JayNcee23

My husband is a recovering alcoholic with almost two years sobriety. He relapsed quite hard yesterday. He says sorry he did it yet i am very disappointed, but what makes matters worst is that when he drinks he cheats on me. I know that I shouldn't take it personal but its hard not to. He has also told me that he feels as though he has two people inside him (one good one bad) that are always battling. He also said that when things are going good he self sabotages..why is this happening. This started when he was a teenager. He was an excellent athlete but decided his senior year to quit sports (even though he loved it) because he was afraid to fail. why is going on with my husband. This is devastating. please help. I want to understand this disease, and all the demons that are circumventing his life.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

This is a wonderful resource for support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading, venting and posting when needed.

Some of our stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. They are marked with a padlock symbol in the left column. We call them the Sticky Posts. I find wisdom and encouragement when I read those posts.

Here are some of my favorite Sticky Posts. They have helped me, and I hope they help answer some of your questions:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Stick around, we care about you!

dandylion

Dear Jay----Not taking a behavior personally (as in it is about HIM) DOES NOT mean that you should tolerate it!

You d not have the power to control your husband--and trying to "figure him out" won't do it. You will hear over and over, here---You didn't cause it; You can't control it; and you can't fix it.

You are in control of your life and are the one that decides how you want to live.

Pelican gave you an excellent suggestion of where to begin---I endorse her suggestion.

Please continue to come here and post as often as you need.

sincerely, dandylion

Florence

I take cheating personally. Cheating on me when we are supposed to be in a committed relationship is a good indicator that my needs in the relationship will not be honored.

It doesn't matter to me whether my partner is drunk or not. Cheating is a dealbreaker.

To me, the angel on one shoulder and devil on the other excuse is a wonderful example of Quacking! He is one person who makes one-person choices and suffers one-person consequences.

Doing things he doesn't want or mean to do, and suffering serious life consequences because of his addiction is basically the definition of addiction. When untreated, it gets worse over time.

Welcome, keep reading, hang out on these forums. There is a lot of wisdom here. We all need support to deal with this stuff. By the time we find ourselves here looking for support, we're often at the end of our ropes.

Sungrl

Totally agree with Florence. You should take it personal because it is personal!! It doesn't not mean there is something wrong with you. This is all him. I wished for a long time my XABF would cheat on me because then I could leave. Cheating to me is a major deal breaker. It is degrading, embarassing, dangerous, disrespectful, humiliating and unforgivable.That is my opinion anyway. Sorry to sound harsh. There is no excuse for that behavior, drunk, sober, alcoholic or not. To me it is just mean. Can you honestly ever trust him again? Are you ok living like that? Just because he is sabotaging his life, like you said you think he is PLEASE don't let him destroy yours.

JayNcee23

Hi Everyone,

Yes, I realized its a total deal breaker. I am newly married and I cant believe I am going through this now. I am heart broken. I have no where to go, no job. I am tired! He drank again today and the infidelity is devastating.I want to leave, but then I want to stay. I never thought I'd be here today, wondering what to do!

Shadydeal

I am sorry I know this must be very painful! Newly married doesn't sound like something you need to turn a cheek to his behavior or this may be a rough road! My XABF was a horrible A & cheated all the time. I made excuses and believed his excuses! I so wish I had done things differently FOR MYSELF bc I DESERVED better but instead I hung in there for yrs doing tons of damage to myself. Here I am still trying heal the pain! I wish I had listened to my mother as a child ...."what we permit we promote"! I hope you find peace.

Hammer

You may not know it, but the Alanon tradition is to not tell you what to do, (so I am not going to tell you what to do ) but I suspect a lot of folks here would like to have been told this:

1. Do Not Have Kids Together. They will be dragged through absolute crap.
2. Get a Job.
3. Figure out what you want to do with YOUR life. You cannot have an OUR life with an active A. They are just too selfish.

petmagnet

I would feel devastated too. Infidelity for any reason shouldn't be tolerated. Drunk or not. It puts your own health at risk, and that makes it very personal. I am sorry that you are facing this. I'd go to some alanon meetings and listen to some of the stories there, keep reading here and take the time to think about your situation and the place you are in- in your life right now, and decide if living with an A for the rest of your life is worth it, and do consider the things Hammer mentioned. No one here can tell you what to do, but we can speak from our own experiences, and if it were me I'd make a careful inventory of my "new" marriage before committing to more things within it.

marie1960

A cheater is a cheater.

I have heard it said, "sometimes we give the booze too much credit."

You are newly married, and this is where your life is?

You certainly have alot to think about.

Only you can decide what is acceptable.

My personal life experience, once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater.

Sending you tons of support.

honeypig

Would just like to echo the advice to get to an Alanon meeting (better yet, one a day for several days) and start to get some support, perspective and insight regarding your situation.

If things are like this as newlyweds, it is hard to imagine it will improve as time goes on--not much of a honeymoon period, is it? I understand feeling trapped by having no job, but the sooner you begin to take care of yourself and make yourself independent, mentally, financially, emotionally and spiritually, the better off you'll be. Please don't let yourself get stuck in the mud of this negative "relationship."

Keep coming here, and please get yourself some in-person help too. Wishing you strength and courage for what lies ahead.