detachment and a bunch of other stuff

Old 05-01-2013, 08:10 AM
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detachment and a bunch of other stuff

last nights topic at alanon was detachment.. when it came to my turn to speak, i really didnt have anything to say because its hard for me to feel like im making any progress or doing any work.
what i did say was that i feel like i have detached from the wrong people, like my mom and brothers who have always been there for me... i know theyre concerned and probably dissapointed in my choice to keep staying here.. so its kind of like avoidance / trying to get my crap together and cant handle alot of stuff right now ....
and where i need to detach i dont. like with my recovering alcoholic addict husband.... i cant seem to detach from the things i need to. and its not him its me. my issues i cant seem to dive into and get going with, but he says things (like we are going to church to the kids) and they expect that to happen, and they get let down because he will lay in bed and not get ready and i get PISSED . my issues are that i dont want to go alone. with the kids.
i am downright lazy anymore. not really, but as soon as he comes around i feel like he should pick up my slack because thats what he used to do when he was active.
i was in a funk . he would get dinner cook dinner do the baths and some homework, laundry , even serve me.
i dont know what the hell it is i think he was MY enabler. is there an addiction to laziness??
I seem to notice that it doesnt matter if he was using or if he is sober , whenever he comes around, and hes not acting how i would like to the kids or his mood sucks or he isnt making anything easier for me i get kind of immobile until he is gone. like the life gets sucked out of me. has anyone else been through this? its debilitating.
while he was gone in rehab i could handle it alllll i had to.
i dont know what this is. i want to do it all housework and kids and the extras but these moods keep making me waste time by just laying around.

god grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change -
my husband not fulfilling his promises to the kids and myself
the courage to change the things i can-
to get off my butt and to do the things i have the ability to do
and the wisdom to know the difference.
i have the wisdom to see what i can and cant control
maybe i should pray for strength and perserverance to follow through on what needs to be done.


anyway, back to detachment.....
i was lying in bed thinking of what someone said at the alanon meeting last night,
how alcoholics or addicts push our buttons and they are so good at it, and how sometimes we get sucked in before we realize it
and i pictured the next time i started to feel angry or resentment towards my husband that i would picture him pushing an actual button and that would make me detach from him.
maybe thats what i need to do from now on when i start to feel a way i dont like. like hes making me detach from him by acting that way.
otherwise i have been in a fog and analyzing this whole time when i really dont need to do that.
i just need to get my big girl panties on and step back up to the plate with out feeling overwhelmed,
no school today so im going to leave here, i have made some simple choresss up that arent perfection, just progress.... the girls are going to help....we will see how that goes, and i wont scream at them and or nag if they arent helping. the consequence will be that the longer they take to help do a quick clean up the longer it will take to go enjoy this beautiful day.
and i refuse to get myself all wound up, if i feel myself getting wound up if i have to keep asking them to finish up, we jusst wont go anywhere or do anything fun today and that will let them know there are consequences, and moms not such a nag about getting us to clean clean clean

and i let hubby know that it would be awesome to do something as a family after hes done with his outpatient this afternoon....
so i wont hold him up to it.
i will try my best to keep on moving with this day no matter how he acts or if he doesnt end up wanting to come with us.
serenity. im trying to achieve it ...
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:27 AM
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sounds like your depressed...with what you know is THE TRUE FACT...ur slowly coming to realize your own denial of it all

its normal....

time to wake up your routine prehaps? starting with a shower every morning..and taking minute by minute....

this takes time, awareness takes a toll on us...
good work for you in recovery....

maybe journalling or talking to the AL ANON friends outside the meetings?....

and a SMILE is easy to do...FAKE IT TIL WE MAKE IT!!
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:32 AM
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I know exactly what you are talking about! I have the same issue. Inertia. Inability to get moving. Frozen. Paralyed. And SO heavy drinker would continue on, doing what needs to be done, while me, the one who drinks much less, would be the one who was irresponsible. It was like I was always watching--amazed, that he functioned so well enubriated, and me sober...couldn't do much of anything.
I take my eyes off him. I get back into me, my groove. You have a rhythm to your day, your life, you need to find it again. How??? Some days I get right back into a deer in headlights and it's like I have no ability to think independently at all. I have to do something akin to smacking myself. Snap out of it!

Try taking those kids outside for one minute, and not one minute more, each hour. THIS is what you guys are missing out on by procrastinating with those chores. Then drag them back in. They will watch the day improve, that sun get higher, the day get warmer, and they might just decide to get their hinies in motion. Beyond that, if that wonderful improving day doesn't motivate them, let them sit inside, and give up.

As for yourself--(and me today too) I have to prioritize a list. I will honestly forget what absolutely needs taken care of today (a late bill) if I don't put it right in front of my face.
All I can do is get in motion. #1--get off the computer. #2--that list--3 minutes to write it. #3--Do what MUST be done first. #4--Keep at it.

