Giving up too soon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Giving up too soon?
Hi all, New here and could really use some advice because I have nowhere else to turn. This will be quite long, I’m sorry.
My husband and I have been married almost 8 years. We got married very young. No children, although I want some so bad I am very happy we don’t have any at the moment.
Everything started to fall apart about 7 months ago when he had a really bad seizure from withdrawal. He was in the hospital for 8 days, 6 of those in ICU. I didn’t know that alcohol was the cause of the seizure at the time. The doctors were treating me like the bad person and kept asking me how much he drank. At that time I never saw him drink more than a couple beers a night. I couldn’t understand how could he withdrawal on that? I thought they had to be wrong.
We left the hospital and he was acting fine but a few days after he tells me that he has been drinking every day at work for the past month. I didn’t know what to say. He told me like it was nothing. He said the weekend the had the seizure he had tried to stop. He wanted to tell me because he didn’t want to hide it and he felt like it was the first step. I was happy he told me but I was in shock. The past month he hadn’t acted drunk when he came home, how could I have missed this?
A few weeks went by and it was hard because friends and family just thought it was a strange virus that caused the seizure. I didn’t correct them, but I felt like I was covering for him. He was trying not to drink but I could tell he really wanted to. A few more weeks went by and he went back to having beers (in front of me at least). Then we are at a friends house and he ends up having another seizure, less severe than the first so I took him home. At this point I know he’s lying and drinking way more than he is telling me. After this one he got a little more serious about it but I think only because I had a mini breakdown over the whole thing.
He stayed sober for a few weeks after this but then it got really bad. He started to come home drunk, straight from work . So drunk I don’t know how he drove home. At this point I left for a few days. I came back and we were trying to work things out.
Then I get a call at work from his boss. Turns out there are cops at their work and he got a DUI. To make a long story short, he got fired (of course) from that job. I thought that would be the “rock bottom” for him. But he was in denial about the whole thing. He even wanted to go to work the next day and I had to convince him he didn’t have a job anymore.
Everything was really looking up(considering)the 2-3 weeks after his DUI, he was sober (I can really tell now, what a great ability to have ha) and really opening up to me. He got a new job which we were both so thankful for. But then he started to act like it wasn’t a big deal anymore and started drinking again. He also had 2 more seizures during one of his “withdrawal weekends”. He was ordered to go AA meetings but he just makes fun of them and thinks they are boring.
All of this has lead up to this last week and the worst its ever been. He started to come home drunk again and a few nights ago he didn’t come home until midnight. Yesterday I went outside and his car was here but I couldn’t find him. I found him in the backyard passed out and the side of his car was badly scraped.
That night I wrote him a letter saying that I wasn't going to stay around and watch him kill himself or someone else. That I wanted him to go to rehab or I wanted a divorce.
The next day he messaged me saying it was a bad morning for him and that he was very sorry but didn't say anything about the letter. That night he came home drunk again.
I really can’t take this anymore. When I ask him if he cares about what this is doing to him or us he shakes his head no. I’m tired of fighting for him when he doesn't want to fight for himself. I know he loves me but I don’t know if I love him anymore. What I love I can’t find anymore even when he is sober. He acts like everything is normal when he is sober and won’t talk to me.
If I leave him I feel like everyone will be shocked and I will be the bad guy because no one apart from my parents know how he is.
Am I giving up too soon?
My husband and I have been married almost 8 years. We got married very young. No children, although I want some so bad I am very happy we don’t have any at the moment.
Everything started to fall apart about 7 months ago when he had a really bad seizure from withdrawal. He was in the hospital for 8 days, 6 of those in ICU. I didn’t know that alcohol was the cause of the seizure at the time. The doctors were treating me like the bad person and kept asking me how much he drank. At that time I never saw him drink more than a couple beers a night. I couldn’t understand how could he withdrawal on that? I thought they had to be wrong.
We left the hospital and he was acting fine but a few days after he tells me that he has been drinking every day at work for the past month. I didn’t know what to say. He told me like it was nothing. He said the weekend the had the seizure he had tried to stop. He wanted to tell me because he didn’t want to hide it and he felt like it was the first step. I was happy he told me but I was in shock. The past month he hadn’t acted drunk when he came home, how could I have missed this?
