helltoraise

My alcoholic boyfriend who also is being treated for bipolar broke up with me 5 months ago. We had been together for 3 years and talking about a future. The break up was out of the blue and at first I was concerned he was manic. Well, the last five months have been on and off again and ended again this last Monday. I am trying NC, but it is hard. He says very confusing things like how I am his bf, he is very attracted to me, he will always love me, he wants me in his life, and he feels emotionally connected to me. He wants a bigger life and to move away and says he wants to date around. It is hard to hear and I can't help but feel very rejected. I feel like my best was not good enough.

I can't move with him because I have shared custody of my two children. We live in a small city in the Midwest. My ex feels he should live somewhere more exciting like Portland. He also says he hopes to fall in love again. He suppose to move back to his hometown to live with his parents and save $$ for his move, but instead is moving closer to me for the next 6 months. He texted me asking if I was happy he was closer. I said why does it matter if we are not together. He seems to think we are going to be the best of friends. I feel if he doesn't value me enough to commit then he isn't much of a friend.

Another side note I recently learned he dabbled in coke and oxycontin last weekend. He used to do those things, but quit. He also smokes pot.


Despite this I can't help feeling like a loser. Like my life is small and unassuming compared to the excitement he wants to chase. Out there some woman (or women) will hold his interest and make him want to do the work for her. She will have the freedom to keep up with him.

I also feel angry because he knew my situation from the get go. I feel like he set me up for heartbreak. Here I value him and our relationship to fight for us and he doesn't value me enough to stick it out. It also hurts because it's like getting rid of me is the one good choice he sees himself making in the midst of all these other bad choices that he fails to recognize. I suck that much is how it feels. He rather drink alone than be with me. He'd rather chat online than be with me his supposed bf. Ugh I feel I will never get over this and feel good about myself again. Please help. P.S. Yes I am in therapy and a support group for bipolar.

MTSlideAddict

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

It sounds to me that his thoughts are so erratic that he doesn’t see a clear path for his future. With these chaotic thoughts swirling around he for sure cannot be a stable partner in a relationship.

I believe perusing in a relationship where neither partner has a strong foundation of oneself is a perfect recipe for a toxic relationship. My suggestion is to place more emphasis on yourself. Why has your self worth suffered so? His future or lack of insight on one should not determine what YOU want for yours and how you uphold your self worth. Perhaps in your next therapy session approach upon the subject regarding your self worth. You are worth much more than what anyone can determine for you. You are a wonderful person worth love and happiness despite whether or not your life styles mesh with this particular man. From there you can build upon what YOU want for your future rather than wanting to hang on with someone chasing chaotically after their own.

AnvilheadII

your priority from the outset has been your children...that's a commitment YOU made and that you continue to uphold. as you say, he knew that going in...now he's all this big talk about going out west and livin' large, blah blah blah. AND he's been using. well good for him, go try that geographic - he'll find out eventually that the one thing he can't escape is himself.

you are not a loser. whatever his thing is, it's not your fault and was never your responsibility. he does not determine your value.....YOU DO.

CeciliaV

Hi helltoraise, so sorry to hear what you're going through. I have to echo MTS on placing an emphasis on yourself. We can't control and sometimes can't even understand the decisions and actions of others, but we do have control over our own lives. I'm on the journey to find myself, my voice, my passion, and my happiness, independent of my AH and regardless of whether he sticks with sobriety. I want to be a whole person and not the fragmented being that I have been for so long. It's a long, hard road, but I am looking forward to the journey and to finding myself again.

Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.

SolTraveler

I understand where you are coming from. My ABF is one of those who likes to "party" and have a lot of friends. Before we got back together (we had a split that lasted 17 years - were together previously until we were 18) he slept around a lot, lived the party boy lifestyle, had lots of beautiful, young girlfriends. I had done none of the partying because I went to college, got married, had kids right away.

When we first got back together, I felt like I couldn't compete. I tried going out drinking with him and it was just... boring. Those people are not anyone's friends, and they were not worth my time or the time it took away from my kids. I ended up seeing myself going down the tubes and got sober.

Now, I see that MY life is the better one. I think he sees it too, which is why he is starting to plan getting sober. (Not as good as actually doing it.... I know that it may never happen and so the future is up in the air in that regard.) I have three great kids. I have a great job. I own a house. I have a family who loves me. He has.... friends who hang out when he buys them drinks.

My life may not be exciting, but it is fulfilling - and it sounds like yours is as well now that he isn't in it. And as others have said, kids always come first. That is just how it is, and anyone who expects you to leave kids that you have partial custody of is not worth your time, IMO.

It is normal to miss someone you loved so much and still have feelings for. It is normal to have twinges of regret and wonder what might have been. Don't beat yourself up for that. But your reality is here and now, and if you ask me, yours is the better life. Someday, he will realize that. And if he doesn't..... then someday you will meet some man who has the same goals as you do and who will appreciate everything you have to offer.

helltoraise

Thank you to all who responded. It helps a lot. It makes me cringe to think of our relationship as toxic because I always encourage health for both of us. He would tell me how much he appreciated this about me. His parents told me that it had been awhile since they had seen him as happy and healthy as he was with me. It obviously didn't last as he eventually started lying to me and as of recent added coke and Oxycotine back to the mix.(he says it will be an every now and then) I know I can't save or fix him, but it is hard not to care. As far as my self worth. It is at an all time low. I was not like this in the beginning, or even the middle of our relationship. I feel thrown away and like he isn't bothered by it. His life just changed direction as he says. He acts like I am easy to replace on one hand, but then he will say no woman compares to me. I know his bp also plays a part in it. Right now I can only see myself through his eyes. Not worth committing to for life. Great , but not great enough. I feel bad for my kids too. They liked him. I have been through break ups before even a divorce. I know about disappointment and carrying on anyway, but this has left me feeling so powerless that at least right now I see no future for myself. No love. Nothing. That's not like me. It's not like me to find some hope for myself. All I see is him and his rejection. And nothing I do today or in the future will ever make my friend value me again like he once did.