New with all of this :( alone
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
New with all of this :( alone
Hello. I'm on day 1 of a breakup with an alcoholic. He's divorced (due to his alcoholism) and he has two children. I've never been married nor do I have children. I'm 28 he's 36. When I first met him, I was over the moon. I had never dated an older man and he was really attentive and really doing the whole "wining and dining." It didnt take long to figure out he was a full blown alcoholic. I've never been involved with anyone with substance abuse problems and have been struggling how to deal. I had previously ended a five year long relationship and he had just gotten divorced as well. I was desperately lonely and that has been my downfall this entire time. After finding out he was an alcoholic he didn't bother hiding it anymore and would be ********* all the time, always playing the victim, being defensive, acted emotionally bankrupt which infuriated me!!! Anyway, I ended things with him. A month went by and he's begging for another chance. I gave him it. A whole beautiful month of sobriety it was awesome. Something triggered for him and started drinking yesterday. I am absolutely devastated. Help. 
I feel worthless and that I couldn't be enough for him to want to be sober. I'm terrible with being alone. I'm so incredibly lonely and disappointed.
I feel worthless and that I couldn't be enough for him to want to be sober. I'm terrible with being alone. I'm so incredibly lonely and disappointed.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear Sunshine, his drinking has nothing to do with you. None of us are "enough" for the A's in our life to stop drinking. The drug has a hold of him, and it is his one love. His #1 priority. It is easy for us to wonder if we could have done something different, if we could have been a better partner, would they have stayed sober. The short answer is...No.
We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It's a disease. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. You gave him another chance, and he has now shown you who he is. Believe him. You are 28 yrs old. Too young to commit to a life of turmoil with an A.
You did the absolute right thing, you decided to end this now. You will get through it. Read some of the sticky's at the top of this page. Consider going to an AlAnon meeting, you will meet people who have been in your shoes and have found happiness again. Keep posting, we'll help you stay strong as you move forward.
We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It's a disease. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. You gave him another chance, and he has now shown you who he is. Believe him. You are 28 yrs old. Too young to commit to a life of turmoil with an A.
You did the absolute right thing, you decided to end this now. You will get through it. Read some of the sticky's at the top of this page. Consider going to an AlAnon meeting, you will meet people who have been in your shoes and have found happiness again. Keep posting, we'll help you stay strong as you move forward.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You will get through this! Life with an A is HELL! It's discusting and it's not what I had envisioned for myself! My AH hid his alcoholism until we got married and then it was like out in the open, in your face, You married me now this is what you got. Our first 3 months of marriage... Well, I don't know how the hell I got through it and all told,we'll be married for 2 years on July 9th and the turd has only been sober for 10 months of that time!
He's great when he's sober but guess what?! He's a total douche when he's not n I have to pick up and leave when he drinks because of what he does and the simple fact that his disease has progressed. That means it gets worse whether he will admit it or not. In these last 2 years, I've watched my AH go from buzzed to black out and when I had to call the cops just 2 weeks ago, I told him, NO MORE! You either get help or I'm GONE!
I've literally watched him on his last 14 day bender chose a bottle over me. When he demanded I give him the truck keys, I handed them to him along with our marriage. It's no way to live and I think I've cried so freaking much, I'm just totally pissed at the situation now. You don't want to live like this. Grieve the loss of the man he wanted you to believe was him because as long as alcohol is involved, it's a FARCE! As I tell my AH... You BAMBOOZLED ME!
He's great when he's sober but guess what?! He's a total douche when he's not n I have to pick up and leave when he drinks because of what he does and the simple fact that his disease has progressed. That means it gets worse whether he will admit it or not. In these last 2 years, I've watched my AH go from buzzed to black out and when I had to call the cops just 2 weeks ago, I told him, NO MORE! You either get help or I'm GONE!
I've literally watched him on his last 14 day bender chose a bottle over me. When he demanded I give him the truck keys, I handed them to him along with our marriage. It's no way to live and I think I've cried so freaking much, I'm just totally pissed at the situation now. You don't want to live like this. Grieve the loss of the man he wanted you to believe was him because as long as alcohol is involved, it's a FARCE! As I tell my AH... You BAMBOOZLED ME!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
sobreity is a life long struggle and alot of addicts never get sober or stay.
this has nothing to do with you, you could be the most beautiful intelligent kind woman on the planet and it still would not make a difference.
the addict must want to quit and then must put sobreity above everything else and be dedicated to it. sadly, the truth of the matter is as i said....sometimes that never happens and the progression of the disease spirals down and being someone who is married to an alcoholic...believe me the man i love is an amazing person but he is not an able minded person when he is drunk. he is your age and so far he has received dui's, pi's, job loss, a wreck and even showing signs of liver failure. this is a terrible journey your putting yourself through and there is nothing you can do to push him to it....this is something he has to want more than the alcohol.
