Am I enabling my alcoholic sister?

Old 05-04-2013, 08:59 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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seekinghelp,

I am in recovery from alcohol. I drank for twenty years, the last two or three years were blackouts every other night.

As a person who has been where your sister is, I can tell you that every word you say to her is wasted breath. She cannot hear you. She will not hear you unless and until she is ready for recovery.
When I was actively drinking and someone wanted to lecture me about what I was doing to myself, I used the same tactics your sister uses. Self pity. Crying. Manipulating. Promises to stop while searching my purse for money for beer and scheming how to get it.

Even if you had the schooling that would qualify you as a psychiatrist or an addiction specialist, you could not treat your own sibling. You are too close to the problem.
It would be a severe breach of ethics (to me).
You are not qualified to treat your sister. She needs medical doctors to treat her withdrawal from alcohol and psychiatrists to diagnose and then treat any mental health disorders. (I also have a major depressive disorder, chronic and resistant to treatment).
And, last, but certainly not least, she must talk to other recovering alcoholics. Her excuses about not going (to meetings where the drunks are) are so common it is actually a kind of meme in the recovery world. "those drunks make me depressed, so I will go drink".

The only right thing I could think for you to say to your sister is this:
"Do not call me unless you want a ride to treatment. I cannot help you."

Seekinghelp,

I will reiterate what others have said. Go to AlAnon. They will help you.
You are doing what so many others have done for their loved ones. I did it too, even when I knew better (with my children's addiction and mental health issues).
Gather all the power you have to help yourself, because that is the only way you can help your sister.
Work a program (AlAnon) like you wish she would. Work hard.

When you write about what your sister says, there are two terms that come to my mind. They applied to me too, when I was actively in addiction.

Terminal uniqueness and Personal exceptional-ism.
In these states of mind, recovery is out of sight, beyond the wall built by these powerful denial techniques. read about them, and see if they apply to your sister.


You love your sister so much, now love yourself enough to get strong and be able to say no. It is tough. You can do it.

Beth
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Old 05-04-2013, 04:36 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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You have tried everything, by now you're learning that none of it works. There is nothing we can do to make an A want to get sober. There is nothing we can say that will get through to them. They will pull out their bag of tricks that work so well on family: crying, depression, "leave me on the streets", "I just want to die", complain about AA, complain about a shelter, complain about treatment, etc etc etc. We'll be told that it's our fault, that we don't love them, how can we leave them like this. Etc Etc Etc.

At some point we have to get out of the way, and let their Higher Power take over. We have to give them the dignity to make their own choices, even when we hate their choices. Don't get pulled into her bad choices. Allow her to experience the full consequences of her choices. Take that energy you've been putting into your sister, and put it into you. Start loving yourself as much as you love her. Find an AlAnon group near you, it will help you and make your days easier. Hold your boundaries. You are entitled to live your life. Prayers and Hugs to you.
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