A few weeks went by and it was hard because friends and family just thought it was a strange virus that caused the seizure. I didn’t correct them, but I felt like I was covering for him. He was trying not to drink but I could tell he really wanted to. A few more weeks went by and he went back to having beers (in front of me at least). Then we are at a friends house and he ends up having another seizure, less severe than the first so I took him home. At this point I know he’s lying and drinking way more than he is telling me. After this one he got a little more serious about it but I think only because I had a mini breakdown over the whole thing.
He stayed sober for a few weeks after this but then it got really bad. He started to come home drunk, straight from work . So drunk I don’t know how he drove home. At this point I left for a few days. I came back and we were trying to work things out.
Then I get a call at work from his boss. Turns out there are cops at their work and he got a DUI. To make a long story short, he got fired (of course) from that job. I thought that would be the “rock bottom” for him. But he was in denial about the whole thing. He even wanted to go to work the next day and I had to convince him he didn’t have a job anymore.
Everything was really looking up(considering)the 2-3 weeks after his DUI, he was sober (I can really tell now, what a great ability to have ha) and really opening up to me. He got a new job which we were both so thankful for. But then he started to act like it wasn’t a big deal anymore and started drinking again. He also had 2 more seizures during one of his “withdrawal weekends”. He was ordered to go AA meetings but he just makes fun of them and thinks they are boring.
All of this has lead up to this last week and the worst its ever been. He started to come home drunk again and a few nights ago he didn’t come home until midnight. Yesterday I went outside and his car was here but I couldn’t find him. I found him in the backyard passed out and the side of his car was badly scraped.
That night I wrote him a letter saying that I wasn't going to stay around and watch him kill himself or someone else. That I wanted him to go to rehab or I wanted a divorce.
The next day he messaged me saying it was a bad morning for him and that he was very sorry but didn't say anything about the letter. That night he came home drunk again.
I really can’t take this anymore. When I ask him if he cares about what this is doing to him or us he shakes his head no. I’m tired of fighting for him when he doesn't want to fight for himself. I know he loves me but I don’t know if I love him anymore. What I love I can’t find anymore even when he is sober. He acts like everything is normal when he is sober and won’t talk to me.
If I leave him I feel like everyone will be shocked and I will be the bad guy because no one apart from my parents know how he is.
Am I giving up too soon?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
No. You are not giving up too soon.
He has given up. If he is going to drink himself into the hospital again, let him.
He isn't going to stop until he either has to, is in jail, or is dead.
I know that sounds harsh, but the only life you can save is your own.
I'd rather have everyone think I am an ass rather than watch one of my loved ones drink themselves into oblivion.
He has given up. If he is going to drink himself into the hospital again, let him.
He isn't going to stop until he either has to, is in jail, or is dead.
I know that sounds harsh, but the only life you can save is your own.
I'd rather have everyone think I am an ass rather than watch one of my loved ones drink themselves into oblivion.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
alcoholism is a downward spiral. they either hit a bottom or they dont and you get drug for a ride. i cant say what you should do.....as thats an individual decision but there is a strong possibility that this disease kills him. theres a strong possibility that he never gets nor remains sober either.
the possibilities are endless but you should make sure that YOU are taken care of. whatever you need to do to be , stay healthy and to make arrangements for when you are ready to leave....thats the best thing YOU can do.
I am sorry that this is happening to you...sometimes health, jail, relationships, job etc are not a reason for the alcoholic to get sober. sometimes they just dont.
its not your fault and by standing up for yourself and giving yourself joy ....you are not giving up on him, you are just not giving up on yourself....your caring about yourself enough to give yourself something a little more. peace and happiness.
the possibilities are endless but you should make sure that YOU are taken care of. whatever you need to do to be , stay healthy and to make arrangements for when you are ready to leave....thats the best thing YOU can do.
I am sorry that this is happening to you...sometimes health, jail, relationships, job etc are not a reason for the alcoholic to get sober. sometimes they just dont.
its not your fault and by standing up for yourself and giving yourself joy ....you are not giving up on him, you are just not giving up on yourself....your caring about yourself enough to give yourself something a little more. peace and happiness.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
No, you are definitely not giving up too soon. You deserve so much more than this! I would be absolutely beside myself if my ABF started drinking at work or driving drunk... or having seizures. (It may be in the mail though, since alcoholism is a progressive disease...)
