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Your recovery turning points?

Old 05-01-2013, 08:15 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I remember yelling at my kids "and they where BABIES at the time" --i was thinking to myself this is nuts...and crazy...and this has to stop....

my pain was so raw with the death of my husband and why and more whys....(did not know the underline reasons) and DENIAL

step one...when i really absorbed it...i realized....

and SR is a great place
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:37 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by outonalimb View Post
It's hard to pinpoint just one moment..but two things really stick out.

The first was when I found myself standing in the middle of our living room screaming at my exah because he had relapsed AGAIN. Although really, looking back, it probably wasn't a relapse because he never found recovery. He didn't need it. He was terminallly unique. Oh my Gosh, all those conversations that went round and round and round about his drinking. So many 'relapses'. Some made me sad. Some made me angry. But this one that I'm talking about in particular made me downright crazy. I stood in the middle of that livingroom screaming at the top of my lungs. My hands were shaking. I felt my heart racing. I was afraid I might have a heart attack or stroke. I felt completely and totally out of control. And just at that moment, my son (who was 12 at the time) turned the corner and he looked at me with a look of real fear in his eyes. I had to run and lock myself in the bathroom. I dropped to my knees and surrendered. I realized that my exah's drinking and my battle against it was turning me into a very sick woman. And the one thing I valued most about myself...the fact that I'm a good, loving mom, was in question because my illness....my obsession with fixing him...my seething anger....were all getting in the way of my being the mom and the woman I know I am meant to be. At that very moment, I was forced to surrender for the sake of my sanity and the wellbeing and emotional health of our son.

The second most powerful moment was when I did my 4th step and then shared it with my sponsor in step 5. For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.
Wow, thanks for sharing this. I just did my 4th and 5th step with my sponsor and I have come to some scary realizations about myself. I just found out that my AH lied again about his drinking last week and when he started to challenge me on 'what I knew', I just calmly told him, "I don't want to hear any more of your lies. I know the truth, you know the truth, and this conversation is over. I'll call you tomorrow."

I felt very empowered to realize that I actually did have the power to be calm. I did have the ability to speak the truth without getting angry or crying or whatever. I do feel as if I have turned a corner with my progress FOR ME. Although, I still don't know where my marriage is going, I do feel freer than ever before, I guess I am growing after all, LOL?
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:56 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by outonalimb View Post
For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.
Holy carpfish, this is AMAZING, dare I say life-changing...holy carpfish. Thank you, outonalimb.

And lizatola, your comments about realizing you can speak your truth w/o crying, getting upset, etc.--equally inspiring and powerful.

It is an honor and a privilege to be here among you, however bad the circumstances that brought us all here. Great waves of gratitude to all.
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Old 05-01-2013, 09:54 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Thanks Lizatola, as always your posts help me reflect on where I am and bring further progress to my recovery.

I can relate to those turning points of realizing that I was crazy and insane, yelling and screaming to my A and to my kids because I was truly mental. One of my turning points came when I could talk in a quiet voice and separate who I was as a mom from who I was as a person trying to partner with an active A. Another turning point came when I realized that I could move on with my recovery, one step at a time and have a good life, whether my AH was in it or not. (I had already decided that active drinking was not going to be in my life.)

Still progressing, still recovering. Today was a turning point when what was supposed to be a calm discussion of responsibilities and organizing our lives and our children's lives turned into an anger throwing, yelling at me, telling me I'm always b*tching and I calmly said I am not a b*tch, I am a person and I am done, done, done with this interaction.

RAH is almost a year sober and recently opened up to me that he is working on finding himself. It's tough but not an excuse to dump on me and call all my wants and needs "b*tchin". I have worked through many of my shortcomings and readily admit to the times I was throwing my crap around but to keep resorting to seeing me as the b*tch is guaranteed to turn me around and out of here real soon.

As much as I would like our marriage to work, I am more concerned about gaining my own self back. I am becoming more aware of some constant demeaning that is going on from my RAH and if it doesn't change soon, I may have to change my path.

Thanks again and glad you are progressing with your recovery. Take good care.
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Old 05-01-2013, 11:41 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by outonalimb View Post
I stood in the middle of that livingroom screaming at the top of my lungs. My hands were shaking. I felt my heart racing. I was afraid I might have a heart attack or stroke. I felt completely and totally out of control. And just at that moment, my son (who was 12 at the time) turned the corner and he looked at me with a look of real fear in his eyes. I had to run and lock myself in the bathroom. I dropped to my knees and surrendered. I realized that my exah's drinking and my battle against it was turning me into a very sick woman. And the one thing I valued most about myself...the fact that I'm a good, loving mom, was in question because my illness....my obsession with fixing him...my seething anger....were all getting in the way of my being the mom and the woman I know I am meant to be. At that very moment, I was forced to surrender for the sake of my sanity and the wellbeing and emotional health of our son.

The second most powerful moment was when I did my 4th step and then shared it with my sponsor in step 5. For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.
This is brilliant; couldn't agree more, and can't say it any better.

Outonalimb,

Thank you for this today.
~T
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Old 05-01-2013, 11:50 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I guess I feel like Florence did, like the 'clicks' are coming faster and I'm seeing more and more. Not only about my AH but also about myself. It's becoming quite an eyeopening experience.
This is exactly my experience too Liz. Every discovery brings me closer to the next, stronger in my own confidence & more aware of the things I thought I knew about myself but didn't.