Things in motion tend to stay in motion. Things at rest tend to stay at rest. It's not personal, it's a natural law. Keep at it. Keep at it. Keep at it. Eventually I get on a true roll. Keep at it, don't revert back. Some of us simply suffer from procrastination as a lifestyle, and that is all about me, and nothing to do with the drinker.
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:37 AM
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yes i think a little depressed and a little a.d.d which i havent been diagnosed for. maybe im going to make a dr apointment for myself.
i wake up every morning and take a shower since i have to go to work, and im fine out in the real world its just when i get home i get into this funk, some days are better than others, but its usually when he comes home, especially if he is in a bad mood, its like it really affects me and my energy,
yes im aware of my issues i just feel like i lack the energy to get moving. i think i am making a little progress by being aware of whats happening and what issues need to be addressed, i mentioned last night that i think i need a sponsor at the meeting, i just havent been there enough times to reeally connect and feel comfortable enough to pick someone yet.
yes, smiling. i do that alot. and actually, its not fake.in public im such a different person. i become a drag at home. which is the real me? i think a mixture of both., i would rather be the happy fun person all the time though
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:43 AM
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Blueskies you have really motivated me im off this computer for a while. its another thing i need discispline with, being online. lol. its sad but true. i have the list made up. so thats two out of three if i get off this laptop in the next few minutes.
great advice about taking them outside and let them see (and me) the beauty out there and what were missing.
i can relate about the bills and forgetting im getting much better at it though.
okay im out of here until later thanks for the motivation this procrastinator sure needed it
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:51 AM
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maybe its a good time to see a doctor...and mention that you are going to al anon...

ur starting YOUR RECOVERY...this takes so much time and patience and discipline
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Old 05-02-2013, 07:59 AM
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yes it was a good day yesterday the kids helped clean, i went and bought food and i even let one of the kids friends come over. BIG STEP for me, i never let anyone come over because i have some anxiety linked to anyone seeing our house. i guess ill eventually be posting in the anxiety forum....
i guess it came to just do it yesterday and im glad i did. in the back of my mind i remember reading somewhere about manic depression. like im wondering if thats what i have, it says you get spurts of energy and do more things than normal , i hope i just am starting to let go of my anxieties and just accepting who i am and what my faults are and letting people see the real me including my house, no matter if it compares to friends houses or not. big anxiety for me, but im the only one it really bothers...

since i can focus more on me and less on my recovering alcoholic drug addict husband,
these problems that have been here all along are finally going to have to be addressed!!
I can honestly say that sometimes him having a problem would make things easier for me to just blame on him, as twisted as it is. but now its time to deal and get better myself.
i think the more he works his program the more i HAVE to work mine, my flaws start to show loud and clear and i dont want to be stuck in the way that i have been. it feels good to know and accept and be willing to address whats been holding me back from a healthy lifestyle!
he has been doing well and i dont want to jinx it, but i have to say that he came up with the trip money on his own to go with my daughter on her class trip, he has helped a co addict get into rehab and even had him sleep over the last three nights before he had to go in ....
i think he likes the instant gratification of helping others, and it really feels sincere this time. i see him stepping back alot, or if he says angry things he comes back in a few mins later to apologize....


things like that, make me have hope for him ... i do realize hes in early recovery and he can relapse, but im grateful for the progress i see in him, and my slow progress as well. and if there is a relapse in the future, we both have our tools to not get sucked back into the past behaviors... easier said than done but were both willing to try!
thanks for listening.....
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Old 05-02-2013, 08:46 AM
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Good for you! My day was a little productive yesterday, but not great. Today's a new day. Get up and get back at it is how it works, even if some yesterdays were unproductive.
Which reminds me it is almost 11:30, and I'm getting off the computer in a couple minutes today.
Your house doesn't have to nice, as in expensive and fancy. Making a nice sitting area that is reasonably clean, is all that a friend needs to respect you. So I wouldn't worry about it.
I can see you suffer from over-thinking things. I do too. Some things are as simple as they appear--like making a clean sitting area, starting the day, getting something done. It doesn't have to be more than it is! Free yourself of over-thinking stuff. It helps to get one thing done--and then with that thing done realize it was simply getting it done. There's nothing else to it! There's nothing else to think about it, or analyze about it, or feel emotional about it. It's a chore, that's all. It's something we need to do to move forward. It's not an emotional experience.
Once I started getting going on stuff, I realized this. Was waiting for some mind blowing insight as to why I was paralyzed with inaction. Some emotional moment. None came. None should come, it's stuff, it's chores, it's action, all good, but no breakthrough in the reason for my lack of action before, or huge realization as to what is different besides doing and not doing--guess what...there's nothing different in me besides one day I was productive, and one day I wasn't. No other epiphany.
Yeah, anxiety. Some things work counter to how we expect them to, like this type of anxiety. We expect some emotional epiphany, and all we get is the chore done. Interesting though, even without that emotional moment, the chore is done, and with each chore done comes a lessening of anxiety over inactivity.
It's a personal mindf**k. We free ourselves by simply doing!
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