Vent - The Alcoholic's Self Pity
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Vent - The Alcoholic's Self Pity
ARGH! Just... ARGH!!
So last night my ABF comes home from one of his two nights at the bar - seems pretty sober. Cracks open another beer. And...
Proceeds to go on an hour long tirade about how angry he is that his father will not give him his inheritance from his grandparents. Apparently, he is an independently wealthy person now, but only if his dad signs over control of the money. Which he will not.
And seriously, can you blame him??? If I were his dad I would hold onto it too. My ABF has been clean from all drugs except pot for seven years but he still drinks and smokes pot. He seems to think though that because (so far) he is a functional alcoholic and he only binges 2 times a week that that is "good enough" and his dad should trust him.
I told him that when someone wrecks trust as totally and completely as he has, he shouldn't expect anyone to snap to it and just trust because THEY feel they have turned a new leaf. I mean, for the love of God, he has gone to jail no less than three times for DUIs. Granted, the last one was four years ago, but geez... Over the years when he was actively using, he called his dad high as a kite multiple times, asked for money to get bailed out of whatever jam he was currently in, etc. How big of an ego must he have to not realize why his father doesn't want him to have the money?
As for me, six months pregnant with his baby, I am da** glad his dad is holding onto the money, probably until he dies. Our daughter deserves it. I hope he gives it to her!
The sense of entitlement is mind blowing. My parents are fairly well off now too, not like his, but I can expect a rather substantial chunk of money when they pass. And you know what? I told my Mom to spend it! For over a decade she was a single parent, working her tail off to give us a good life. She worked and saved. It is HER money. I would much rather she had a good time with it while she can, and if she doesn't want to do that, she can start trusts for the grandkids.
Because I am an adult and I make my own money. Plain and simple.
So lesson learned. When an alcoholic starts the self-pity landslide, do not listen unless there is no alcohol involved. Why I bothered is beyond me.
So last night my ABF comes home from one of his two nights at the bar - seems pretty sober. Cracks open another beer. And...
Proceeds to go on an hour long tirade about how angry he is that his father will not give him his inheritance from his grandparents. Apparently, he is an independently wealthy person now, but only if his dad signs over control of the money. Which he will not.
And seriously, can you blame him??? If I were his dad I would hold onto it too. My ABF has been clean from all drugs except pot for seven years but he still drinks and smokes pot. He seems to think though that because (so far) he is a functional alcoholic and he only binges 2 times a week that that is "good enough" and his dad should trust him.
I told him that when someone wrecks trust as totally and completely as he has, he shouldn't expect anyone to snap to it and just trust because THEY feel they have turned a new leaf. I mean, for the love of God, he has gone to jail no less than three times for DUIs. Granted, the last one was four years ago, but geez... Over the years when he was actively using, he called his dad high as a kite multiple times, asked for money to get bailed out of whatever jam he was currently in, etc. How big of an ego must he have to not realize why his father doesn't want him to have the money?
As for me, six months pregnant with his baby, I am da** glad his dad is holding onto the money, probably until he dies. Our daughter deserves it. I hope he gives it to her!
The sense of entitlement is mind blowing. My parents are fairly well off now too, not like his, but I can expect a rather substantial chunk of money when they pass. And you know what? I told my Mom to spend it! For over a decade she was a single parent, working her tail off to give us a good life. She worked and saved. It is HER money. I would much rather she had a good time with it while she can, and if she doesn't want to do that, she can start trusts for the grandkids.
Because I am an adult and I make my own money. Plain and simple.
So lesson learned. When an alcoholic starts the self-pity landslide, do not listen unless there is no alcohol involved. Why I bothered is beyond me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Yeah - totally not my problem. He expected me to care because of all the things we could do with it. My response is "Hell no" - I am fine as I am and with that kind of money comes responsibility. I honestly feel uncomfortable with the whole thing. While it would be nice if some of it was trusted to our soon-to-be-born daughter, if not, that is cool too. Because I am going to raise her to take care of herself and not depend on anyone and anything else.
I am still amazed.
I am still amazed.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
ive learned the self pity only increases with alcohol but it doesnt disapear after....i guess thats left to long term recovery lol.
though yes i agree with you, i tend to roll eyes when ah has been drunk telling a sob story. ive probably heard the same sob story a thousand times, and suprisingly his emotions about it are always the same....jeeze, normal people are mad the first time and each time after....the feeling decreases, not a drunk though! they act like it just happened or someone killed their puppy.....lol youde think someone died the way behave.
Yes, i completely agree with your statement when it comes to money.
its upsurd they think that a few small changes and even in a short time should be praised and rewarded like they just made president or won the nobel prize given that true sobreity is an exceptional thing......that doesnt happen when your still behaving poorly and with little stride or partaking in a substance.
money, let alone someone elses is not the most important....i would be thrilled if my parents left me an inheritance but i wouldnt throw a fit if they didnt either. as you said, they work hard for "their" money and who am i to demand something because i happen to be their child let alone if i was in no way fit to make wise decisions with the money to begin with. that would be a waste to everything they worked hard for
though yes i agree with you, i tend to roll eyes when ah has been drunk telling a sob story. ive probably heard the same sob story a thousand times, and suprisingly his emotions about it are always the same....jeeze, normal people are mad the first time and each time after....the feeling decreases, not a drunk though! they act like it just happened or someone killed their puppy.....lol youde think someone died the way behave.