I had a big AHA moment (much like outonalimb described) that set the ball rolling into motion for me. Suddenly I just felt empowered & like some of the fog had cleared from my vision. I realized that all along I had been buying what he was selling me even though I knew it was crap, & that made me an active participant in this struggle. That day I stood up for ME & pushed back in ways that I hadn't been doing in a long, long time. Once I hit that milestone, I couldn't go back to seeing things the way I had been even if I wanted to. I had to keep marching forward.

You are SO right about how much Power there is in staying calm..... What a great post Liz!
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Old 05-01-2013, 12:05 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I know I have more turning points to come yet, but...I've definitely had some pivotal moments with this disease...

The first was watching him drunkenly try to form a coherent sentence while talking to me on the couch. He was interrupting everything I said, and painfully trying to have a legitimate serious conversation with me. I normally would have been completely annoyed and just left the house and then given him the silent treatment for 2 days.

Not that time. That time, I just listened. The more I heard, the more I felt sorry for him. Sad that my big, strong hunter / fisherman, Mr fix it, kind, caring, loving dream man was just SO sick. I still get mad...but that changed everything for me. It changed me from reading about recovery, to practicing detachment and actually gaining some understanding about the steps.
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Old 05-01-2013, 01:43 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I think part of recovery is sort of like strength training - you don't notice how the effort pays off day to day and then one day you just realize that lifting the kayak off the roof is so much easier than it used to be...

I had one of those moments of realization today.
I've said to myself for seven years that the consequences A(now X)H suffers because of his drinking ate the consequences he suffers because of his drinking. It's not my fault if he sleeps in his own vomit, falls down the stairs, or gets a DUI. For some reason, today it has grown to a truth that I believe withy whole being. I have been able to let go of my guilt over HIS side of the street bein a mess because I've focused on cleaning up MY side.
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Old 05-01-2013, 04:18 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
This is exactly my experience too Liz. Every discovery brings me closer to the next, stronger in my own confidence & more aware of the things I thought I knew about myself but didn't.

I had a big AHA moment (much like outonalimb described) that set the ball rolling into motion for me. Suddenly I just felt empowered & like some of the fog had cleared from my vision. I realized that all along I had been buying what he was selling me even though I knew it was crap, & that made me an active participant in this struggle. That day I stood up for ME & pushed back in ways that I hadn't been doing in a long, long time. Once I hit that milestone, I couldn't go back to seeing things the way I had been even if I wanted to. I had to keep marching forward.

You are SO right about how much Power there is in staying calm..... What a great post Liz!
Yes, I totally understand this! I can't believe how easy it was to just hang up the phone, why didn't I ever do that sooner??? And, yes, the buying what they are selling thing: I can't tell you how many times I bought it all; hook, line, and sinker and then wound up being sunk myself. It's the eternal optimist in me. I am trying to be more realistic. I still have hope that our marriage can work, but I have to put myself first. If he doesn't want sobriety or a peaceful serene life, than that's on him. I am no longer afraid of being alone in the future because I have so much support in real life through program and church, etc that it's really opened up my world.

Thanks for the support here, too!!
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Old 05-01-2013, 10:37 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I understand What you mean lizatola, I think I too have made a lot of progress these past couple of months. I suffered with so much guilt all the time about saying NO to my AH. About standing up for me, for what I want, and for what I am comfortable doing or not doing. I think some of my most recent turning points have been standing up for my boundaries that I set. I didn't cave. I also find that I just don't yell and scream or freak out like I did. And I could FREAK OUT with the best of them. I find it's just not worth my time or energy. I may acknowledge he was out till 2 am, with a sentence the next day, but that's it, no more. Walking away, carrying on.

I also am finding that I am replacing the anger I had with more of a sadness for him. I have a life that has meaning without a substance, I am here to enjoy my kids and my life while he wastes endless hours in a bar. He is missing so much due to a disease that has taken control of his mind and soul and changed the man he used to be. It's very sad to me. But, I've fully realized there is nothing I can do for him. I'm sure I have more changes to come- just as you and all the others in this stage. But I must admit it's a good feeling to finally be detaching.
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Old 05-02-2013, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by petmagnet View Post
I understand What you mean lizatola, I think I too have made a lot of progress these past couple of months. I suffered with so much guilt all the time about saying NO to my AH. About standing up for me, for what I want, and for what I am comfortable doing or not doing. I think some of my most recent turning points have been standing up for my boundaries that I set. I didn't cave. I also find that I just don't yell and scream or freak out like I did. And I could FREAK OUT with the best of them. I find it's just not worth my time or energy. I may acknowledge he was out till 2 am, with a sentence the next day, but that's it, no more. Walking away, carrying on.

I also am finding that I am replacing the anger I had with more of a sadness for him. I have a life that has meaning without a substance, I am here to enjoy my kids and my life while he wastes endless hours in a bar. He is missing so much due to a disease that has taken control of his mind and soul and changed the man he used to be. It's very sad to me. But, I've fully realized there is nothing I can do for him. I'm sure I have more changes to come- just as you and all the others in this stage. But I must admit it's a good feeling to finally be detaching.
Thanks for sharing this. I, too, have moved into a sadness for AH more so than anger. After his last binge I realized that I was more angry at myself for having a tiny itty bitty shred of hope, not angry at him anymore. He's going to do what an alcoholic does: drinks. Yet, I realized that we can't rebuild our marriage on lies and broken promises so something has to change. My AH also misses so many things and it's not even because he's drinking, it's just because he's depressed or angry or playing passive aggressive games like the silent treatment. What a waste of time, it's truly sad at this point.
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