Ending it - How to
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
Ending it - How to
Backstory in my other post - 19 years sober. After reading all the thoughtful replies from many of you I have decided to end it. I just need to know how to deal with what I know is going to be a rough time of it.
He will call me tonight like he always does, and when I tell him, I know he will become extremely emotional, and he will pull on my heartstrings, he may resort to trying to make me feel guilty that he has put his business and home for sale for me. I may even feel a bit guilty. We had so many good times, and I had such hope for the future when he went back home. I feel broken-hearted inside that he returned to drinking again. But he did, his choice. He knew that I was not willing to live with him drinking.
I am only human and "want" to believe that he can stop drinking, but deep down in my heart I know the truth, that he probably won't, or it will be a long downward slide before he does and I am not willing to go through that. How do I stay strong going into this and more importantly how do I stay strong in the coming days and weeks?
He will call me tonight like he always does, and when I tell him, I know he will become extremely emotional, and he will pull on my heartstrings, he may resort to trying to make me feel guilty that he has put his business and home for sale for me. I may even feel a bit guilty. We had so many good times, and I had such hope for the future when he went back home. I feel broken-hearted inside that he returned to drinking again. But he did, his choice. He knew that I was not willing to live with him drinking.
I am only human and "want" to believe that he can stop drinking, but deep down in my heart I know the truth, that he probably won't, or it will be a long downward slide before he does and I am not willing to go through that. How do I stay strong going into this and more importantly how do I stay strong in the coming days and weeks?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I would just remind him that the "no drinking" was ALWAYS the condition for your living together, and that you waited as long as you could in the hope that he would address this problem as it needs to be addressed.
If he gets all helpless about where he is going to live, and HOW he is going to live, do not let that become YOUR problem.
As for staying strong, I suggest you keep posting here, and also to find an Al-Anon group.
Making good, healthy choices for yourself is never anything to feel guilty about. It can be difficult to do, though--as many worthwhile things are.
Hugs,
If he gets all helpless about where he is going to live, and HOW he is going to live, do not let that become YOUR problem.
As for staying strong, I suggest you keep posting here, and also to find an Al-Anon group.
Making good, healthy choices for yourself is never anything to feel guilty about. It can be difficult to do, though--as many worthwhile things are.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you stand firm in your own convictions and boundaries....drinking is a deal breaker for you. you did not FORCE him to put his business and home up for sale, he's a 60 year old man and that was within HIS purview. you also did not cause him to take up drinking again, that was again a choice he made.
did you two have plans? yup. and have those plans changed, for YOU? yup. that's life, that's how it goes. you aren't leaving him destitute and homeless. you are simply halting the part where he comes and lives with you.
will it be a tough conversation to have? oh hell yes. do I who doesn't know you from eve believe you can do this? INDEED!
did you two have plans? yup. and have those plans changed, for YOU? yup. that's life, that's how it goes. you aren't leaving him destitute and homeless. you are simply halting the part where he comes and lives with you.
will it be a tough conversation to have? oh hell yes. do I who doesn't know you from eve believe you can do this? INDEED!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
I'm with LC & anvilhead here - you've stated your boundaries already, and now it's time to stand behind them. You did nothing wrong here. He made his choices, and now you have to make yours. Stay strong, keep posting, keep reaching out. 
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear justme11, I am in complete agreement with the other posters that it is in your best i nterest to enforce your boundrys. Sometimes, the right thing is also the hardest thing to do.
Remember that you are speaking your own truth. The truth shall set you free (an old, wise saying).
very sincerely, dandylion
Remember that you are speaking your own truth. The truth shall set you free (an old, wise saying).
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Throughout your entire relationship with him you have made it EXTREMELY clear that you will not be with him if he is drinking. You have enforced this boundary time and time again by moving out and ending the relationship.
You have given him many second chances and stood by him even though he kept violating your boundary. You have enforced your boundary in the past by moving out and this time should be no different. He is aware of your boundary and HE decided to cross it by drinking again. Your right he will pull on all your heartstrings when you tell him that plans have changed but remember that HE knew that drinking was a deal breaker and HE decided to keep drinking and therefore HE made the choice that you two would not be living together.
