sunnshinegirl

I've been away from the boards for a few days and really miss the support you all give to each and every one of us. I'm in the process of leaving my verbally abusive AH. Taking a while to get everything in place and of course the guilty part of me waffles because I feel like I'm deserting him.

I think the one thing that is really getting me down is he never is kind to me. I get called f--- idiot many times on a daily basis and yelled at throughout the day for my mistakes such as buying the wrong kind of fruit at the store. But he thinks I'll stay and take this forever. I can't start a conversation with him at all. Can't tell him how I feel because he tells me feelings are bull s-. Luckily by nighttime, he's out of it and I have peace. It's really wearing me down but I try to stay focused on completing the arrangements so I can leave. But to never hear a thank you or any word of kindness really hurts.

My therapist told me the alcohol is his lover and I understand that but I'm a real live person who could use a kind word.

Just guess I'm searching for some support. Shouldn't be hard to get out of this mess but it is and I'm taking it day by day.

Gollum

I am currently in limbo with my AH, I am away from him and trying to decide my next move. I think in my head I know I should leave but I am still attached to the dream of what could be.

My AH is genuinely a kind, caring and sensitve person but when he is back in active addiction (like now) he turns into a self centred, irrational monster. He becomes someone I dont recognise at all, so much so I even tried to have him sectioned at one point only to be told he is completely sane.

Addiciton is effectively a personality defect. Most of the time their anger towards you is in fact caused by their own self loathing. It's not you he hates, it's himself. They often mask the self loathing with arrogance but I assure you it is there.

You have a new life ahead of you, how great will it feel to be totally free from addcition?

You dont need kind words because the world is at your feet.

sunnshinegirl

If I have the courage to follow through with my plan, I will be so happy not to have the drama in my life every day. Thank you so much for your advice Gollum.

Gollum

Good on you, sunshine girl

atalose

Seek support and kindness from your close friends and family not from the emotionally sickest person in your life.

Sounds like even if you took the alcohol away he’d still be a miserably controlling person.

I pray that you find the courage to move on to a better life.

BlueSkies1

My SO drinks daily but he isn't verbally abusive like that at all. Most of the time he is the exact opposite, trying to find ways to pamper me and complementing me with adorations. Not that there isn't issues...
my point though is that the abuse served daily to you by him is not something indicative of all drinkers. So it can't be labeled as a trait of drinking. Your AH is simply abusive! Mean!
Ergo, he would probably be just as abusive sober! It's a personality trait of his.
Sober or drunk, nobody gets a pass for treating others like that. Good for you for getting yourself away from abuse!

sunnshinegirl

Thank you everyone. My Dad was a wonderful man and he was an alcoholic and he was never angry. Just one of the sweetest men around. It's time for me to leave and that takes a lot of courage. I keep sticking to my plan but it's taking so much to follow through. Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom and encouragement. Means a lot to me.

Tuffgirl

First of all, relationships ending are HARD, no matter the circumstances. Allow yourself to find some peace in that, instead of thinking you should be feeling a certain way or acting a certain way. As a matter of fact, try to drop the "should's" from your vocabulary right now.

It doesn't matter how mean he may be, or that he's a huge alcoholic, grief happens when we experience loss. Imagine what you are losing here...your life as it is, the dreams you had for what you wanted it to be, a trusted lover, and whatever losses come along with being single again (financial, protection, etc). I don't know about you, but I was SCARED even though I knew deep down inside I would be ok. And sure enough, I am. But we are human begins, and on top of that, women. We have innate fears of being alone and vulnerable.

Taking it one day at a time is great. Probably the best darn advice I've received throughout my recovery! And I use that philosophy still, when I get overwhelmed and out-of-sorts. Don't forget the serenity prayer, for when you feel the need for a little push in the right direction.

And lastly, look to others for those kind words you don't get from him. We all need kindness.

Prayers for a better day today,
~T

dandylion

Dear sunnshinegirl, you are not deserting him---you are letting go of a toxic relationship. It is a sane and healthy decision.

Just keep to your plan and the courage will show up at the exact second that you need it!!! We never realize how much courage we have until courage is our only option.

dandylion

unsureoffuture

You deserve someone who treats you with kindness and respect not verbal abuse. You are not "deserting him" you are leaving a situation that is no longer condusive to your needs and you are entitled to that. You do not deserve to be called horrid names for buying the wrong kind of fruit. Google domestic violence and you will see it is not only physical violence. You deserve to be treated with respect. It sounds like the majority of time you are walking on eggshells trying not to "upset" him. That is not a good way to live. You deserve to be happy and free from the negativity. It is super hard to decide to leave a marriage that you have invested time and energy in. I still am not there yet but working on it. My AH is the opposite he is too passive and never "there" emotionally for me and my kids when he is drinking. Just know we are here for you whatever you decide and understand exactly what you are going through. Many of us are still working on putting our needs first. But we are here so its a step in the right direction.

Lyssy

I have this saying on a stick on my computer monitor. Whenever I am feeling down or doubtful I read it and it helps!

"Women are Angles. And when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly... usually on a broomstick. We are flexible like that."

I am sorry you are going through the verbal assaults.

AnvilheadII

But to never hear a thank you or any word of kindness really hurts

best to let go of that notion or expectation. he gives what he gives, a bunch of horrid verbal abuse. that's who he is now and that's what he does. time to stop taking any of it personally, you're just handy by virtue of being there. the SOONER you clear out, the better. today would be good! cuz NOBODY deserves that type of treatment, ever. but the longer you stay, the more you reinforce to HIM that it's OK.

sunnshinegirl

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the help you've given me today. I needed it and thank you for being there for me. So much wisdom and kindness on this board from all of you.

pravchaw

Its important to put some space between you and the A. Hopefully after you leave he may hit bottom and begin to recover. If so, your leaving him may be the best thing that happened to him. So not only do you save your self there a chance that you may save him from himself.


In a way you are lucky that you can leave. My A is my son. Try as I may, I cannot ever completely separate my self from him, even though I kicked him out of the house. You cannot fall out of love from your child.