I'm sober, he's not.
New to Sobriety
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 10
I'm sober, he's not.
Hello,
I am having a bit of anxiety. Have you seen Smashed? It's pretty much my story. We met, fell in love, and partying was what we did together. My black outs were getting more frequent and after a couple of horrible nights and the fear of losing everything we had, I got sober. He didn't. He left me shortly after. He's since came back, 4 months later, telling me that an hour doesn't go by that he doesn't think about me and how much I mean to him. He told me one of the reasons he left was because he had been lying to me, was on self destruct, due to a cocaine habit he had been concealing. He has gotten clean now. Not with help from a program. He has said cocaine was what made him drink so much, but that alcohol its self is not a problem. Deep down, I don't believe that. I suspect he doesn't either? He is not a binge drinker to the extreme I was, (though he can be), he drinks often, a couple of beers, every night. One thing I can say, is that since I've been sober, he's never drank around me. I am 9 months sober today (Praise God!), but I feel like my heart is ripping apart. I love him and want to try to work things out, but I believe if my old drinking partner kept drinking and I was on the sidelines, this would only cause me resentments, which would lead to me relapsing. I can't have that. I want to tell him I will only date sober people, or maybe a normie, someone that drinks a couple of times a year. I see this as setting up boundaries of what I want in order to date me, instead of getting back together and saying, "now I want you to quit." I feel this is the right thing to do. I know he's not going to get sober right now. He hasn't had enough "yets" yet. I'm just so scared. I'm not sure how to tell him and don't want to watch all my hopes for the two of us, go down the tubes, once again.
I am having a bit of anxiety. Have you seen Smashed? It's pretty much my story. We met, fell in love, and partying was what we did together. My black outs were getting more frequent and after a couple of horrible nights and the fear of losing everything we had, I got sober. He didn't. He left me shortly after. He's since came back, 4 months later, telling me that an hour doesn't go by that he doesn't think about me and how much I mean to him. He told me one of the reasons he left was because he had been lying to me, was on self destruct, due to a cocaine habit he had been concealing. He has gotten clean now. Not with help from a program. He has said cocaine was what made him drink so much, but that alcohol its self is not a problem. Deep down, I don't believe that. I suspect he doesn't either? He is not a binge drinker to the extreme I was, (though he can be), he drinks often, a couple of beers, every night. One thing I can say, is that since I've been sober, he's never drank around me. I am 9 months sober today (Praise God!), but I feel like my heart is ripping apart. I love him and want to try to work things out, but I believe if my old drinking partner kept drinking and I was on the sidelines, this would only cause me resentments, which would lead to me relapsing. I can't have that. I want to tell him I will only date sober people, or maybe a normie, someone that drinks a couple of times a year. I see this as setting up boundaries of what I want in order to date me, instead of getting back together and saying, "now I want you to quit." I feel this is the right thing to do. I know he's not going to get sober right now. He hasn't had enough "yets" yet. I'm just so scared. I'm not sure how to tell him and don't want to watch all my hopes for the two of us, go down the tubes, once again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Sounds like it's in the tubes alredy.
And you know what? Your sobriety is worth so much more thn he can give you! You've been down the road he is hauling right this very moment and YOU know it will bring you no good! Two people in a relationship has got to be HELL on WHEELS! One person... it's just as bad and I think you know this.
You sound like you have your head on right and you know wht is good for you. I would tell him you need to be around clean and sober people and guess what? If he can't handle that, it's not your problem!
Kudos to you for straightening up your side of the street! As you know, you can only take care of you and you should continue to do that!
Welcome to SR!
And you know what? Your sobriety is worth so much more thn he can give you! You've been down the road he is hauling right this very moment and YOU know it will bring you no good! Two people in a relationship has got to be HELL on WHEELS! One person... it's just as bad and I think you know this.
You sound like you have your head on right and you know wht is good for you. I would tell him you need to be around clean and sober people and guess what? If he can't handle that, it's not your problem!
Kudos to you for straightening up your side of the street! As you know, you can only take care of you and you should continue to do that!
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I admire you so much for this. My story is similar to yours - I was a bad binger and quit, ABF still binges and did not. Like your BF, he quit coke and a few other hard drugs and uses alcohol as a substitute.
Like you... my situation stinks. I love him and want everything to work out, but I am not holding my breath.
And that is why I admire your strength. Good for you! If my ABF does not get sober, I want a normie or a sober man as well.
Like you... my situation stinks. I love him and want everything to work out, but I am not holding my breath.
And that is why I admire your strength. Good for you! If my ABF does not get sober, I want a normie or a sober man as well.
New to Sobriety
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 10
Thank you for your replies. I'm needing strength right now and wanted to check my thoughts. I'm suppose to see him next weekend. This is when I will tell him. In the mean time, I hope my anxiety levels and fear do not consume too much of my time and mind! SolTraveler, I can so relate. I am also a little relieved that he had left me four months ago, though it was one of the most painful things I have been through. It's made today's decision easier and put me more in a place of power. You don't have me and if you want me, this is what I will accept..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
First of all, congratulations on your sobriety. You deserve huge credit for taking care of you.
Why do you need to get back in this relationship now? He tells you he wants you back, but he is still drinking. Quack. The fact that this is now causing you some angst should be a red flag for you. You're not ready. That's fine. You need to protect your sobriety at all costs. If you have concerns about him, then those are valid and you need to heed them. I don't see why you need to set boundaries, you know he's drinking. He's not in your life right now, that's the best boundary of all for the immediate future.
Take care of YOU. You're doing GREAT.