Sure he sold his business and put his house up for sale, maybe now he can use all that free time to pursue getting into recovery. You held up your end of the bargain and he did not. There is nothing to feel bad about here at all.
As for getting through the up coming weeks, just keep focusing on yourself! Like I said you have done this before and left when he started drinking and you got though those times and you will get through this time. You are so strong and you should be so proud of yourself for putting your needs first and not letting anyone compromise your future. I know that you will be perfectly fine
You have given him many second chances and stood by him even though he kept violating your boundary. You have enforced your boundary in the past by moving out and this time should be no different. He is aware of your boundary and HE decided to cross it by drinking again. Your right he will pull on all your heartstrings when you tell him that plans have changed but remember that HE knew that drinking was a deal breaker and HE decided to keep drinking and therefore HE made the choice that you two would not be living together.
Sure he sold his business and put his house up for sale, maybe now he can use all that free time to pursue getting into recovery. You held up your end of the bargain and he did not. There is nothing to feel bad about here at all.
As for getting through the up coming weeks, just keep focusing on yourself! Like I said you have done this before and left when he started drinking and you got though those times and you will get through this time. You are so strong and you should be so proud of yourself for putting your needs first and not letting anyone compromise your future. I know that you will be perfectly fine
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I just want to tell you that I look to humor when life sticks it to me and ya know that saying when a soon to be ex says... It's not YOU Baby, It's me!
Tell him, It's not me Baby, It's YOU!
I mean, it's not like you're lying! lol
Okay... enough of my funny crap... As far as him blaming you? Why the hell would he blame himself? A wise man once told me, It's easier for me to blame you than myself! And it's so true. And just think, he still has his business and home. He can pull them off the market. I don't know how easy it is to tell a realitor that but if he has money to pee down a drain, he's got money to save his house and business.
Stick to your guns! If you say it, MEAN IT!!! He won't get the point loud n clear if you start drizzle'n syrup all over those waffles! Take the next few weeks and take care of YOU! Change your number and take this time to find yourself because YOU deserve to be happy! Yes, having a companion in life is part of being happy but when they suck the life out of ya... what's the God Damn point?!!!
Good Luck and come here often! Someone is always online to help out! We're here for everyone. (((HUGS)))
Tell him, It's not me Baby, It's YOU!
I mean, it's not like you're lying! lol
Okay... enough of my funny crap... As far as him blaming you? Why the hell would he blame himself? A wise man once told me, It's easier for me to blame you than myself! And it's so true. And just think, he still has his business and home. He can pull them off the market. I don't know how easy it is to tell a realitor that but if he has money to pee down a drain, he's got money to save his house and business.
Stick to your guns! If you say it, MEAN IT!!! He won't get the point loud n clear if you start drizzle'n syrup all over those waffles! Take the next few weeks and take care of YOU! Change your number and take this time to find yourself because YOU deserve to be happy! Yes, having a companion in life is part of being happy but when they suck the life out of ya... what's the God Damn point?!!!
Good Luck and come here often! Someone is always online to help out! We're here for everyone. (((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
It is going to be more difficult this time because unlike in the past when I left him saying take time to figure out what you want, I'll be back if you stop drinking, this time it is going to be a permanent breakup, there will be no going back.
I know he will call in the next hour and I have to be strong. It would be so much easier if he were an ******* but he is not, instead he is a really good man who happens to be an alcoholic, but it is what it is and I can't live with that part of him.
Thanks so much for the support everyone, I know my problems are minor compared to some on here but you don't know how much a bunch of strangers supporting me has meant to me. A sincere heartfelt thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.
I know he will call in the next hour and I have to be strong. It would be so much easier if he were an ******* but he is not, instead he is a really good man who happens to be an alcoholic, but it is what it is and I can't live with that part of him.
Thanks so much for the support everyone, I know my problems are minor compared to some on here but you don't know how much a bunch of strangers supporting me has meant to me. A sincere heartfelt thank you to everyone who took the time to respond.
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