Readysteady

The issues I have with my drinking PALES in comparison to a family members drinking. He is in bad health, stubborn, manipulative at times, although a good person.

My brother (late 40s) has had serious health issues for about 6 years now, a good bit of it from drinking. When he would be at his worst, (at different times), he was up to around 30 beers and a pint of liquor a day. He's had pancreatitis, gall bladder out, several broken bones, been in rehab a few times and probably a couple of things I can't think of at the moment. The last hospital stay he had edema and is still swollen months later. He said he has some liver damage.

Since being out from his last stay, he's been much craftier at hiding how much he drinks. A few weeks after he was out he did state he was having "a couple here n there"........but just admitted to me he's been drinking a 1.75L bottle a day!!! He said he doesn't have long to live. He says he's in constant pain, and his feet and legs are swollen bad. He's often moody and can be very critical at times.

Here's the thing.....I kept telling him to go in. He keeps saying he has to "take care of some things". He always puts off going til it's real bad. He has almost no responsibilities. Whenever he goes in, he doesn't show us the report or let us talk directly with those treating him, so we're always partly left in the dark. He always winds up drinking again, even when they told him (on several stays) NO DRINKING. This s**t has to end!
What can I do????

Pelican

Tell him the same exact words someone told you that got you sober.





If that doesn't work, commit to the 3 C's of his addiction:

You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it

SolTraveler

It doesn't sound like there is much you can do, unfortunately. What Pelican said is accurate - remember the Cs. it is ultimately up to him to change and you may need to detach.

Readysteady

Thanks Soltraveller and Pelican. Pelican, I'm not sober, lol. I was saying that whatever problems I have with drinking, they have nothing on my brothers. I don't get moodswings, no health problems (yet), not impossible to deal with, etc. I mainly only drink in the later evening hours to "cap off the night". But yeah, I know it holds me back in life.

Readysteady

I wish I could move out and just rent a small apartment that's all mine and not have to tense up, with someone to "answer to", but I don't make alot of money now and am in debt. He is a good guy but I'm always on eggshells cause you never know what you say....or how you look a certain way...or just happened to innocently sigh....will trigger them into a rant that's full of putdowns and accusations.

I am worried sick for him (yes I know he did it to himself) and I can't just not worry. I'm all for tough love but the head of household doesn't know how to handle the situation, in fact he makes it worse. If I had the authority I would've had this straightened out a couple of years ago! He is in bad shape, you can see it in his eyes. Why he won't just go in yet is beyond me. He waits til hes really bad everytime. It's bad enough worrying about my own life.

Pelican

On this side of the recovery fence, we are learning to take our focus off of the addicted loved one while learning to focus on our own recovery.

After I realized that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable, I began to take positive steps in my own recovery. I had to put down the magnifying glass that kept me focused on my alcoholic loved one, and pick up the mirror and look at my own issues. Issues that kept me stuck in toxic relationships.

There is a slogan:

"Work the kind of recovery you want them to work."

If you start taking steps to address your alcoholism, it might happen that your brother sees you making positive changes and desires to make his own changes. What's the worst that could happen? You save money that went to booze and have money to rent a room somewhere else?

Readysteady

Hmmm, that does make sense, Pelican. I have cut back some, and am trying to take it a step more. I thought about being a good influence on him by quitting myself. I recall however, his past few girlfriends (back when he had an apartment) ironically didn't drink and he was drinking heavy! Bad bad drama too. Thanks again, I'm hearing what you stated. When I think of the money, I'd be giving myself a 20% raise at the income level I'm at, lol.

fantail

RS, it's different knowing someone who doesn't drink (his exes) and knowing someone who had a problem with alcohol and quit. I don't think I ever really considered quitting seriously until an acquaintance with a major drinking problem... probably the worst off of all of my friends... quit. Seeing him do it, and how happy he became, and how he stuck with it, gave me confidence.

If you quit it needs to be for you, of course, not for your brother. But it may have the side effect of helping him see a way out, too. At the very least it'll give you a lot more insight into the process so that whenever he does decide to give it up, you'll be ready to help him through it.

Readysteady

Thanks Fantail. It would be a good influence if anything but I'm way too rattled over this. We argued today over him not going in, but hopefully he will tomorrow. My stress is off the charts.

wicked

From what you wrote, your brother seems determined to drink himself to death. I do not know what you can do about him, but I do have a suggestion for you.

Take care of yourself. If drinking is your way of dealing with stress, just look at your brother and you will see what happens down the road. It does not get better, or slack off with age, or any other BS.

What can you do?

Stop drinking. Start recovery. Go to meetings. Find a way out of this situation. It will kill him, (if he does not stop) but it doesn't have to kill you. Get better.
I drank enough to float a battleship, but I am still here. I got sober and I got better.
Learned how to live for real, and not inside my head. A damned lonely place.
I had an acute pancreatic attack last year, it was HORRIBLE! I thought I was having a heart attack, and I did think I would die. I had fifteen years without alcohol at that point. I could never drink after that. Never ever.

Please do what you can to save yourself. Your brother does not want anyone's help it seems. Use whatever strength you have to get right yourself.
Beth

pravchaw

That is why they call this a progressive disease.

Readysteady

Thanks Pravchaw, thanks Wicked, er um, Beth. I'll reach that point at some point. For now I can say that I've cut back some here n there lately. I'm not hardcore, and don't want to be.

I hate to say it, but my brother probably is one of those who will never learn. How many times can someone go in the hospital because of alcohol related issues, (twice close to death), and still wind up drinking bad enough to have to go in again? I'm at wits end cause I feel so bad for him when he cries from the pain, then is very stubborn and argumentive over doing the right stuff, including getting in the ER to be on the way to getting better. Says he wants to go in, but "maybe tomorrow.or the next day". This has been going
ff n on for several years! Ugh.

Readysteady

PS....he's had several pancreatic attacks. I've seen the pain he went through....THAT didn't do it!

Glad you did the right thing though, and thanks for the input.