Confused but I feel I shouldn't be
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Confused but I feel I shouldn't be
I've been in this game a long time, as a few of you know (I come and go here very sporadically). I have achieved a stasis in my own serenity which is fine.. except for this recent development has thrown me for a loop:
Last year I took a permaculture course. It was so wonderful and left me with a desire to slowly segue out of my "day job" and do something that would be closer to what I would consider closer to my calling.
So I actually conceived of a new business that would help me do that. I have gotten positive signals from both people and Divine Providence, and I'm pretty happy about it.
The twist is, I invited AH along partially because he's such a good salesman, and I'm such a bad one. So, he took up the task and has done an GREAT job. I'm ready at this point to actually make this a reality, because we have our vendors all lined up--thanks to AH.
Here's the big BUT: He is so on board. He feels it's a chance for him, too. He has lost his own career due to drinking. Now he feels this is something he wants to do.
The problem is, he also wants to stop drinking, but hasn't. I've told him I'm pulling the plug on the business unless he quits, but of course, he hasn't quit.
Now I'm a bit stressed out, because I'm feeling the stress of a brand new business and the need to actually carry on with my day job, too, and if I'm out doing my day job and he's out there drinking on the job that I've created for him, it's just too much for me right now. It's almost laughable that I'm even thinking about parterning with him.
Frankly, I just want to say, F it. Go back to business as usual, with me doing my very lucrative day job. So what if it's not my calling. It pays the bills.
I had a bad dream last night-- I dreamed that he went and gave our church $10,000 without telling me--all the church folk were fawning over him, and I'm just thinking about how we don't have $10k to give away. I really think there's a message there that I can't forget how vulnerable I am to his grandiosity, his irresponsibility, and his lack of interest in fulfilling OUR needs as a couple, and MY needs as an individual.
Writing it out seems obvious. I can't go through with this. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. He's certainly gotten over on me more than once, and I'll be about triply shamed if I naively go into yet another business venture with him.
OK, thanks for listening.
Last year I took a permaculture course. It was so wonderful and left me with a desire to slowly segue out of my "day job" and do something that would be closer to what I would consider closer to my calling.
So I actually conceived of a new business that would help me do that. I have gotten positive signals from both people and Divine Providence, and I'm pretty happy about it.
The twist is, I invited AH along partially because he's such a good salesman, and I'm such a bad one. So, he took up the task and has done an GREAT job. I'm ready at this point to actually make this a reality, because we have our vendors all lined up--thanks to AH.
Here's the big BUT: He is so on board. He feels it's a chance for him, too. He has lost his own career due to drinking. Now he feels this is something he wants to do.
The problem is, he also wants to stop drinking, but hasn't. I've told him I'm pulling the plug on the business unless he quits, but of course, he hasn't quit.
Now I'm a bit stressed out, because I'm feeling the stress of a brand new business and the need to actually carry on with my day job, too, and if I'm out doing my day job and he's out there drinking on the job that I've created for him, it's just too much for me right now. It's almost laughable that I'm even thinking about parterning with him.
Frankly, I just want to say, F it. Go back to business as usual, with me doing my very lucrative day job. So what if it's not my calling. It pays the bills.
I had a bad dream last night-- I dreamed that he went and gave our church $10,000 without telling me--all the church folk were fawning over him, and I'm just thinking about how we don't have $10k to give away. I really think there's a message there that I can't forget how vulnerable I am to his grandiosity, his irresponsibility, and his lack of interest in fulfilling OUR needs as a couple, and MY needs as an individual.
Writing it out seems obvious. I can't go through with this. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. He's certainly gotten over on me more than once, and I'll be about triply shamed if I naively go into yet another business venture with him.
OK, thanks for listening.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear SoloMio, I am somewhat of a latecomer here. I just want to say, that, in general---going into business with an active alcoholic is like serving tea to the devil in a Sunday dress!very sincerely, dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hmmm... I have very mixed feelings about this. Obviously starting a business with an alcoholic is a disaster waiting to happen. OTOH, it seems a shame for this opportunity to pass you by.
