McKrazy

my beautiful but emotionally beaten sister in law is about to let her husband move back home after nine months of him "experimenting" with single life and seeing how the other half lives and if he wants to leave her. He had relationships with several women during that time. It's left her pretty scarred and the emotional stuff she deals with with him is so similar minus the addiction.... it's scary. I'm just checking to see if any of you know of a site like this one where she could go to learn and vent and try to achieve personal serenity despite his manipulation. Since he's moving home soon, she's feeling her sanity creep away again, but feels it's best for her kids to try to make a go of it. Any suggestions?
I keep bragging how wonderful you all are and how I've become so healed in the process of changing my outlook and insides. I just want the same for her.
Thanks all,
Pam

best

Tell her LOCK THE DOOR

unless there is a HUGE change in who he is... a pagan life style to that of a full believing Christian life style type of change... From personal experience, he will repeat it again. A safe port in the storm is what she will become.
No one...male or female deserves such treatment. The kick in the teeth his actions must feel like for her, I am sure she is sitting on a pile of low self esteem. Just as AA teaching, we can't be held responsable for the other's choices and shouldn't blame ourself...it is there issue to deal with. That is what she needs to hear and understand. His actions are caused by his issues. Nothing she could have said or done would have stopped him.
I am sure if you ask, she would tell you how she bent over backwards trying to hold things together before he left.
His issues...let him deal with them and until she has seen enough of a change that tells her...he will never do such things again...in my opinion (based on my own personal experiences) She should lock the door and tell him...Seee ya

amarie

There's a web site called SurvivingInfidelity.com that I have gone to. There's a great group of people there also. Maybe she can check it out, but my advice is also to lock the door. I took my husband back and I have been sorry ever since. Nothing has changed and I am very unhappy. He's always telling me how happy he is and how he loves HIS life. Never has he asked "what can I do for you to make you happy?". Flowers on Valentines day would have been nice! It's very selfish of a man to want to be on his own, leave you with the kids, so he can check out single life. If I had to do it over again, I would have never let him come back. I was better off without him.

Gracie1953

I couldn't agree more with the others. Don't let him back in. There's not much worse in terms of emotional abuse than being used and having your own need and feelings ignored. Have you sister visit this site and read some of the stories here.

Hugs,

Gracie

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi McTired.

None of us are good about accepting advice where our obsessions lie. I admire you for trying to find a way to support your sister emotionally in spite of what may seem like a poor decision. I have heard other people endorse the site amarie suggested. Since you said your sister's situation is a lot like yours minus the drugs, she might want to look for a CoDA meeting.

Hugs!
Smoke

dax

Survivinginfidelity.com is a great site with wonderful people. Good luck. dax

myles1

Tell her to lock the door!

Finding her a web-site and this web-site will be good. Anyman who leaves his family to try out singlehood and then wants to come back is the lowest of the low. But........as you know it's up to your siser to get to the point to tell him to kiss-off. She's probably got self-esteem issues big time from his nonsense.

Ngaire

boryad

Long story short (yeah right, like I'm capable of such a thing!), CoDA is a great place for your SIL. I found SR when I was looking for "help" when my A suggested I join Al-Anon. I attended 3 Al-Anon meetings, I wasn't comfortable as my root "issues" are not relative to my A. I attended a couple of AA meetings, just to try to understand my A and what he might be experiencing (we had 5 weeks of silence between us due to detox and 30 day restriction at his residence house). He started NA as well and I was just starting to "dive" into Nar-Anon and it was here at SR, in the Nar-Anon forum, that I found more threads/posts that were general in nature, hence, CoDA. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in the least bit adverse towards AA, NA, Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon...I'm sure those forums/fellowships will become part of my life when the time comes and I'm reading/learning as much as I can now, BUT, since I'm dealing w/MY SELF, MY emotions, MY wrecked self-esteem, MY self-worth, etc. due to years w/a non-A and his needs, his abuse, his selfishness, not only is CoDA the right place for me, but someplace I feel truly comfortable and where I truly feel like I "belong".

Sounds like I'm leaping from the frying pan into the fire (or is it the other way around?) going from an abuser who's left only a shell of SWC behind to an A, but my A and I are on the same page w/regards to recovery for each of ourselves. We have a mutual respect and trust for each other. He may relapse, I know, and my faith may be tested. He gave up all his addictions (before I even knew of them all!) so he wouldn't "lose" me. I'll take the chance with my A ANY day rather than live a life of pseudo love (the non-A's words are quacking) and living my life solely for the purpose of someone else's endeavors and happiness w/out regards to my own.

Hmmm, seems I've learned something. :LMAO

McTired, it seems CoDA is not as easily "found" as Al-Anon or Nar-Anon but I really encourage your SIL to try and find a meeting or at the very least, visit SR. She needs support if she's going to open the door to her serenity. I keep misplacing my serenity but now that I've located a CoDA meeting, Step Study, "Big Book", etc., I KNOW I found the right fellowship for me, to find me, to be me while the non-A can keep on quackin'.

P.S. Besides, if I don't hook up w/my A when the time is right for both of us, pray tell what would I bring to this forum?

Blondie

Just my two cents, but: You said she was taking him back because it would be best for the kids? What kind of message is she sending them? If they are little girls it's showing them that a man can treat you with no respect and you are supposed to put up with it. If her children are boys she is showing them that a woman should put up with anything a man does to her.

If her spouse is verbally abusive and manipulative there is a website called Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse website (someone at that website told me about this one a long time ago). It is a good place to vent.

myles1

I know when we were kids my mother did that exact same thing, took my father back after she caught him having an affair and he continued on for a few more years until finally she kicked him out for good.

I can say that my trust issues with men run deep and I grew up with a man can do anything to you and you are supposed to take it lesson.

Ngaire

bookworm

She's feeling her sanity creeping away again? Then what on earth is she doing letting him back into her life? Survivinginfidelity IS a good site, but why don't you recommend that she comes here as well? There are many on this board who have suffered the pain and hearbreak of cheating - good luck and hugs to you and your sis-in-law
HugZ
Sandra