Why do you need to get back in this relationship now? He tells you he wants you back, but he is still drinking. Quack. The fact that this is now causing you some angst should be a red flag for you. You're not ready. That's fine. You need to protect your sobriety at all costs. If you have concerns about him, then those are valid and you need to heed them. I don't see why you need to set boundaries, you know he's drinking. He's not in your life right now, that's the best boundary of all for the immediate future.
Take care of YOU. You're doing GREAT.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: A place of special Dreams....
Posts: 4,018
Congrats for stepping up to the plate and taking care of yourself.... this is your life and you need to make the changes to keep moving forward for yourself and no one else......
Don't let this guy hang all over you or come over for that matter....
You need a new life and so far you have done a wonderful job.... Wow...
Keep up with the program.... and making the most of each day for YOU...
Recovery is important and trying to let go of those that just won't join your life that way are not worth keeping in your life......... Maybe some day this guy will see that you have it better than him... Maybe it will sink deep within him... and maybe not...
Make the most of Today.... just for you.... keep your mind focused on your work in recovery for YOU.....
if you have to change you number.... to get rid of this guy ... it might work to give you the Peace Of Mind you need each day....
my other thought was ... move to another area unless you already OWN your home.....
Don't meet with this guy anymore.... he only makes your life miserable ...He is no good and really won't make the changes you need for a Clean Recovery...
Have a good one and know that you are in the right place for today.....
Keep coming back to SR.....
Don't let this guy hang all over you or come over for that matter....
You need a new life and so far you have done a wonderful job.... Wow...
Keep up with the program.... and making the most of each day for YOU...
Recovery is important and trying to let go of those that just won't join your life that way are not worth keeping in your life......... Maybe some day this guy will see that you have it better than him... Maybe it will sink deep within him... and maybe not...
Make the most of Today.... just for you.... keep your mind focused on your work in recovery for YOU.....
if you have to change you number.... to get rid of this guy ... it might work to give you the Peace Of Mind you need each day....
my other thought was ... move to another area unless you already OWN your home.....
Don't meet with this guy anymore.... he only makes your life miserable ...He is no good and really won't make the changes you need for a Clean Recovery...
Have a good one and know that you are in the right place for today.....
Keep coming back to SR.....
New to Sobriety
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 10
Thank you Recovering2 and expenguin. I let him know my conditions and asked for distance. It went very well. Much better then I expected. I feel so empowered right now in my life. I know what I want and the future is wide open for that to happen.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,164
Desi, congratulations on your sobriety. If your bf loves you so much, and an hour doesn't go by without him thinking of you, and if drinking is no big deal to him, then it should be a no brainier to him to have enough consideration to quit drinking to get you back in his life.
I took the scary step of telling my husband that I was an alcoholic, not knowing what it would do to the marriage. He is a casual drinker. He refused point blank to drink around me, not wanting to make things harder on me than already was. That is love.
I wish you well Desi, but put yourself and your sobriety first.
I took the scary step of telling my husband that I was an alcoholic, not knowing what it would do to the marriage. He is a casual drinker. He refused point blank to drink around me, not wanting to make things harder on me than already was. That is love.
I wish you well Desi, but put yourself and your sobriety first.
New to Sobriety
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 10
I'm sober, he's not.
Wow, I'm finally revisiting this post. I wanted to update it, because well things have changed, but they haven't. Not sure if I can edit and add to my original post?
I ended up deciding that as long as he didn't drink around me or drank and then was around me that that would be enough and that hasn't/hadn't changed.
During this time period of us deciding if we were going to try again after the four month break, we got pregnant. This was unplanned.
Today I'm 14 1/2 weeks pregnant, I now have a year sober (as of July 28th) and we're in couples counseling. Yesterday in counseling I once again reiterated how important it is to me to not be around alcohol. Well, he stayed quiet the whole time, told me after how he rejected a beer the day before, when we were at his brother's, because "he had to," and he completely withdrew emotionally from me. He said he feels he has no choice to drink and I told him he can drink, but if he is or does, I'll probably get in my car and leave. It's funny at the beginning of the counseling he insisted not drinking around me wasn't an issue and now I guess the truth is showing? Better now then later? And since yesterday, he's definitely processing and deciding how important drinking and his single life is to him. Which is good, but my heart is breaking. What a hard year it has been. And now all these hormones and my fear of being alone as a mommy again. At least I'm sober for this tiny miracle that's growing in my womb right now. And this is time for me to really practice having faith in my HP, God. Though I'm not feeling much hope at all.
I ended up deciding that as long as he didn't drink around me or drank and then was around me that that would be enough and that hasn't/hadn't changed.
During this time period of us deciding if we were going to try again after the four month break, we got pregnant. This was unplanned.Today I'm 14 1/2 weeks pregnant, I now have a year sober (as of July 28th) and we're in couples counseling. Yesterday in counseling I once again reiterated how important it is to me to not be around alcohol. Well, he stayed quiet the whole time, told me after how he rejected a beer the day before, when we were at his brother's, because "he had to," and he completely withdrew emotionally from me. He said he feels he has no choice to drink and I told him he can drink, but if he is or does, I'll probably get in my car and leave. It's funny at the beginning of the counseling he insisted not drinking around me wasn't an issue and now I guess the truth is showing? Better now then later? And since yesterday, he's definitely processing and deciding how important drinking and his single life is to him. Which is good, but my heart is breaking. What a hard year it has been. And now all these hormones and my fear of being alone as a mommy again. At least I'm sober for this tiny miracle that's growing in my womb right now. And this is time for me to really practice having faith in my HP, God. Though I'm not feeling much hope at all.
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