Yes, i completely agree with your statement when it comes to money.
its upsurd they think that a few small changes and even in a short time should be praised and rewarded like they just made president or won the nobel prize given that true sobreity is an exceptional thing......that doesnt happen when your still behaving poorly and with little stride or partaking in a substance.
money, let alone someone elses is not the most important....i would be thrilled if my parents left me an inheritance but i wouldnt throw a fit if they didnt either. as you said, they work hard for "their" money and who am i to demand something because i happen to be their child let alone if i was in no way fit to make wise decisions with the money to begin with. that would be a waste to everything they worked hard for
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah . . . just wait until he can "afford" some more serious drugs and alcohol and . . .
Money + Addict = . . . that stuff will come looking for him.
Since there is addiction in the family . . . look out for the Trusts that may look like a good thing now. Just as your Father in Law has the wisdom to not curse your BF with money he cannot manage, you do not want Trusts to do that same curse to others.
Money + Addict = . . . that stuff will come looking for him.
Since there is addiction in the family . . . look out for the Trusts that may look like a good thing now. Just as your Father in Law has the wisdom to not curse your BF with money he cannot manage, you do not want Trusts to do that same curse to others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
That was my thought too, Hammer. A lot of what he wants to do is worthwhile, like finishing his college degree, but a lot of it is flat unnecessary. And he tends to try to "buy" friends by buying them drinks, etc. I think it would just spell trouble for him, and for me if I tried to put a stop to the crazy train.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I hear ya on this one. It seems very wise of his dad to hang on to that money. You ABF does not seem like he is in a good place to make wise decisions as to the allocations of that money.
My husband called me yesterday while I was at work after not even a conversation all day. The lack of conversation was my first clue he was drinking. When he called he wanted to vent and cry about something with his work. I was at work and didn’t want to hear the alcohol influenced sob story of poor him, so I asked him if there was anyone else that he could call. He hung up on me, and then started sending me a chain of texts accusing me of not loving him, and quack quack quack. I didn’t respond. I got a text like not even ten minutes later from my niece stating that he was passed out.
Listening to the self-pity landslide is absolutely pointless in my experience.
My husband called me yesterday while I was at work after not even a conversation all day. The lack of conversation was my first clue he was drinking. When he called he wanted to vent and cry about something with his work. I was at work and didn’t want to hear the alcohol influenced sob story of poor him, so I asked him if there was anyone else that he could call. He hung up on me, and then started sending me a chain of texts accusing me of not loving him, and quack quack quack. I didn’t respond. I got a text like not even ten minutes later from my niece stating that he was passed out.
Listening to the self-pity landslide is absolutely pointless in my experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz 
I never! ever!! wait for a hand out! If I don't have it, I go without!
That is why ABF and I have an agreement. He gives me a certain amount of money each week for his share of the expenses (proportionate, since his income is much less then mine and of the soon to be four kids, only two are his responsibility - he adopted my son). If he gives me any more, he can tell me what it should go toward, if he so desires. Or, if he gives it to me no strings attached, it is at my discretion how I use it. The rest of our money we ask no questions about, his or mine.
We learned the hard way that this is the best way to avoid fights and disagreements over money.
As for his inheritance... that would throw the entire thing out of whack, even if he managed to hold on to the money as he should. I shudder to think about the problems it could cause either way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I wouldn't give him the money either! I am glad you aren't getting sucked in.
I find this statement a bit strange- your ABF smokes weed and drinks. Got a 3rd DUI four years ago. Binges a few times a week.
Being clean from all drugs is not a gray area. He either is or isn't.
My ABF has been clean from all drugs except pot for seven years but he still drinks and smokes pot.
Being clean from all drugs is not a gray area. He either is or isn't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Right - except for alcohol and pot. That absolutely does not make him clean/sober, and I know that. I was just trying to point out that he was no longer on coke, heroin, and the other crap he was on, which HE thinks means he is clean.
I, on the other hand, know full well that he is not "recovering" until he is off everything.
I, on the other hand, know full well that he is not "recovering" until he is off everything.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
soltraveler
-the sense of entitlement is mind blowing-
Dealing with a family member with a similar attitude/sense of entitlement. Along with what I call professional victim syndrome. He too has had several lifetime duis, has graying hair and a teenager's behavior & maturity. His recent dui has him really playing up the victim card big time. He got mad and stayed away for a while when he couldn't get his legal expense including penalties payed for. He's blaming his recent dui on being evicted by his ex causing him depression and the urge to drink & drug even more. No job and poor non changing attitude tend to do things like that.
I spent quite sometime here reading the stories of repeat problems over the years or even decades before realizing changing one's habits and attitude will take time and more importantly initative on the alcoholic/addicts part to change
Do NOT give or loan money. Learned the hard way here. You wont see it again. Also noticed if I refuse and/or make him sweat personal favor requests they decrease as well forcing him to figure out the details of his life.
Good Luck
-the sense of entitlement is mind blowing-
Dealing with a family member with a similar attitude/sense of entitlement. Along with what I call professional victim syndrome. He too has had several lifetime duis, has graying hair and a teenager's behavior & maturity. His recent dui has him really playing up the victim card big time. He got mad and stayed away for a while when he couldn't get his legal expense including penalties payed for. He's blaming his recent dui on being evicted by his ex causing him depression and the urge to drink & drug even more. No job and poor non changing attitude tend to do things like that.
I spent quite sometime here reading the stories of repeat problems over the years or even decades before realizing changing one's habits and attitude will take time and more importantly initative on the alcoholic/addicts part to change
Do NOT give or loan money. Learned the hard way here. You wont see it again. Also noticed if I refuse and/or make him sweat personal favor requests they decrease as well forcing him to figure out the details of his life.
Good Luck
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