this has nothing to do with you, you could be the most beautiful intelligent kind woman on the planet and it still would not make a difference.
the addict must want to quit and then must put sobreity above everything else and be dedicated to it. sadly, the truth of the matter is as i said....sometimes that never happens and the progression of the disease spirals down and being someone who is married to an alcoholic...believe me the man i love is an amazing person but he is not an able minded person when he is drunk. he is your age and so far he has received dui's, pi's, job loss, a wreck and even showing signs of liver failure. this is a terrible journey your putting yourself through and there is nothing you can do to push him to it....this is something he has to want more than the alcohol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
I'm mourning the "what ifs." If he stayed sober...I'm realizing I struggle with codependency. I'm an intellectual person, but it's been so hard to make the obvious, "smart" choices. Because I'm getting older, I'm looking to settle down and start a family, so the whole situation has really just put me in a dark place. I don't have a support system, so now that I'm not with him I feel this overwhelming isolation. I'm so lonely I end up texting him. He's irrational, defensive, accusatory, same old jerk before his one month of sobriety. I begged him to stay with me at his home and he just turned his back on me and said he needed to go. I cleared out all my stuff from his house that night. Yet he trlls me that I'm the one who left him, that how coułd I so easily turn my back on us? Me??? I pleaded for him to stay and he walked away from me. Not to mention the fact that when he drinks he doesn't want to be alone and starts contacting old "friends" aka fellow alcoholic past sexual partners. I was so close to slapping the **** out of him for his selfishness but I was just weighed down by the disappointment of it all. I know how I "should" feel and what I "should" do but all I want is to go back.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
He was an alcoholic when you met him. He put on a facade to lure you in. He was never, ever this great guy he wanted you to believe he was. He got you in the Honeymoon stage of, Oh how wonderful is this and as time went on, you start to question yourself.
I've played the You're leaving me! If you don't come back this very instant, It's over! I can't believe you would ruin our marriage by walking out! How dare you! I'm the best you will ever have! I would never do this to you!!! game. It's called being drunk and incoherant and not realizing that that bottle is the reason why I left, I warned you if you bought it that I was leaving and you lied and said you didn't and you ultimately chose it over me. But an alcoholic doesn't understand that Sunshine. All they know is that their life sucks because of YOU and the things YOU DO and NOTHING because of what they do.
A wise old man once told me that it's easier to blame you than to blame myself. *points finger elsewhere*
I've played the You're leaving me! If you don't come back this very instant, It's over! I can't believe you would ruin our marriage by walking out! How dare you! I'm the best you will ever have! I would never do this to you!!! game. It's called being drunk and incoherant and not realizing that that bottle is the reason why I left, I warned you if you bought it that I was leaving and you lied and said you didn't and you ultimately chose it over me. But an alcoholic doesn't understand that Sunshine. All they know is that their life sucks because of YOU and the things YOU DO and NOTHING because of what they do.
A wise old man once told me that it's easier to blame you than to blame myself. *points finger elsewhere*
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5
I'm feeling awfully sorry for myself and I hope this stage ends soon. Why me? Why me? I know it's pointless and doesn't help, but damn it I do feel bad! Why did I ever even go out on that first date?!? ((( I keep going back and forth between disappointment and sadness and anger. Why couldn't he just be NORMAL?!?!
((( I keep going back and forth between disappointment and sadness and anger. Why couldn't he just be NORMAL?!?!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 60
You shouldn't have to plead for someone to stay. You're crying and miserable due to his alcoholism and nothing about that says healthy relationship. He's repeating the pattern he had in his failed marriage -- making people around him miserable. You're only 28 years old and fortunately for you -- not in any kind of legal relationship with this man. My first thought when I read your initial post has stuck with me after I read the subsequent posts and that is, "Run and don't look back." It's as simple as that. Don't let him suck the life out of you and don't waste any more of your precious time with him.
I noticed you say you don't have any support? No family and no friends? I can't imagine someone having zero anyone, but if it is truly the case go to counseling. Even if it isn't the case, you will more than likely benefit from it. Find out why you are so alone and why you are clinging to this man who clearly has issues and doesn't need to be in any relationship period. There's something inside of you that doesn't realize your self-worth and that's why you're not happy. If you can figure out what is causing that, you will make better choices and recognize what is healthy and not healthy in a relationship. You're romanticizing who this man is and your relationship instead of seeing him and it for what it really is and it's a toxic situation for you.
It isn't that difficult to make friends -- find some healthy outlets like some sort of class (exercise, cooking, some sort of university course), join a book club, volunteer, etc. Get busy, be around others and get him out of your head.
I hope I don't sound flippant, but sometimes when mired in the drama of an unhealthy relationship it gets difficult to see clearly and how to fix the problem. I would cut off all contact with him.