Just throwing this out there as an idea you may or may not want to consider. What if you negotiated a contract for the business that very clearly spelled out the rights and responsibilities for each of you, including an "out clause" that either party could invoke? Make it strictly business, IOW. Spell out what each party's rights are in the event of a dissolution by either one of you. Sorta like having a prenup for the business.
You could each consult your own lawyer (and, of course, you should tell your lawyer what your concerns are).
Of course, your own peace of mind is paramount. If you feel it isn't good for you, then it isn't good for you. And it may well be that it isn't.
Sorry if I've added to the dilemma--maybe you can later parlay this into your own business, partnering with someone more trustworthy who has the same skill set.
Just throwing this out there as an idea you may or may not want to consider. What if you negotiated a contract for the business that very clearly spelled out the rights and responsibilities for each of you, including an "out clause" that either party could invoke? Make it strictly business, IOW. Spell out what each party's rights are in the event of a dissolution by either one of you. Sorta like having a prenup for the business.
You could each consult your own lawyer (and, of course, you should tell your lawyer what your concerns are).Of course, your own peace of mind is paramount. If you feel it isn't good for you, then it isn't good for you. And it may well be that it isn't.
Sorry if I've added to the dilemma--maybe you can later parlay this into your own business, partnering with someone more trustworthy who has the same skill set.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Thanks.. yes, I definitely have my antennae up. LexieCat, that did cross my mind, drawing up something legal. I just think his drinking is stronger than an iron-clad contract.
I really have to do some serious thinking.. thanks for your support, Beth. And I laughed, dandylion, at your devil in a Sunday dress!
I have been meditating on my own tendency to "sabotage my success" (I've done that SO often) and so I really have to be sure that if I do give it up, I'm not using AH as an excuse. I have to fail or succeed on my own terms!
I really have to do some serious thinking.. thanks for your support, Beth. And I laughed, dandylion, at your devil in a Sunday dress!
I have been meditating on my own tendency to "sabotage my success" (I've done that SO often) and so I really have to be sure that if I do give it up, I'm not using AH as an excuse. I have to fail or succeed on my own terms!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My own personal experience is that for far too long I got what I settled for, and in the end it was not enough. I will never forget when I enrolled in college full-time to finish my degree at age 50. I felt sheer terror but pushed through that because I had a dream to pursue, and no one was going to get in my way.
What do you want your life to look like when you reflect back years later?
Is a mundane job that pays the bills enough for you in the long-run? Just food for thought.
Sending you hugs of support from Kansas!
What do you want your life to look like when you reflect back years later?
Is a mundane job that pays the bills enough for you in the long-run? Just food for thought.
Sending you hugs of support from Kansas!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
most lawyers will offer a free consultation. visit one or two and ask how you can go forward, and still protect yourself. Maybe you set things up so you own the business and hire your A? That way you can fire him if need be? Idk, but I bet an afternoon asking questions of an expert might help you achieve your dream. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I don't know... I wouldn't do it. Under any circumstances. Your dream is too precious to risk in that manner, and it smells like enabling to me.
Maybe tell him when he has a year of sobriety under his belt that he is welcome to join you.
Just my 2 cents.
Maybe tell him when he has a year of sobriety under his belt that he is welcome to join you.
Just my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
SoloMio....
I don't think this is self-sabotage at work. It sounds like your gut or intuition are telling you something. There has to be a way that you can make this work without the participation of your AH. Don't give up your dream. You'll regret it and resent your AH. Think about it. Pray about it. Meditate on it. I believe your HP will show you a way this can be done.
Hugs
I don't think this is self-sabotage at work. It sounds like your gut or intuition are telling you something. There has to be a way that you can make this work without the participation of your AH. Don't give up your dream. You'll regret it and resent your AH. Think about it. Pray about it. Meditate on it. I believe your HP will show you a way this can be done.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
No. Don't do it. Please. Not with an active alcoholic.
An active alcoholic holding the reins of your idea while you are at your "real job", please don't. Even with a contract. Don't.
