lizatola

I believe that I've had many times where I've 'felt' change, usually a feeling in my heart that comes from something in my subconscious, that little voice talking to me. Then, there are other times when I've probably heard that little voice but have chosen to ignore it or disregard it as untrue, etc.

I am at a point where I feel restless, I feel stronger, and I feel confident in my recovery. Not sure what my immediate future holds but I do know that there is something going on within my heart, mind, and soul that is new and I just pray that it keeps me on track as I continue with my recovery.

With that said, what were your recovery turning points? Were they lightbulb 'aha' moments or did things occur slowly? For everyone, I'm sure it's different and I was just curious as to how others have handled their recoveries?

LaTeeDa

I remember a turning point in joint counseling when my AH said to me "you're not going to tell me what to do." And I said "do whatever you want, and I will do what I need to do." And I meant it. I think it was the first time ever he just sat there with his mouth open and didn't say anything. I was also surprised because I don't think I ever really believed that I couldn't control him until that moment.

L

Florence

For me and my recovery, it was a series of small shifts. It wasn't one thing that clicked, first something clicked and then it was click!click!click!click!click!click! And then there was no going back. It was like getting glasses -- I had no idea my eyes were that bad until I could see clearly! Then I mourned all the lost time and opportunity. I feel pretty good now.

Regarding my AH and his behavior, I took a chance with the SR advice, took an emotional step back from his drama, and gave myself permission not to freak out over his every move. When he drank, I made him leave the house. Over time it became very routine. This was just his pattern, I accepted it. One time he left and I just said no more, and I changed the locks on the doors. I haven't let him back and I won't because I will no longer accept this kind of treatment from a partner.

bless5

For me it was a mix of slow changes with big Ah-Ha Moments! One moment was when I decided that I was going to be happy, with or without my AH, no matter what, and I told him. If he drank, I was not happy. End of discussion....

Another was when I realized that I didn't have to participate in another argument with him about his drinking, EVER! It's the only thing we ever fought about and it was the same argument, over and over again for years. I finally set some boundaries, and NEVER looked back. He tried to start something, but I would not engage. After about the fourth time, he knew something had changed in me, and then EVERYTHING changed!!!

lizatola

I guess I feel like Florence did, like the 'clicks' are coming faster and I'm seeing more and more. Not only about my AH but also about myself. It's becoming quite an eyeopening experience.

sober1ck

First decent night sleep in days, only to wake up to more drama. Drunk gf saying she needs her car to get to her eval. Really? Some of us work for a living.

MsPINKAcres

((Liz))
I may have shared this before - I had been seeking direction, wanting to know when it was time for me to take action, looking for that sign, I was preparing for a granddaughters bday party and in cleaning house in the laundry room I found drugs on the floor.
I prayed aloud "Lord I can't have my grandbabies exposed to this, it's just not safe any more. They shouldn't have to be exposed to this and have to live this way."
and in the clearest voice I have ever heard (but not spoken if that makes any sense)
I heard "and neither should you"

I move out within two weeks and never looked back! I finally had my sign.

There were many moments, hours and days of recovery work that lead up to that but that was the moment I knew I was free - totally and completely free ~ regardless!

You will know when and if that moment ever comes for you ~

pink hugs ~

LoveMeNow

Liz ~ I would highly recommend you calling the churches in your area to see if they are or will be offering a class on Untangling Relations, a Christian perspective on codependency. It was the best thing I have done for my recovery. It was a 14 week class, workbook and all. Although I liked Codependent No More, I found this book far more helpful. Like many codependent Christians, even my relationship with God had become warped.

The clicks came so fast and so powerful, I was shocked at how much I didn't know about myself. It was very empowering!

MrsDarcy

For me, its mostly been a series a of baby-steps and slow realizations. I've been very gradually lifting away the blinders, letting go of my denial and waking up to things I've just been outright blind too. (Having lived nearly my entire life under the same roof with an alcoholic, I'm finally seeing how little I know about how a "good" relationship is supposed to operate).

A couple of things that have helped me see what I've been avoiding--
1) reading through the Normies thread, I was stunned at how much of the that stuff I could relate to and 2) watching my husband drinking more than ever (although I don't literally watch him, because he almost never drinks in front of me cuz he thinks he's hiding it--THAT always works) after one of his oldest and closest, but deeply addicted and troubled, friends killed himself. Seeing him sink deeper and deeper into a behavior that helped destroy someone we both loved instead of running from it with everything in him finally made me truly realize that I'm dealing with something far beyond my power.

Thumper

I did not have any 'recovery' before I filed for divorce. I had wanted to leave for a long time (years) but things happened and as time progressed my thinking got even more toxic and unhealthy. I was so mired down. There were four things that led to me talking to a lawyer. The lawyer told me to go to al-anon and I also found SR that night and then my recovery began. It was a rough road.

6mos prior I had told him that he needed to stop drinking so much and if he needed help to do that he should get it. It wasn't OK with me to raise our boys like that. Of course he agreed but nothing changed. That summer he was mowing and three of my boys were trailing after him pretending to mow. A perfect visual of them walking in his footsteps. Then all three walked over to the cooler and pretended to drink a beer. Tears came to my eyes it was so sad. Then we went on vacation together later that summer and he was drunker than usual the entire time. It was terrible terrible terrible. I was in a very very dark place. Very shut down, depressed, and hopeless. I've never been so tired. My cousin gave me a hug as we left and said "My heart is breaking for you. If you ever need anything call me."