I am so sorry for what you have been through. It sounds like you are doing the right thing.
If he does not like AA, there are plenty of other options. Private counseling, SMART recovery, AVRT, etc. AA did not work for me, but AVRT did. Just a thought. He may want to look into it.
I am so sorry for what you have been through. It sounds like you are doing the right thing.
If he does not like AA, there are plenty of other options. Private counseling, SMART recovery, AVRT, etc. AA did not work for me, but AVRT did. Just a thought. He may want to look into it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear Pemberley, I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is a progressive disease, so it will only continue to deteriorate if he does not seek recovery. It sounds like your AH is in serious shape, and is at risk for harming someone else if he's driving drunk. That does not mean you have to go down the drain with him. Many people who are actively drinking don't like AA, they're not ready to be accountable.
No one can tell you for sure what the right decision is for you. And you have to realize if you leave, there are those who may even blame you. So what, you can't listen to that stuff. No one who isn't living in your house can truly understand what you are going through. A's are often great manipulators, they can be everyone els'e best friend. I learned a long time ago....Your opinion of me is not my business. So do what is best for YOU.
Learn the 3 C's: We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. There is nothing you can do about his choices, but you do have control over your own choices. I would highly suggest you find an AlAnon group near you, go to at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's right for you or not. You will find huge support in those meetings. It will help you find the strength to do what you need to do.
(((HUGS)))
No one can tell you for sure what the right decision is for you. And you have to realize if you leave, there are those who may even blame you. So what, you can't listen to that stuff. No one who isn't living in your house can truly understand what you are going through. A's are often great manipulators, they can be everyone els'e best friend. I learned a long time ago....Your opinion of me is not my business. So do what is best for YOU.
Learn the 3 C's: We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. There is nothing you can do about his choices, but you do have control over your own choices. I would highly suggest you find an AlAnon group near you, go to at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's right for you or not. You will find huge support in those meetings. It will help you find the strength to do what you need to do.
(((HUGS)))
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Recovering2 
Dear Pemberley, I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is a progressive disease, so it will only continue to deteriorate if he does not seek recovery. It sounds like your AH is in serious shape, and is at risk for harming someone else if he's driving drunk. That does not mean you have to go down the drain with him. Many people who are actively drinking don't like AA, they're not ready to be accountable.
No one can tell you for sure what the right decision is for you. And you have to realize if you leave, there are those who may even blame you. So what, you can't listen to that stuff. No one who isn't living in your house can truly understand what you are going through. A's are often great manipulators, they can be everyone els'e best friend. I learned a long time ago....Your opinion of me is not my business. So do what is best for YOU.
Learn the 3 C's: We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. There is nothing you can do about his choices, but you do have control over your own choices. I would highly suggest you find an AlAnon group near you, go to at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's right for you or not. You will find huge support in those meetings. It will help you find the strength to do what you need to do.
(((HUGS)))
No one can tell you for sure what the right decision is for you. And you have to realize if you leave, there are those who may even blame you. So what, you can't listen to that stuff. No one who isn't living in your house can truly understand what you are going through. A's are often great manipulators, they can be everyone els'e best friend. I learned a long time ago....Your opinion of me is not my business. So do what is best for YOU.
Learn the 3 C's: We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it. There is nothing you can do about his choices, but you do have control over your own choices. I would highly suggest you find an AlAnon group near you, go to at least 6 meetings before deciding if it's right for you or not. You will find huge support in those meetings. It will help you find the strength to do what you need to do.
(((HUGS)))
because normies (ie everyone else) do not know what its like and yes, alcoholics are TALENTED manipulators. they know what to say and how to say it to get what they want or play the victim. you dont have to be....and as long as you listen to what everyone else says...your allowing that to happen. this is your life....they dont know what you live through and thats their problem
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You should definately start taking care of YOU! He is not capable of caring for himself, let alone you as his wife. There comes a time where we put our foot down, in any situation, and say... enough is enough and I've had enough. Only you can say MERCY and call it quits.
Have you had enough? If so, it's time. If you can sustain the house, show him where the door is. If you can't and don't want it because of bad memories, then go ahead and walk. I wouldn't think horribly of you if you walk away from his BS. I know what you're going through.
