notmytime

My husband has FINALLY started going to AA. He was sober for 27 days before he fell off the wagon. Prior to joining AA I had threatened, cajoled, begged and pleaded. His mother in law even told me to divorce him. He has promised so many times to get clean, and now my kids are heartbroken again. I want him out of the house. My mother in law NOW says I'm not being supportive. I asked her if he had been physically abusing them, went and got help but then started abusing them again would she still feel the same way? She said it's not the same at all.......she didn't see the terror on my 12-year-old's face. No, he isn't physically violent, but he is still hurting them. Thoughts? I am so upset right now I don't know what to do. He has apologized (again) and is still going to go to meetings.

Pamel

Well, your post really struck home with me. I am on your husband's side of the fence. I had a lot of sobriety when I got married for the 3rd time, but I have had a number of relapses since then, and have very little hope of rebuilding the love and trust in this relationship. Unfortunately for those around us, we addicts have a serious problem and there is no guarantee that we will stay sober.

Obviously, your husband is trying, and he may make it but it could be a long bumpy road. I am taking our relationship at face value while I work at putting myself together here (all I can do) but I do not blame him if he wants out. That said, love and support is critical to recovery but I have to get mine in the rooms of AA for now.

You may want to think about separating for a year (or more) until your husband can stay sober for a year. It is not unusual for this to happen and for the alcoholic to move into a halfway house. A tough road for sure, but he needs to focus on his recovery and not endanger the family anymore. For me, the hardest thing has been being home again and seeing the hurt and loss of love in my husband's eyes-almost too much to bear but I cannot turn to alcohol again, so I am doing everything suggested to stay sober this time so that we may have a brighter future.

Mountainmanbob

Impurrfect

((notmytime)) - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

I know, with me, there came a time when I was just done. Too much had happened, and though my exes (yeah, 3 of them!) never tried recovery, even if they had it would have been too little, too late.

You have the right and responsibility to take care of YOU and the kids. You are the ones living with him, not your MIL.

I do hope you keep reading and posting, as the people here are awesome. You may also want to check out an al-anon meeting, as they help a lot of people learn to take care of themselves, no matter what the alcoholic does.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

wiscsober

Absolutely..keep the focus on yourself and the children. As posted seek out Alanon in your area. A main motto of AFG is you didn't cause it (his alcoholism), can't control it, can't cure it.

His sobriety and actions are his responsibility.

You are doing well. Welcome to SR

atalose

Try not to seek comfort or support from his family. Not sticking up for your mother in law here but she is not as in tune with his alcoholism as you are. She views him seeking help and you leaving him at his time of need. bla bla bla

It’s with that “he apologized again” that you need to figure out how many of those are you willing to hear and accept?

And is he just going to AA to appease you so that “his world” won’t change by divorce?

notmytime

He went the first time to appease me, but after that he has been all in. He has formally recognized himself as an alcoholic, has been going to meetings, talking with his sponsor, working the steps. I definitely don't think that part is an act. I know he WANTS to be sober. MIL is just pissing me off. I am never right about anything....the way I keep my house, the way I raise my kids, etc. She's in her mid 70's. I'm 50 and too damn old for this BS.

fairlyuncertain

Invite your MIL to an al anon meeting with you. Al anon offers a great education about what is support and what is enabling.

MIL's with perfect sons who turn out to be alcoholics....argh. That could be its own thread! and I could write the whole thing!! Of course it must be the wife's fault, not their perfect little boy. Maybe she also thinks you could manage his drinking....its a common misconception, that people around alcoholics can just reason with them and they'll see what they're doing is wrong, then stop.
Best of luck to you and your kids!

Janitw

Hello notmytime = lol I had a MIL like that back in 06 and she said my XAH
may not have left me and the kids if I had been a better wife !! Really?? She
too pissed me off so bad...lol Apparently her son walked on water. My grown children still have the mind movies going on and have not spoken to their father since 2005 when he left. They are 26 and 29 years old. You need to be the strongest mother right now because the kids you have NEED to see that no matter what they have one strong, healthy, sane parent. You will understand why I say this much later on - just have to trust me on this one. Let the kids see your strength in protecting them and do not listen to one word from MIL - remember she raised him and will make every excuse she can for him like my MIL did. In the end I told her that now he is her problem not mine have a good life. I am glad to hear that he is in AA ... the wise men and women in those rooms will help guide him if he opens up and shares the truth of his life with them.

Janitw

notmytime

MIL doesn't think her son walks on water and definitely doesn't see me as the problem. I didn't mean it to come across as such. I'm wrong about many things (in her eyes) but not that. It's so complicated and so hard to put the whole thing into words. So many dynamics, etc.

Janitw

I hear you sweetie - we are hear for you ok. Vent all you need to.
click on any of our names to read our histories and please read the
stickies at the top.

Janitw

notmytime

Thanks

theuncertainty

AXH's family still throws me for a loop sometimes (FIL and SIL - my MIL passed away a few years into our marriage). I just don't get them and they keep trying to attribute the same issues they have in their family and/or with AXH to me. They definitely understand that their brother/son is not perfect, but at the same time... I don't know.... I don't get them is the only thing I can say.

Once I stopped expecting them to behave the way my family would (the way I feel a family "should") the easier it's been to let go of the need to understand them. (Doesn't hurt that they're basically ignoring the fact that I exist at the moment. )

pravchaw

Recovery is rarely a straight line up, lapses and relapses are part of the recovery process. I posted a blog in this some time ago. Check it out to see if it helpful. It was helpful to me (or at least parts of it).