aspen1970

My alcoholic husband does everything righ on the surface--good job, generous, takes care of the house, but the drinking and depression are always there and always getting worse. I pretty much take care of the children myself so that he never drives them and so their exposure to the drinking is minimal. But am I just making it worse? The kids have asked me why I don't make him stop. They are 11 and 7. We rarely socialize because I don't want to be out somewhere when the drinking gets out of hand. I don't want my family to see how bad it is. He knows he has to stop but I never see any improvement. Actually I'm astonished when I look back over the past few years and see how bad it has gotten. I feel so sad for the kids because they know things aren't good. I wish I could find some help for them. Maybe they could see that they aren't the only ones.

dandylion

Dear aspen, if the children are actually asking you to make him stop---they are already being negatively affected by the alcoholism. I believe that the welfare of the children should be given top priority.

I would say that you are enabling and suffering from co-dependency. Alanon would be great help for you, right now.

Please read all the stickies at the top of this page--there is a wealth of information there and would get you off to a good start!

sincerely, dandylion

SolTraveler

Hi Aspen-

Yes, those are enabling behaviors. However, you are only trying to protect your children, so it is understandable. The only way to stop enabling him is to leave.

If you are not ready to do that, you and the kids need to get help. Al-Anon is great, as Dandylion said. The kids may benefit from counseling or from a support group for kids.

I am so sorry about your situation. Most of us, myself included, either are or have been in the same spot.

lillamy

Yes. Yes, those are enabling behaviors. I'be been where you're at. You're trying to take care of everyone else's needs and exhausting yourself in the process.

And I would venture to guess that you're somewhat hesitant to label your husband "an alcoholic"? Because he isn't as bad as some alcoholics. You may even be a little proud of how he's able to hold and do a job despite drinking?

That's what I was like. I was a very well-trained little wife who lied for him when he needed to and kept the children from bothering him. I taught them to walk on eggshells so as not to anger him.

We were married for 20 years. He was brilliant, perhaps the most intelligent person I've ever met, when we married. I was the well-trained wife until his descent into hell turned abusive. And when I wasn't anymore, it got ugly.

But the worst fallout is for the children. I currently have three full-time jobs: the one I get paid for and the two where I run children to therapists and inpatient treatment and psychiatrists to heal their wounds from the alcoholic marriage that was their childhood.

My story is just my story. I know recovering alcoholics who got off the booze mobile and are now loving, caring people. Some of them are here on this forum.

Just know that you always have an absolute right to remove yourself and your children from an unhealthy situation, should you want to. You have no responsibility for the choices your husband makes. But you do have a responsibility for your children. And for yourself, your health, and your happiness.

Where you are now sucks. Big hugs. And hang around. This place saved my sanity, and keeps on doing so.

Mountainmanbob

Bubovski

Enabling is a multi edged sword from my personal experience.
I don't think your husband will simply improve of his own volition.
By enabling, other potential helpers never get the chance to help and relieve you of some of the burden. Good luck in your efforts.

aspen1970

I hesitate to come back here because I so much want to report things are better but they are not. My husband pretty much just keeps his distance from me and the kids. I don't want them to see him drunk but they know what's going on. There used to be breaks in the drinking but now it's pretty much all of the time. I so much want things to be different for the kids. I love spending time with my children but its a lot to have to always keep them distracted. Living with an alcoholic spouse is kind of like a second job.

AnvilheadII

you could consider.....NOT living with an alcoholic???

aspen1970

Yes,of course I have considered it. But he is my kids' father. Us leaving will not stop his drinking. He will still see the kids, just without me which I will not have.

marie1960

"I so much want things to be different for the kids. I love spending time with my children but its a lot to have to always keep them distracted. Living with an alcoholic spouse is kind of like a second job." (aspen1970)


^^^^^ this is so sad.^^^^^^^^^^

Do you really believe it's healthy for you and your kids to stay in this situation?

There is a high probability these kids will grow up to think this is an acceptable way of life and before you know it they will be living in a situation as you currently are, or the will be causing the situation.

You are not trapped, you are just a bit stuck, but you can get yourself and your kids to a better place.

In your current state of mind your are future tripping about things that haven't even happened yet. No wonder you are feeling like the situation is hopeless.

If you truly want things to be better, you will need to get proactive.

Your children do not deserve to live in an addicted home, and neither do you.

Keep posting , we are here with you.

brownhorse

I was you 3 years ago! I am so sorry you are going through this. When I left my XAH I had to leave my then 3 year old with him alone overnight for the first time ever. It was the hardest thing I ever did!!! But, I realized a few nights every other week was easier than living every night in fear of what would happen next. Fast forward three years, I have full custody with supervised visitation. Your husband is not going to be allowed to drink and care for your children for long. I am not saying that leaving is your only option. It was the right choice for me. I had two experiences in Alanon that helped me come to this choice. I will share them with you.

1) I had an Adult child of an alcoholic tell me they did not blame their dad for drinking. He was an alcoholic. He blamed his mother. The one that was suppose to be rational and protect him. He came home to chaos every day and she could not protect him from that. With an alcoholic you never know what you are going to get. He felt his mom could of rescued him and didn't. He saw her as not protecting him.

2) a mom looked at me shaking and in tears. I said the same things you said, aspen, I will not let him be alone with my children. This mom looked right at me and said she wished she had been as brave as me. Her children were in their early 20's and both have so many emotional issues. She wished to god she had saved them for the daily drama of living with an A.

I have had many nights where I laid awake and prayed my kids were safe. Read my posts, but in the end you have to do what is best for you. At 11 and 7, your kids are old enough to call you if they feel uncomfortable. I know that is hard to imagine, but trust me, if I can do this and it is what you want, you can do it and it will be ok!

LexieCat

You are NOT going to be able to shield the kids from their dad's drinking. No matter what you do, no matter how distracting or entertaining you are (and YES, that has to be exhausting!) you are not going to be able to do it. The kids are confused and sad. That does NOT make for a happy childhood. Plus, no matter how you try to hide it, the kids are going to pick up on your distress and worry.

Maybe you don't have to leave this second, but if I were you I would be talking with a lawyer about what your options might be. Talking to a lawyer commits you to nothing. But my bet is that you are not NEARLY as trapped as you think you are--your own imaginings are usually much worse than reality.

brownhorse has been there. So have lots of other moms and dads. They make it work. All that energy you are putting into hiding dad's drinking from the kids could instead be put into building a happy life for you and the kids away from the chaos.

Think about it....