(((HUGS))) and welcome. The Normies thread is eye opening along with the Quacking thread.
Have you had enough? If so, it's time. If you can sustain the house, show him where the door is. If you can't and don't want it because of bad memories, then go ahead and walk. I wouldn't think horribly of you if you walk away from his BS. I know what you're going through.
(((HUGS))) and welcome. The Normies thread is eye opening along with the Quacking thread.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Sorry you are here. Just out of curiosity, if he recently got a DUI, how is he still driving?
I know this would not have make a difference, and shows my codependent nature, but one thing I wish I did was research the laws in my state regarding additional DUIs. I believe my EX alcoholic girlfriend was completely oblivious to the laws for additional DUIs. While she probably understood it was illegal and bad, I am sure that she did not know that getting another (4th) DUI would be a felony and she would lose her license FOR LIFE. I would assume living as an adult with no license as a convicted felon (limited job opportunities) would not be pleasant.
Again, I don't think it would have made a difference, but I feel that if I made her aware of the tangible legal consequences at least she couldn't claim she didn't know.
But with active alcoholism, drinking trumps everything else (family, friends, employment, personal health, legal consequences, etc)
I know this would not have make a difference, and shows my codependent nature, but one thing I wish I did was research the laws in my state regarding additional DUIs. I believe my EX alcoholic girlfriend was completely oblivious to the laws for additional DUIs. While she probably understood it was illegal and bad, I am sure that she did not know that getting another (4th) DUI would be a felony and she would lose her license FOR LIFE. I would assume living as an adult with no license as a convicted felon (limited job opportunities) would not be pleasant.
Again, I don't think it would have made a difference, but I feel that if I made her aware of the tangible legal consequences at least she couldn't claim she didn't know.
But with active alcoholism, drinking trumps everything else (family, friends, employment, personal health, legal consequences, etc)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Not much to add to the good responses and suggestions here. No, you are NOT giving up too soon. This is a train wreck waiting to happen, and if you don't want to be there when it happens, I would suggest getting all the support you can right now.
This is YOUR life, and nobody has the right to tell you what you must endure. My second husband went back to drinking after almost dying during a withdrawal (hallucinations, coma, liver and kidneys shut down). I decided one deathbed vigil was enough for me.
And I know Crazed would like to think that educating his alcoholic might have made a difference, but the best education will come from other sober alcoholics. Until he is ready to listen, all the education in the world won't help him.
This is YOUR life, and nobody has the right to tell you what you must endure. My second husband went back to drinking after almost dying during a withdrawal (hallucinations, coma, liver and kidneys shut down). I decided one deathbed vigil was enough for me.
And I know Crazed would like to think that educating his alcoholic might have made a difference, but the best education will come from other sober alcoholics. Until he is ready to listen, all the education in the world won't help him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 102
So sorry Pemberley. It is not too soon. I tortured myself for years giving my AW chance after chance, and the longer one continues to do that, the longer one enables the continuing spiral. His situation sounds very bad, please do not be surprised if he hardly notices it if you get out. The best one can do is know that this is NOT about you, things you did or didn't do, or whether or not he loves you. Please stop worrying about what people will think if you leave him to his addiction, that is nothing compared to this insanity, and in time, anyone who matters will see the truth. Please be sure to take care of yourself, this is not your burden to carry.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Crazed
Sorry you are here. Just out of curiosity, if he recently got a DUI, how is he still driving?
I know this would not have make a difference, and shows my codependent nature, but one thing I wish I did was research the laws in my state regarding additional DUIs. I believe my EX alcoholic girlfriend was completely oblivious to the laws for additional DUIs. While she probably understood it was illegal and bad, I am sure that she did not know that getting another (4th) DUI would be a felony and she would lose her license FOR LIFE. I would assume living as an adult with no license as a convicted felon (limited job opportunities) would not be pleasant.
Again, I don't think it would have made a difference, but I feel that if I made her aware of the tangible legal consequences at least she couldn't claim she didn't know.