That comment was like a bolt. How did my life end up being heartbreaking? It pissed me off and opened my eyes to about half of what I had been ignoring (the rest would come with more recovery). Within a week of being home I had filed for divorce and found daycare for my babies.

After that decision had been made I had a lot of recovery to work through and that part is mostly documented here at SR. It was hard. One conversation that helped me know in my head that I was strong enough to keep walking through this was when he said something along the lines of "you'll be sorry. I'll be sober and successful and you'll have nothing when you could have had everything we dreamed of." He was still drinking then (relapsed after rehab) and saying that he'd stop drinking if I promised to stay. It was so clear to me in that moment and I simply said "I'd rather have a sober ex husband than a drunk current husband." and I really really really meant it.

Hang in there Liz. I waited so long to leave (and was so confused with such unhealthy thought patterns) that it was more about saving myself then leaving a bad situation. You are smart to do some recovery first. Keep walking though, don't get stuck.

Jazzman

My situation was very different. Having once lived with an alcoholic father I was in no mood to see that movie again. Not to mention there was no way I was going to expose my own children to a nasty drunk stepmother so I kicked her out. Then I worried about my own recovery.

It was two years before I kicked her out and in that time she did two separate 30 day rehabs. My support for her struggle faded as did her attempts at sobriety. But sadly sobriety just wasn't in the cards for her.

You ever read over at the ACOA forum? Good way to get a glimpse into your son's possible future. You don't have all the time you think you have.

AnvilheadII

mine were that moment when i realized i HAD to change the course of my life immediately and not waste one more second - REGARDLESS of what any one else around me did or did not do. their actions or inactions were no longer MY concern.

theuncertainty

I think the point where I started to actively work towards my recovery (rather than trying to 'help' AXH with his) was well after I'd left him. He had gone to a 30 day rehab out of state and just gotten back. We'd met for lunch and I'd asked what he thought about DS, about us, about the program. His response to the questions about the program was: Every one keeps telling me I was sick, but I don't see it.

I immediately thought: Sh-t. I don't want to deal with this anymore. And as he kept talking about how it was the hard stuff, never the beer, I realized: I don't have to.

Terrispots

Excellent excellent point.

owathu

Your last quote stuck out at me. I told my husband almost the same thing. If you can only be sober out of my life and out of this relationship, I would rather have you alive, sober and happy than with me in this marriage.

And I realized, jesus, my even saying this is so co-dependant. And I don't mean that in a bad way. But, I should have told him that I deserve more than to have a drunk husband and I am not doing it anymore.

That's how screwed up our thinking can get. And I do mean it: If something in our relationship triggers him to drink, then our relationship needs to end.

What I think is happening is that he is not following any sort of program, and thus not learning how to live a sober life. But, that is not my fault, nor my problem anymore. He has to figure it out on his own.

And now I need to figure out why I was OK with it for 10 years. (Alanon meetings)

Argnotthisagain

Gee...I feel like I've been through SO much, I have trouble remembering all of them! Ai-yi-yi! :choke:

I guess my most recent leap of improvement that I've been going to a new therapist and a Dr. who does acupuncture for about a month.

This has been really really helpful. Definitely needed to do it. I procrastinated for a littke while, but finally a friend recommended the Dr. And I had researched therapists who work with people who have grief and trauma issues.

wicked

This. So much of this. I was newly sober with two kids under 6 and my ex started again after a six week inpatient.
He found a "friend" to drink with. Bigger boobs I think was his second reason, the first was "she is fun and you are not". Not drinking meant no fun to him.
I looked around, and I was living my MOTHERS life. Young children, drunken cheating husband. Disrespectful to the point of my own child calling me a b***h.
There was no time left then. I knew how that story ended for me.
A bitter old lady who rarely smiled again.
Not for me. No thank you.

outonalimb

It's hard to pinpoint just one moment..but two things really stick out.

The first was when I found myself standing in the middle of our living room screaming at my exah because he had relapsed AGAIN. Although really, looking back, it probably wasn't a relapse because he never found recovery. He didn't need it. He was terminallly unique. Oh my Gosh, all those conversations that went round and round and round about his drinking. So many 'relapses'. Some made me sad. Some made me angry. But this one that I'm talking about in particular made me downright crazy. I stood in the middle of that livingroom screaming at the top of my lungs. My hands were shaking. I felt my heart racing. I was afraid I might have a heart attack or stroke. I felt completely and totally out of control. And just at that moment, my son (who was 12 at the time) turned the corner and he looked at me with a look of real fear in his eyes. I had to run and lock myself in the bathroom. I dropped to my knees and surrendered. I realized that my exah's drinking and my battle against it was turning me into a very sick woman. And the one thing I valued most about myself...the fact that I'm a good, loving mom, was in question because my illness....my obsession with fixing him...my seething anger....were all getting in the way of my being the mom and the woman I know I am meant to be. At that very moment, I was forced to surrender for the sake of my sanity and the wellbeing and emotional health of our son.

The second most powerful moment was when I did my 4th step and then shared it with my sponsor in step 5. For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.

dandylion

outonalimb--this is a very powerful post--Thank you!

If I could count the number of times that I felt--and acted--that degree of "crazy" when I felt driven to the brink of dealing with my A's.

Seeing that their disease was making me crazy was the turning point for me. I truly realized that I could not control this disease (or the A's), It is truly bigger than me!

sincerely, dandylion

Thumper

Such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing! I sure can relate to what you said here.