You know why alcoholics have the dream, of having their own business and being their own boss, don't you???
I've been there and done that and it all went to sh*t. He drank all day and did a cr*p job all day, leaving me to fix up the day damage he did and then do the paperwork at night because he was too drunk to do it himself and it had to be done before midnight. All this after doing a full day at work myself and caring for the kids.
He would beg me to please do the paperwork and submit it and so I would start and he would be comatose drunk. It all went to sh*t.
An active alcoholic holding the reins of your idea while you are at your "real job", please don't. Even with a contract. Don't.
You know why alcoholics have the dream, of having their own business and being their own boss, don't you???
I've been there and done that and it all went to sh*t. He drank all day and did a cr*p job all day, leaving me to fix up the day damage he did and then do the paperwork at night because he was too drunk to do it himself and it had to be done before midnight. All this after doing a full day at work myself and caring for the kids.
He would beg me to please do the paperwork and submit it and so I would start and he would be comatose drunk. It all went to sh*t.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Thanks so much, all.
Lulu39, yes you sound like the little voice in my head!
I really do have to pull this apart and see what I am able to do right now and what I might be able to do later. This business is really kind of best started in the spring/summer. I was so excited to start next month, but if I feel I can't get it together this month, I may just bide my time and pave the way for next year. Or just start really slowly and not bite off more than I can chew this year, by myself.
I do need to pull the plug on AH participation, though. It's not looking good--I don't think anything would stop him from showing up at clients with a few under his belt, or even worse, driving drunk while on business.
Lulu39, yes you sound like the little voice in my head!
I really do have to pull this apart and see what I am able to do right now and what I might be able to do later. This business is really kind of best started in the spring/summer. I was so excited to start next month, but if I feel I can't get it together this month, I may just bide my time and pave the way for next year. Or just start really slowly and not bite off more than I can chew this year, by myself.
I do need to pull the plug on AH participation, though. It's not looking good--I don't think anything would stop him from showing up at clients with a few under his belt, or even worse, driving drunk while on business.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Yes, you need to look at ALL your options. This is not an either/or situation where you either partner with him or give it up. As was mentioned above, you can learn to sell, or you can find someone to partner with who is not an alcoholic. If it was my dream, I would not trust even 1% of it to an A.
L
L
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how i ended up on this thread? not sure. but i sure am glad i did. i am wondering if you pursued your dream or not.
interesting how the A's have tremendous sales skills. mine did, too. what really hit home is there were at least two different times he "proposed" different options for us to do some partnership and/or loan type things together with his business~~i tossed them around with people to get their takes~~everyone thought YES! Def!~~ohhhhhhhhh NO and NO! thank god i did not and knowing what i know now which i did not know then clearly at all...triple quadruple thank goodness i did not.
several posts here describe exactly what would have happened...even the lack of ability to do paperwork one...exactly what he hates to do...well, who wouldn't when all they do is party, work the minimum(now i get why he really is self employed versus why he SAYS he is)then back to party again?!!
financial disaster surrounds them, doesn't it??!!
oh gosh, i am going to sit here for a min and say my thanks out loud for no matter how hard it all seems and no matter how my heart aches~~ what a gift i have been given wrapped in a strange way~~but still a wonderful gift.
interesting how the A's have tremendous sales skills. mine did, too. what really hit home is there were at least two different times he "proposed" different options for us to do some partnership and/or loan type things together with his business~~i tossed them around with people to get their takes~~everyone thought YES! Def!~~ohhhhhhhhh NO and NO! thank god i did not and knowing what i know now which i did not know then clearly at all...triple quadruple thank goodness i did not.
several posts here describe exactly what would have happened...even the lack of ability to do paperwork one...exactly what he hates to do...well, who wouldn't when all they do is party, work the minimum(now i get why he really is self employed versus why he SAYS he is)then back to party again?!!
financial disaster surrounds them, doesn't it??!!
oh gosh, i am going to sit here for a min and say my thanks out loud for no matter how hard it all seems and no matter how my heart aches~~ what a gift i have been given wrapped in a strange way~~but still a wonderful gift.
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