44 is good!
and yes, if almost every story begins or ends with "oh man...we were soooo effed up." If you hear the words "Hilton Head, SC, Flu." prob everyone here already knows what that is. I did not. Now i do.
If they introduce you to their friends and you think it's just you meeting friends and things are normal. We all meet each others friends. But they take it a step further and check back to see what each one thought. Beyond the normal. They tell you what each one said. They truly would follow the opinions of their friends over their own family or even themselves. And I mean the loser friends. Not the more normal ones you meet. They never ask them.
If he/she knows you are in bed by 10PM each night and up at 5 or 6 but continually ignores it and plans, events, daily life constantly keeps you off your routine. Not occasionally. Always. Or the opposite of this when they actually stay home for a change but they fall asleep at 8PM. Just nonsense. All the time. Plenty of excuses though. Keeps you off balance and irritable, too.
Dern, I have wayyyyyyyy too many of these!! I KNOW!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: deep south
Posts: 23
Ooooh, yesssss, I had that too at the end... all kinds of accusations which of course were unfounded, but in his drunken outbursts it was all about what was wrong with me. Nevermind that he showed me drunkphone texts to old girlfriends making lewd and vulgar suggestions while i was away from him.
Last time we talked he assured me he was remaining sober and had actually gone through his phone and saw those disgustiing texts, and he said he is glad to realize he cannot drink anymore because of them. When I told him I understood because he had shown me those texts, he became angry and accused me of going through his phone. I told him he couldn't remember showing me because he was a drunk, and it was part of his usual meanness towards me... he refused to believe it. He actually had the audacity to tell me he has NO recollection of ever being mean to me.
So, he can go off and find someone else to abuse. I just know it is not going to be me EVER again. Hallelujah!
And I'm learning about all the red flags, too - thankfully!! Never again for this girl.
Last time we talked he assured me he was remaining sober and had actually gone through his phone and saw those disgustiing texts, and he said he is glad to realize he cannot drink anymore because of them. When I told him I understood because he had shown me those texts, he became angry and accused me of going through his phone. I told him he couldn't remember showing me because he was a drunk, and it was part of his usual meanness towards me... he refused to believe it. He actually had the audacity to tell me he has NO recollection of ever being mean to me.
So, he can go off and find someone else to abuse. I just know it is not going to be me EVER again. Hallelujah!
And I'm learning about all the red flags, too - thankfully!! Never again for this girl.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Red Flag :
When you need to have your cell phone on you at all times, because they might call, and you don't want to hear it one more time that a cell phone is portable, so you even take it with you when you go to the bathroom. But yet, they never answer theirs.
When you are afraid to do or say anything, because it's always wrong anyway. (Walking on eggshells).
When you no longer know what you want, or what you think, because you are too busy thinking about what they want, what they need.
When you get put into a lose- lose situation. For example: You are given a choice of a movie to see. One is a chick flick, other is an action movie. So you pick the action movie, thinking to yourself, well at least I won't hear it about me picking a chick flick, but you hear it anyway, that you should have just picked the movie that you wanted to see. And if you picked the chick flick, you would have set him off anyway.
When you need to have your cell phone on you at all times, because they might call, and you don't want to hear it one more time that a cell phone is portable, so you even take it with you when you go to the bathroom. But yet, they never answer theirs.
When you are afraid to do or say anything, because it's always wrong anyway. (Walking on eggshells).
When you no longer know what you want, or what you think, because you are too busy thinking about what they want, what they need.
When you get put into a lose- lose situation. For example: You are given a choice of a movie to see. One is a chick flick, other is an action movie. So you pick the action movie, thinking to yourself, well at least I won't hear it about me picking a chick flick, but you hear it anyway, that you should have just picked the movie that you wanted to see. And if you picked the chick flick, you would have set him off anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
If he mocks you, especially in front of others. I'm not talking gentle teasing either. The mocking has a malicious tone.
If he doesn't take your concerns seriously, or he turns everything around so it is about HIM.
Everything is on his schedule - phone calls, dates, social outtings, dinner.
He is regularly difficult, indecisive, passive-agressive, and/or disagreeable.
If he doesn't take your concerns seriously, or he turns everything around so it is about HIM.
Everything is on his schedule - phone calls, dates, social outtings, dinner.
He is regularly difficult, indecisive, passive-agressive, and/or disagreeable.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Why do they put friends into subsets/groups like that????????
Originally Posted by peacedove
For me:
All "friends" are put in subsets/groups but none of these groups know each other. Everyone is kept separate and socialized with completely differently.
A family member(ex's mom for me)calls daily(supposedly about the children), drops gifts almost daily, buys expensive things and provides for basic needs as well "just because". The man is 43 yo. It's always been this way-it always will be.
Every "closest" or "oldest" friend or buddy is actually a loser. The wives/gf's have stable, steady, high paying jobs. Or the others do not have a partner at all. Call them "free spirits" or whatever you want.
Ever being told "I forgot" or "I don't remember" about anything.
Saying you are "too sensitive" when you express hurt, concern...
Pupils that are either huge or pinpricks. When you ask "why is that?" they tell you they don't know what you are talking about. show them in the mirror and they tell you "i have no idea" or "huh, weird."
Telling you to "talk to a stranger if you need to but don't talk to family members if we ever have problems." Reason given? Family causes chaos and grief if they know too much.
If they speak poorly of their ex, had an extremely long and difficult divorce.
If they want to meet in a bar(no food menu). Sorry but I'll probably never go to a bar again.
If you hear "It's time for cocktails!!!" RUN. It's always time for cocktails...
Too many I know. But oh so many more....
All "friends" are put in subsets/groups but none of these groups know each other. Everyone is kept separate and socialized with completely differently.
A family member(ex's mom for me)calls daily(supposedly about the children), drops gifts almost daily, buys expensive things and provides for basic needs as well "just because". The man is 43 yo. It's always been this way-it always will be.
Every "closest" or "oldest" friend or buddy is actually a loser. The wives/gf's have stable, steady, high paying jobs. Or the others do not have a partner at all. Call them "free spirits" or whatever you want.
Ever being told "I forgot" or "I don't remember" about anything.
Saying you are "too sensitive" when you express hurt, concern...
Pupils that are either huge or pinpricks. When you ask "why is that?" they tell you they don't know what you are talking about. show them in the mirror and they tell you "i have no idea" or "huh, weird."
Telling you to "talk to a stranger if you need to but don't talk to family members if we ever have problems." Reason given? Family causes chaos and grief if they know too much.
If they speak poorly of their ex, had an extremely long and difficult divorce.
If they want to meet in a bar(no food menu). Sorry but I'll probably never go to a bar again.
If you hear "It's time for cocktails!!!" RUN. It's always time for cocktails...
Too many I know. But oh so many more....
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Same topic, nearly same list -- from the Mental Illness side of things . . . .
PERSPECTIVES: "Red Flags" and how to choose healthier partners
PERSPECTIVES: "Red Flags" and how to choose healthier partners
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