desp1

Since my AWs seven day rehab it seems like I’m the only one in our relationship with concerns about her probability of a relapse. She isn’t interested in recovery, doesn’t believe in AA and has no thoughts for the future. It’s easier to go with the illusion that her problem is not my concern since it’s something I can’t control.

When I finally decided never to drink again after a nasty tasting, cheap champagne toast at a wedding reception in 2007 it was a “no brainer” for me. I hated the taste, was bored with the high, despised “the day after” and was convinced that clear thinking was the only way to survive in this “it’s not personal it’s just business” corrupt decade.

While I try to squeeze the most out of each and every day, she procrastinates, puts off and doesn’t seem to care about “now” because she can always do it tomorrow. I am allowing her attitude and my expectations to become a wall between us. I honestly can’t afford, emotionally to devote any more thought to our relationship because our beliefs have become so dissimilar.

I don’t like the person she has become and would avoid anyone, acquaintances, business owners, or strangers with even a hint of her attitude, character or beliefs.

Am I just being over defensive? Have I allowed her addiction to affect my feelings? Why am I now repulsed by her haughty arrogant attitude when it used to amuse me?

DreamsofSerenity

You sound pretty darn healthy to me actually.

Her haughty attitude would indicate she isn't really in recovery. I think your feelings that she might be headed for a relapse are totally valid.

I admire you for not wanting to deal with people like that, personally and in business. There are too many of them in this world now. It's exhausting.

IMO, you rock.

BlueSkies1

You say that it seems only you are concerned about a possible relapse. I think I would try to back away from that. It's doomsday thinking, and it's her battle to win or lose. If you step in the middle of it, you take some of her power away from her, especially if you approach it with a presumption of relapse.
Arrogant and haughty? Apparently that's been her approach to life, and you were enamored with it in the past, when she seemed above it all, smart and lofty. Now the very same thing you feel should turn to humility. I think it stands a chance, with sobriety. But she may need several tries to get that right.
I imagine if I quit my DOC--cigarettes, that I would be ornery as a bee shaken in a jar for awhile. I'd try to give her some slack on that.
As for her procrastination--I'd leave that alone too. It's her choice whether to join life or watch it pass her by. She either realizes at some point she's missing out, or she continues on missing out until she does.
As for AA--some embrace it, some don't. That's her choice. It stands no better chance for sobriety statistically than other methods.
I think you have to get back to what is yours to take care of, and let her do her thing. She's going to do her thing anyway!
What can you do today to make your life better? Refocus on yourself. As for the relationship, I'd try to keep the remarks positive so early in her sobriety and let her figure the rest out herself, because that's the only way she stands a chance of success.
I know you're tense. I know you fear relapse. I know you want quick results to changes in her thinking. I understand and sympathize. But we're back to that you only control you.
How can you enjoy this beautiful day?

Hammer

gooooood attitude.

Attitude determines altitude, and the Sun, Stars, and Moon are always shining above the darkest clouds.

===================

Desp -- you know what caught my eye in your post?

All those "her" and "she" pronouns.

I do the same thing. Make [her/she] crap into MY crap.

But [her/she] aint my crap, and [her/she] crap aint yours either, my brother.

Good thing, huh?

Only pigs like to wallow in crap, so let them.

Hammer

The whole On The Beam / Off The Beam lists are GREAT dashboard gauges.

ZiggyB

Drinking aside, your feelings of contempt and dislike for your wife just seem to indicate to me that you have no interest in being a relationship with her anymore. I can't imagine that attitude is helpful to anyone (not that I'm saying you have no reason to feel that way).

I guess it's her recovery and her choice for how to address it or not address it. You are you and she is she.

ShootingStar1

desp1, I can hear what you're saying. Sometimes when you're done, you're just done.

I think the question for me would be how long she has been sober, and is there any evidence that she is just still going through withdrawing from alcohol and her unwelcome behavior is just a rite of that passage?

Or do you think she's essentially either a dry drunk with no intent of working through a real emotional recovery? If that's the case, and you're done, then it may be time to start moving on.

And that gets to what some of the others here are saying. You have the freedom to think about what you need to do for you, whether or not you are in this relationship. That will give you a lot more perspective on how you want to live, and whether she will ever fit into your life happily again. And detaching from her will mean that she can no longer bounce her behavior against you, so she may be forced to start to take stock of her attitudes and behavior on its own merits.

Keep posting, I've found this such a wonderful place to think out loud.

ShootingStar1

divinespark

Where are the On the Beam/Off the Beam lists? In blogs?

neferkamichael

In your profile you state your wife is drinking herself to death. If you really believe that you need to call in professionals. Of course, I wish the best for you, your wife, and your marriage, but somthing needs to be done.

Hammer

Here you go.

Started a new thread.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3948997