But with active alcoholism, drinking trumps everything else (family, friends, employment, personal health, legal consequences, etc)
I know this would not have make a difference, and shows my codependent nature, but one thing I wish I did was research the laws in my state regarding additional DUIs. I believe my EX alcoholic girlfriend was completely oblivious to the laws for additional DUIs. While she probably understood it was illegal and bad, I am sure that she did not know that getting another (4th) DUI would be a felony and she would lose her license FOR LIFE. I would assume living as an adult with no license as a convicted felon (limited job opportunities) would not be pleasant.
Again, I don't think it would have made a difference, but I feel that if I made her aware of the tangible legal consequences at least she couldn't claim she didn't know.
But with active alcoholism, drinking trumps everything else (family, friends, employment, personal health, legal consequences, etc)
As for your ex, do you really think she wasn't told? I sat in the courthouse and heard the judge tell my AH what the consequences would be if it were to happen again. I doubt he heard her, but I know he was told. She may have been warned by her lawyer or a judge, it would not have been your responsibility to tell her what her legal consequences should be. If it's wrong, it's wrong no matter the fallout or legal repercussions.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Alcoholism is an elevator that goes down to hell. You decide what floor you want to get off.
I got off way too late, after my AXH threatened to kill the entire family. I have then gotten to watch from a distance (children together meant I couldn't completely cut him out of my life) how his life has spiraled downward from celebrated and respected member of the community to unemployed drunk who is constantly in trouble with the law.
It doesn't get better unless he gets help.
And the first thing that needs to happen for that to happen is that he admits he has a problem and he seeks help.
He. Not you, for him.
Someone gave me this image: a chicken has to pick its way out of its egg from the inside when it's ready. It can't be told from the outside.
I got off way too late, after my AXH threatened to kill the entire family. I have then gotten to watch from a distance (children together meant I couldn't completely cut him out of my life) how his life has spiraled downward from celebrated and respected member of the community to unemployed drunk who is constantly in trouble with the law.
It doesn't get better unless he gets help.
And the first thing that needs to happen for that to happen is that he admits he has a problem and he seeks help.
He. Not you, for him.
Someone gave me this image: a chicken has to pick its way out of its egg from the inside when it's ready. It can't be told from the outside.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Thanks for all the replies everyone. It really means a lot.
He is going through another withdrawal this weekend. I have been ignoring him since he came come on Friday night like he did. I'm normally his nurse through these things. He finally yelled for me at 1 in the morning because he was scared he was going to have another seizure. I told him I've just been his nurse for these 7 months. He couldn't believe that it had been going on for that long.
About the DUI - lizatola is right, thank you for explaining it. It's a little confusing. It took 2 months to get to court so he's had a temporary license. Friday was the last day of that. Starting Monday he has to take public transportation for 30 days. I wish it would have started sooner. Then after that he'll only be able to drive to work & court ordered things for next 3 months.
He is going through another withdrawal this weekend. I have been ignoring him since he came come on Friday night like he did. I'm normally his nurse through these things. He finally yelled for me at 1 in the morning because he was scared he was going to have another seizure. I told him I've just been his nurse for these 7 months. He couldn't believe that it had been going on for that long.
About the DUI - lizatola is right, thank you for explaining it. It's a little confusing. It took 2 months to get to court so he's had a temporary license. Friday was the last day of that. Starting Monday he has to take public transportation for 30 days. I wish it would have started sooner. Then after that he'll only be able to drive to work & court ordered things for next 3 months.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
A marriage takes 2 participants, if one of those participants chooses NOT to participate anymore how can you consider that YOU giving up?
Try not to get all caught up in WHAT OTHERS may or may not say about YOUR life.
There is no confusion with the TRUTH and if those people close to you don’t understand it then that’s on them NOT YOU.
Try not to get all caught up in WHAT OTHERS may or may not say about YOUR life.
There is no confusion with the TRUTH and if those people close to you don’t understand it then that’s on them NOT YOU.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear pemberley, I am not trying to alarm you, but feel the need to say to you that withdrawl can be a dangerous situation. If he has had previous withdrawl seizures--he is more likely to have another, than not. Can you go to a medical facility so he can have medical supervision during this? Does he have any medications for this purpose? Can you call emergency services if you need to?
I am saying this so that you can plan for a worse-case-senario--in case it occurs.
sincerely, dandylion
I am saying this so that you can plan for a worse-case-senario--in case it occurs.
sincerely, dandylion
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