I noticed you say you don't have any support? No family and no friends? I can't imagine someone having zero anyone, but if it is truly the case go to counseling. Even if it isn't the case, you will more than likely benefit from it. Find out why you are so alone and why you are clinging to this man who clearly has issues and doesn't need to be in any relationship period. There's something inside of you that doesn't realize your self-worth and that's why you're not happy. If you can figure out what is causing that, you will make better choices and recognize what is healthy and not healthy in a relationship. You're romanticizing who this man is and your relationship instead of seeing him and it for what it really is and it's a toxic situation for you.
It isn't that difficult to make friends -- find some healthy outlets like some sort of class (exercise, cooking, some sort of university course), join a book club, volunteer, etc. Get busy, be around others and get him out of your head.
I hope I don't sound flippant, but sometimes when mired in the drama of an unhealthy relationship it gets difficult to see clearly and how to fix the problem. I would cut off all contact with him.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Sunshine - I soooo see myself in you. Do not be afraid to be alone. Being alone may be the best thing for you, as much as it hurts. If you find that you are jumping from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship, and I did it too - been married three times in 15 years and now with an alcoholic, it is high time to take a step back and work on yourself and your codependency. Only after you have done so can you find a healthy relationship.
I didn't know about codependency and I wish I had all those years ago... It would have saved me so much heartache. Learning about it now and why I allow these losers into my life has helped me immeasurably. I suggest that you read some of the information about it - go online and also do a search for it on this forum.
As for your situation, I am so sorry. A lot of us here on the forum know exactly what you are talking about, including me. It is not your fault. Al-Anon meetings can be a great place to get support and to make friends who know exactly what you are going through.
I didn't know about codependency and I wish I had all those years ago... It would have saved me so much heartache. Learning about it now and why I allow these losers into my life has helped me immeasurably. I suggest that you read some of the information about it - go online and also do a search for it on this forum.
As for your situation, I am so sorry. A lot of us here on the forum know exactly what you are talking about, including me. It is not your fault. Al-Anon meetings can be a great place to get support and to make friends who know exactly what you are going through.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I was desperately lonely and that has been my downfall this entire time
Desperation makes you settle for less then.
Desperation makes you ignore “red flags”.
Desperation causes you to make horrific choices in partners.
All to fill that empty void we feel inside ourselves. We need to learn to fill that void with our own self -esteem and respect before we can invite someone else into our lives.
Ever hear the expression – water seeks its own level. When we are at a low and our self-esteem is suffering and we don’t think highly of ourselves we are going to attract someone similar like an alcoholic or addict. He filled your void, you jumped in head first, fell hard in love with him, saw him as your everything. He was rebounding off a divorce most likely feeling low and suffering his own void then he meets you to fill it. You made him your everything filling his own void of self worth. His wife rejected him and his drinking you kind of embraced it especially taking him back for the second time.
Moving forward you can learn from this situation to never get involved so quickly with someone coming off a divorce. Don’t allow yourself to fall fast in love with anyone that you haven’t given yourself allot of time in getting to truly know who they are.
Seek some counseling to help you work on your codependence and self- esteem. Give yourself the time to get yourself in a healthy place before you invite/attract someone similar into to your life.
Turn your hurt into power, power to know better moving forward, power to never allow this to happen to you again. Power to stop thinking an alcoholic could possible ever be your everything.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi Sunshine,
Speaking from my own experience you will be able to heal much faster if you go no-contact with him. An alcoholic will manipulate and play mind games endlessly and never cut you loose. No more calls, visits, texts, on-line social groups, asking friends about him. Give yourself the gift of mental and emotional space. My husbands alcoholism descended on me like a fog. I had to go no contact (as much as I could - we had kids etc) in order to get that fog to lift and see clearly.
Post here, find an al-anon meeting, plan your days to stay busy doing things - build a plan for success. Stay busy taking care of yourself.
The book 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie is good. I recommend it.
Speaking from my own experience you will be able to heal much faster if you go no-contact with him. An alcoholic will manipulate and play mind games endlessly and never cut you loose. No more calls, visits, texts, on-line social groups, asking friends about him. Give yourself the gift of mental and emotional space. My husbands alcoholism descended on me like a fog. I had to go no contact (as much as I could - we had kids etc) in order to get that fog to lift and see clearly.
Post here, find an al-anon meeting, plan your days to stay busy doing things - build a plan for success. Stay busy taking care of yourself.
The book 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie is good. I recommend it.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
SOOO agree with Thumper! There is nothing more he can say to you that would be beneficial, he has nothing to offer you long term except more heartbreak. Going No Contact will give you quiet and peace.
You may feel alone right now, but there are PLENTY of good people in AlAnon who will support you and make your day feel a little lighter. I hope you find a meeting, you will walk into a room full of friends.
You may feel alone right now, but there are PLENTY of good people in AlAnon who will support you and make your day feel a little lighter. I hope you find a meeting, you will walk into a room full of friends.
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